(no subject)
im burned out.
so, the end result of close to a year of hair growth, and a couple months of facial hair growth has come to this: a mullet and a sick mustache. As one buddy put it "from Jesus to Cletus". It was all funny and stuff, then Bryan, my RA, said something to me today at church about it. he meant it jokingly, and i took it that way, but it sunk in later on. he said "you are just doing that for attention". It is totally true. Bryan called me out and there is nothing i can do to weasle my way out of it. just another stupid antic done by a socially discouraged middle child for 15 minutes of fame. So, i was planning on having it all week, so everyone in all my classes would have time to see it, and get a good laugh out of it. but instead, im gonna cut it off tonight. i really want to avoid doing things like this. i dont like it when people who dont know me really well call me out on something that cuts me straight to the soul. but i love bryan, he is awesome, hes like a gentler big brother (my real big bro and me always got in fights).
then theres the whole small group thing. i realized that i dont want to be a small group leader anymore. i was just doing it for attention in the first place, and now it is just guilt that keeps me in place.
and then there is money. my bank account is $0.00. and i have about $1300 in credit card bills, mostly from europe. i have about 600 bucks coming in, which should cover the payments until summer when i can work my balls off and pay the debt off. but i dont have the check yet, and the payment is due tommorow.
and then there is school. heres the story. josh has been clinically diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, not the hyperactive a.d.d. that everyone seems to have. just straight up attention deficit disorder. i was on a prespriction that keep me in line, and things were great, i was getting good grades, some of the best ive ever got. Then, the doctor back home decided he wanted to come on to my mom. nothing happened between the two of them, its just now i need a new doctor to give me prescriptions. so, whats keeping me from seeing a new doc? a car. i left the metroid at home for insurance reasons. now, i am without drugs, havents hardly done any homework and im 4 weeks into the term. and on top of that, im on academic probation because this was the same situation last semester and i didnt do so hot academically. so now i have to shape up or i dont get to come back.
and then theres the God thing. actually, thats wrong. theres no problem with God, the problem is with me. i dont know when the last time i really spent some quality time with God, and it shows in my lifestyle. i try so hard to run from one sin, i end up running right into another.
and then there is the track thing. last year, i was the hot new runner that could do big things for whitworth track and field. i ran well, i jumped ok, i was an all around great athlete. then Ben Spaun joined the team. Now, i dont want to talk trash against one of my best buddies, but this freshman, this new guy...he is making me look bad, really bad. I am jealous. There isnt any way around that either. i want to be as good as he is. But, the bottom line is this: when i step into my blocks for the start of the 400m (or 200m), or when i think about it, i am not excited like i have previously described that feeling as. I am utterly and terribly horrified. I am scared shitless. sorry for the langauge. I am completely horrified. My fear is this: i will run, and ill finish the race, i am just scared that everyone will find out the real me. the me that is a horrible athlete that doesnt put enough effort into his workouts and who isnt as fast as he should/could be. I am afraid they will see me as i see me: a failure, milking this thing as long as i can. I have never been a stellar runner. Never won a race outright. Sure, i might have ran against slow people and won a heat, but never the race. im scared that it will all come crashing down once people see me. I know it is a completely unjustified and irrational fear, but regardless, it is my fear, my vice, and it haunts me everyday.
sigh. sometimes i just want to be in heaven, away from this all. I've thoguht about that-my death. my own mortality. not in a morbid kind of way. sometimes i just want to be in heaven. but, i know my calling. my calling is to go to haiti and do what God wants me to do there. be it preaching, mending or rending. i am willing. it is the only thing that keeps me alive sometimes: knowing that God has set forth a destination for me. and i just need to keep my eyes on it.
so, the end result of close to a year of hair growth, and a couple months of facial hair growth has come to this: a mullet and a sick mustache. As one buddy put it "from Jesus to Cletus". It was all funny and stuff, then Bryan, my RA, said something to me today at church about it. he meant it jokingly, and i took it that way, but it sunk in later on. he said "you are just doing that for attention". It is totally true. Bryan called me out and there is nothing i can do to weasle my way out of it. just another stupid antic done by a socially discouraged middle child for 15 minutes of fame. So, i was planning on having it all week, so everyone in all my classes would have time to see it, and get a good laugh out of it. but instead, im gonna cut it off tonight. i really want to avoid doing things like this. i dont like it when people who dont know me really well call me out on something that cuts me straight to the soul. but i love bryan, he is awesome, hes like a gentler big brother (my real big bro and me always got in fights).
then theres the whole small group thing. i realized that i dont want to be a small group leader anymore. i was just doing it for attention in the first place, and now it is just guilt that keeps me in place.
and then there is money. my bank account is $0.00. and i have about $1300 in credit card bills, mostly from europe. i have about 600 bucks coming in, which should cover the payments until summer when i can work my balls off and pay the debt off. but i dont have the check yet, and the payment is due tommorow.
and then there is school. heres the story. josh has been clinically diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, not the hyperactive a.d.d. that everyone seems to have. just straight up attention deficit disorder. i was on a prespriction that keep me in line, and things were great, i was getting good grades, some of the best ive ever got. Then, the doctor back home decided he wanted to come on to my mom. nothing happened between the two of them, its just now i need a new doctor to give me prescriptions. so, whats keeping me from seeing a new doc? a car. i left the metroid at home for insurance reasons. now, i am without drugs, havents hardly done any homework and im 4 weeks into the term. and on top of that, im on academic probation because this was the same situation last semester and i didnt do so hot academically. so now i have to shape up or i dont get to come back.
and then theres the God thing. actually, thats wrong. theres no problem with God, the problem is with me. i dont know when the last time i really spent some quality time with God, and it shows in my lifestyle. i try so hard to run from one sin, i end up running right into another.
and then there is the track thing. last year, i was the hot new runner that could do big things for whitworth track and field. i ran well, i jumped ok, i was an all around great athlete. then Ben Spaun joined the team. Now, i dont want to talk trash against one of my best buddies, but this freshman, this new guy...he is making me look bad, really bad. I am jealous. There isnt any way around that either. i want to be as good as he is. But, the bottom line is this: when i step into my blocks for the start of the 400m (or 200m), or when i think about it, i am not excited like i have previously described that feeling as. I am utterly and terribly horrified. I am scared shitless. sorry for the langauge. I am completely horrified. My fear is this: i will run, and ill finish the race, i am just scared that everyone will find out the real me. the me that is a horrible athlete that doesnt put enough effort into his workouts and who isnt as fast as he should/could be. I am afraid they will see me as i see me: a failure, milking this thing as long as i can. I have never been a stellar runner. Never won a race outright. Sure, i might have ran against slow people and won a heat, but never the race. im scared that it will all come crashing down once people see me. I know it is a completely unjustified and irrational fear, but regardless, it is my fear, my vice, and it haunts me everyday.
sigh. sometimes i just want to be in heaven, away from this all. I've thoguht about that-my death. my own mortality. not in a morbid kind of way. sometimes i just want to be in heaven. but, i know my calling. my calling is to go to haiti and do what God wants me to do there. be it preaching, mending or rending. i am willing. it is the only thing that keeps me alive sometimes: knowing that God has set forth a destination for me. and i just need to keep my eyes on it.