I Do Too
There are 3 totally separate events that prompt this journal entry:
1) Minx made a comment in Poly Weekly, episode 264, "Wait, We're Monogamous?" where she addressed some drunk redneck who hit on her. The redneck, upon discovering that Minx had multiple partners, made some comment about how HE ultimately wanted someone to commit to, to count on, to be there for, etc., implying that Minx did not, by virtue of having more than one. Minx responded, "well, I do too." The assumption here is that one cannot, and is not expecting, to have any kind of permanence, future, or intimate relationship if you have more than one romantic partner at a time. Last time I checked, the word was polyAMORY, not polyfuckery, and poly people are generally looking for loving relationships. People who want to have superficial sexual partners on the side are swingers (yes, I know there's a spectrum, that people can do both, bla bla bla, I'm making a point here, move on) and people who just want to "have a good time" are "monogamous" people who aren't ready to "settle down".
2) I have a friend, whom I'll call Cindy, who is one of those tragic isolated polys. By that, I mean that I believe she is naturally polyamorous, but does not have a support network, is not part of any community, has not read any books, listened to any podcasts, or generally has not participated or followed the efforts of other polys. So she's pretty much reinventing the wheel as she goes. She claims to have dated other poly people in the last couple of years, but her description of them doesn't sound like the poly that *I'm* familiar with, and so she makes all the classic newbie mistakes that we've all made, but shouldn't have to at this point in the movement, what with forums and meetups and the like.
Anyway, my point here is that I believe that she is capable & desiring of multiple, simultaneous, intimate, loving relationships AND capable & desiring of her partners having the same. After all, I like to say, the test of really being polyamorous is not how excited you feel at getting all the attention, but how excited you feel at your *partner* getting attention.
So, we were chatting the other day, and she asked me if I ever thought that someday, I might change my mind and decide that I want someone to grow old with, to live with, to support me & to be supportive of, to build a life with. After all, she said, we're still young, so it's all well and good to be living it up now, having fun, but didn't I think I might want something more substantial eventually?
*blink blink*
Uh, I already DO want that, I responded, and that's exactly what I'm building. tacit is a permanent part of my life, and I expect to grow old with him. I don't live with him now, due to circumstance, but he is someone I can count on to support me and I have that level of intimacy with him. I also said that my other two partners, datan0de and zensidhe and their wives, although a much more recent addition to my life, are feeling pretty permanent too. We would all dearly love to live closer together (my preference is for an apartment complex, or a cluster of dwellings within walking distance, cuz I need my space, but a giant communal house that is large enough to give me the space I need would work well, & is certain other people's preference), and are actively looking into the possibility in the future. Coming from someone who, after several years of conversations that led me to my conclusion that she is a natural poly, the assumption that multiple partners necessarily precludes that sort of lifetime partnership & companionship is just mind-boggling.
3) A coworker showed me a picture of the engagement ring she just put a deposit on for her girlfriend and talked on and on about how she couldn't wait to propose, because she was confident of the answer, and to begin their life together as a "married" couple. So, since we were talking lifemates & wedding dresses, I shared with her a little story of my own.
Just this past weekend, there were at least two independent conversations amongst the FLAN (the Florida Local Area Network branch of the Squiggle - my romantic network) wherein it was decided that pretty much all of us view this group as permanent or at least very long-term. We are beginning to make assumptions about long-term plans, as if it is expected that we will still be together next year, or in a few years, when that event is scheduled to happen.
My coworker's response was: "Ya know, I know that people think the whole lesbian thing is kinda different, but Joreth, you're REALLY different!" She went on to say "I think we ALL have dated or fucked more than one person at a time before, but those aren't serious relationships. But you're livin' it, man! I don't know how you do it. I'm just shocked at the idea that your multiple thing is permanent!"
I give these three examples, but they are certainly not the only anecdotes. It seems to be a pretty unanimous assumption that we can't build a LIFE together with more than one partner. Hearing that I have friends who live in a 6-adult poly household for more than two decades & have raised children & grandchildren just floors people - it's so contrary that most people just ignore that little factoid and erase it from their data pile.
"I'm looking for someone to build a life with; someone I can come home to and share my day with; someone I can count on; someone to raise a family with; someone to share the bills with; someone who will understand me intimately and I will understand them; someone to share in all the joys and sorrows of life; someone to grow old with; someone to BE with."
Yeah, buddy, me too. Only I'll have several somebodies to build that life with, to come home to, to share my day with, to count on, to share the bills with, who understand me, to grow old with. I'm not just fucking around, passing the time until someone better comes along. Someones better HAVE come along. I'm not just "sowing my wild oats" or refusing to be "tamed". I've found people committed to enjoying my "wildness" just as it is. Freedom, independence, intimacy, companionship, these are not mutually exclusive goals. A good, solid, fulfilling relationship actually encompasses and provides several or all of these traits. And I happen to have several of just these sorts of relationships. How lucky am I? Oh, that's right, I'm not lucky at all - I worked damn hard to be the kind of person I am and to find the kind of people I have in my life and to structure my life to accomodate all of these variables.
Where everyone else is wandering the planet, randomly hoping to bump into The One who will be the exact perfect blend of every single trait expected who has been fated for them, I have been doing the work on myself to be the kind of partner to provide a stable ground for an intimate relationship, and doing the work to find people who can provide that same stability on their end. My life is what I have made of it, and the end result is that I have not one partner I can depend on and build a life with, but several (and my metamours are also my partners, in this sense of building a life together, if not necessarily in the romantic or sexual sense).
Frankly, I think I got the better deal.
1) Minx made a comment in Poly Weekly, episode 264, "Wait, We're Monogamous?" where she addressed some drunk redneck who hit on her. The redneck, upon discovering that Minx had multiple partners, made some comment about how HE ultimately wanted someone to commit to, to count on, to be there for, etc., implying that Minx did not, by virtue of having more than one. Minx responded, "well, I do too." The assumption here is that one cannot, and is not expecting, to have any kind of permanence, future, or intimate relationship if you have more than one romantic partner at a time. Last time I checked, the word was polyAMORY, not polyfuckery, and poly people are generally looking for loving relationships. People who want to have superficial sexual partners on the side are swingers (yes, I know there's a spectrum, that people can do both, bla bla bla, I'm making a point here, move on) and people who just want to "have a good time" are "monogamous" people who aren't ready to "settle down".
2) I have a friend, whom I'll call Cindy, who is one of those tragic isolated polys. By that, I mean that I believe she is naturally polyamorous, but does not have a support network, is not part of any community, has not read any books, listened to any podcasts, or generally has not participated or followed the efforts of other polys. So she's pretty much reinventing the wheel as she goes. She claims to have dated other poly people in the last couple of years, but her description of them doesn't sound like the poly that *I'm* familiar with, and so she makes all the classic newbie mistakes that we've all made, but shouldn't have to at this point in the movement, what with forums and meetups and the like.
Anyway, my point here is that I believe that she is capable & desiring of multiple, simultaneous, intimate, loving relationships AND capable & desiring of her partners having the same. After all, I like to say, the test of really being polyamorous is not how excited you feel at getting all the attention, but how excited you feel at your *partner* getting attention.
So, we were chatting the other day, and she asked me if I ever thought that someday, I might change my mind and decide that I want someone to grow old with, to live with, to support me & to be supportive of, to build a life with. After all, she said, we're still young, so it's all well and good to be living it up now, having fun, but didn't I think I might want something more substantial eventually?
*blink blink*
Uh, I already DO want that, I responded, and that's exactly what I'm building. tacit is a permanent part of my life, and I expect to grow old with him. I don't live with him now, due to circumstance, but he is someone I can count on to support me and I have that level of intimacy with him. I also said that my other two partners, datan0de and zensidhe and their wives, although a much more recent addition to my life, are feeling pretty permanent too. We would all dearly love to live closer together (my preference is for an apartment complex, or a cluster of dwellings within walking distance, cuz I need my space, but a giant communal house that is large enough to give me the space I need would work well, & is certain other people's preference), and are actively looking into the possibility in the future. Coming from someone who, after several years of conversations that led me to my conclusion that she is a natural poly, the assumption that multiple partners necessarily precludes that sort of lifetime partnership & companionship is just mind-boggling.
3) A coworker showed me a picture of the engagement ring she just put a deposit on for her girlfriend and talked on and on about how she couldn't wait to propose, because she was confident of the answer, and to begin their life together as a "married" couple. So, since we were talking lifemates & wedding dresses, I shared with her a little story of my own.
Just this past weekend, there were at least two independent conversations amongst the FLAN (the Florida Local Area Network branch of the Squiggle - my romantic network) wherein it was decided that pretty much all of us view this group as permanent or at least very long-term. We are beginning to make assumptions about long-term plans, as if it is expected that we will still be together next year, or in a few years, when that event is scheduled to happen.
My coworker's response was: "Ya know, I know that people think the whole lesbian thing is kinda different, but Joreth, you're REALLY different!" She went on to say "I think we ALL have dated or fucked more than one person at a time before, but those aren't serious relationships. But you're livin' it, man! I don't know how you do it. I'm just shocked at the idea that your multiple thing is permanent!"
I give these three examples, but they are certainly not the only anecdotes. It seems to be a pretty unanimous assumption that we can't build a LIFE together with more than one partner. Hearing that I have friends who live in a 6-adult poly household for more than two decades & have raised children & grandchildren just floors people - it's so contrary that most people just ignore that little factoid and erase it from their data pile.
"I'm looking for someone to build a life with; someone I can come home to and share my day with; someone I can count on; someone to raise a family with; someone to share the bills with; someone who will understand me intimately and I will understand them; someone to share in all the joys and sorrows of life; someone to grow old with; someone to BE with."
Yeah, buddy, me too. Only I'll have several somebodies to build that life with, to come home to, to share my day with, to count on, to share the bills with, who understand me, to grow old with. I'm not just fucking around, passing the time until someone better comes along. Someones better HAVE come along. I'm not just "sowing my wild oats" or refusing to be "tamed". I've found people committed to enjoying my "wildness" just as it is. Freedom, independence, intimacy, companionship, these are not mutually exclusive goals. A good, solid, fulfilling relationship actually encompasses and provides several or all of these traits. And I happen to have several of just these sorts of relationships. How lucky am I? Oh, that's right, I'm not lucky at all - I worked damn hard to be the kind of person I am and to find the kind of people I have in my life and to structure my life to accomodate all of these variables.
Where everyone else is wandering the planet, randomly hoping to bump into The One who will be the exact perfect blend of every single trait expected who has been fated for them, I have been doing the work on myself to be the kind of partner to provide a stable ground for an intimate relationship, and doing the work to find people who can provide that same stability on their end. My life is what I have made of it, and the end result is that I have not one partner I can depend on and build a life with, but several (and my metamours are also my partners, in this sense of building a life together, if not necessarily in the romantic or sexual sense).
Frankly, I think I got the better deal.