(no subject)
I guess I have some form of depression, which based on my mood and reactions, that is an obvious statement. I just don't know why. I've never been understood by a single person all my life. That's why all these friendships that disappeared, did so with ease. Nothing much has changed, I've always been alone in a crowd. But I've never cared. I just decided to try and have fun either way. But lately it's different. In high school when I was lonely I could just switch crowds, I had a variety of people that I saw every day. Out of school I do not. I spend most of the days holed up alone in my room with the lights off on this computer. Why? I guess I just lost the initiative to go out there and try to find new people. Not that I don't want to, it's just for some reason when I am near people now, I shut down. I don't even say hi to my friends that I already have. And surely I want to. I just know things have been getting worse lately, much worse. I am starting to realize that I don't even understand myself and the loneliness is really hitting below the belt. I wish I could change it, but I cannot seem to. I just want out of this feeling, even if I never know who I am, even if I continue to be alone, at least let me battle it the way I used to....right now I think I am giving up. And that is not good at all. I don't want to be a coward that takes the easy way out. Anyways right now I am probably either boring those who read this, or convincing them that I am indeed a waste of time. So I'm outty.