Making an effort...
I am not in any way a perfect mom. I am however, an always trying mom. - Facebook Meme
My last post was inspired by the Gaslighter giving me a few pointers in a few fights.
My mother says to this "OMGawd, He has so much control over you" I replied to the former gaslighter of my life... "Do you remember when I wanted to run off to Nevada and live with two boys? And you said if I wanted to do that, then you wouldn't help in anyway and I'd have to go on my own? Well, if you hadn't have done that, I wouldn't have taken a second look at the situation and realize it was a bad one. So, when Jay went off on my bad habits list., I took a second look. And he was right in a lot of ways. It's kind of the same thing. So, do I not play games on my phone because he told me I can't, or do I no longer do it because he was right about a few things that I needed to take a look at?"
Jay and I had quite a few "arguments" lately. When both of us hit our depression lows at the same time, it leads to hard truths. Sometimes, it's just that the truth can hurt sometimes. The f'd up part of the relationship though is him not hearing HIS flaws. But it does not take away what he said to me about my hard truths.
I cannot complain about not enough time if I spend so much time on my game. My game had consumed me a few weekends ago and as my addiction can sometimes play a role, I got a game that asked for money to enhance game play, and I ended up negative in my account. I confessed and deleted the game. So, as I'm still playing my game as my Bible study books collect dust and I'm complaining how I don't do enough for my kids, I knew I needed to start putting the game down. I used my game to disconnect. The problem was disconnecting from too much. This combined with a chip in my tooth, and an old fight we had about wasting money on internet product. Is it control or is it a mirror I needed to have put in front of me., again?
So, game free, I am more productive at work and not slothy like I had felt. I'm not working weekends because of being too tired to get it all don't in a 40-hour work week. I began using my "faceboook purchase" hair product, and I seem to actually (week 6) growing in some actual hair. I'm brushing my teeth much more often and my gums are getting stronger. AND THEN this week I finally tackled my kids. I found a therapist for Bailey IN his hometown! That's going to make it easy, and we are so lucky she is open. I also got moving on Brandons 'school to work' program. There are quite a few more steps to take but I sent in the application, and he was approved. A foot in the door is much better then quitting.
I feel guilty quite a bit that I didn't do enough for Merritt and Cayan after the pandemic. After it ruined their last year of high school, I didn't know how to parent anymore. With Brandon and Bailey still in school, I was able to un-pause their experience and it was easier to do that then help the boys on the next points of their journey. So just as Christine took in Ben when Brandon was diagnosed, Shawn took in Cayan when I first broke. Paul had Merritt and it seemed to be "enough". Grandma took a second guardianship of Brandon so that when I left, I had just Bailey., who still had a lot of growing to do. I moved into a 'family' home and as a village, we are raising him to be a man! Something I really wanted for him. Not something Ben or Brandon would have benefitted from. And Cayan needed a different example of a man, and he got the best for him.
I am giving myself kudos for the parts I'm doing right. My bible books still collect dust, but I do know that it's my next step. The hardest thing to do is doing it for or by myself. Look at dieting. It's hard to keep up salad and fruit in household of butter and salt. It takes self-discipline. And God expects it. Devout self-discipline. It takes self-control. It takes meditation, and time. I have stopped playing my game some. And I fit in very important things. I even put in some effort in myself. So now I have to work harder to find the "spoons" to devout myself in what "the Well" expected me to continue.