(no subject)
So here i am...ready to vent...i turn to the only outlet somewhat personal...my live journal...i can say how i feel...when i feel it...and i wont be judged...or interrupted....or bothered by it....my space...i write...but not everything...i cant...its to open to some people...actually only one person...that i dont feel needs to see what i have to say right now...which is probably wrong of me...but i cant help but fear the way he might react if he sees what i say...so i come here...
I cant even count how many times things have gotten so good to the point where i actually felt like things were gunna be ok with he and i...where the arguing and petty bullshit that seemed to start the arguing and the jealousy would disappear..where i felt compfortable telling him where i was and not having to deal with him giving me the third degree to the point where i felt third degree burns burning into the hand that held the phone..and it wasnt fake...it was real...i dont care what people say...you know when you know...theres some thing there...we wanted it...so we actually tried...and it worked for awhile...but then it somehow started up again...
Sometimes i feel lost...like stitch...out of my environment...out of how things used to be...i was with my friends all the time...having a good time...of course there was stupid ass drama along the way and not everything was perfect...theres always drama...but we were having fun..and living life...boys were of course one of our priorities...however they werent the center of our world...i love chris...and i wanna be with chris...and i dont mind making a few minor changes for him...obviously that happens when you start dating someone..you make time for everyone...you make some changes...and sometimes its hard because not everyone can understand...and sometimes i feel trapped...but at the same time you still need your space...you still need to be with your friends...im not a slut...i dont fuck or hook up with just anything that walks...i dont take some random dude whenever the opportunity strikes...i dont fuck around on people and i never once really did anything to do him wrong...i admit...im not perfect...i act like an idiot at times...and i have no problem admitting that...but what i constantly seem to be getting accused of...is absolutley absurd..what he thinks i say or think or do when hes not around..is ridiculous...and he constantly says "reassure me...and i wont act like this.." but when i try to reassure him it doesnt change anything...he just keeps chewing me out for something he seems to find a problem with and doesnt even try to work shit out or get over it..
The other night i admit...yes i flipped out on him..i really didnt have too big of a reason too...but at the same time i did...considering the fact that chris used to do coke and travis is always doing cocaine...and always has it on him...and was at retts house with all the guys...now this kid does cocaine as much as he breaths the fucking air...its crazy...so it kinda makes me nervous when he pops up out of nowhere after not seeing the guys for like 5 months and just wants to hang out..cause i know hes got some..and i know hes looking for little followers to do it with him cause hes a sad ass person...now heres where i felt the need to flip...a week or two i think before the other night...rett was having another little kick back at his house..travis was there...and i asked chris calmly..if it was there...he said no he swore there was nothing...and i believed him no problem...hes been clean for 7 months now so i was proud and beginning to trust him again...so i go to retts...and everyone except he and i and like 2 other guys disappeared for like 15 minutes...upstairs...the toilet downstairs is a slow flow toilet or whatever i dont know i guess you can only use it every hour or half hour or something weird...and someone had just used it...so chris is like come with me to the bathroom...so i do...and as we start to go use the ones upstairs that actually work..he goes wait nvm this one might be working...and i was like what? its all fucked up right now...but he goes in it anyways...and im like "theres coke up there isnt there?" and hes like "babe seriously i didnt know he had it or that it was gunna be here.." i was like "well you just told me there wasnt and you knew there was why did you lie to me?" and hes like "babe i didnt mean to or want too...i just didnt want you to argue with me about it on the phone...i wanted to wait til you got here.." and i was like" dude ive been here for awhile now and you havent said shit...so wtf..." and hes like "i was gunna tell you..i didnt wanna cause a scene.." and i was like "there would be no scene caused if you were just honest with me every now and then.." so he lied...and it made me a bit skeptic to believe what he had to say about this other night..
Now tonight everything was ok...he was feeling kinda shitty cause he missed work and cause of some personal matter at home..so he was grumpy...and thats fine i understand...but it was like turning into anger towards me...i went with my best friend to the airport to pick up another friend and the friend was a guy...whoa geeze i have guy FRIENDS yes i do...just friends...its possible...just like its possible for a dude to have chick friends...but then again sometimes thats not possible...lol...no jk i dont know...but yes i have JUST guy friends...but no somehow its something else...somehow me not hearing my phone go off in a crowded loud ass ghetto airport with barely any service means i didnt answer my phone because i didnt want this guy to know i had a boyfriend or that i was talking to my boyfriend..its like omggggggggggggggggg are you kidding me?????????????????? and i notice i never used to flip out the way that i do now that im with him..the shit i get mad about now never used to bother me because its petty and not worth it...him tripping on EVERYTHING makes me trip on EVERYTHING...makes me suspicious...and quite often do i hear the phrase "the one who is usually accusing you of an infedelity is most often the one who will beat you to the punch...and meanwhile make the relationship miserable on the way there..." its crazy how that works...
Now..hes not a bad guy at all...he has some baby issues and insecurities that he can rid of and work out easily...he just has to want to..and try..and it doesnt seem like hes up for that right now..and when we dont argue...everything is perfect and hes the guy i want to be with...but when we do argue..of course i still love him but it also reminds me that i dont want to live my life arguing with my husband all the time...i cant do that...its not me...obviously little arguments will sprout occasionally with any couple...its completely impossible to not argue at all...but the consistant fighting weve been doing and the way its been going with us is fucking ridiculous and it doesnt have to be that way...
Now we argued tonight..at his house...came to my house..he refused to get out of my car...so i went inside to put the clothes in the dryer...he comes in all pissed because i came inside..after i stood outside for like 15 minutes begging him to go with me...all he does is grab his clothes and walks out the door...i let him go...i wasnt in the mood...so like 10 minutes later i feel bad of course cause he lives far...well far to walk...from me...so i get into my car and go find him...literally drive across the island to the other side of the road to pick him up...keep in mind im also driving against traffic...luckily there were no cars...or cops...and hes running down the road...i call him over..he gets in..questions me is to why i want him to get in...but then gets in...and im just like well shit if he didnt wanna get it he wouldnt have so he obviosuly wanted this to happen..and we go back to my house...arguing...sat outside and argued...he said to just take him home..so i did...he bitches at me all the way there...tells me i make him sick and then says hes going to san diego to be with his brother instead of me on new years...of course that pissed me off because we were supposed to spend new years together hes been pushing that for months now....and his brothers girlfriends sister is always with her..and chris made out with her a few times when they were like 18...so it seems like hes gunna go there to piss me off and try to make me jealous...or if hes really mad at me he might actually do something...who knows...it just drives me crazy that hes doing this to me...i cant stand it....and i love him more than anything but if hes really gunna take off to san diego...not only will he fuck up shit with us and our relationship...pretty much by ending it...but he will also lose his job...for not calling or showing up for 3 days if he doesnt go tomorrow...his parents want him to move out...he owes money to his credit card and some other asshole payment...and he apparently has a warrant for not doing his community service...and it hurts me to say these negative things about him..because i know hes smart as hell...and he has the determination and the potential to succeed and get shit done...he just doesnt have the will power...and i wanna help him..i love him so much...but it seems like he really doesnt give a shit about me anymore right now...
He hasnt called me...and im not gunna call him..he told me to take him home...but when i did he twisted it around and said fine since your taking me home were done...im like wtf dude you kept yelling at me to take you so i did...ugh...so whatever i told him to get out and i took off...
I just hope hes safe and careful with whatever he does wherever he goes...i hope he thinks about it and realizes the right things he should be doing...and if he really loves me he wont go tomorrow...if he does..who the fuck knows whats going on with us anymore...he already ran off to vegas once...he felt horrible and let me know how much he had regretted it...and promised to never do it again...i threatened ide leave him if he did...and he said he wouldnt..so if he does...hes gunna have a huge ass shock of news when he gets back only to realize hes completely disconnected from my life...it hurts...but you can only play games for so long..
My kitten ate a hampster i think...theres chunky fur all over the cage...i just dont know how he got in or how the hampster got out...gross...
Im off to finish my laundry and then im going to bed...i have work tomorrow at 9 am and i cant be late again..
Im out for now..later..
I cant even count how many times things have gotten so good to the point where i actually felt like things were gunna be ok with he and i...where the arguing and petty bullshit that seemed to start the arguing and the jealousy would disappear..where i felt compfortable telling him where i was and not having to deal with him giving me the third degree to the point where i felt third degree burns burning into the hand that held the phone..and it wasnt fake...it was real...i dont care what people say...you know when you know...theres some thing there...we wanted it...so we actually tried...and it worked for awhile...but then it somehow started up again...
Sometimes i feel lost...like stitch...out of my environment...out of how things used to be...i was with my friends all the time...having a good time...of course there was stupid ass drama along the way and not everything was perfect...theres always drama...but we were having fun..and living life...boys were of course one of our priorities...however they werent the center of our world...i love chris...and i wanna be with chris...and i dont mind making a few minor changes for him...obviously that happens when you start dating someone..you make time for everyone...you make some changes...and sometimes its hard because not everyone can understand...and sometimes i feel trapped...but at the same time you still need your space...you still need to be with your friends...im not a slut...i dont fuck or hook up with just anything that walks...i dont take some random dude whenever the opportunity strikes...i dont fuck around on people and i never once really did anything to do him wrong...i admit...im not perfect...i act like an idiot at times...and i have no problem admitting that...but what i constantly seem to be getting accused of...is absolutley absurd..what he thinks i say or think or do when hes not around..is ridiculous...and he constantly says "reassure me...and i wont act like this.." but when i try to reassure him it doesnt change anything...he just keeps chewing me out for something he seems to find a problem with and doesnt even try to work shit out or get over it..
The other night i admit...yes i flipped out on him..i really didnt have too big of a reason too...but at the same time i did...considering the fact that chris used to do coke and travis is always doing cocaine...and always has it on him...and was at retts house with all the guys...now this kid does cocaine as much as he breaths the fucking air...its crazy...so it kinda makes me nervous when he pops up out of nowhere after not seeing the guys for like 5 months and just wants to hang out..cause i know hes got some..and i know hes looking for little followers to do it with him cause hes a sad ass person...now heres where i felt the need to flip...a week or two i think before the other night...rett was having another little kick back at his house..travis was there...and i asked chris calmly..if it was there...he said no he swore there was nothing...and i believed him no problem...hes been clean for 7 months now so i was proud and beginning to trust him again...so i go to retts...and everyone except he and i and like 2 other guys disappeared for like 15 minutes...upstairs...the toilet downstairs is a slow flow toilet or whatever i dont know i guess you can only use it every hour or half hour or something weird...and someone had just used it...so chris is like come with me to the bathroom...so i do...and as we start to go use the ones upstairs that actually work..he goes wait nvm this one might be working...and i was like what? its all fucked up right now...but he goes in it anyways...and im like "theres coke up there isnt there?" and hes like "babe seriously i didnt know he had it or that it was gunna be here.." i was like "well you just told me there wasnt and you knew there was why did you lie to me?" and hes like "babe i didnt mean to or want too...i just didnt want you to argue with me about it on the phone...i wanted to wait til you got here.." and i was like" dude ive been here for awhile now and you havent said shit...so wtf..." and hes like "i was gunna tell you..i didnt wanna cause a scene.." and i was like "there would be no scene caused if you were just honest with me every now and then.." so he lied...and it made me a bit skeptic to believe what he had to say about this other night..
Now tonight everything was ok...he was feeling kinda shitty cause he missed work and cause of some personal matter at home..so he was grumpy...and thats fine i understand...but it was like turning into anger towards me...i went with my best friend to the airport to pick up another friend and the friend was a guy...whoa geeze i have guy FRIENDS yes i do...just friends...its possible...just like its possible for a dude to have chick friends...but then again sometimes thats not possible...lol...no jk i dont know...but yes i have JUST guy friends...but no somehow its something else...somehow me not hearing my phone go off in a crowded loud ass ghetto airport with barely any service means i didnt answer my phone because i didnt want this guy to know i had a boyfriend or that i was talking to my boyfriend..its like omggggggggggggggggg are you kidding me?????????????????? and i notice i never used to flip out the way that i do now that im with him..the shit i get mad about now never used to bother me because its petty and not worth it...him tripping on EVERYTHING makes me trip on EVERYTHING...makes me suspicious...and quite often do i hear the phrase "the one who is usually accusing you of an infedelity is most often the one who will beat you to the punch...and meanwhile make the relationship miserable on the way there..." its crazy how that works...
Now..hes not a bad guy at all...he has some baby issues and insecurities that he can rid of and work out easily...he just has to want to..and try..and it doesnt seem like hes up for that right now..and when we dont argue...everything is perfect and hes the guy i want to be with...but when we do argue..of course i still love him but it also reminds me that i dont want to live my life arguing with my husband all the time...i cant do that...its not me...obviously little arguments will sprout occasionally with any couple...its completely impossible to not argue at all...but the consistant fighting weve been doing and the way its been going with us is fucking ridiculous and it doesnt have to be that way...
Now we argued tonight..at his house...came to my house..he refused to get out of my car...so i went inside to put the clothes in the dryer...he comes in all pissed because i came inside..after i stood outside for like 15 minutes begging him to go with me...all he does is grab his clothes and walks out the door...i let him go...i wasnt in the mood...so like 10 minutes later i feel bad of course cause he lives far...well far to walk...from me...so i get into my car and go find him...literally drive across the island to the other side of the road to pick him up...keep in mind im also driving against traffic...luckily there were no cars...or cops...and hes running down the road...i call him over..he gets in..questions me is to why i want him to get in...but then gets in...and im just like well shit if he didnt wanna get it he wouldnt have so he obviosuly wanted this to happen..and we go back to my house...arguing...sat outside and argued...he said to just take him home..so i did...he bitches at me all the way there...tells me i make him sick and then says hes going to san diego to be with his brother instead of me on new years...of course that pissed me off because we were supposed to spend new years together hes been pushing that for months now....and his brothers girlfriends sister is always with her..and chris made out with her a few times when they were like 18...so it seems like hes gunna go there to piss me off and try to make me jealous...or if hes really mad at me he might actually do something...who knows...it just drives me crazy that hes doing this to me...i cant stand it....and i love him more than anything but if hes really gunna take off to san diego...not only will he fuck up shit with us and our relationship...pretty much by ending it...but he will also lose his job...for not calling or showing up for 3 days if he doesnt go tomorrow...his parents want him to move out...he owes money to his credit card and some other asshole payment...and he apparently has a warrant for not doing his community service...and it hurts me to say these negative things about him..because i know hes smart as hell...and he has the determination and the potential to succeed and get shit done...he just doesnt have the will power...and i wanna help him..i love him so much...but it seems like he really doesnt give a shit about me anymore right now...
He hasnt called me...and im not gunna call him..he told me to take him home...but when i did he twisted it around and said fine since your taking me home were done...im like wtf dude you kept yelling at me to take you so i did...ugh...so whatever i told him to get out and i took off...
I just hope hes safe and careful with whatever he does wherever he goes...i hope he thinks about it and realizes the right things he should be doing...and if he really loves me he wont go tomorrow...if he does..who the fuck knows whats going on with us anymore...he already ran off to vegas once...he felt horrible and let me know how much he had regretted it...and promised to never do it again...i threatened ide leave him if he did...and he said he wouldnt..so if he does...hes gunna have a huge ass shock of news when he gets back only to realize hes completely disconnected from my life...it hurts...but you can only play games for so long..
My kitten ate a hampster i think...theres chunky fur all over the cage...i just dont know how he got in or how the hampster got out...gross...
Im off to finish my laundry and then im going to bed...i have work tomorrow at 9 am and i cant be late again..
Im out for now..later..