a review
I just got back from seeing 300, and I cannot unrecommend this movie enough.
Don't worry about me spoiling anything here. There's absolutely nothing to spoil. I went in expecting little-to-no plot, but I was still shocked at the complete lack of anything remotely resembling a plot! I could write the entirety of the story down in free-hand on one side of a sheet of looseleaf paper without leaving anything out.
But the pain doesn't stop there. Oh no. Next comes the dialogue, if you can call it that. It was predictable to the point where I was often predicting the next line verbatim. The jokes, if you can call them that, fell amazingly flat. I chuckled at an unexpected line exactly once, and it wasn't even that funny. A stupid movie can be redeemed by occasionally witty dialogue, but expect no such solace from this pile of garbage.
"But wait," you say, "this is an action movie! I want to see it for the action!"
Spare yourself the trouble and go watch The Matrix again. The special effects are about on par (only no longer cutting edge), and the camera work is vastly inferior. The repeated shots of spears thrusting towards the camera seemed as though the director was trying to strike home just how painful the movie was to watch.
The action itself was as predictable as the plot, if not more-so. I admit there were such monstrous beasts as elephants and rhinoceros (note singular), not to mention a paltry menagerie of inexplicably deformed man-beasts, but they really didn't add much at all.
As a whole, the entire thing was one grand masterpiece of juvenile, masculine, masturbatory fantasy. And a terrible one at that.
In short, and I really cannot stress this enough: This movie has nothing to offer. Absolutely nothing.
Don't worry about me spoiling anything here. There's absolutely nothing to spoil. I went in expecting little-to-no plot, but I was still shocked at the complete lack of anything remotely resembling a plot! I could write the entirety of the story down in free-hand on one side of a sheet of looseleaf paper without leaving anything out.
But the pain doesn't stop there. Oh no. Next comes the dialogue, if you can call it that. It was predictable to the point where I was often predicting the next line verbatim. The jokes, if you can call them that, fell amazingly flat. I chuckled at an unexpected line exactly once, and it wasn't even that funny. A stupid movie can be redeemed by occasionally witty dialogue, but expect no such solace from this pile of garbage.
"But wait," you say, "this is an action movie! I want to see it for the action!"
Spare yourself the trouble and go watch The Matrix again. The special effects are about on par (only no longer cutting edge), and the camera work is vastly inferior. The repeated shots of spears thrusting towards the camera seemed as though the director was trying to strike home just how painful the movie was to watch.
The action itself was as predictable as the plot, if not more-so. I admit there were such monstrous beasts as elephants and rhinoceros (note singular), not to mention a paltry menagerie of inexplicably deformed man-beasts, but they really didn't add much at all.
As a whole, the entire thing was one grand masterpiece of juvenile, masculine, masturbatory fantasy. And a terrible one at that.
In short, and I really cannot stress this enough: This movie has nothing to offer. Absolutely nothing.