where we left off
I quit my role as Creative Director of the communikey festival for the next year. I have realized in recent weeks that it has basically ruined my life, driven me crazy and damaged my friendships for me to be working on the festival in that capacity. that being said i wouldn't trade it for the world, and will still be lending a hand on the process.
but i needed to get out. my brain had basically ceased functioning except to think about what i needed to be working on to do the festival. in that time i took a job i hated, i failed every class i could and i had a nervous breakdown that made me need to lay in bed for three weeks playing Final Fantasy tactics on an old GBA.
Jonathan said some way rude things to me a few days ago that made me take my apprehensions about continuing to work on the festival very seriously, and as a result, both myself and Tom have stepped down to focus on school and art and music and playing out. Kate is going to soldier on without us and be just fine.
It's amazing the effect it has had on me in only a couple of days. I have begun writing again, almost immediately, and I suddenly feel emotion and love towards the people around me instead of a constant low level annoyance. it hasn't been a complete turn around of course and it will take time for the monkey to fully climb off of my back, but it is happening bit by bit.
i feel like i've been in a dream for the last 12 months, and that dream is titled, "communikey: this is your life".
Now it's just the process of getting back into the swing of school in a few weeks and remembering what it's like to enjoy myself and have fun. I went to Santa Fe last weekend and got to play a big fun party with tons of amazingly loving cool people around... and i didn't enjoy myself... my name was up on a big ol' marquee, and i didn't take a picture, because i just didn't care about anything... i got in a fight with meagan about nothing that lasted all weekend.
I don't like things about myself again, but fortunately they are just the returning vestiges of an already cured problem and i can feel my egomania slowly subsiding again so that i am my calm, happy, self once again.
no one even knew that i was going through all of this inner turmoil really, because i pretty much refuse to talk about my problems with others... and then it all comes out in a big gush and everyone is really surprised that i haven't been operating at 100%... not even 60%... not even 30%, really... almost zero.
but i am turning myself back on, and checking all of the fluids... my break lights seem to be working and there is gas in the tank.
i am a hot rod.
but i needed to get out. my brain had basically ceased functioning except to think about what i needed to be working on to do the festival. in that time i took a job i hated, i failed every class i could and i had a nervous breakdown that made me need to lay in bed for three weeks playing Final Fantasy tactics on an old GBA.
Jonathan said some way rude things to me a few days ago that made me take my apprehensions about continuing to work on the festival very seriously, and as a result, both myself and Tom have stepped down to focus on school and art and music and playing out. Kate is going to soldier on without us and be just fine.
It's amazing the effect it has had on me in only a couple of days. I have begun writing again, almost immediately, and I suddenly feel emotion and love towards the people around me instead of a constant low level annoyance. it hasn't been a complete turn around of course and it will take time for the monkey to fully climb off of my back, but it is happening bit by bit.
i feel like i've been in a dream for the last 12 months, and that dream is titled, "communikey: this is your life".
Now it's just the process of getting back into the swing of school in a few weeks and remembering what it's like to enjoy myself and have fun. I went to Santa Fe last weekend and got to play a big fun party with tons of amazingly loving cool people around... and i didn't enjoy myself... my name was up on a big ol' marquee, and i didn't take a picture, because i just didn't care about anything... i got in a fight with meagan about nothing that lasted all weekend.
I don't like things about myself again, but fortunately they are just the returning vestiges of an already cured problem and i can feel my egomania slowly subsiding again so that i am my calm, happy, self once again.
no one even knew that i was going through all of this inner turmoil really, because i pretty much refuse to talk about my problems with others... and then it all comes out in a big gush and everyone is really surprised that i haven't been operating at 100%... not even 60%... not even 30%, really... almost zero.
but i am turning myself back on, and checking all of the fluids... my break lights seem to be working and there is gas in the tank.
i am a hot rod.