new jersey

[josiegrossee]

I think my life changed on the new jersey turnpike. Its funny how clear life becomes trapped in a car with no exits in sight in the middle of a raging hurricane. Lucidity can be so fickle. My mom and my sister had dates with the sandman and while my dad stayed barely awake to perform simple motor ( as in car ) functions, I was engrossed in my thoughts. Those eventually would become realizations and understanding. On a wet road in the middle of nowhere inspiration would hit as turning point began. I think milestones often become more poignant when one realizes that she is in fact experiencing one. It was nice to finally be away from home, all of it. I don’t mean to be mean, but rather, to be away from something you love has of course made me appreciate it more. But I did need to get out of California. And as a plethora of oak, cedar, fir, and whatever the hell else is green on the east coast zipped by, the last year began to warp across space and imagination as well. Ten months had been a whirlwind, a spec really in the timeline of life itself, but ten months that had been mine. Significant because I had valued them. I had of course expected learning and such. The standard facts and numbers we would learn and write down only to regurgitate them every five weeks or so. No, it was not this learning that had kept me awake on a beautiful awful rainy day. It was that other kind of learning. The kind only fiction can put so well.The kind of knowldge Hallmark sugarcoats. The one schools tell you is outside the classroom. In that abyss we call the “real world." It was here that i began to realize a sense of who i truly am. My past was not here. I had in fact grown up very much in the last year. High school rules no longer applied. “ Where there is knowledge, it will pass away.. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” 1 Corinthians 13. I was that. Trapped not only on the NJ turnpike but in my life between two worlds. I was both child and woman. A girl finally, and most importantly, honestly realizing she was in fact growing up. I no longer played by the schoolground rules and ethics. A new set of code and mores had been put into place. It was the world that childhood knew nothing about. The distant future and place bigger people knew of. A world where dreams aren’t so big and solved by band aids and lollipops. Yet at the same time, it was the perfect place for me. In a single moment, both in space and time, one can see the past and present. The future is still a dream. Yet, in that moment, and these are rare, I had journeyed into that place that is outside the life I lead. I was no longer caught in the drama and fun of it, but rather looking at it for what it is. What was so important becomes small, what was indeed important, even more so, and pain and joy became both acute and numbing. A paradox in action. I was a child stepping outside of the dream. A child who had grown up into a young woman that had grown tired of the often ridiculous world she had found herself in. It was then I realized how much I valued friendship. That which is honest, true, respectful, and above all loyal. I had begun to admire only those who had true conviction and responsibility. I no longer needed a thousand friends, a few would do fine. And I was okay with that. Learning to move forward is also learning to let go. Shakespeare was right. The world is truly a stage, and the actors come and go. We all play little parts in other lives. Some stay. Some go. Like raindrops on glass. And people have indeed been a part of my life and have gone. Brush strokes really on the canvas of my life. A masterpiece not yet complete. But still they were necessary in the makeup of things. A few lines here and there, maybe an act even, but few get to stay for the whole show. But I’m not out to be the sun. That which occurred around me changed as well as I did. I don’t know if its because I’m from los angeles, but if you don’t like me, I really don’t care anymore. Politician I am not. And it is not an attitude of apathy towards others feelings, but rather acceptance. I know who I am and I’m fine with it. It really is up to others how they feel. I’m not out to please others no longer. So, I will not drink because its cool, I wont smoke for the cool kids, I wont please to feel worthy. I’ve done none of this in ten months. And again, I don’t really care. For these are my choices and you will have your opinions. And to that, I simply say, go away. Because on a turnpike in the middle of nowhere, I was growing up. Saying goodbye to a little girl but keeping her in my heart. For it is the child in us that keeps us truly forever young. In that sense I’ll still be immature. I’ll still act stupid sometimes, ridiculous even, but again, do we ever really grow up? No. Corinthians was not about that. It was about love. And I love my life for everything it is, both wonderful and awful. Because in this space and time this is where I should be, meant to be. Still in transition. One toe lingers in the place of stuffed toys and simplicity, while the rest is poised for the unknown. But since bravery never seems to go out of fashion, what better item to bring along. And in life courage can come in handy. It is difficult enough to say goodbye, but more so to say hello. So now i'm home, back in that wondeful place called change. So i pause, take a deep breathe, and here i go,

Hi. I'm Joyce. This is my life. Wanna come along?