Fic: The Highest-Rated Show On Television (complete)
Title: The Highest-Rated Show on Television
Author: josephina_x
Fandom: Smallville
Pairing: Clark, Lex
Rating: G
Spoilers: general for entire series -- Clark and Lex never met in Smallville; "explicitly" references Crossfire (9x06), though
Word count: 1600+
Summary: The Highest-Rated Show on Television today: "The Clark and Lex Super Bro Hour"! Hooray!!!
Warnings: Un-beta'd. AU. Wildly-so.
Disclaimer: Not mine, not-for-profit.
Comments: Yes, please! :)
Author's Note: Seriously, nicnac918, why do I let you do these things to me??? :-P
...which she apparently stole got from here ^_^
Also posted to AO3 here.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Lex wasn't quite sure why he was doing this. His head of PR for LuthorCorp (soon-to-be LexCorp, with his father now gone, and the less said about that, the better) had said something about his image needing to be more "approachable," whatever the hell that meant. Somehow, he'd thought that would mean a little more kissing of babies in the political area and charity galas in the business sector, and a little less... whatever-the-hell-this-was.
~*~*~*~*~*~
After Clark's short-lived tenure as a co-host for "Good Morning, Metropolis" with Lois Lane, he had thought he'd never hear anyone say those dreaded words again:
"You seem 'real'. We think you might have great chemistry."
But he had really needed the money, so...
~*~*~*~*~*~
"What, exactly, are we doing here?" Lex asked.
"You don't know?" Clark asked him in return, flinching away from the makeup lady, who damn near had him tied down to the swivel chair at this point. (Clark didn't know why he needed makeup; it seemed a bit silly to him.)
"...You don't know?" Lex asked incredulously in return, managing to look like he turned in place to stare at him head on, raising his eyebrows, when really all he did was look at him sideways without moving his eyes. (Clark figured that either the guy really was that smooth, or he was used to people putting makeup on him.)
"Um," said Clark.
Lex sighed.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"I am not wearing that," Clark said flatly.
Lex tried, and failed, to entirely stifle a snicker.
"It's got tights. And a mask. Masks itch. And tights are for girls."
Lex rolled his eyes and was thinking up good digs on-camera while he heard the producer tell him, "You signed the paperwork for this. The documents included a stipulation that said that we'd supply your clothes, yes?"
"But I thought that meant that I'd get to pick them out!" he cried.
Lex shook his head slightly. Really, who didn't read the fine print, these days?
When the woman pointed to the rack and politely asked him what sort of thing he would like to wear, and Clark dug something out of a duffle bag he'd brought with him, Lex couldn't help but laugh at the look on the woman's face at the sight of it.
When Lex's dressing woman from Wardrobe tapped him on the shoulder and politely handed him his getup, Lex stopped laughing.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Reality-TV-format my--" Lex muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. He was going to kill his legal staff. He'd barely managed to talk Wardrobe down from some purple-and-green mess to one of his own light purple and grey suits, speedily delivered from the Penthouse by one of his personal staff. (Thank god for cellphones.)
Clark sighed next to him and shifted from foot-to-foot.
"I guess black is ok," he said.
"If you want to go back over there and talk to Wardrobe again, be my guest," Lex said gesturing at them.
Clark's eyes widened and he shook his head repeatedly. Yeah, Lex didn't think so. Not after Lex had taken pity on the poor man and magnanimously put his negotiating skills to the test by talking both sides into the ankle-length black longcoat, black jeans and T-shirt (that had taken some doing), and matching workboots that now adorned the man's giant frame.
"Why do you think they wanted me to wear the mask?" he asked without guile, turning to Lex. "I mean, it's not like people don't already know what I look like--" he added, sounding even more confused.
"What?" Lex asked, turning to look up to him.
And that was when Lex realized.
"You're Superman," Lex stated blankly, in more than a little shock.
Clark groaned. "Oh god, I swear -- I am going to get even with Lois for that nickname, if it's the last thing I do!"
"You--" Oh god. Lex was standing next to a superhero. An honest-to-god superhero alien. A real, live, superhero alien who made Warrior Angel look 2D and poorly thought out, and went around saving orphans from five-alarm fires and stopping typhoons from destroying coastlines and speeding trains from colliding and--
Lex stood there and, once he was relatively sure that the next words out of his mouth weren't going to be 'can I have your autograph?', cleared his throat lightly and said, "What should I call you, then?"
"Huh?" Clark looked down at him and bit his lip. "Well, Clark is good. That's my name, I mean. --Well, I guess you could call me Kal-El, too," he added, frowning. "That's my Kryptonian name. But I don't even remember Krypton, I got rocketed here when I was so little."
"So. Clark, then."
Lex received a beaming grin from Clark and decided that that must have been 'alien' for 'yes'.
"You-- Luthor! Sit over there! You, farmboy! Next to him!" the director bellowed, abruptly pushing them both onto the set and stabbing his finger at the couch.
Lex stumbled and Clark quickly grabbed his arm, helping him regain his feet. They'd made it almost to the couch when Clark stopped, and said, "Wait-- Luthor? Lex Luthor? The Lex Luthor? Of LuthorCorp?"
Uh oh. Lex froze, then turned slowly.
He had it on the tip of his tongue. Yes, I am. Yes, but I've only just wrested control back into my own hands. Yes, but I've hardly started to reform it. Yes, but I hardly know what to do with it, and all those black market dealings and human-right-violating projects, well, those aren't mine, I swear-- he mentally babbled, and oh god, why did life hate him so much, and where was--?
"The robot suit! You're that guy with the robotic exoskeleton!" Clark exclaimed excitedly. "You did that fly-by of the 309 the other day--"
Well, that had been mostly for fun...
"--when I was stuck in China during that earthquake--"
...Lex had wondered why he hadn't shown up and given him a lecture about reckless endangerment...
"--and you helped track that car during that high speed chase--"
...and he'd only just fed the video feed to the police because he'd picked it up on his scanner and thought they might enjoy the show...
"--and you swooped down and nabbed those carjackers right in the act!"
...and really, stopping car thieves should be illegal, it was so much fun.
"You saved a lot of people's lives!"
He hadn't been trying to do anything heroic, he'd just been joyriding the prototype and ignored his test staff when they said he should stay within the 'lines'. After all, it was his suit, bought and paid for with his money -- why shouldn't he fly it whenever and wherever he wanted?
"The police love you, by the way," Clark added, and Lex felt an odd glowing sensation in his chest.
"That was... kind of accidental," Lex admitted. After all, he probably would have still done what he'd did, even if the police had said 'no' when he'd asked if they wanted the help.
"Are you kidding?" Clark said, but before Lex could say 'no' and try to set the record straight, Clark was off and running (well, speedster): "That was incredible! And your first time out, too! You've got guts! And you were really flying and everything! --How does it work? It didn't look like jet propulsion from the news chopper video -- is it some kind of EM field? How high can you go? Are you really thinking about using it for spaceships?"
"Uh--" Lex said, standing there, nearly agog. What the hell? He was literally standing next to an alien man who could fly under his own power into orbit, and watching him geek out (genuinely geek out -- seriously, what the hell) about Lex's piss-poor mechanical suit, which was a little toy-nothing compared to what Clark could do. Why was he so interested in Lex being able to go into space when he could do it anytime he wanted, all by himself?
...Oh. Maybe because Lex was the only other one who could, too. Lex would probably be excited if he'd suddenly found a friend who shared his same interests, when he'd thought no-one else did, or ever would.
Huh.
"--Oh geez, can you talk about it?" Clark rambled on. "Or is it like a trade secret or something? I won't ask anymore if it is, I swear. No X-raying or anything. --But will you be helping out more often? I mean, will I see you around flying around Metropolis?" Clark said, all big wide eyes, and looking like he thought that would be the coolest thing in the world.
"Sure," Lex said.
He got himself another blinding grin.
"Places!" the director yelled, and Lex glanced over, then tugged Clark's arm to have him sit down on the couch next to him.
He was smiling as the cameraman went through the countdown, and it wasn't even feigned.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Hello, Metropolis," said Lex smoothly, off the cuecards.
"Hi everybody!" Clark waved.
"I'm Lex Luthor."
"And I'm Clark Kent."
"And this is-- ah," Lex nearly stuttered to a stop at the teleprompter (finally working) which read... 'The Clark and Lex Super Bro Hour'?? What the--
"An incredibly awesome show on TeeVee!" Clark continued with a wide grin, not missing a beat. "Or, at least, we hope you'll think so. I know I do!"
Lex coughed and only barely covered a laugh.
"See, I can say things like that because this is live on-the-air, you know," Clark added, crossing his arms and leaning back with a wink to the camera.
Lex bit his lip to try not to smirk as the producer slapped himself in the forehead, while the rest of the staff looked like they were trying to suppress snickers of their own.
"Aren't you supposed to be a good guy?" Lex couldn't help but turn to him and ask.
"Define 'good'," Clark snarked good-naturedly right back at him, with a devilish grin that he somehow managed to make look almost angelic.
Oh. I guess I'm not going to have to fire my PR staff, after all, Lex thought with a grin. This was going to be fun.
~*~*~*~*~*~
AN2: Small edits made because they annoyed me. Shouldn't read too differently, I think.
Author: josephina_x
Fandom: Smallville
Pairing: Clark, Lex
Rating: G
Spoilers: general for entire series -- Clark and Lex never met in Smallville; "explicitly" references Crossfire (9x06), though
Word count: 1600+
Summary: The Highest-Rated Show on Television today: "The Clark and Lex Super Bro Hour"! Hooray!!!
Warnings: Un-beta'd. AU. Wildly-so.
Disclaimer: Not mine, not-for-profit.
Comments: Yes, please! :)
Author's Note: Seriously, nicnac918, why do I let you do these things to me??? :-P
...which she apparently stole got from here ^_^
Also posted to AO3 here.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Lex wasn't quite sure why he was doing this. His head of PR for LuthorCorp (soon-to-be LexCorp, with his father now gone, and the less said about that, the better) had said something about his image needing to be more "approachable," whatever the hell that meant. Somehow, he'd thought that would mean a little more kissing of babies in the political area and charity galas in the business sector, and a little less... whatever-the-hell-this-was.
~*~*~*~*~*~
After Clark's short-lived tenure as a co-host for "Good Morning, Metropolis" with Lois Lane, he had thought he'd never hear anyone say those dreaded words again:
"You seem 'real'. We think you might have great chemistry."
But he had really needed the money, so...
~*~*~*~*~*~
"What, exactly, are we doing here?" Lex asked.
"You don't know?" Clark asked him in return, flinching away from the makeup lady, who damn near had him tied down to the swivel chair at this point. (Clark didn't know why he needed makeup; it seemed a bit silly to him.)
"...You don't know?" Lex asked incredulously in return, managing to look like he turned in place to stare at him head on, raising his eyebrows, when really all he did was look at him sideways without moving his eyes. (Clark figured that either the guy really was that smooth, or he was used to people putting makeup on him.)
"Um," said Clark.
Lex sighed.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"I am not wearing that," Clark said flatly.
Lex tried, and failed, to entirely stifle a snicker.
"It's got tights. And a mask. Masks itch. And tights are for girls."
Lex rolled his eyes and was thinking up good digs on-camera while he heard the producer tell him, "You signed the paperwork for this. The documents included a stipulation that said that we'd supply your clothes, yes?"
"But I thought that meant that I'd get to pick them out!" he cried.
Lex shook his head slightly. Really, who didn't read the fine print, these days?
When the woman pointed to the rack and politely asked him what sort of thing he would like to wear, and Clark dug something out of a duffle bag he'd brought with him, Lex couldn't help but laugh at the look on the woman's face at the sight of it.
When Lex's dressing woman from Wardrobe tapped him on the shoulder and politely handed him his getup, Lex stopped laughing.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Reality-TV-format my--" Lex muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. He was going to kill his legal staff. He'd barely managed to talk Wardrobe down from some purple-and-green mess to one of his own light purple and grey suits, speedily delivered from the Penthouse by one of his personal staff. (Thank god for cellphones.)
Clark sighed next to him and shifted from foot-to-foot.
"I guess black is ok," he said.
"If you want to go back over there and talk to Wardrobe again, be my guest," Lex said gesturing at them.
Clark's eyes widened and he shook his head repeatedly. Yeah, Lex didn't think so. Not after Lex had taken pity on the poor man and magnanimously put his negotiating skills to the test by talking both sides into the ankle-length black longcoat, black jeans and T-shirt (that had taken some doing), and matching workboots that now adorned the man's giant frame.
"Why do you think they wanted me to wear the mask?" he asked without guile, turning to Lex. "I mean, it's not like people don't already know what I look like--" he added, sounding even more confused.
"What?" Lex asked, turning to look up to him.
And that was when Lex realized.
"You're Superman," Lex stated blankly, in more than a little shock.
Clark groaned. "Oh god, I swear -- I am going to get even with Lois for that nickname, if it's the last thing I do!"
"You--" Oh god. Lex was standing next to a superhero. An honest-to-god superhero alien. A real, live, superhero alien who made Warrior Angel look 2D and poorly thought out, and went around saving orphans from five-alarm fires and stopping typhoons from destroying coastlines and speeding trains from colliding and--
Lex stood there and, once he was relatively sure that the next words out of his mouth weren't going to be 'can I have your autograph?', cleared his throat lightly and said, "What should I call you, then?"
"Huh?" Clark looked down at him and bit his lip. "Well, Clark is good. That's my name, I mean. --Well, I guess you could call me Kal-El, too," he added, frowning. "That's my Kryptonian name. But I don't even remember Krypton, I got rocketed here when I was so little."
"So. Clark, then."
Lex received a beaming grin from Clark and decided that that must have been 'alien' for 'yes'.
"You-- Luthor! Sit over there! You, farmboy! Next to him!" the director bellowed, abruptly pushing them both onto the set and stabbing his finger at the couch.
Lex stumbled and Clark quickly grabbed his arm, helping him regain his feet. They'd made it almost to the couch when Clark stopped, and said, "Wait-- Luthor? Lex Luthor? The Lex Luthor? Of LuthorCorp?"
Uh oh. Lex froze, then turned slowly.
He had it on the tip of his tongue. Yes, I am. Yes, but I've only just wrested control back into my own hands. Yes, but I've hardly started to reform it. Yes, but I hardly know what to do with it, and all those black market dealings and human-right-violating projects, well, those aren't mine, I swear-- he mentally babbled, and oh god, why did life hate him so much, and where was--?
"The robot suit! You're that guy with the robotic exoskeleton!" Clark exclaimed excitedly. "You did that fly-by of the 309 the other day--"
Well, that had been mostly for fun...
"--when I was stuck in China during that earthquake--"
...Lex had wondered why he hadn't shown up and given him a lecture about reckless endangerment...
"--and you helped track that car during that high speed chase--"
...and he'd only just fed the video feed to the police because he'd picked it up on his scanner and thought they might enjoy the show...
"--and you swooped down and nabbed those carjackers right in the act!"
...and really, stopping car thieves should be illegal, it was so much fun.
"You saved a lot of people's lives!"
He hadn't been trying to do anything heroic, he'd just been joyriding the prototype and ignored his test staff when they said he should stay within the 'lines'. After all, it was his suit, bought and paid for with his money -- why shouldn't he fly it whenever and wherever he wanted?
"The police love you, by the way," Clark added, and Lex felt an odd glowing sensation in his chest.
"That was... kind of accidental," Lex admitted. After all, he probably would have still done what he'd did, even if the police had said 'no' when he'd asked if they wanted the help.
"Are you kidding?" Clark said, but before Lex could say 'no' and try to set the record straight, Clark was off and running (well, speedster): "That was incredible! And your first time out, too! You've got guts! And you were really flying and everything! --How does it work? It didn't look like jet propulsion from the news chopper video -- is it some kind of EM field? How high can you go? Are you really thinking about using it for spaceships?"
"Uh--" Lex said, standing there, nearly agog. What the hell? He was literally standing next to an alien man who could fly under his own power into orbit, and watching him geek out (genuinely geek out -- seriously, what the hell) about Lex's piss-poor mechanical suit, which was a little toy-nothing compared to what Clark could do. Why was he so interested in Lex being able to go into space when he could do it anytime he wanted, all by himself?
...Oh. Maybe because Lex was the only other one who could, too. Lex would probably be excited if he'd suddenly found a friend who shared his same interests, when he'd thought no-one else did, or ever would.
Huh.
"--Oh geez, can you talk about it?" Clark rambled on. "Or is it like a trade secret or something? I won't ask anymore if it is, I swear. No X-raying or anything. --But will you be helping out more often? I mean, will I see you around flying around Metropolis?" Clark said, all big wide eyes, and looking like he thought that would be the coolest thing in the world.
"Sure," Lex said.
He got himself another blinding grin.
"Places!" the director yelled, and Lex glanced over, then tugged Clark's arm to have him sit down on the couch next to him.
He was smiling as the cameraman went through the countdown, and it wasn't even feigned.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Hello, Metropolis," said Lex smoothly, off the cuecards.
"Hi everybody!" Clark waved.
"I'm Lex Luthor."
"And I'm Clark Kent."
"And this is-- ah," Lex nearly stuttered to a stop at the teleprompter (finally working) which read... 'The Clark and Lex Super Bro Hour'?? What the--
"An incredibly awesome show on TeeVee!" Clark continued with a wide grin, not missing a beat. "Or, at least, we hope you'll think so. I know I do!"
Lex coughed and only barely covered a laugh.
"See, I can say things like that because this is live on-the-air, you know," Clark added, crossing his arms and leaning back with a wink to the camera.
Lex bit his lip to try not to smirk as the producer slapped himself in the forehead, while the rest of the staff looked like they were trying to suppress snickers of their own.
"Aren't you supposed to be a good guy?" Lex couldn't help but turn to him and ask.
"Define 'good'," Clark snarked good-naturedly right back at him, with a devilish grin that he somehow managed to make look almost angelic.
Oh. I guess I'm not going to have to fire my PR staff, after all, Lex thought with a grin. This was going to be fun.
~*~*~*~*~*~
AN2: Small edits made because they annoyed me. Shouldn't read too differently, I think.