My Angry Penis
I love my penis. He is my oldest and dearest friend. Everyday, he is the first to greet me; standing proud and tall just to say "Hi!' But recently my buddy has come under attack, and he doesn't like it. The guilt trip laid on my cock is completely undeserved. My penis has done nothing to you. My penis has not caused homelessness. My penis does not starve children in third world countries. My penis did not poke the hole in the ozone layer. My iceberg did not sink the Titanic. Nor has he cut down any trees in the Amazon rainforest. He has built neither chemical not nuclear weapons. And contrary to popular belief, my man-hammer has not clubbed a single baby seal.
A terrorist organization of feminazis is out there...cooking up evil ideas for ways to continually torture my dick. Like circumcision - what the hell is that? If my member wants to wear a turtleneck, who are you to be the fashion police? Did anyone bother to ask me if I wanted my collar flipped down?
And since when is my name a curse word? Who wouldn't want to be called a dick. I can't think of a better compliment. A Dick can be king, president, or even a college admistrator. Dicks have helped to create some of the best things in this world!
My penis is tired of being blamed for your problems. He and his twin friends are not the founding members of the vast right-wing consipracy. If you'd get to know him, my penis is a nice guy. When he's happy he stands up and does a little dance. He is polite, attentive, and always engaging. He will go out of his way to attend to your needs, and generally please you. Yet he doesn't understand why his daily life is such a struggle. Even in his most intimate moments he has to wear a rubber biohazard suit that's 2 sizes too small.
Women just don't understand my penis. Somehow the concept of shrinkage escapes them. My Big Lebowski is a shy, timid guy. If he is cold or scared, he will retreat and seek refuge. The thought of a speedo on a cold day is enough to give the family jewels nightmares for weeks. The speedo is obviously the invention of a man-hating woman. No man in his right mind would create such a torture device.
Captain Winky seeks a loving relationship in a warm home, but he doesn't want to sign a lease just yet. But that's not the leaest of his problems. For his physical they shove a cotton swab all the way down his throat. Why can't they just listen to his little heartbeat, make him spit in a cup, then shake his hand and send him on his way?
My penis wants to come out and meet your family, make new friends. Yet you force him to hide in dark crevasses. If only my joystick could solve all the world's problems, maybe you would give him a little respect. But unfortunately my natural resource is considerably less useful than crude oil. Would he be acceptable if he got a haircut and a 3-piece suit? Just because he doesn't smell like fresh baked cookies, doesn;t mean he doesn't deserve your respect.
The General is also a very fashionable guy. My dipstick is the proud owner of "this is what a feminist looks like" t-shirt. He loves all women (and all men). You should love him too. My penis demands liberation!
- My Angry Penis
A terrorist organization of feminazis is out there...cooking up evil ideas for ways to continually torture my dick. Like circumcision - what the hell is that? If my member wants to wear a turtleneck, who are you to be the fashion police? Did anyone bother to ask me if I wanted my collar flipped down?
And since when is my name a curse word? Who wouldn't want to be called a dick. I can't think of a better compliment. A Dick can be king, president, or even a college admistrator. Dicks have helped to create some of the best things in this world!
My penis is tired of being blamed for your problems. He and his twin friends are not the founding members of the vast right-wing consipracy. If you'd get to know him, my penis is a nice guy. When he's happy he stands up and does a little dance. He is polite, attentive, and always engaging. He will go out of his way to attend to your needs, and generally please you. Yet he doesn't understand why his daily life is such a struggle. Even in his most intimate moments he has to wear a rubber biohazard suit that's 2 sizes too small.
Women just don't understand my penis. Somehow the concept of shrinkage escapes them. My Big Lebowski is a shy, timid guy. If he is cold or scared, he will retreat and seek refuge. The thought of a speedo on a cold day is enough to give the family jewels nightmares for weeks. The speedo is obviously the invention of a man-hating woman. No man in his right mind would create such a torture device.
Captain Winky seeks a loving relationship in a warm home, but he doesn't want to sign a lease just yet. But that's not the leaest of his problems. For his physical they shove a cotton swab all the way down his throat. Why can't they just listen to his little heartbeat, make him spit in a cup, then shake his hand and send him on his way?
My penis wants to come out and meet your family, make new friends. Yet you force him to hide in dark crevasses. If only my joystick could solve all the world's problems, maybe you would give him a little respect. But unfortunately my natural resource is considerably less useful than crude oil. Would he be acceptable if he got a haircut and a 3-piece suit? Just because he doesn't smell like fresh baked cookies, doesn;t mean he doesn't deserve your respect.
The General is also a very fashionable guy. My dipstick is the proud owner of "this is what a feminist looks like" t-shirt. He loves all women (and all men). You should love him too. My penis demands liberation!
- My Angry Penis