Can't fight the moonlight...
Thank you to everyone who was calling me all afternoon today to check up on me. I am grateful for your concern, I just wish it did not result in tears for the greater majority of you.
I made my choice. I did not know what that choice was until it was right in front of me. And I am not sure that I made it for the right reasons.
I chose the procedure, I chose trying to live. But deep inside, I think I only chose it because I knew what I was getting into. It was terrible yes, but it was familiar. I knew what to expect. Death, is a mystery. I don't know how it will feel, what it will be like after, if there will be anything at all. It's all uncertainty. ...even if this tears me apart, at least I know to expect it.
I agreed to the torment, they strapped me down, and it all started over. After those 5 hours had passed, I fully regretted my decision. Not just because of what it did to me there and then, but because it will continue, continue until it's "done" or until it can't be done anymore. Fucking contradiction if I ever heard of one. Afraid to die, and wishing I was dead all in the same instant.
It was an exhausting day. I still hurt all over, my eye still feels like it could rupture. I don't much like having cotton jammed up around my eye, but even still it's kind of seeping. I forgot how irritating that was.
This is my path. I will walk it even if I only walk it for fear of the alternative. Even if I live in complete fear from one week to the next, one day to the next, one procedure to the next. It's only the first day, and already I am bitter and seething; and it is only going to get worse.
But I will walk it, because I know not what else I can do.
So, once again, thank you everyone who was there for me today, who called me today. Everyone who was worried about what I would do, and everyone who would have supported me even if I had chosen the latter.
You're all too good to me, always. I probably don't deserve such good friends. God knows I haven't done enough good in my life to warrant it.
I made my choice. I did not know what that choice was until it was right in front of me. And I am not sure that I made it for the right reasons.
I chose the procedure, I chose trying to live. But deep inside, I think I only chose it because I knew what I was getting into. It was terrible yes, but it was familiar. I knew what to expect. Death, is a mystery. I don't know how it will feel, what it will be like after, if there will be anything at all. It's all uncertainty. ...even if this tears me apart, at least I know to expect it.
I agreed to the torment, they strapped me down, and it all started over. After those 5 hours had passed, I fully regretted my decision. Not just because of what it did to me there and then, but because it will continue, continue until it's "done" or until it can't be done anymore. Fucking contradiction if I ever heard of one. Afraid to die, and wishing I was dead all in the same instant.
It was an exhausting day. I still hurt all over, my eye still feels like it could rupture. I don't much like having cotton jammed up around my eye, but even still it's kind of seeping. I forgot how irritating that was.
This is my path. I will walk it even if I only walk it for fear of the alternative. Even if I live in complete fear from one week to the next, one day to the next, one procedure to the next. It's only the first day, and already I am bitter and seething; and it is only going to get worse.
But I will walk it, because I know not what else I can do.
So, once again, thank you everyone who was there for me today, who called me today. Everyone who was worried about what I would do, and everyone who would have supported me even if I had chosen the latter.
You're all too good to me, always. I probably don't deserve such good friends. God knows I haven't done enough good in my life to warrant it.