DISTRACTION NEEDED
Here I sit, in the quiet of night. Even the dog is fast asleep, dreaming of fetch, and chasing squirrels. Insomnia sure does give a person a lot of time to think.
This is normally a time when I would be watching mindless re-runs on television, to distract me from reality. It's funny, during a time when I should be in mourning, reflecting on the past decade or so, trying to determine if the problem is ME, I keep continuing to find ways to stay occupied. Perhaps I seek these distractions because I really don't want to know the answer. Perhaps I am afraid that the problem really IS me.
I'm sure that's what Dr. Phil would say.
My relationship of nine years is over. My decision. I could no longer shoulder the responsibility of being the one who was more emotionally involved. I actually had a much longer version of this paragraph all written, and then I deleted it, out of respect for his feelings. I feel hurt by this. Not necessarily hurt by what I actually lost -- which was someone who obviously wasn't that in to "us" anyway -- but sad about what I had hoped to have with him. I am sad about what I tried for so long to get him to want, only to fail. I am sad to think of how great it could have been, if he were only amenable to it. Sadly, he wasn't, and now I'm not, either.
You can't make someone love you.
I don't want to be accused of starting a symphony with a wrong note. I do not pretend to be innocent. I do not pretend to be blameless. We BOTH did plenty of cruel things to each other over the course of time. I just happened to be the one who actually said what we were both thinking. And now I see my friends partying with him, all the while having said nothing to me at all.
Why haven't they said anything to me?
Nonetheless, I made a new friend recently. We met online, we're both not from here, and yadda yadda yadda, we have become fast friends over the past week or so. He's a cool guy, fun to joke around with, even good with kids. If the timing were better, it could have possibly been more than a friendship. The timing is bad, because obviously I'm still working through everything... and I've just been informed that he is suddenly moving out of state in about 3 weeks. Great. My new friend that I got all excited about is leaving. I understand why, and I fully support the decision, but still -- it's a bummer.
Back to being lonely.
I need a new distraction. Maybe I'll head down to Dallas and get distracted there. It would definitely be worth the 3 hour drive.