What's The Difference Between A Gaslight Victim And A Gaslighter?

[joreth]

I have a question and I need for everyone interested in answering it to assume that I am asking in good faith, not trolling.

Are there any articles that directly compare and contrast the difference between being gaslighted and someone who is *actually* the horrible things that a gaslighter accuses the victim to be

Comments

[joreth]

"From the inside, all abusers look like victims. They're not lying. They're not typically running long-game Machiavellian machinations that will end in their total dominion over all life."

This exactly. It's also what makes it possible for victims to also be abusers. No one is a White Hat Hero or Black Hat Villain and everyone has very convoluted and complex motivations for the things that they do. Psychology is messy. For once, I'm not actually trying to demonize abusers, I'm trying to (with this post) find solutions to get past the smoke screens that we all put up when we convince ourselves that we are the hero of our own stories so that we can start identifying our own misbehaviour and start taking responsibility for how we affect those around us - in other words, how to own our own shit.

I'm trying to find ways for people who are hurting others but who don't know it and possibly are unable to know it at this stage in their emotional development to learn to identify how and why they are hurting others, and also to show how that's different from the feeling that victims have when they fear that they are the ones doing the hurting when they're not. I don't think people will be able to stop hurting others until they understand why the feelings they have of being hurt are not reflective of reality and, instead, are reflective of how they're trying to hurt others.

That was all very rambly and I'm not sure if it made much sense.

[virginia_fell]

I don't know how to explain that to people who effectively don't already have a receptor for that category of message, or who will use it as something other than data when they receive it. I mean, there are some general guidelines for talking through someone's personal filters so that the truth happens on their side after translation, but that requires so much knowledge and investment and vulnerability on the part of the person doing it that even though I still have some degree of confidence in my ability to manage it... I would much rather that job be in the hands of someone with the necessary training that lets them charge for their time and energy.

There might be some shortcuts? Some general principles that could be a little more widely-applied. My best hypothesis right now for a starting point would be to help people see the difference between examining their behavior even when it hurts, and examining their behavior specifically so that it will hurt.