Long bitchy update
So kind of not feeling the life right now. This is probably going to be a long one, its been awhile so feel free to not read my wining. Im emotionally exhausted. I feel like Ive been climbing some giant hill; is there a top from which I could look down and see....Los Angeles?
For starters, you already know about the loss of car (yet not of life so plus there). However the cars immediate destruction was shortly followed by my parents buying me a gray Kia Optima, 02 which, they reveled in because according to them it would serve me until I made it big in the movie biz and bought myself a Mazarati(sp?). The Optima turned out to be quite the mis-purchase. My rents asked me only one question about my car desires (since I knew that they would be purchasing the new car because 1) the old car technically belonged to them so the insurance money went to them and 2) I had no real car expertise or other money of my own), the question I was asked was: 4 door or 2 door? Now, I have a great love for compact cars. They're cheap on the gas, good on the environment, easy to park, fun to drive, cheap, and just generally cute. Sad for me, the one request was completely ignored and instead I arrived in Sarasota to find a large (according to my standards) 4 door gray, leather interior, sunroof, woodgrain, old man looking vehicle. While the color and shape of the car arent bad, and I could live with the 4 doors, I would NEVER purchase a car with leather (sticks to my legs, is ugly, and gives off the completely wrong impression of a vegetarian) or woodgrain for that matter either(this is just personal taste). I didnt want bells and whistles, sun roofs, 6 airbags and gooddamn power locks. I just wanted a small car that I knew I could drive in comfort, that I could turn quickly and easily (like a go cart) and just feel small and insignificant on the road with. Okay so I was a bit upset about the IMAGE of the car, mind you my feelings towards it have infinitely changed since then, in that, I now hate it more than just the way it looks. Its been to around 6 mechanics now, each of which has delivered a completely different list of problems. To sum up, the car has had its alternator changed some 3 times now, has had transmission fluid leaking into the alternator since then, been jumped AT LEAST 10 times and punched by me in a fashion that surprisingly did not break my hand after I screamed at in the school parking lot at 3am in the morning. So yeah, rents bought a bad car, and less then a week after it going nutso they left for Poland. Might I also note that the car had flickering lights (a sure sign of the problems that car had) when my dad bought it. And yes, he noticed it because he talked to me about how strange it was. Call me stupid but I wouldnt buy that car... Oh and one more thing, Im pretty fucking sure they only went to one car dealer. Because the car I got, came from the same place my old chevy was bought: a shady ass place in Venice thats practically under a bridge. Mind you this is only speculation, I have no proof that they didnt look anywhere else; its just a feeling. I tried getting the dude to take the car back and after he told me that if I drove it back to Sota that he would exchange out for another car he refused to give me more than 4g for the damn thing (my dad paid 6 not counting the repairs and upgrades that have already gone into it) so I couldnt very well loose out on 2 grand and have to pay extra to get something halfway decent. So anyway, the car died on me again a day ago. Im trying to figure out whats up. I disconnected the trunk light and am watching how I turn off lights and things. Lets pray to whoever that it was my negligence and not some continuing lemon-ness of the car.
I broke down yesterday because I realized after reading an email from Kellen's dad that I dished out 175 dollars on international calls at his house from talking to my parents about what to do with the fucking car. Nice. Money I definately do not have to be throwing away.
I miss Kellen. I spent two weeks with him and I just miss having him next to me.
On a completely seperate venture its thesis time in Film School land and we're doing this whole new way of doing it. In that we choose the area we want to "focus" on. Needless to say everyone (except for 4 ppl who are doing cinematography) have chosen to direct. I pitched to direct, 2 movie ideas that I worked on very hard over the break while dealing with my stupid car. The pitch didnt go so well, I spent 2 more days trying desperately to come up with ways to make them better and found myself sobbing on the floor(typical of me lately) so a week ago I decided that my talents would be better suited focusing on producing (which is more in line with the kind of work I plan on doing in the industry anyways). After talking to Chip (one of my profs) we talked about how I should do what Iove, that me and him were going to do a mini DIS on 1st ADing and planning on getting into the DGA trainee program, that this, that that, etc, etc. Now a week later and I havent even had my meeting with Reb to, "present what it is that I want to get out of the program". Im kind of stuck, at least til the producign prof comes back into town but Im concerned that this semester will just be a huge waste for me. I simply am getting the idea that since, Im the only one especially, Ill just be ignored when it comes to the learning and that I made a bad decision. I should have kept trying or something. But I was so miserable, and not very good at coming up with better ideas. Also, they passed (meaning come up with whole new story lines) on the 2 things I pitched anyways. Just worried. Hopefully I can make something of it tho.
Oh yes and all during these my PC hardrive crashed while doing a system cleanup. Lost files yes, thankfully under warranty so at least that was fixed for free by Best Buy. And laptop breaking off of exterior paneling thingy--still have yet to send out the damn thing to have it fixed because this too is under warranty.
Then theres the insomnia that you may have noticed. At the moment it is 4:23AM and I am not in the least bit sleepy. Havent been able to fall asleep now in 4 or 5 nights. I played raquetball for 3 hours yesterday hoping to make myself super duper exhausted so I would fall asleep but to no avail. I lay in bed fucking furious. I fall asleep at around 6 or 7am. I think tomm I might consider making a visit to the health center. I need my sleep patterns back.
All in all, Im wondering if there will be a time when 200 dollars wont break me into a fit of tears. If Ill ever get to live with Kellen and not have to experience hating when hes around me for 2 days(because Im not used to having someone around) but then not being able to be without him after Ive gone through the 3 week accustomation period. If Ill ever stop having these bad streaks of luck (remember last year, around this time, when my TV broke, I got hit by a car on my bike, my ipod was rained on and was in a car accident involving a spinning out of control SUV in Michelle's car?). Yeah what the fuck god? Spread it out over time or something. And if Ill stop making myself feel guilty for not being to think of an interesting screenplay. Anybody got ideas to these burning questions? You're probably not even reading still...I wouldnt be reading either, talk about bitching right? Jeez. Im gonna attempt sleep. OH and boozing it up to fall asleep, not working for me right now--tried it. :(
Oh, but there is one bit of good news! I weigh 125 after my regimented exercise, eating, cutting back on sugar diet thingamahoo. 5 more and I will weigh what I weighed when I started undergrad. If I keep going maybe I can actually STOP existing, implode on myself, and thereby solve my crap luck, shitty life, insomnia, car, computer problems. :)
For starters, you already know about the loss of car (yet not of life so plus there). However the cars immediate destruction was shortly followed by my parents buying me a gray Kia Optima, 02 which, they reveled in because according to them it would serve me until I made it big in the movie biz and bought myself a Mazarati(sp?). The Optima turned out to be quite the mis-purchase. My rents asked me only one question about my car desires (since I knew that they would be purchasing the new car because 1) the old car technically belonged to them so the insurance money went to them and 2) I had no real car expertise or other money of my own), the question I was asked was: 4 door or 2 door? Now, I have a great love for compact cars. They're cheap on the gas, good on the environment, easy to park, fun to drive, cheap, and just generally cute. Sad for me, the one request was completely ignored and instead I arrived in Sarasota to find a large (according to my standards) 4 door gray, leather interior, sunroof, woodgrain, old man looking vehicle. While the color and shape of the car arent bad, and I could live with the 4 doors, I would NEVER purchase a car with leather (sticks to my legs, is ugly, and gives off the completely wrong impression of a vegetarian) or woodgrain for that matter either(this is just personal taste). I didnt want bells and whistles, sun roofs, 6 airbags and gooddamn power locks. I just wanted a small car that I knew I could drive in comfort, that I could turn quickly and easily (like a go cart) and just feel small and insignificant on the road with. Okay so I was a bit upset about the IMAGE of the car, mind you my feelings towards it have infinitely changed since then, in that, I now hate it more than just the way it looks. Its been to around 6 mechanics now, each of which has delivered a completely different list of problems. To sum up, the car has had its alternator changed some 3 times now, has had transmission fluid leaking into the alternator since then, been jumped AT LEAST 10 times and punched by me in a fashion that surprisingly did not break my hand after I screamed at in the school parking lot at 3am in the morning. So yeah, rents bought a bad car, and less then a week after it going nutso they left for Poland. Might I also note that the car had flickering lights (a sure sign of the problems that car had) when my dad bought it. And yes, he noticed it because he talked to me about how strange it was. Call me stupid but I wouldnt buy that car... Oh and one more thing, Im pretty fucking sure they only went to one car dealer. Because the car I got, came from the same place my old chevy was bought: a shady ass place in Venice thats practically under a bridge. Mind you this is only speculation, I have no proof that they didnt look anywhere else; its just a feeling. I tried getting the dude to take the car back and after he told me that if I drove it back to Sota that he would exchange out for another car he refused to give me more than 4g for the damn thing (my dad paid 6 not counting the repairs and upgrades that have already gone into it) so I couldnt very well loose out on 2 grand and have to pay extra to get something halfway decent. So anyway, the car died on me again a day ago. Im trying to figure out whats up. I disconnected the trunk light and am watching how I turn off lights and things. Lets pray to whoever that it was my negligence and not some continuing lemon-ness of the car.
I broke down yesterday because I realized after reading an email from Kellen's dad that I dished out 175 dollars on international calls at his house from talking to my parents about what to do with the fucking car. Nice. Money I definately do not have to be throwing away.
I miss Kellen. I spent two weeks with him and I just miss having him next to me.
On a completely seperate venture its thesis time in Film School land and we're doing this whole new way of doing it. In that we choose the area we want to "focus" on. Needless to say everyone (except for 4 ppl who are doing cinematography) have chosen to direct. I pitched to direct, 2 movie ideas that I worked on very hard over the break while dealing with my stupid car. The pitch didnt go so well, I spent 2 more days trying desperately to come up with ways to make them better and found myself sobbing on the floor(typical of me lately) so a week ago I decided that my talents would be better suited focusing on producing (which is more in line with the kind of work I plan on doing in the industry anyways). After talking to Chip (one of my profs) we talked about how I should do what Iove, that me and him were going to do a mini DIS on 1st ADing and planning on getting into the DGA trainee program, that this, that that, etc, etc. Now a week later and I havent even had my meeting with Reb to, "present what it is that I want to get out of the program". Im kind of stuck, at least til the producign prof comes back into town but Im concerned that this semester will just be a huge waste for me. I simply am getting the idea that since, Im the only one especially, Ill just be ignored when it comes to the learning and that I made a bad decision. I should have kept trying or something. But I was so miserable, and not very good at coming up with better ideas. Also, they passed (meaning come up with whole new story lines) on the 2 things I pitched anyways. Just worried. Hopefully I can make something of it tho.
Oh yes and all during these my PC hardrive crashed while doing a system cleanup. Lost files yes, thankfully under warranty so at least that was fixed for free by Best Buy. And laptop breaking off of exterior paneling thingy--still have yet to send out the damn thing to have it fixed because this too is under warranty.
Then theres the insomnia that you may have noticed. At the moment it is 4:23AM and I am not in the least bit sleepy. Havent been able to fall asleep now in 4 or 5 nights. I played raquetball for 3 hours yesterday hoping to make myself super duper exhausted so I would fall asleep but to no avail. I lay in bed fucking furious. I fall asleep at around 6 or 7am. I think tomm I might consider making a visit to the health center. I need my sleep patterns back.
All in all, Im wondering if there will be a time when 200 dollars wont break me into a fit of tears. If Ill ever get to live with Kellen and not have to experience hating when hes around me for 2 days(because Im not used to having someone around) but then not being able to be without him after Ive gone through the 3 week accustomation period. If Ill ever stop having these bad streaks of luck (remember last year, around this time, when my TV broke, I got hit by a car on my bike, my ipod was rained on and was in a car accident involving a spinning out of control SUV in Michelle's car?). Yeah what the fuck god? Spread it out over time or something. And if Ill stop making myself feel guilty for not being to think of an interesting screenplay. Anybody got ideas to these burning questions? You're probably not even reading still...I wouldnt be reading either, talk about bitching right? Jeez. Im gonna attempt sleep. OH and boozing it up to fall asleep, not working for me right now--tried it. :(
Oh, but there is one bit of good news! I weigh 125 after my regimented exercise, eating, cutting back on sugar diet thingamahoo. 5 more and I will weigh what I weighed when I started undergrad. If I keep going maybe I can actually STOP existing, implode on myself, and thereby solve my crap luck, shitty life, insomnia, car, computer problems. :)