Where I Fix All Of Hollywood's Romance Story Problems
#ImaginaryConversationsIHave
Watching Age of Ultron & the trumped up love story between Banner and Black Widow, where the super assassin who has never known a "normal" day in her fucking life is putting the moves on the dude who turns into a giant green monster every time he gets pissed off.
So Banner, once he finally figures out that Natasha is actually propositioning him and not just "flirting", rejects her advances, not because he's not interested, but because he can't offer her a "normal" life on a farm with kids and a day job.
So, in my head, I'm getting pissed off at the hubris of men all over again, for not allowing her to make her own damn decisions, and for assuming that a white picket fence is even an interest of hers (and at the presumably male writers who made fucking Black Widow's big secret be that she wants kids & can't have them), so this conversation pops into my head:
Banner: I can't offer you this! I can't ever have a normal life!
Romanoff: I can't have this either!
Banner: What?!
Me: Hold on a minute here.
Banner: Hey, who are you?
Me: Shut up and listen because you're mucking this all up. Bruce, look at her.
Banner: [looks at Black Widow in head-to-toe black leather]
Me: Does she look like Suzie Homemaker?
Banner: Huh?
Me: Does Natasha *look* like the house in the suburbs kinda girl?
Banner: Well...
Me: Is she a child?
Banner: No!
Me: Then stop making her fucking decisions for her! She is not under any illusions about the kind of life you lead. She's the one who tracked you down in the jungle. She's the one who talks you down from your rages. She's the one who has no super powers whatsoever and yet she can keep up with your entire fucking team!
Banner: But...
Me: No. Just stop right there. Do you like her?
Banner: I...
Me: Stop. Do you like her, yes or no?
Banner: Yes.
Me: Are you attracted to her?
Banner: Yes, but...
Me: Uh uh! Stop with all the objections. This is very simple. Stop telling her what she can't have and tell her what she *can* have. What is on the table? What can you offer her?
Banner: Huh?
Me: Excitement? Danger? Adventure? Violence? Extra emotional labor? A very good chance that one or both of you will die young in a horrible way? Some companionship on the journey? Maybe a little nookie?
Banner: Uh, yeah.
Me: Great. Natasha, how does that sound to you?
Romanoff: Sounds great to me!
Me: Excellent! Negotiations complete - you're now dating!
Banner: Wait a minute! What about when this all gets old? What happens when she changes her mind?
Me: The same thing that happens when you change your mind - you renegotiate when the time comes. Muggles! I swear!
Banner / Romanoff: Muggles?!
Me: Muggles - monogamous people. Y'all make this whole romance stuff way more complicated than it needs to be. Just say what you want, ask if they want that too, hear what it is that they want, and if you can find a compromise, then go with it, otherwise, don't.
It REALLY does not need to be this much trouble.
Me: [wanders off, muttering to myself about monogamous paradigms]
Banner: [stares after me leaving with a glazed look on his face - half confused, half "who the hell was that?"]
Romanoff: Well, you heard her - we're dating now. So quit your bitching and get over here and kiss me!
#HollywoodIAmAvailableForWritingConsultations #JustFuckingTalkToEachOther #ItIsNotThatComplicated #WhatDoYouWant?
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