In between a rock and an awesome place
It's funny. In some ways this seems like the worst time of my life, and in some ways it seems like the best time of my life. I'm in between a rock and an awesome place.
I guess, according to that previous statement, I should start out with the bad news. As you probably all know, a few weeks ago I started having severe mood and anxiety issues related to school and my future. Though the severity of these issues has largely abated, I still have lingering emotional troubles fairly often. I think about the future--in graduate school or having a job--and think about how much work I have to do, then I start to feel anxious. Then I begin to question whether I'm really doing what I want to do, or if I'm just struggling in something I don't really care about.
What makes these feelings particularly bizarre and difficult to deal with is that there are times when I feel 100% confident in my future, the work I'm doing, my competence, and my happiness with my future career. Then there are other times when that confidence is completely gone and replaced with a sense of self-doubt, and I feel that work is too much, I'm not enjoying what I'm doing, I won't be good at my future career and I won't like doing it. It is a very strange situation.
On top of it, we're keeping time diaries at school so that our advisors can give us advice regarding how we're budgeting our time. At first I didn't think the time diaries were going to be a big deal, but the more I do it, the more I resent them. We have to keep track of how much time we spend doing various activities (e.g., research work, class work, TA work, personal time, and sleep) then report them to our advisors. The more I look at it, the more it looks like I'm really not doing all that much work. But I don't feel that that's true. I mean, it looks like I'm doing 50-60 hours of work a week, but that just doesn't seem right. It doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm doing 60-80 hours of work a week. Blast! In sum, I'm disliking the time diaries.
OK, that's enough of the bad news. It's a rehash of previous issues and I don't want to dwell on it. On to the good news...
Things with Amy have been absolutely great since we've been engaged. Not that we didn't do so before, but it seems like we're really counting on one another for support in these trying times in our lives. We've drawn closer and it seems like we need one another more, and as a consequence, we're really valuing our time together. I can say without a doubt that I've never had someone support me like Amy has in the last few weeks. It's been outstanding to have her with me, not only to help me when I need help, but also to reciprocate that help. Really, at this point in my life, I don't know what I'd do without her. Period.
Idea generation for the wedding is going along well. Amy and I have been discussing the general format of the wedding, what we'd like to do, when we'd like to have it, where we'd like to have it. The wedding is a long way off, but it's good to start brainstorming that kind of thing. I'm sure it will be really helpful to have spaced out this process so we don't incur too much additional stress. God knows we've had enough of it lately. We've been reading a few books on the matter and trying to cut back on our spending in preparation for the wedding. With regard to the books, I've been reading a book for engaged grooms which is a really practical guide for how men can get involved in planning and implementing a wedding. It's quite well written, and I recommend it for any other engaged men out there.
In closing, I'm really waiting for the weekend. Amy's parents are going to be in town and we're going to spend some time with them. That will be really nice. We haven't seen them since the engagement so I'm sure everyone will be in quite high spirits. I'm also going to call my dad this weekend. I'm starting to get closer to my family--one, because I need it now more than ever, and two, because they are good people, and it's time for me to start engaging my family like I never did in the past. Two weeks ago I had a great conversation with him on the phone, and I hope for a repeat this weekend. I'm growing up, folks--stress about work, reconnecting with my parents, the whole deal.
And while I'm on the subject of weekends, I feel I should mention something. Never until these last couple of weeks have I really been someone who needed the weekend. Last year, for instance, the weekends were just a time for me to catch up on work, and I treated them almost exactly like weekdays. However, now that I've been under this stress and whatnot, I've really come to need my weekends. I think if I treated every day was like my weekdays, I'd totally lose it and pull my hair out or something. So here's to the weekend--the adult's time to actually relax a bit.
I hope all is well with everyone. I'd like to catch up soon over AIM with folks I haven't spoken to recently, but my computer has been under repair for the last two weeks (and it'll be done in about a week). It's been very frustrating, as I'm sure you'd understand.
Love,
Jordan
I guess, according to that previous statement, I should start out with the bad news. As you probably all know, a few weeks ago I started having severe mood and anxiety issues related to school and my future. Though the severity of these issues has largely abated, I still have lingering emotional troubles fairly often. I think about the future--in graduate school or having a job--and think about how much work I have to do, then I start to feel anxious. Then I begin to question whether I'm really doing what I want to do, or if I'm just struggling in something I don't really care about.
What makes these feelings particularly bizarre and difficult to deal with is that there are times when I feel 100% confident in my future, the work I'm doing, my competence, and my happiness with my future career. Then there are other times when that confidence is completely gone and replaced with a sense of self-doubt, and I feel that work is too much, I'm not enjoying what I'm doing, I won't be good at my future career and I won't like doing it. It is a very strange situation.
On top of it, we're keeping time diaries at school so that our advisors can give us advice regarding how we're budgeting our time. At first I didn't think the time diaries were going to be a big deal, but the more I do it, the more I resent them. We have to keep track of how much time we spend doing various activities (e.g., research work, class work, TA work, personal time, and sleep) then report them to our advisors. The more I look at it, the more it looks like I'm really not doing all that much work. But I don't feel that that's true. I mean, it looks like I'm doing 50-60 hours of work a week, but that just doesn't seem right. It doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm doing 60-80 hours of work a week. Blast! In sum, I'm disliking the time diaries.
OK, that's enough of the bad news. It's a rehash of previous issues and I don't want to dwell on it. On to the good news...
Things with Amy have been absolutely great since we've been engaged. Not that we didn't do so before, but it seems like we're really counting on one another for support in these trying times in our lives. We've drawn closer and it seems like we need one another more, and as a consequence, we're really valuing our time together. I can say without a doubt that I've never had someone support me like Amy has in the last few weeks. It's been outstanding to have her with me, not only to help me when I need help, but also to reciprocate that help. Really, at this point in my life, I don't know what I'd do without her. Period.
Idea generation for the wedding is going along well. Amy and I have been discussing the general format of the wedding, what we'd like to do, when we'd like to have it, where we'd like to have it. The wedding is a long way off, but it's good to start brainstorming that kind of thing. I'm sure it will be really helpful to have spaced out this process so we don't incur too much additional stress. God knows we've had enough of it lately. We've been reading a few books on the matter and trying to cut back on our spending in preparation for the wedding. With regard to the books, I've been reading a book for engaged grooms which is a really practical guide for how men can get involved in planning and implementing a wedding. It's quite well written, and I recommend it for any other engaged men out there.
In closing, I'm really waiting for the weekend. Amy's parents are going to be in town and we're going to spend some time with them. That will be really nice. We haven't seen them since the engagement so I'm sure everyone will be in quite high spirits. I'm also going to call my dad this weekend. I'm starting to get closer to my family--one, because I need it now more than ever, and two, because they are good people, and it's time for me to start engaging my family like I never did in the past. Two weeks ago I had a great conversation with him on the phone, and I hope for a repeat this weekend. I'm growing up, folks--stress about work, reconnecting with my parents, the whole deal.
And while I'm on the subject of weekends, I feel I should mention something. Never until these last couple of weeks have I really been someone who needed the weekend. Last year, for instance, the weekends were just a time for me to catch up on work, and I treated them almost exactly like weekdays. However, now that I've been under this stress and whatnot, I've really come to need my weekends. I think if I treated every day was like my weekdays, I'd totally lose it and pull my hair out or something. So here's to the weekend--the adult's time to actually relax a bit.
I hope all is well with everyone. I'd like to catch up soon over AIM with folks I haven't spoken to recently, but my computer has been under repair for the last two weeks (and it'll be done in about a week). It's been very frustrating, as I'm sure you'd understand.
Love,
Jordan