Poly-ish Movie Review Guidelines

[joreth]

I reviewed a couple of movies that fell into a grey area, in terms of my guidelines for poly movies, and the most recent one was really tough to decide. So I felt that I ought to clearly list my guidelines, both for my own use when I find a grey-area movie, and for others who might be wondering why some movies make the list when others don't.

Here are the guidelines for what makes it to the Poly-ish Movie List and what doesn't:

Movies That Do Go On The List  Movies That Do Not Go On The List

• If the movie has a functional, happy relationship that includes more than two people, even if they are not main characters, it goes on the list.
  • If the relationship is 3 or more people (i.e. Whatever Works), it's poly
  • If the relationship is a core dyad that is "open" to the members having additional sexual or romantic partners (i.e.  Belle Epoque), it's poly-ish
• If the movie has a relationship that includes more than two people, and may not appear to be "happy" or "functional" because of viewer's subjective definitions of "happy" and "functional" but still gives the characters a "happy" ending / implies that they are happy with their choices and is clearly a multi-partner family group (i.e. Cafe Au Lait & Rita, Sue & Bob Too), it will probably go on the list.
• If the movie is a documentary or TV interview showing real people in consensual, honest, loving multi-partner relationships, even if the relationship ends poorly, it goes on the list (Three of Hearts & Cat Dancers).
• If the movie has a poly or poly-ish relationship that ends due to outside pressure or personality conflicts, but seems to be an otherwise functional and happy relationship and it was not the polyamory that caused the breakup (i.e. Paint Your Wagons), it goes on the list.
• If the movie shows positive and/or realistic scenarios of poly issues & situations, such as coming-out conversations, dealing with discrimination (i.e. Esmeralda Comes By Night), overcoming jealousy, reaching out to metamours, etc., it goes on the list.
• If a movie ends on an ambiguous note that can be interpreted by the viewer as leading to a happy poly family (i.e. Kiss Me Again & Micki & Maude), it will probably go on the list.
• If the movie shows a clear and unambiguous multi-adult intentional family, regardless of who is having sex with whom ( The Wedding Banquet), it will probably go on the list.

• If the movie has a dyad that tries a threesome, and it goes horribly wrong because someone is psychotic (i.e. Trois), it does NOT go on the list.
• If the movie has a relationship with two or more people who cannot communicate, who are jealous, or who otherwise demonstrate or imply that open relationships are impossible and doomed to fail (i.e. Sleep With Me & Portrait of an Open Marriage), it does NOT go on the list.
• If the movie makes any character choose one partner over another, and especially if it implies that choosing one makes the protagonist happy in spite of the jilted lover being a decent partner (i.e. Sweet Home Alabama), it does NOT go on the list.
• If the movie shows one character in love with 2 or more others, and the only possible resolution is to kill one off to justify loving more than one (i.e. Pearl Harbor - it's OK for widows to love current & former partner) or make one totally unsuitable and therefore an obvious Bad Choice (i.e.  Carolina & pretty much every romantic comedy), it does NOT go on the list
• If the movie is a clear example of why we have the phrase Relationship Broken, Add More People, and why that is a sarcastic and derogatory phrase implying a recipe for disaster (i.e. Sex And Breakfast), it does NOT go on the list.
• If the movie is all about having lots of sex with lots of partners, and there is no love among the partners (i.e. Y Tu Mama Tambien,  The Story of O, & Farinelli), it does NOT go on the list.
• If the movie seems to be written with a tone that implies that open relationships cannot work, it does NOT go on the list.
  • i.e. the monogamous characters are the sympathetic protagonists / poly characters are the "bad guys" / antagonists
  • i.e. the poly characters' decisions only make sense in the context of a writer who doesn't understand polyamory

Caveats:
Cheating -  movies about cheaters and cheating do not go on the list, but there are some circumstances that may exempt a cheating movie.
ExemptionsNon-Exemptions

• If the cheater(s) comes clean & they attempt to switch to an open and honest relationship (i.e. Summer Lovers), it might go on the list.
• If the cheating involves more than sex and/or loving feelings for both the spouse & secret OSO, and there is some kind of social constriction, such as a historical era or a conservative culture, that prevents the characters from being honest and having a happy ending while still being realistic, the movie might go on the list if the tone is compassionate and sympathetic and not condemning (i.e. Same Time Next Year).

• If the cheating includes justifications, selfishness, lack of empathy or concern, and those things last for the duration of the movie with no change in position or a refusal to acknowledge the hurt being caused, the movie does NOT go on the list
• If the cheating includes a psychopath, like the cautionary threesome tales, the movie does NOT go on the list.

Open Relationship vs. Polyamory - movies that are all about lots of sex partners don't go on the list, but if a movie is particularly ambiguous or ambivalent about the presence of love among the partners such that it rides that fuzzy line between polyamory and other types of consensual non-monogamy, it might go on the list.  If the lessons and morals of the story are particularly true or important for poly relationships, that might tip the scales in favor of the list, such as a movie about swingers that emphasizes honesty, communication, and compassion and/or that develops loving friendships between the extramarital partners (i.e. Swingtown).

Non-Sexual Intentional Families - it is usually assumed that "romantic" relationships have some element of sexuality in them to make them "different" from platonic friendships.  There are some movies that may be exempted from that assumption.  In the case where there are clearly more than 2 adults who are in a family that, for all intents and purposes, looks like a "romantic" family, even if some members are not having sex with each other, it might go on the list.  If there are, for example, 3 people who choose to raise children together and live together, even if 1 member is not sexual with the other 2, as in The Wedding Banquet, if the "family" is emphasized strongly enough, it might make the list.  Films from other eras or cultures that have a stronger taboo against non-marital sex may include a multi-adult family without sex and yet still have the tone and feel of a "romantic" family, such as Design For Living.

Breakups & Death - movies that have the relationship end with a breakup or death do not generally go on the list, but there are some circumstances that may exempt a movie with a sad or tragic ending.

• If the breakup has nothing to do with the polyamory, but has to do with outside influences, such as the country going to war & separating people, or the pressure to conform to social standards is too great (usually due to the era), the movie might go on the list (i.e. Head In The Clouds &  Paint Your Wagon).
• If the movie has other valuable elements in it, such as examples of common and important conversations (coming out, discrimination, overcoming jealousy, etc.), or is a true story of an actual poly family, such as a documentary (i.e. Three of Hearts), then even a relationship that ends poorly may be added to the list.
• Movies where characters die are not automatically excluded from the list - it depends on what role that death plays in the story. If the death is just a part of life in the story, and not the sole justification for someone loving more than one (i.e.  Carrington), it might go on the list.  But if one character is torn between two others, and the only way the character can justify loving them both is to kill one of them off (i.e. Pearl Harbor), it does NOT go on the list.

I think I covered everything.  If someone has a question about why a particular movie did or did not make the list, or someone knows of a movie plot that is questionable and doesn't see a guideline for it here, let me know and I'll attempt to refine the guidelines.