Thoughts on love
Love....
I have experienced it before in the past in a way that was unhealthy to say the least. I gave and gave and gave, and was shit on over and over and over again. In the past, I have thought that maybe I was in love with this person or that person. I thought I was truly happy. I have come to realize that yes I did love those people, but I was not "in love" with any of them. I was in love with the idea of a mutual love, a partnership, a friendship, an intimacy that in reality was never there. It hurts sometimes to think back on those relationships that "failed". I realize now that they were destined to fail so they could make me stronger for the woman I would eventually fall in love with. So "failure" is not what happened at all there. They were lessons. Lessons to teach me not only how to truly love someone, but how to accept a kind, caring, and respectful love in return. A laugh, a smile, a tear, a moan; I appreciate them from my love. I LOVE them from her. Frustration happens, sadness happens, despair it does too. Being able to talk to this amazing woman about these things when they crop up is something completely new to me. It's not that I have not tried in the past to communicate these feelings with another, it's more that when I did try, I was shut down, or cut off. Ignored. When others have felt this way with me I try to listen, I always have, and I try to take these concerns to heart. Nobody has ever appreciated that as much as my sonadora.
I am happy now in the present. I realize that it's ok to sit and read a book while your partner sits next to you quietly reading theres. I know it's nice to have a spirituality that is so much like hers that it will never be an issue. I love the fact that I can lay next to her on a bed, and when she lowers her head slightly that is when I should lightly kiss her forehead. She smiles at me then. A smile that only I get. It's in those moments, that I know my life with her is amazingly complete. She fulfills me in ways no one else has or ever will. We laugh at movies, cry at books, and listen intently to music. We cry at movies, laugh at books, and listen to each other. We pay attention. We care. We love.
My future is yet to be seen, but I know that with her in it, nothing will ever be bleak. It may end up seeming that way from time to time, but all she has to do is smile, and all of that will go away. All I ever need from her..... Is her smile.