Where are you?

[jordanblake]

I miss my Jordan. I wish you were here to hang out. I think you would really enjoy the boredom. June and I slept together last night for about an hour or so. It was super cute. I have read and read and wrote and wrote and talked to Gigeth and done College stuff and been super productive, and now all of the sudden I have no energy to do a thing. I don't even feel like taking a shower because that requires to much energy. I still have a play to write today and I don't think I will get it done because I am so very lazy today. I have a dentist appointment at two and I don't feel like going. I have a date tonight with my mom, but I have to get my work done first, I am telling you, I won't. I can't take the idea of typing up another scene in this play. The Chararcters have lost their allure and I am getting worn out. I don't have school today, obviously, and I am assuming you don't have it either. My school lost a roof, so we may not have it tomorrow either, but I am pretty positive we will. They can't let us miss more school, because we CAN'T make anymore up. We won't have any holiday at all. That is so frustrating! I don't want to make up more days. The more we make up, the less holiday time I have with you and Alan. I am not going to see you ever agian. I have these domb weekends here, and you have no time either. I knew that this year would be tough, but I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for the Lord to break me of my dependence on EVERYONE. I never see my parents, EVER. I never see my school friends, and when I do it is becuase they HAVE to talk so we have made sacrificces in our schedules to get together. I never see you EVER EVER EVER, and I had gotten so used to that Christian fellowship and joy and laughter and conversation. I never see Gigeth and Brea and they are my Christian friends here in Lakeland that keep me encouraged and willing to keep on. I guess I am learning that the Lord is sufficient, though it sure hurts. I can't help but thinking that if I hadn't allowed myself to open up so much to you, this wouldn't hurt so badly. I can't help but wonder if I would be as broken if we hadn't gotten so close. I can't help but wishing I could go back to the beach house with you and just lie on that bed for a few hours a week. Then I remember that the more I long for you and the past, the less I focus on Christ. I miss that whole town. I need to talk to Mrs. Bachman, I need her wisdom. I want to give your dad a big hug. I want to see the Jones and talk to them and ask their advice again. I wish that I could divide myself in two and be in two places at once. I have a girl at my house who hates her parents and wants to move in over here. There is so much hurt in the world I can't help but desire heaven. I think that the more I see the more I wish I didn't. I love the Lord and His soverignty. It is the thing that gets me through the day. If it weren't for that assurity, I would be in Orlando right now. I need our Father, I die without our Savior, I survive by the Spirit. You need to come and see me sometime. I am losing control, a very good/hard thing. I am so busy I don't think clearly anymore. I get so caught up in the work I have to do and in the witnessing I am called to, that I forget to keep in touch with my dearest friends. I am an ungrateful friend to you. I am no good. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I know that you are probly mad at me for writing all this in here and not in the other journal, but you don't realize how much I needed to just let you know. I need you to know that I realize I have taken you for granted and I am sorry. You need to know that I recognize how unworthy a friend I am. I am sorry that I have no idea what is going on other than that Whitney is there and you had an excellent day. I know nothing about why or when or how or anything... I keep praying for guidance, but I think I ignore it when He shows it to me. I have had so much opportunity for GREAT pray time that has turned into mediocracy. O, how I wish I were wise and a good child of the King. We are princesses my friend. Don't forget that you are as beautiful and unique as an orchid. You are so exquisite. There is not one ugly bone about you and now that you are a Christian, you are a new creation. You are BEAUTIFUL!
I love you my gorgeous brown eyed girl!
"Oh baby why do I miss you like I do
Oh I miss my sweet
And the birds all singing blue
And white
And white
Call me on your way back home dear
Cause I miss you
Honey I ain't nothing new
Oh baby why did I treat you like I did
Honey I was just a kid
Bubblegum on my shoe
But you love me and I love you
Call me on your way back home dear
Cause I miss you
And I just wanna die without you
Oh I just wanna die without you
Yeah I just wanna die without you
Without you Honey I ain't nothing new"
-- Ryan Adams
anyway... goodbye sweet!

Dellynne