First of all, let me commend you for being so honest and sharing "real" heartfelt feelings in your last LJ. As I was reading I saw, for the first time in a good while, the old Josh. I will try not to refer to the "old Josh" and "new Josh" anymore because that's probably not the comparison I should've used in my last LJ. Why? Because I've known for a while that you're facade, as you call it, was exactly that and that this change everybody sees was to protect yourself. I'm not sure if I used the word "grudge" in my last LJ, but I do remember thinking you've been bad about holding onto grudges. Let me say, don't beat yourself up over it. We all do strange things to protect ourselves when we hurt. And it's okay to do that for a little while, but when the grudge continues for any length of time it just turns to bitterness. It kind of festers like a wound that never heals and that's exactly why I was trying to encourage you to move past things so you can kind of heal from the inside and return to the really pleasant Josh we all know. I really don't know why you think people don't look at you and see YOU. I think, at times, we all feel like we just blend in with the scenery or that friends and people are using us for a certain purpose ~ a good laugh, a ride somewhere, to meet our good-looking friends, etc., etc. If any person takes the time to really know you, you're a great person. And any person who judges you without knowing you is really not worth the energy it takes to develop a friendship/relationship with. If your feelings about yourself are all about not having a relationship with someone, or because you've had a couple relationships that have gone bad, my advice to you would be to just be nice and LET things happen. Don't push so hard to find the perfect girl. It will happen in time when you least expect it. Your happiness should never depend on the female in your life. Find the happiness within yourself, without being bitter towards others, and the rest will fall into place. You know, it's kind of amazing how a happy person seems to attract all kind of attention ~ some of which may be potential girlfriends. Whoever asked you that question today about things being worth it, has really impressed me. That's an awesome question! And a little of what I was trying to say in my last LJ ~ to take the good and the bad from each relationship and learn from it. If the good times were worth it, as you say they were, then there's really not much to be bitter about huh? As I told you, every person in our lives (because nobody is without fault) will wrong us from time to time and there is really no "right" in the grand scheme of things. It was nice to hear you admit that you've been driven to prove rights and wrongs and to realize that it's really not all that important. You have relationships that end and one person may be the absolute partner from HELL that causes you nothing but heartache. BUT, in most cases (yours included), when it's all over both people are to blame in some way or another. Deciding who committed more wrongs is really not productive. The one thing you can do is reflect on what you might have done wrong, because that's truly the only thing you can control, and learn from your mistakes. Don't think that at least one of your past relationships (and I won't say which one) hasn't realized at some point that she probably made mistakes too. If you think real hard, you KNOW which one has gone out of her way to make it up to you. But she, just like you, puts on that facade from time to time to protect her heart. I think you know who I'm talking about. Just so there's no confusion, I'm not Jen and I'm not Brittany S. I'm just an outsider that probably knows way too much and I see a situation here where there's a lot of broken hearts and friendships that need mending. Be pleasant to one another and stop keeping score ~ life is way too short! It's a journey full of pain and happiness and what we feel reminds us that we're still alive. Don't let time pass and find yourself regretting chances you didn't take because you were afraid to feel.
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