But I'M Not Cheating, He Is!

[joreth]

First of all, let's define "cheating". Two people have an agreement, either explicit or implicit, about how their relationship should look. If implicit, the "cheater" knows that the spouse would not approve even if they never made any vows on the subject. What that agreement is about is not relevant to this definition. It could be about sexual

Comments

[anonymous]

Yeah. I've never understood that. I got involved with a woman once who represented herself (not just to me, but to a large group of people in my then-local kink community) as single. After about 2 months & increasing levels of doubt over suspicious behavior I was able to determine she was, in fact, married. I confronted her about it & her response was "Well you're poly, why do you care?"
Ugh.
Seems she sought out poly guys because so many of them took the attitude you describe here.

[joreth]

I've had quite a few people who have come to me, either as a prospective partner or as a friend to confide in, who were looking to cheat precisely because they knew I was poly & didn't see the difference between what I do and what they do. They are always surprised to learn that I do not respect cheating & that I always stick up for their partners they are cheating on.

There is a reason why monos fear us. Well, there are many, but this one, unfortunately, has more truth to it than I am happy about. As far as I'm concerned, if I want anyone to respect my right to have relationships that I want to have, then I have to extend that respect back. I may not understand their choices, or even like them, but if they wish to be in a monogamous relationship, I have to respect that choice, or my demands for equal rights have no weight.

[anonymous]

At least those people had the decency to let you know up front! That's more than I got in the above noted situation.

[joreth]

Well, some of them did :-) Some of those who approached me as a prospective partner did not, but because I am so transparent, it's pretty easy to ferret out the truth. Asking why I can't speak to their wife is often a good place to discover their deception.

Also, sorry to hear about the above situation. It sucks, and I hate finding out after the fact like that.

[anonymous]

Funnily enough, I'd forgotten all about this (even with the reminder of the discussion here) and then earlier today I was looking thru old emails and I found some from her where we started fighting before I discovered the truth.
Here's the real irony... she was demanding I give up my other partners & be with her exclusively because she "couldn't handle poly."

[joreth]

Clearly she couldn't handle poly, if she's cheating :-/ *sigh* people confuse me.