(no subject)
i hate that i feel i must post a blog on here, instead of on myspace, because people at school might see it that. I dont know what is sustaining me right now. Well, i do actually, its God. But, other than that, theres nothing. I am trapped in solitude-i do not feel comfortable around my friends to lay bare my heart and my be vulnerable. I have few, if anyone, that i can talk to (much less listen to), face to face. My roommates care very little for the well-being of the other roommates, or at least that is what is on the surface.
i thought i had some of the pastors at my old church that i could talk to. but i ruined that. i suggested a book ive been reading for one of my classes, which might help them understand why no one wants to come to church anymore. i only received rebuke for criticizing the church, despite the fact i spent the vast majority of the email i sent them on a disclaimer that i was not intending to judge or criticize them.
i cannot talk with my parents about anything of importance, because if i did, they would inevitably assume i was trying to give them a guilt trip for not helping me with school.
i used to be able to talk to meg, but now...things are different and we've lost the closeness we had last year.
in approximately 1 and a half weeks from now, i will be out of school for the semester. with no way to pay for this semester, or the following one, i will be forced to drop out of college. Since school is the only financial reason for me to be in spokane, i would unfortunetly be forced to live and work in portland. i greatly despise this, because in my 21, almost 22 years of existance, i have yet to find any reason to believe that portland, and all of the relationships and predispositions associated with it are healthy for me. That city is a black hole for me. it was so hard to leave, and now i am forced to go back.
And then there is the whole whitworth thing. i love this place. i have made friendships that i think will last beyond this place. i know in my head that God has got me covered. But, in my heart, i am screaming in desparation. i do not want to leave this place. but i have come to accept the inevitability of the untimely conclusion of my education here.
i am the end of the rope. i have nothing but God and whitworth. my parents enjoy not having kids around so much that they have refused to house me. my friends in portland lack discipline and will power, as such when i am with them, i often feel as if i am dragged down into a form of laziness and apathy that is so depressing i want more than anything to leave it.
i am facing closed doors and i see literally no way out aside from my parents deciding they want to pull me out. i have looked into the military to no avail, humanitarian/missional organizations to only be confronted with "no". my failure is almost too much for me to bear. i wish sometimes i could fast forward 10 years from now and see how it all works out, just to know that things are going to be ok.
ironic that the one thing above all else that God has taught me in the last 4-5 years is faith through trials. but now, as i am facing potentially the most difficult thing i have ever faced, i am squirming and writhing in the thought of trusting God with everything.
on that note, i have nothign else to say. i have been humbled by my own words. i must trust God with everything, including my future. amen.
i thought i had some of the pastors at my old church that i could talk to. but i ruined that. i suggested a book ive been reading for one of my classes, which might help them understand why no one wants to come to church anymore. i only received rebuke for criticizing the church, despite the fact i spent the vast majority of the email i sent them on a disclaimer that i was not intending to judge or criticize them.
i cannot talk with my parents about anything of importance, because if i did, they would inevitably assume i was trying to give them a guilt trip for not helping me with school.
i used to be able to talk to meg, but now...things are different and we've lost the closeness we had last year.
in approximately 1 and a half weeks from now, i will be out of school for the semester. with no way to pay for this semester, or the following one, i will be forced to drop out of college. Since school is the only financial reason for me to be in spokane, i would unfortunetly be forced to live and work in portland. i greatly despise this, because in my 21, almost 22 years of existance, i have yet to find any reason to believe that portland, and all of the relationships and predispositions associated with it are healthy for me. That city is a black hole for me. it was so hard to leave, and now i am forced to go back.
And then there is the whole whitworth thing. i love this place. i have made friendships that i think will last beyond this place. i know in my head that God has got me covered. But, in my heart, i am screaming in desparation. i do not want to leave this place. but i have come to accept the inevitability of the untimely conclusion of my education here.
i am the end of the rope. i have nothing but God and whitworth. my parents enjoy not having kids around so much that they have refused to house me. my friends in portland lack discipline and will power, as such when i am with them, i often feel as if i am dragged down into a form of laziness and apathy that is so depressing i want more than anything to leave it.
i am facing closed doors and i see literally no way out aside from my parents deciding they want to pull me out. i have looked into the military to no avail, humanitarian/missional organizations to only be confronted with "no". my failure is almost too much for me to bear. i wish sometimes i could fast forward 10 years from now and see how it all works out, just to know that things are going to be ok.
ironic that the one thing above all else that God has taught me in the last 4-5 years is faith through trials. but now, as i am facing potentially the most difficult thing i have ever faced, i am squirming and writhing in the thought of trusting God with everything.
on that note, i have nothign else to say. i have been humbled by my own words. i must trust God with everything, including my future. amen.