I'm so bored I'm drinking bleach
wow, I really haven't updated this year, crazy. lately in life, all thats been going on in my life is alot of insecurity and drama that I've brought upon myself. I feel like nothing I do is worth anything cause its either already been done before or it just doesn't work out the way I wanted it to. you could point to any facet of my life and see how its started to fall apart, an its pissing me off. I can't follow through on any of my ideas. I'm so fucking dissatisfied. I need a change and fast, because christ this is the worst kind of mentally confining depression I've been in for a long time. I can't even think something without myself degrading it and destroying it. At this moment, I honestly think I have no future, I'm just a scrap of wasted life trying to make it through the day. I can saunter and laugh and act like everything is fine all day at school, but the second I get home I have to deal with myself, and my disgust that I don't even have the balls to admit infront of people that I'm bothered with stuff. I can fight emotions and people all day long, but eventually it comes back to me and I have to fight an even harder battle with myself. One of my goals is to have a girlfriend, well I don't see how I'd be able to take care of another person if I can even take care of myself. AHHH I need to just fucking deal with my shit. I don't even know how though. There's so many things I wanna do but can't or won't or I just shoot the idea down before I put effort into it. I wanna start a band, and I wanna get a better haircut, an I wanna make a movie, and about a million other things. I don't think any of that'll work out though. you know what, fuck it, I'm tired of attempting to reserve my judgements and think things out because I don't even feel like I'm alive anymore. From now on I'm gonna give everything 110%, at least until I burn myself out, but at least I'll do it in a spectacular way.