Intimidating? Who, Me?
I blurted out to a friend that my most successful relationships were with people who found me just a little tiny bit intimidating, but who like that they're intimidated by me. I said that hanging up some of my best targets (from shooting guns) over my bed is a pretty good litmus test for whether or not a guy is A) intimidated and B) likes it. And so I've been thinking about what that means.
I want to be seen as fierce, strong, intelligent, complex, nuanced, capable, passionate, rational, and often right. These are things about myself that I value the most, and so I want people to see them in me. But I want for my partners to not just see these traits in me, I want them to admire, celebrate, and cherish these traits in me.
These sorts of traits are often described as "intimidating", especially when first meeting someone. But when I say "intimidating", I don't mean "forboding" or "forbidding". I mean they feel a sense of admiration that can maybe make me seem a tiny bit larger-than-life. People often feel that way about celebrites or particularly accomplished people. But as they get to know them on a more intimate level, those celebrities become people - they become fully-realized, three-dimensional human beings with depth and nuance and texture. Maybe the "intimidation" goes away once we get to know them, but if the reason for the initial intimidation is admiration for certain traits and not fear of them being scary (the other interpretation of "intimidation"), then I want that admiration to stick around after the larger-than-life shrinks down to complex-human-size.
I'm tired of men who claim to find me "intimidating" and, because of that, think that they are not good enough for me or that they can't measure up to my standards. But I'm also sick of men who claim to desire strong, independent female partners only to get irritated at me when I do exactly those sorts of things that strong, independent women do, like argue my position or refuse to ask for help when I don't actually need it or sometimes take on too much because I think I can do it.
I am also sick of men who think it's "cute" that I'm all "tough chick". Fuck you asshole! And I'm sick of men who just want to protect me. And I'm sick of men who tell me that they love me but don't really seem to like me very much because they ask me to stop doing things that are central to the very core of who I am as a person or, worse yet, who never ask me to change but who dump me for exactly the same reasons they said interested them in me in the first place.
No, I will not give up costuming even though I make a mess of the house when I do it and you hate that. No, I will not wear dresses more often, they're impractical. No, I will not stop asking you to explain why things in movies don't make sense. No, I will not stop ranting about sexism, theism, or monogamy. No, I will not give up my cat. No, I will not give up dancing just because you get jealous when I dance with other men. No I will not refuse to work on the car to save you the embarassment from having a girlfriend fix it when you couldn't. No, I will not stop swearing. Even when there are kids around. And no, I will not calm the fuck down.
I basically want for my partners to recognize those things about me that I value the most, and I want them to acknowledge how amazing and fantastic it is for a person to have these sorts of traits. I want them to agree with me that those parts of me that make me awesome are, indeed, the parts of me that make me awesome. I don't want my core values and personality-defining traits to be "tolerated", I want them to be revered. Doesn't everyone? And shouldn't everyone be able to find that?
**EDIT**
I would like to point out that the traits that I want to be admired for, not tolerated, are not traits that I think everyone should value about themselves the same way I do. If you prefer to think of yourself as someone who is flexible, caring, bubbly, creative, spontaneous, anything else that I didn't say ... as long as you admire those traits about yourself then those traits about you should never just be "tolerated", they should be revered. Maybe "intimidated" is not the right word to describe how people feel about you, but the underlying philosophy is still appropriate - people should find those traits about you admirable and like you because of them, not in spite of them, maybe have just a little bit of "I wish I was better in those areas than I am" and to find exposure to you makes them a better person.
I want to be seen as fierce, strong, intelligent, complex, nuanced, capable, passionate, rational, and often right. These are things about myself that I value the most, and so I want people to see them in me. But I want for my partners to not just see these traits in me, I want them to admire, celebrate, and cherish these traits in me.
These sorts of traits are often described as "intimidating", especially when first meeting someone. But when I say "intimidating", I don't mean "forboding" or "forbidding". I mean they feel a sense of admiration that can maybe make me seem a tiny bit larger-than-life. People often feel that way about celebrites or particularly accomplished people. But as they get to know them on a more intimate level, those celebrities become people - they become fully-realized, three-dimensional human beings with depth and nuance and texture. Maybe the "intimidation" goes away once we get to know them, but if the reason for the initial intimidation is admiration for certain traits and not fear of them being scary (the other interpretation of "intimidation"), then I want that admiration to stick around after the larger-than-life shrinks down to complex-human-size.
I'm tired of men who claim to find me "intimidating" and, because of that, think that they are not good enough for me or that they can't measure up to my standards. But I'm also sick of men who claim to desire strong, independent female partners only to get irritated at me when I do exactly those sorts of things that strong, independent women do, like argue my position or refuse to ask for help when I don't actually need it or sometimes take on too much because I think I can do it.
I am also sick of men who think it's "cute" that I'm all "tough chick". Fuck you asshole! And I'm sick of men who just want to protect me. And I'm sick of men who tell me that they love me but don't really seem to like me very much because they ask me to stop doing things that are central to the very core of who I am as a person or, worse yet, who never ask me to change but who dump me for exactly the same reasons they said interested them in me in the first place.
No, I will not give up costuming even though I make a mess of the house when I do it and you hate that. No, I will not wear dresses more often, they're impractical. No, I will not stop asking you to explain why things in movies don't make sense. No, I will not stop ranting about sexism, theism, or monogamy. No, I will not give up my cat. No, I will not give up dancing just because you get jealous when I dance with other men. No I will not refuse to work on the car to save you the embarassment from having a girlfriend fix it when you couldn't. No, I will not stop swearing. Even when there are kids around. And no, I will not calm the fuck down.
I basically want for my partners to recognize those things about me that I value the most, and I want them to acknowledge how amazing and fantastic it is for a person to have these sorts of traits. I want them to agree with me that those parts of me that make me awesome are, indeed, the parts of me that make me awesome. I don't want my core values and personality-defining traits to be "tolerated", I want them to be revered. Doesn't everyone? And shouldn't everyone be able to find that?
**EDIT**
I would like to point out that the traits that I want to be admired for, not tolerated, are not traits that I think everyone should value about themselves the same way I do. If you prefer to think of yourself as someone who is flexible, caring, bubbly, creative, spontaneous, anything else that I didn't say ... as long as you admire those traits about yourself then those traits about you should never just be "tolerated", they should be revered. Maybe "intimidated" is not the right word to describe how people feel about you, but the underlying philosophy is still appropriate - people should find those traits about you admirable and like you because of them, not in spite of them, maybe have just a little bit of "I wish I was better in those areas than I am" and to find exposure to you makes them a better person.