Your First Dungeon Visit!
I have been asked by several people what they should know on their first visit to a public dungeon, what to wear, and what the dungeon etiquette was. So I decided I should write up a post with these very answers. This is for people who have never, ever been to a dungeon or fetish club or public play party of any sort, and who have no experience at all with the kink community or scene, and who wish to attend a fetish event to learn more without offending or insulting anyone, or embarrassing themselves:
First, I recommend visiting http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html and http://www.symtoys.com for ideas, suggestions, tutorials, and explanations of all manner of kinky things.
If you're in the area, I very highly recommend visiting The Woodshed in Orlando. It's the best dungeon I've ever attended, anywhere. They have a website at http://www.thewoodshedorlando.com and they also have a group on Fetlife.
One of the good things about The 'Shed is that there is no dress code. You can come dressed however you want (as long as it's legal between the car and the door). As you get more comfortable and begin to build your kink persona and learn your interests, you can develop your own kinky attire over time.
If you have absolutely no clothing that counts as "kinky" or you have absolutely no idea, but want to dress "appropriately", wearing solid black in whatever you have is usually a safe bet. There is a fetish for everything, so even if the only solid black you have is conservative, office-safe business attire, that will still fit in. In fact, prim & proper, conservative business attire is its own fetish even if it's not in solid black! Red and black is another popular combination, as is purple & black, and silver and black.
When you go to other clubs, they often have more stringent dress codes, and hopefully their website should tell you what that is. Usually, jeans are not allowed, even black jeans. Military clothing is usually allowed, and can be found in camouflage or solid black at almost any Army/Navy store. I often wear black BDUs (the military cargo pants) because they don't look like fetish wear when I have to be in public, they're comfortable, and they're affordable.
Then, depending on whether you become a top or a bottom (definitions at the end), and what style of kink you find suits you best, you may want to look into some leather or latex clothing later on. Some men like to wear kilts and combat boots, some men wear leather pants and vests, some men wear women's clothes, some men wear normal but dressy clothing like slacks, button-up shirts, ties, vests, etc. Women wear sexy nightclub wear, leather pants and dresses, latex, mens' clothing, uniforms, and lingerie (just make sure to wear some form of cover-up if you go that route). Fairvilla, in Orlando, is the best adult store around and has a modest "kink-light" section upstairs with leather and other fetish clothing. JT Stockroom has more hardcore clothing, as does Extreme Restraints. Don't spend a lot of money until you become comfortable with the kink culture and have begun to develop your fetish tastes. Fetish gear & clothing can be quite expensive, so hold off on that for a while. You can also go nude if you're feeling particularly brave!
(P.S. I realize the above paragraph was gender-binary. Even if people are on a gender spectrum, clothing is not - there is either male, female, or unisex clothing (which is usually just "male" clothing that is acceptable for women to wear), so people of alternate gender identities may still arrive in one of the common fetish outfits described above. I attempted to highlight some of the most common, perhaps cliche, outfits, to give a new person some direction to go in if they choose to put together a fetish outfit, either from their own wardrobe or from a store (particularly if the club they are attending has a dress code) and to give them things to look for in other people's outfits as ideas when they start to build their own kinky wardrobe. This is not intended to be an all-inclusive list of fetish attire, nor a recommendation that newbies go out and build a wardrobe before their first club attendance. Notice the first sentence "depending on whether you become ... may want to look into ... later on")
But if you attend The Woodshed first, you can just go there in regular clothing and look around and just see what's out there. Tell them that you're new and ask for a tour and some guidance. Their staff is more than happy to assist and introduce new people to the club and to other people.
As far as etiquette goes, the rule of thumb is "if you don't know, ask." Ask people if they would mind explaining something to you that you don't understand or would like to learn more about. If someone is wearing a collar, ask them if you are allowed to speak to them or if they have a Dom that you should speak to first. Be clear that you are asking about the appropriate method - do not assume, or imply that you are assuming, that someone with a collar should not be talked to - only some submissives use that particular protocol.
When someone is in a "scene", that is, when someone is actually using some of the furniture in the club, or flogging someone, or tying someone up, or otherwise interacting with someone in any way other than just talking, do not interrupt. If you're not sure if someone is in a scene and you want to talk to that person, ask someone else if it would be appropriate or not.
Many places are a lot more strict than the Woodshed, they have a lot more rules, or they are, what's called, "strict protocol". That's another reason why I recommend the 'Shed first - it's much more relaxed and it's OK if you don't know the rules yet or what things mean.
For your very first visit, I do not recommend actually playing with anyone at all, even your partner. If you have never been to a club or dungeon at all before, make your first visit an observation visit. If the owner or a staff member offers to show you something, you might want to agree to an instruction or tutorial, but I recommend saving the actual playing until after you have had time to process your feelings and reactions to being in a public dungeon, and perhaps even after you have been to a workshop or instructional panel and learned some of the safety issues involved in whatever style of play you are interested in trying.
Playing in public has a very different feel from playing privately, and you may be surprised by your reaction to the idea of playing publicly, so try to spread out the number of emotional surprises and don't do too much in any single visit, especially your first.
Also, you will want to learn more about how to negotiate a scene before you actually try it. Just because someone is a regular dungeon attendee, and even if they have other play partners, that doesn't mean that they have scene-negotiating skills. People can be participants in kink for many years and still never develop good communication or negotiation skills. You don't want to have to process your first exposure to all this kink stuff, PLUS trying to negotiate a scene for your first time, PLUS whatever emotions pop up from playing in public, PLUS whatever emotions pop up from the scene itself, all on the first visit.
Agree to exchange contact information or set up a negotiation date if you happen to meet someone who seems interesting and you want to try playing with them. If they seem pushy about trying to get you to play right then and do not want to set up a future date, it's probably in your best interest not to play with them at all. Someone who is good with first-timers will understand the need to move slowly and take things one step at a time, and they will be willing to play with you at some future event if they are interested in playing/teaching at all.
**ADDED**
More etiquette:
Flirting in a sexually-charged atmosphere is tricky and filled with landmines. Some people think it's entirely appropriate to flirt, hit on, or pick up people they meet in fetish clubs, and some people get really offended, and there is no clear, accepted-by-everyone definition for the words "flirt", "hit on", or "pick up". So, until you have spent some time in your particular local venue and have learned the local customs and etiquette, start here. These guidelines are not intended to be permanent or concrete rules - if your local venue has a different set of etiquette, switch to that. These guidelines are meant as the *safest* approach for when you do not know the local atmosphere:
Do not offer compliments on physical appearance until you have clearly established that the recipient of your compliment appreciates them from *you* (some people only like compliments from people they know). If you simply cannot restrain yourself, limit your compliments to their attire or accessories (in this case, tattoos, piercings, restraints, rope-work, etc. all count as "accessories") - things that the recipient had some control over and made deliberate decisions about. After you have determined that the recipient appreciates compliments on his or her appearance from you, you can discard this guideline *with that person*.
Do not make sexually suggestive comments until you have had some sort of conversation with the person, where they seem interested in you. It is not always easy to tell when someone "seems interested in you", and oftentimes, signals get mis-read. This will happen, and when it does, just apologize and try not to do it again. But even if someone is "making eyes" at you from across the room, talk to that person first and get to know a little about them (at least, in the context of the venue) before suggesting, even in jest, that they accompany you in some sexual or fetish-related activity.
Also, people usually like it when you look them in the face while talking to them. I know there are lots of neat outfits and nudity in fetish clubs, but when actually having a conversation with someone, focus on their face if you're not referring to something specific in the room.
Do not make derisive or negative comments about other guests' appearance or their activities, even if they are not your preferred "type". If you must, save those comments for when you get home. While you're at it, attempt to control your facial expressions so that you do not make obvious expressions of disgust or horror. If you are put off by the people or the activities in the club, leave. But also know that there are other clubs with other atmospheres and what you see in this club is not necessarily indicative of BDSM everywhere. It may not even be indicative of that particular club if you are attending on a theme night or there is a particular guest who is not a regular. There are a LOT of different kinds of people and activities covered under the umbrella of BDSM, and no one will be into every single aspect of that. If you see something that is not for you, don't worry, there will probably be something else that you will like better.
Do not arrive under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Some clubs have a strict policy against that. Other clubs sell or offer alcohol there, so you can "fix" your sobriety after you arrive if you must. It is my personal opinion that all BDSM activities, which have an element of danger or risk, should be performed sober anyway, but if a club offers alcohol while on the premises, I leave the responsibility in their hands.
Do not assume any consent. ALWAYS ask for clear consent, for clarification if you are unsure, and permission (remember, this is for newbies - if you already have a partner for whom the issue of consent has been pre-established, this does not apply to you). This is a big issue with people who tend towards the dominant end of the spectrum. Even if you have established that you will take a dominant position over another guest, it does not hurt your authority to ask "may I?" before beginning. It also does not hurt your authority to check in with your play partner throughout the scene, or the event if you are not scening, to ask how he or she is doing and if they want to continue.
Do not assume you have to give consent. You may reject any offer and any person, for any reason and at any time, even in the middle of a scene. If someone offers to play with you, you are not obligated to accept. If you already have accepted but have changed your mind, you are not obligated to continue.
Here are just a few visual signals you might see and what they often mean:
Collars - This often, but not always, means that a person is "collared", or "belongs" to someone. Someone wearing a collar or a choker is usually a bottom or a submissive, and probably has an "owner" of some sort. If their collar has a ring for a leash on it (or the leash itself) then they are more likely to belong to someone. Although some people just like how the collars look, and a top or a Dom might wear a collar that does not have a ring if they like the look of a collar. If someone is wearing a collar, especially if it has a ring on it, and you want to talk to them, ask them if you are allowed to speak to them directly or if you need to ask someone else permission first.
Boots - A person wearing boots, either male or female, is often (not always) a top or a Dominant. The exception is when the boots are especially constrictive, such as boots that chain together or boots that force the foot into an extremely pointed position like a ballerina on point. I will often wear boots just to keep aggressive Doms away even on nights that I plan to play as a bottom.
Bare Feet - Someone who is barefoot is often (not always) a bottom or a sub. The more vulnerable skin that is exposed (i.e. bottoms of feet, backs of legs, butts, backs), the more likely that person is to be someone who receives floggings, spankings, to be tied up, or is someone's slave or property.
Armbands - this is the most common symbol for a Dungeon Master or Dungeon Moderator and will usually say "staff" or "DM" on it. These are the staff members of the club who are here to answer your questions and make sure that everyone is playing safely and abiding by the rules of the club. Some staff members have staff shirts, but some prefer to dress in their own kinky attire, and will have an armband around their arm, or tucked into their waistband like those strips of fabric used in "flag football". Keep an eye out for these people and go to them if you have any questions. If the club that you attend does not use armbands, ask what identification the staff does wear so you can recognize them easily.
Some definitions of terms used here:
First, I recommend visiting http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html and http://www.symtoys.com for ideas, suggestions, tutorials, and explanations of all manner of kinky things.
If you're in the area, I very highly recommend visiting The Woodshed in Orlando. It's the best dungeon I've ever attended, anywhere. They have a website at http://www.thewoodshedorlando.com and they also have a group on Fetlife.
One of the good things about The 'Shed is that there is no dress code. You can come dressed however you want (as long as it's legal between the car and the door). As you get more comfortable and begin to build your kink persona and learn your interests, you can develop your own kinky attire over time.
If you have absolutely no clothing that counts as "kinky" or you have absolutely no idea, but want to dress "appropriately", wearing solid black in whatever you have is usually a safe bet. There is a fetish for everything, so even if the only solid black you have is conservative, office-safe business attire, that will still fit in. In fact, prim & proper, conservative business attire is its own fetish even if it's not in solid black! Red and black is another popular combination, as is purple & black, and silver and black.
When you go to other clubs, they often have more stringent dress codes, and hopefully their website should tell you what that is. Usually, jeans are not allowed, even black jeans. Military clothing is usually allowed, and can be found in camouflage or solid black at almost any Army/Navy store. I often wear black BDUs (the military cargo pants) because they don't look like fetish wear when I have to be in public, they're comfortable, and they're affordable.
Then, depending on whether you become a top or a bottom (definitions at the end), and what style of kink you find suits you best, you may want to look into some leather or latex clothing later on. Some men like to wear kilts and combat boots, some men wear leather pants and vests, some men wear women's clothes, some men wear normal but dressy clothing like slacks, button-up shirts, ties, vests, etc. Women wear sexy nightclub wear, leather pants and dresses, latex, mens' clothing, uniforms, and lingerie (just make sure to wear some form of cover-up if you go that route). Fairvilla, in Orlando, is the best adult store around and has a modest "kink-light" section upstairs with leather and other fetish clothing. JT Stockroom has more hardcore clothing, as does Extreme Restraints. Don't spend a lot of money until you become comfortable with the kink culture and have begun to develop your fetish tastes. Fetish gear & clothing can be quite expensive, so hold off on that for a while. You can also go nude if you're feeling particularly brave!
(P.S. I realize the above paragraph was gender-binary. Even if people are on a gender spectrum, clothing is not - there is either male, female, or unisex clothing (which is usually just "male" clothing that is acceptable for women to wear), so people of alternate gender identities may still arrive in one of the common fetish outfits described above. I attempted to highlight some of the most common, perhaps cliche, outfits, to give a new person some direction to go in if they choose to put together a fetish outfit, either from their own wardrobe or from a store (particularly if the club they are attending has a dress code) and to give them things to look for in other people's outfits as ideas when they start to build their own kinky wardrobe. This is not intended to be an all-inclusive list of fetish attire, nor a recommendation that newbies go out and build a wardrobe before their first club attendance. Notice the first sentence "depending on whether you become ... may want to look into ... later on")
But if you attend The Woodshed first, you can just go there in regular clothing and look around and just see what's out there. Tell them that you're new and ask for a tour and some guidance. Their staff is more than happy to assist and introduce new people to the club and to other people.
As far as etiquette goes, the rule of thumb is "if you don't know, ask." Ask people if they would mind explaining something to you that you don't understand or would like to learn more about. If someone is wearing a collar, ask them if you are allowed to speak to them or if they have a Dom that you should speak to first. Be clear that you are asking about the appropriate method - do not assume, or imply that you are assuming, that someone with a collar should not be talked to - only some submissives use that particular protocol.
When someone is in a "scene", that is, when someone is actually using some of the furniture in the club, or flogging someone, or tying someone up, or otherwise interacting with someone in any way other than just talking, do not interrupt. If you're not sure if someone is in a scene and you want to talk to that person, ask someone else if it would be appropriate or not.
Many places are a lot more strict than the Woodshed, they have a lot more rules, or they are, what's called, "strict protocol". That's another reason why I recommend the 'Shed first - it's much more relaxed and it's OK if you don't know the rules yet or what things mean.
For your very first visit, I do not recommend actually playing with anyone at all, even your partner. If you have never been to a club or dungeon at all before, make your first visit an observation visit. If the owner or a staff member offers to show you something, you might want to agree to an instruction or tutorial, but I recommend saving the actual playing until after you have had time to process your feelings and reactions to being in a public dungeon, and perhaps even after you have been to a workshop or instructional panel and learned some of the safety issues involved in whatever style of play you are interested in trying.
Playing in public has a very different feel from playing privately, and you may be surprised by your reaction to the idea of playing publicly, so try to spread out the number of emotional surprises and don't do too much in any single visit, especially your first.
Also, you will want to learn more about how to negotiate a scene before you actually try it. Just because someone is a regular dungeon attendee, and even if they have other play partners, that doesn't mean that they have scene-negotiating skills. People can be participants in kink for many years and still never develop good communication or negotiation skills. You don't want to have to process your first exposure to all this kink stuff, PLUS trying to negotiate a scene for your first time, PLUS whatever emotions pop up from playing in public, PLUS whatever emotions pop up from the scene itself, all on the first visit.
Agree to exchange contact information or set up a negotiation date if you happen to meet someone who seems interesting and you want to try playing with them. If they seem pushy about trying to get you to play right then and do not want to set up a future date, it's probably in your best interest not to play with them at all. Someone who is good with first-timers will understand the need to move slowly and take things one step at a time, and they will be willing to play with you at some future event if they are interested in playing/teaching at all.
**ADDED**
More etiquette:
Flirting in a sexually-charged atmosphere is tricky and filled with landmines. Some people think it's entirely appropriate to flirt, hit on, or pick up people they meet in fetish clubs, and some people get really offended, and there is no clear, accepted-by-everyone definition for the words "flirt", "hit on", or "pick up". So, until you have spent some time in your particular local venue and have learned the local customs and etiquette, start here. These guidelines are not intended to be permanent or concrete rules - if your local venue has a different set of etiquette, switch to that. These guidelines are meant as the *safest* approach for when you do not know the local atmosphere:
Do not offer compliments on physical appearance until you have clearly established that the recipient of your compliment appreciates them from *you* (some people only like compliments from people they know). If you simply cannot restrain yourself, limit your compliments to their attire or accessories (in this case, tattoos, piercings, restraints, rope-work, etc. all count as "accessories") - things that the recipient had some control over and made deliberate decisions about. After you have determined that the recipient appreciates compliments on his or her appearance from you, you can discard this guideline *with that person*.
Do not make sexually suggestive comments until you have had some sort of conversation with the person, where they seem interested in you. It is not always easy to tell when someone "seems interested in you", and oftentimes, signals get mis-read. This will happen, and when it does, just apologize and try not to do it again. But even if someone is "making eyes" at you from across the room, talk to that person first and get to know a little about them (at least, in the context of the venue) before suggesting, even in jest, that they accompany you in some sexual or fetish-related activity.
Also, people usually like it when you look them in the face while talking to them. I know there are lots of neat outfits and nudity in fetish clubs, but when actually having a conversation with someone, focus on their face if you're not referring to something specific in the room.
Do not make derisive or negative comments about other guests' appearance or their activities, even if they are not your preferred "type". If you must, save those comments for when you get home. While you're at it, attempt to control your facial expressions so that you do not make obvious expressions of disgust or horror. If you are put off by the people or the activities in the club, leave. But also know that there are other clubs with other atmospheres and what you see in this club is not necessarily indicative of BDSM everywhere. It may not even be indicative of that particular club if you are attending on a theme night or there is a particular guest who is not a regular. There are a LOT of different kinds of people and activities covered under the umbrella of BDSM, and no one will be into every single aspect of that. If you see something that is not for you, don't worry, there will probably be something else that you will like better.
Do not arrive under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Some clubs have a strict policy against that. Other clubs sell or offer alcohol there, so you can "fix" your sobriety after you arrive if you must. It is my personal opinion that all BDSM activities, which have an element of danger or risk, should be performed sober anyway, but if a club offers alcohol while on the premises, I leave the responsibility in their hands.
Do not assume any consent. ALWAYS ask for clear consent, for clarification if you are unsure, and permission (remember, this is for newbies - if you already have a partner for whom the issue of consent has been pre-established, this does not apply to you). This is a big issue with people who tend towards the dominant end of the spectrum. Even if you have established that you will take a dominant position over another guest, it does not hurt your authority to ask "may I?" before beginning. It also does not hurt your authority to check in with your play partner throughout the scene, or the event if you are not scening, to ask how he or she is doing and if they want to continue.
Do not assume you have to give consent. You may reject any offer and any person, for any reason and at any time, even in the middle of a scene. If someone offers to play with you, you are not obligated to accept. If you already have accepted but have changed your mind, you are not obligated to continue.
Here are just a few visual signals you might see and what they often mean:
Collars - This often, but not always, means that a person is "collared", or "belongs" to someone. Someone wearing a collar or a choker is usually a bottom or a submissive, and probably has an "owner" of some sort. If their collar has a ring for a leash on it (or the leash itself) then they are more likely to belong to someone. Although some people just like how the collars look, and a top or a Dom might wear a collar that does not have a ring if they like the look of a collar. If someone is wearing a collar, especially if it has a ring on it, and you want to talk to them, ask them if you are allowed to speak to them directly or if you need to ask someone else permission first.
Boots - A person wearing boots, either male or female, is often (not always) a top or a Dominant. The exception is when the boots are especially constrictive, such as boots that chain together or boots that force the foot into an extremely pointed position like a ballerina on point. I will often wear boots just to keep aggressive Doms away even on nights that I plan to play as a bottom.
Bare Feet - Someone who is barefoot is often (not always) a bottom or a sub. The more vulnerable skin that is exposed (i.e. bottoms of feet, backs of legs, butts, backs), the more likely that person is to be someone who receives floggings, spankings, to be tied up, or is someone's slave or property.
Armbands - this is the most common symbol for a Dungeon Master or Dungeon Moderator and will usually say "staff" or "DM" on it. These are the staff members of the club who are here to answer your questions and make sure that everyone is playing safely and abiding by the rules of the club. Some staff members have staff shirts, but some prefer to dress in their own kinky attire, and will have an armband around their arm, or tucked into their waistband like those strips of fabric used in "flag football". Keep an eye out for these people and go to them if you have any questions. If the club that you attend does not use armbands, ask what identification the staff does wear so you can recognize them easily.
Some definitions of terms used here:
- Top - One who administers some form of stimulation, such as spankings, floggings, or some other kind of stimulation on another person but does not have psychological control or power over that person
- Dominant / Dom / Domme - A person who assumes a role of power or authority in a power exchange relationship. A dominant takes psychological control over or has power over another person, and may, for example, give that person orders which are to be obeyed.
- Bottom - A person who receives spankings, floggings, or other forms of stimulation in situations which specifically exclude power exchange. For example, a masochist may be interested in receiving some kind of stimulation but may not be interested in giving up psychological control; whereas a submissive has given up authority and may receive some kind of stimulation on the instruction of a dominant, a bottom does not give up authority and may control exactly how, under what circumstances, and to what degree he or she receives some form of stimulation.
- Submissive / Sub / Subbie - One who assumes a role of submission in a power exchange relationship. A submissive is a person who seeks a position of or occupies a role of intentional, consensual powerlessness, allowing another person to take control over him or her.
- Flogging - using an implement consisting of a handle with several tails or lashes, usually made of leather but sometimes of other materials as well.
- Spanking - smacking someone with an open hand or a flat, hard object like a paddle.
- Protocol - Any defined, enforced code of behavior by which a submissive is expected to abide. A protocol often imposes constraints and limits on the submissive's behavior, particularly in social settings; for example, a protocol may specify that a submissive is not to speak to another person without the dominant's permission, may not speak unless spoken to, and so on.