[FIC] "baby, without you, who am i? (over and over)" [oneshot;jaesu]
--
baby, without you, who am i? (over and over)
jaejoong/junsu. pg13; angst, fluffy. oneshot: word count - 3,682.
warning: mpreg.
you took your love to wrap around my soul; your love melted into my skin and rapidly surrounded my entire form with its warmth. you make me fall head over heels for you over and over again--
--
for once in a long time, the sun is out, with its clouds to accompany it; blue skies and not a hint of gray spots. the cool wind felt nice against my warm skin. layers of clothing don’t help at all, overheating my body. even though i'm a man myself, men can be so worrisome.
i sat on a dark green bench around the park. i've just got out of the hospital a moment ago and decided to take a short stroll after calling for my ride. the cool breeze continued to caress my skin, as i watched small bundles of joy running around the area (small legs running after one another and laughter in all directions.) there are parents around, watching their children (pushing the swings and taking care of the boo-boos.) it's been a long day. i sighed with my eyes closed, as i leaned back against the bench i still occupied.
"did you wait long?"
without much surprise, i slowly opened my eyes and turned to the person who spoke. "yes, i did. help me get up," i demanded with a slight edge, my voice wry.
"how was the check up?" he asked as he took a hold of my arm, my lower back, and got me to my feet. with a smile, he kept his arm at my waist to keep me stable.
"fine," was my curt answer. we started to walk out of the park, and into the parking area where the car waited.
"was the doctor being a pervert?"
i rolled my eyes, "no. he was very professional." this question over and over again--
"hey, no need to hide it - if he's touching the wrong places, you tell me, okay?" playful, serious.
with my lazy eyes, i nodded, but still insisted, "he's professional. it's changmin, we're talking about."
"changmin's a good doctor," he said, a total contrast to what he said earlier.
"are you high?" i asked, a bit irritated, sounding a bit jaded. he just laughed in response.
he opened the car door when we got close enough for him to unlock it. he gently got me into the vehicle, and i sat patiently as he bucked my seatbelt before going to the driver's seat.
the car roared to life, and he bucked his own seatbelt at the same time as he backed the car out of the parking spot.
"so, did--"
"no."
"how did--"
"psychic."
"are all--"
"basically."
"what the--"
"no swearing."
"dude, stop--"
"no."*
glare.
he was silent as he continued to drive to our destination.
"but-- but when is he coming back?" he asked. he still questioned me, even though he knew the answer.--
i continued looking out the window. "you know."
--the same question over and over; the same conversation- over and over.--
he continued, "it's been awhile.-- is it okay? you know- in there."
i shrugged, uninterested.
"yoochunah," i call him. "you think it's going to be okay?"
--my insecurities- over and over again.
"of course. i'll always be here for you, at least."
i hate how i always end up asking that. i despise how i need that reassurance- that, yes, at least i have someone here beside me; maybe not all the time, but enough to get me through my life.
"yoochunah," i call again, softer. "he's gone."
"soon, su. soon."
eyes glazed, "it's okay in here, by the way. min says it's healthy and fine and that my manly body isn't squishing it."
"man--?"**
"oh, shut it."
soon it turned dark. yoochun got me some fried rice with chicken (he says it'll be a chicken lover like myself) and endless bowls of ice cream (he also says i'll be getting diabetes and giving that to it too). he watched movies with me till dark.
("you shouldn't watch scary movies, or it'll be scary looking."
"that's obviously a lie."
"it's not."
"oh? why? ah- is that why your chunface turned out like this?" with a pinch of his cheeks.
he slapped my hand away, offended. pouting, "that's just mean and hurtful. my chunface is adorable and all people - men and women - adore me and want to get into my pants really, really badly, thank you very much."
"that's obviously a lie.")
it must be around two in the morning, because chunface is finally asleep and hugging onto my arm too tightly. i punched his arms to steal my arm back. i went back to stroking my stomach, speaking.
("nothing to be afraid of. chunface isn't that bad of a person. don't worry, baby.")
eventually chun will find a lover and will leave me behind. but at least he'll still be around. not all the time like this, but around whenever i need him. i don't need someone to rely on all the time; i'm independent and will be fine living on my own as well. well, maybe not totally alone.
yoochun scrunched up his face and snuggled more into the sofa. i got out from under the covers and tucked it around him. he still looks like a child, (i smiled) but is a man that i can depend on, when i really need him (like nowadays).
without him, i don't know what i'd be doing right now (drinking? depression? suicide? abortion?).
time is hard. even without you, i'd still make it. no matter what, i will--
("i'm telling you to choose, jaejoong. so choose."
silence.
"pick one. as long as you're happy. just. pick. one. now."
you left.)
--embrace the unsteady future with open arms, a child and a broken heart. with the silent cries from my missing heart, i'll continue to live, with the only thing that will be part of you. only mine.
("jae's gone? where the hell did he go?"
"chun, shut up."
"where the hell did he go!? with you like this--?"
"shut up."
"but you're--"
"i fucking know."
"you have to--"
"i can't. i can't!"
"he doesn't know though."
"..."
"you're not going to tell him!?"
"..."
"su, then what?"
"... chun, just help me. please."
"but he's the--"
"... yeah.")
it'll be five months soon. another four and it'll be over. being like this is hard, and painful. chun helps me as if he was the one who made me like this. but you're the only who did this to me, plus get me in this kind of mood. if this Part of You becomes like an emo, depressed, dumped schoolgirl, then that would be your entire fault. even as i think about this, you'll never know. chun's here. he can be the father.
("baby, when you're born, chunnie can be your father."
"--OH EM GEE. REALLY? LIKE. FOR REAL? 'CAUSE LIKE. SINCE I'M ALL FOR MEN, I DIDN'T THINK I'D BE GETTING ANY CHILDREN. OH MY--"
"nevermind, you just won't have a father then. i'll be both."
"but su, i'll make an awesome father..."
"you can be its godfather."
"i really hate how you're calling it, an 'it'. just tell me the gender!"
"i call it the right gender when you're not around. like, when you were showering--"
"I HEARD 'SHE'."
"..."
"or it was muffled by the water and it's actually 'he'? dammit.")
yoochun is always around. everywhere. it irritates me so much. it gets me into a bad mood. and i just want to punch him. he's cocky and annoying; he's always talking nonstop and i can't even think (but inside, i know. he's talking and talking and talking. if he doesn't get me like that, all i can think about is you.)
at night i can't sleep because i keep thinking. at night, yoochun can't keep me occupied. this is when i get worried and insecure. and sometimes, chun finds me in the middle of the night, in the kitchen, and a warm glass of milk. he'd smile, and show me the express i want you to have, and all i can do is cry--
where'd you go, joongie?
("i can't live like this anymore."
"i'm sorry junsu. it's hard on me too--"
"joongie, i can't--"
"then what do you want me to do, su? i have to act all lovey-dovey with some chick and tell my parents, 'oh yes, mom, dad, i'm very happy with her. she's nice and sweet and know me very well'. all pure lies. but i do this for you, because if i don't, something will happen to you. something. they'd try to bribe you with money to get away from me - because they know for a fact that i'm too stubborn to let go.--"
"i know, i know--"
"baby, you hear this from me a million times, and yet i have to continue repeating myself--"
"jaejoong--"
"junsu. really-"
"joongie.."
it is the last time you held me, embraced me, using your fingers to pet my hair as your other hand caress my waist, my hip; you gently rubbed your lips against my forehead, to the tip of my nose, my cheeks, to my lips. kissing me with gentle loving- you took my breath away. the look in your eyes made my heart hurt. you rest your head on top of my own; in return, i rest my worn out body against yours. you took your love to wrap around my soul; your love melted into my skin and rapidly surrounded my entire form with its warmth. you make me fall head over heels for you over and over again--
but this- this needs to end before it's too late.
--"i don't want you to be like this."
"but baby, you're the one who said to. to keep up appearances. to make them happy."
"i know.."
"i'm not blaming you for my stress. you cure it--"
"i- i know."
"su, you're confusing me--"
"i'm sorry."
you hummed. your voice alone calms me. but--
"it's hard to be with me, isn't it?"
"... sort of. but it's not you. it's me."
"... i understand."
"baby, where are you trying to get at?"
"who do you choose, joongie?"
"who?"
"future. me."
"you are the future-"
"no, joongie- which one? this! this isn't the future! i can't take it anymore! i said so and then you made me feel guilty, then you make me feel loved. then you calm me down. then you distract me from what i was trying to get to! jaejoong, i want us to work out. but with all this! hiding, lies, faking- i can't go on like this! even with chun, it wasn't-"
rolling of your eyes, "oh, yoochun again."
"jaejoong!"
"where's 'joongie'?"
"kim jaejoong!"
i'm desperate, confused.
"then you want yoochun? but i know you don't like him--"
"at least with chun, it's easier."
"..."
"you know what i mean-- joongie, i mean--"
"yeah i-i know."
"i told you to do all that. i told you this, i told you that- and you did everything i asked of you. with some complaining, but it's okay- i understand. i'm sorry. i don't want you to feel like this anymore. i don't want you to feel to stressed and worn out. and you're only like this because you're with me. you had no problems before me--"
"that's not true-"
"but you can't let everything go, can you?"
"..."
"you're.. the world, jaejoong. and i'm.."
"baby, you're beautiful-"
"oh shut up, please. i don't belong here, jaejoong. this- this mansion-like apartment, that car outside, this- life. nothing is me. and this- this isn't you, jaejoongah. this- you and i- this- won't work-"
"somehow--"
"jaejoong. two worlds won't collide."
"it did- it'll work--"
"will it? is it really, jaejoongah? tell me."
"... junsu, baby, please don't do this--"
i cry and you reach your hands to grab hold of me, but i back away. you back me into the wall, and i'll use my hands to stop you from embracing me. you can only settle with caressing my cheek (with your oh-so-soft finger tips that make me lean towards it-).
"i'm telling you to choose, jaejoong. so choose."
silence.
"pick one. as long as you're happy. just. pick. one. now.")
--because whenever my head is clear- your face, your laugh, your smile is all i can see.
it's painful and i feel like i'm going to die. "YOOCHUN!" i started yelling and screaming. next thing i knew it was all a blur, my head was spinning and i didn't know what to do-
"oh my gosh! junsu?! what's happening?" -- "OHEMGEE!" -- "AMBULANCEEEEEE!" -- "SU, HOLD ON, I'LL CARRY YOU TO THE CAR. it might be faster--" -- "shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" --
("su, what happened!? su? su? baby, wake up! i'm scared-- su?")
darkness started to disperse and i find myself in a dimly lit room. the walls are white (even in the darkness) with a flowery, pink design. i hear the sounds of machines (beep, beep, beep) and rustling of the leaves on trees against a window--
i feel tired, and the darkness took over once again.
by the time i open my eyes, the room is bright and i realize it's morning. i hear laughter and a painful yelp. slowly, when my eyes are clear, i turn my head to the source of sounds.
it's yoochun on the floor with a pout on his face. and i see--
"junsu!" i hear him. "oh, junsu's awake!"
i blink, still confused and light headed.
"junsu, are you feeling okay?--"
a warm hand, "baby? susu, you need a doctor?-- YOOCHUN GET THE FRIGGEN DOCTOR, YOU MORON!"
with my eyes droopy but still opened, i see yoochun's unhappy pout and went out the door. i turn my half-open eyes to meet with big doe eyes, concern written all over them.
i stare at you.
"baby?"
baby..
i felt my empty stomach and jumped up with wide eyes--
"WHERE'S MY BABY!?"
you grabbed me with one hand, and calmed me down with soothing rubs on my back and repeated words, "right here, junsuyah, right here. calm down, darling- shh... it's okay. everything's okay. don't worry, shh.." and i feel your body against my own (oh, that warmth i miss so much.)
my feet started fidgeting and i turned to look at you, then i saw what you were talking about.
my baby in your arms. your arms.
how- why- i don't want to know right now. all i want is my baby in my arms.
she's real, she's real. she's mine.
i had her in my arms, and she was wide awake, staring at me. i smiled (from the corner of my eyes, i saw your smile). she was beautiful - she has your eyes, your nose. she has my lips, my cheeks. stunningly, i thought she looked just like you. this Part of You would always be mine--
... but you're here.
then- what?- you're not-
"mine," i whispered. "you're not taking her--"
you smiled gently, and reached your hand out to me, i instinctively took the baby away from your outstretched hand. "junsu, i was only trying to hold your hand," you say.
i still watched you cautiously as i place her back onto my lap. you took my hand as you've said and started to caress it, watching your own fingers rub against mine so very gently.
"baby, i'm not leaving you. but i'll be ignoring your words."
i give you a questioning look.
"you said to keep up appearances and do as my parents say; i'm not going to anymore. when i left, i was determined to go and tell them. it took awhile, i'm sorry. i told them that i love you, and i broke up with Whatever Her Name Is--"
"yoona."
"--what!? that was her name? i was calling her junhae - but that sounds like a male name, but whatever," you shake your head to dismiss that. you continued on, still not looking at my eyes, "they were furious. she was too. everyone was." you sighed, "su, i love you. so instead of you living in my world, i decided to live in yours."
gaping, i looked up, "what?"
you nodded, then smiled, "i regret not contacting you or even yoochun. then.. maybe i would've known you were pregnant. with my child."
i stared at her lovingly but seriously mad at you, "maybe she's not yours." childish.
you lifted an eyebrow, "look at her. she's looks like me! and you!"
although you sounded childish just now, i had to give you that. i stayed silent.
"but, jaejoong.. what will--"
"don't worry. i'll be okay. my parents- they.. well, eventually. we'll see. right now though, they're still mad and kicked me out. i wasn't planning on staying there anyway - i never had been, after leaving for college. and you left our apartment for yoochun's place, huh? my stuff is still there, you know.
"i spent the last few months with them, to try and get their approval. at first they tried to persuade me and get me back with That Woman but they knew i was serious. they banned me from the house and all Kim properties. they say i won't be getting any money or anything- they said the heir will be someone else- but i don't care. junsu, i made up my mind. i want you and only you. money, i can work for. but you. you're priceless. you're everything to me. without you, i can't live on- money can't satisfy me in every way like you can. baby, without you, who am i? i gave up everything, which is what you didn't want me to do. so, i'm sorry.."
i didn't say anything.
"junsuyah, are you mad?"
nothing.
you started to fidget. your toes are probably wiggling around, and your fingers stopped caressing my hand. your breath held tight, jaws clenched and biting your lower lip, and your eyes closed tight.
i wanted to giggle.
"no," i answered. "i'm not mad."
your eyes shot open and your lips broke out a smile. you grabbed my hand fully and clasped it together your both your hands. you kissed them. (i can feel your warm lips, your smile against me.)
"did you pick a name for her?" you asked.
"no.."
"what about susu?"
"you're crazy."
(outside, "they're not doing anything."
"junsu's not talking at all."
"is jaejoong hyung talking?"
"no. doesn't seem like it."
"then they're just sitting there?"
"guess so."
"dumbass, i think hyung is talking."
"how do you know?"
"well, he needs to explain anyway. plus we can't see his face, the way he's sitting."
"yeah yeah, whatever."
"you're just stupid."
"shut up.")
turned out that my body was a bit weak (so maybe i wasn't listening to yoochun--) and luckily (in a way) it was my ninth month, and the baby was born by cutting open my stomach (okay, maybe that's the wrong way to put it) while i was still unconscious. jaejoong was there the whole time, holding my hand, even though he knew i wasn't awake to know. but i felt it, i remember his voice when i fainted ("baby, wake up! i'm scared-- su?"). that trembling voice i've never really heard before (you were always so strong, always dependable, reliable; i've never seen you cry--) and i never want to hear it again.
i was out for a few days, and you and/or yoochun kept me company throughout the whole time. you had the baby in your arms first and i know you smiled that gorgeous smile of yours as you gently kissed her nose, her soft baby cheeks and her forehead (pet her little hair, made her hold your finger and tell her how beautiful she is, what a miracle she is--). i wished i saw it, but yoochun was saying how he recorded some things (i'll have to get him later.)
you got the apartment cleaned and brought some necessary things for the baby (clothes, diapers, car seat) until we go and buy them together later. i settled my things back into their respective places, then walked out of the bedroom to see you with the baby (she giggled as you played peek-a-boo with her, and then you looked up to see me leaning against the wall, watching.) your smile mirrored mine (like proud parents), totally in love with each other, and a beloved baby to prove it.
we quickly headed out, taking the baby bag and went into the car. you had the baby buckled in (she giggled again as you kissed her forehead.) i settled into the backseat next to her, and you went into the driver's seat, looking up at the mirror to see me watching you.
and i felt it- that feeling of home and family. i forgot this feeling a long time ago- and you got it back for me.
seeing you hold the baby (i also see that you're kind of tired, by the way), our baby, and running into the baby stores with her in tow (me following behind), makes me smile the whole way--
you pick everything in the store--
("baby, i think baby would love this- and this- and this- baby, baby will love this--"
"stop calling me 'baby' when the baby is right here!"
"susu, baby,-- oh i think i have a habit of calling you that-- i'll have to end up calling you 'baby' and call the baby by her name- right, sunjae?"
"i'm going to kill yoochun."
"why? the name is okay, right sunjae?"
glaring, "at least my name is top-"
"baby, you know you're bottom."
still glaring, "shut up-"
"that's the whole reason why sunjae came out of your stomach and not mine--"
"i'll kill both of you--"
"baby, not in front of the baby--"
"kim jaejoong!")
--and we didn't accomplish much today--
("oh hell no! this is too big!"
"baby, it's not. see, this crib is totally fine--"
"it's a crib made for triples!"
"she needs her space; i know i did."
"but- this is like.. expensive!"
"don't worry, i still have money in my bank. it'll be awhile until it's gone."
"kim jaejoong!")
--plus, we still have a bunch of things to buy.
[&`end;]
key:
i - junsu
you - jaejoong
he - chun, or someone.
it/she - the baby
the actual convos:
[*]
"so, did--" you tell jaejoong?
"no."
"how did--" you know what i was going to say?
"psychic."
"are all--" pregnant people psychic?
"basically."
"what t--" the fuck?
"no swearing."
"dude, s--" stop it.
"no."
[**]
"man--" : "manly?"
[a/n] i didn’t plan for this oneshot to be THIS long. omg. i thought it’d come out to be a drabble.. but.. it’s basically a full oneshot o_o. i thought this was going to be around 800-900 words like usual (my usual drabbles, LOL). but whoa- wtf- over 3,000 O_O.
anywayyy. hope you all like this one. this has fluff! for once in my life, i got them fluff for you all- but then again, there was some angst here and there.. *cough* hehe. but this should be it (happy endings! yay~) i'm sorry, i think i got carried away with the parentheses, and i apologize for that. if it annoys you, please tell me, LOL! i think i misused them AND overused them, so (erm) yes. ... yes i'm sorry, LOL! if it's not parentheses, then it might be the - as well, LOL. yes, i know. sorry, i actually always loved these two punctuation marks :D:DDD.
please enjoy the fluff :D.
baby, without you, who am i? (over and over)
jaejoong/junsu. pg13; angst, fluffy. oneshot: word count - 3,682.
warning: mpreg.
you took your love to wrap around my soul; your love melted into my skin and rapidly surrounded my entire form with its warmth. you make me fall head over heels for you over and over again--
--
for once in a long time, the sun is out, with its clouds to accompany it; blue skies and not a hint of gray spots. the cool wind felt nice against my warm skin. layers of clothing don’t help at all, overheating my body. even though i'm a man myself, men can be so worrisome.
i sat on a dark green bench around the park. i've just got out of the hospital a moment ago and decided to take a short stroll after calling for my ride. the cool breeze continued to caress my skin, as i watched small bundles of joy running around the area (small legs running after one another and laughter in all directions.) there are parents around, watching their children (pushing the swings and taking care of the boo-boos.) it's been a long day. i sighed with my eyes closed, as i leaned back against the bench i still occupied.
"did you wait long?"
without much surprise, i slowly opened my eyes and turned to the person who spoke. "yes, i did. help me get up," i demanded with a slight edge, my voice wry.
"how was the check up?" he asked as he took a hold of my arm, my lower back, and got me to my feet. with a smile, he kept his arm at my waist to keep me stable.
"fine," was my curt answer. we started to walk out of the park, and into the parking area where the car waited.
"was the doctor being a pervert?"
i rolled my eyes, "no. he was very professional." this question over and over again--
"hey, no need to hide it - if he's touching the wrong places, you tell me, okay?" playful, serious.
with my lazy eyes, i nodded, but still insisted, "he's professional. it's changmin, we're talking about."
"changmin's a good doctor," he said, a total contrast to what he said earlier.
"are you high?" i asked, a bit irritated, sounding a bit jaded. he just laughed in response.
he opened the car door when we got close enough for him to unlock it. he gently got me into the vehicle, and i sat patiently as he bucked my seatbelt before going to the driver's seat.
the car roared to life, and he bucked his own seatbelt at the same time as he backed the car out of the parking spot.
"so, did--"
"no."
"how did--"
"psychic."
"are all--"
"basically."
"what the--"
"no swearing."
"dude, stop--"
"no."*
glare.
he was silent as he continued to drive to our destination.
"but-- but when is he coming back?" he asked. he still questioned me, even though he knew the answer.--
i continued looking out the window. "you know."
--the same question over and over; the same conversation- over and over.--
he continued, "it's been awhile.-- is it okay? you know- in there."
i shrugged, uninterested.
"yoochunah," i call him. "you think it's going to be okay?"
--my insecurities- over and over again.
"of course. i'll always be here for you, at least."
i hate how i always end up asking that. i despise how i need that reassurance- that, yes, at least i have someone here beside me; maybe not all the time, but enough to get me through my life.
"yoochunah," i call again, softer. "he's gone."
"soon, su. soon."
eyes glazed, "it's okay in here, by the way. min says it's healthy and fine and that my manly body isn't squishing it."
"man--?"**
"oh, shut it."
soon it turned dark. yoochun got me some fried rice with chicken (he says it'll be a chicken lover like myself) and endless bowls of ice cream (he also says i'll be getting diabetes and giving that to it too). he watched movies with me till dark.
("you shouldn't watch scary movies, or it'll be scary looking."
"that's obviously a lie."
"it's not."
"oh? why? ah- is that why your chunface turned out like this?" with a pinch of his cheeks.
he slapped my hand away, offended. pouting, "that's just mean and hurtful. my chunface is adorable and all people - men and women - adore me and want to get into my pants really, really badly, thank you very much."
"that's obviously a lie.")
it must be around two in the morning, because chunface is finally asleep and hugging onto my arm too tightly. i punched his arms to steal my arm back. i went back to stroking my stomach, speaking.
("nothing to be afraid of. chunface isn't that bad of a person. don't worry, baby.")
eventually chun will find a lover and will leave me behind. but at least he'll still be around. not all the time like this, but around whenever i need him. i don't need someone to rely on all the time; i'm independent and will be fine living on my own as well. well, maybe not totally alone.
yoochun scrunched up his face and snuggled more into the sofa. i got out from under the covers and tucked it around him. he still looks like a child, (i smiled) but is a man that i can depend on, when i really need him (like nowadays).
without him, i don't know what i'd be doing right now (drinking? depression? suicide? abortion?).
time is hard. even without you, i'd still make it. no matter what, i will--
("i'm telling you to choose, jaejoong. so choose."
silence.
"pick one. as long as you're happy. just. pick. one. now."
you left.)
--embrace the unsteady future with open arms, a child and a broken heart. with the silent cries from my missing heart, i'll continue to live, with the only thing that will be part of you. only mine.
("jae's gone? where the hell did he go?"
"chun, shut up."
"where the hell did he go!? with you like this--?"
"shut up."
"but you're--"
"i fucking know."
"you have to--"
"i can't. i can't!"
"he doesn't know though."
"..."
"you're not going to tell him!?"
"..."
"su, then what?"
"... chun, just help me. please."
"but he's the--"
"... yeah.")
it'll be five months soon. another four and it'll be over. being like this is hard, and painful. chun helps me as if he was the one who made me like this. but you're the only who did this to me, plus get me in this kind of mood. if this Part of You becomes like an emo, depressed, dumped schoolgirl, then that would be your entire fault. even as i think about this, you'll never know. chun's here. he can be the father.
("baby, when you're born, chunnie can be your father."
"--OH EM GEE. REALLY? LIKE. FOR REAL? 'CAUSE LIKE. SINCE I'M ALL FOR MEN, I DIDN'T THINK I'D BE GETTING ANY CHILDREN. OH MY--"
"nevermind, you just won't have a father then. i'll be both."
"but su, i'll make an awesome father..."
"you can be its godfather."
"i really hate how you're calling it, an 'it'. just tell me the gender!"
"i call it the right gender when you're not around. like, when you were showering--"
"I HEARD 'SHE'."
"..."
"or it was muffled by the water and it's actually 'he'? dammit.")
yoochun is always around. everywhere. it irritates me so much. it gets me into a bad mood. and i just want to punch him. he's cocky and annoying; he's always talking nonstop and i can't even think (but inside, i know. he's talking and talking and talking. if he doesn't get me like that, all i can think about is you.)
at night i can't sleep because i keep thinking. at night, yoochun can't keep me occupied. this is when i get worried and insecure. and sometimes, chun finds me in the middle of the night, in the kitchen, and a warm glass of milk. he'd smile, and show me the express i want you to have, and all i can do is cry--
where'd you go, joongie?
("i can't live like this anymore."
"i'm sorry junsu. it's hard on me too--"
"joongie, i can't--"
"then what do you want me to do, su? i have to act all lovey-dovey with some chick and tell my parents, 'oh yes, mom, dad, i'm very happy with her. she's nice and sweet and know me very well'. all pure lies. but i do this for you, because if i don't, something will happen to you. something. they'd try to bribe you with money to get away from me - because they know for a fact that i'm too stubborn to let go.--"
"i know, i know--"
"baby, you hear this from me a million times, and yet i have to continue repeating myself--"
"jaejoong--"
"junsu. really-"
"joongie.."
it is the last time you held me, embraced me, using your fingers to pet my hair as your other hand caress my waist, my hip; you gently rubbed your lips against my forehead, to the tip of my nose, my cheeks, to my lips. kissing me with gentle loving- you took my breath away. the look in your eyes made my heart hurt. you rest your head on top of my own; in return, i rest my worn out body against yours. you took your love to wrap around my soul; your love melted into my skin and rapidly surrounded my entire form with its warmth. you make me fall head over heels for you over and over again--
but this- this needs to end before it's too late.
--"i don't want you to be like this."
"but baby, you're the one who said to. to keep up appearances. to make them happy."
"i know.."
"i'm not blaming you for my stress. you cure it--"
"i- i know."
"su, you're confusing me--"
"i'm sorry."
you hummed. your voice alone calms me. but--
"it's hard to be with me, isn't it?"
"... sort of. but it's not you. it's me."
"... i understand."
"baby, where are you trying to get at?"
"who do you choose, joongie?"
"who?"
"future. me."
"you are the future-"
"no, joongie- which one? this! this isn't the future! i can't take it anymore! i said so and then you made me feel guilty, then you make me feel loved. then you calm me down. then you distract me from what i was trying to get to! jaejoong, i want us to work out. but with all this! hiding, lies, faking- i can't go on like this! even with chun, it wasn't-"
rolling of your eyes, "oh, yoochun again."
"jaejoong!"
"where's 'joongie'?"
"kim jaejoong!"
i'm desperate, confused.
"then you want yoochun? but i know you don't like him--"
"at least with chun, it's easier."
"..."
"you know what i mean-- joongie, i mean--"
"yeah i-i know."
"i told you to do all that. i told you this, i told you that- and you did everything i asked of you. with some complaining, but it's okay- i understand. i'm sorry. i don't want you to feel like this anymore. i don't want you to feel to stressed and worn out. and you're only like this because you're with me. you had no problems before me--"
"that's not true-"
"but you can't let everything go, can you?"
"..."
"you're.. the world, jaejoong. and i'm.."
"baby, you're beautiful-"
"oh shut up, please. i don't belong here, jaejoong. this- this mansion-like apartment, that car outside, this- life. nothing is me. and this- this isn't you, jaejoongah. this- you and i- this- won't work-"
"somehow--"
"jaejoong. two worlds won't collide."
"it did- it'll work--"
"will it? is it really, jaejoongah? tell me."
"... junsu, baby, please don't do this--"
i cry and you reach your hands to grab hold of me, but i back away. you back me into the wall, and i'll use my hands to stop you from embracing me. you can only settle with caressing my cheek (with your oh-so-soft finger tips that make me lean towards it-).
"i'm telling you to choose, jaejoong. so choose."
silence.
"pick one. as long as you're happy. just. pick. one. now.")
--because whenever my head is clear- your face, your laugh, your smile is all i can see.
it's painful and i feel like i'm going to die. "YOOCHUN!" i started yelling and screaming. next thing i knew it was all a blur, my head was spinning and i didn't know what to do-
"oh my gosh! junsu?! what's happening?" -- "OHEMGEE!" -- "AMBULANCEEEEEE!" -- "SU, HOLD ON, I'LL CARRY YOU TO THE CAR. it might be faster--" -- "shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" --
("su, what happened!? su? su? baby, wake up! i'm scared-- su?")
darkness started to disperse and i find myself in a dimly lit room. the walls are white (even in the darkness) with a flowery, pink design. i hear the sounds of machines (beep, beep, beep) and rustling of the leaves on trees against a window--
i feel tired, and the darkness took over once again.
by the time i open my eyes, the room is bright and i realize it's morning. i hear laughter and a painful yelp. slowly, when my eyes are clear, i turn my head to the source of sounds.
it's yoochun on the floor with a pout on his face. and i see--
"junsu!" i hear him. "oh, junsu's awake!"
i blink, still confused and light headed.
"junsu, are you feeling okay?--"
a warm hand, "baby? susu, you need a doctor?-- YOOCHUN GET THE FRIGGEN DOCTOR, YOU MORON!"
with my eyes droopy but still opened, i see yoochun's unhappy pout and went out the door. i turn my half-open eyes to meet with big doe eyes, concern written all over them.
i stare at you.
"baby?"
baby..
i felt my empty stomach and jumped up with wide eyes--
"WHERE'S MY BABY!?"
you grabbed me with one hand, and calmed me down with soothing rubs on my back and repeated words, "right here, junsuyah, right here. calm down, darling- shh... it's okay. everything's okay. don't worry, shh.." and i feel your body against my own (oh, that warmth i miss so much.)
my feet started fidgeting and i turned to look at you, then i saw what you were talking about.
my baby in your arms. your arms.
how- why- i don't want to know right now. all i want is my baby in my arms.
she's real, she's real. she's mine.
i had her in my arms, and she was wide awake, staring at me. i smiled (from the corner of my eyes, i saw your smile). she was beautiful - she has your eyes, your nose. she has my lips, my cheeks. stunningly, i thought she looked just like you. this Part of You would always be mine--
... but you're here.
then- what?- you're not-
"mine," i whispered. "you're not taking her--"
you smiled gently, and reached your hand out to me, i instinctively took the baby away from your outstretched hand. "junsu, i was only trying to hold your hand," you say.
i still watched you cautiously as i place her back onto my lap. you took my hand as you've said and started to caress it, watching your own fingers rub against mine so very gently.
"baby, i'm not leaving you. but i'll be ignoring your words."
i give you a questioning look.
"you said to keep up appearances and do as my parents say; i'm not going to anymore. when i left, i was determined to go and tell them. it took awhile, i'm sorry. i told them that i love you, and i broke up with Whatever Her Name Is--"
"yoona."
"--what!? that was her name? i was calling her junhae - but that sounds like a male name, but whatever," you shake your head to dismiss that. you continued on, still not looking at my eyes, "they were furious. she was too. everyone was." you sighed, "su, i love you. so instead of you living in my world, i decided to live in yours."
gaping, i looked up, "what?"
you nodded, then smiled, "i regret not contacting you or even yoochun. then.. maybe i would've known you were pregnant. with my child."
i stared at her lovingly but seriously mad at you, "maybe she's not yours." childish.
you lifted an eyebrow, "look at her. she's looks like me! and you!"
although you sounded childish just now, i had to give you that. i stayed silent.
"but, jaejoong.. what will--"
"don't worry. i'll be okay. my parents- they.. well, eventually. we'll see. right now though, they're still mad and kicked me out. i wasn't planning on staying there anyway - i never had been, after leaving for college. and you left our apartment for yoochun's place, huh? my stuff is still there, you know.
"i spent the last few months with them, to try and get their approval. at first they tried to persuade me and get me back with That Woman but they knew i was serious. they banned me from the house and all Kim properties. they say i won't be getting any money or anything- they said the heir will be someone else- but i don't care. junsu, i made up my mind. i want you and only you. money, i can work for. but you. you're priceless. you're everything to me. without you, i can't live on- money can't satisfy me in every way like you can. baby, without you, who am i? i gave up everything, which is what you didn't want me to do. so, i'm sorry.."
i didn't say anything.
"junsuyah, are you mad?"
nothing.
you started to fidget. your toes are probably wiggling around, and your fingers stopped caressing my hand. your breath held tight, jaws clenched and biting your lower lip, and your eyes closed tight.
i wanted to giggle.
"no," i answered. "i'm not mad."
your eyes shot open and your lips broke out a smile. you grabbed my hand fully and clasped it together your both your hands. you kissed them. (i can feel your warm lips, your smile against me.)
"did you pick a name for her?" you asked.
"no.."
"what about susu?"
"you're crazy."
(outside, "they're not doing anything."
"junsu's not talking at all."
"is jaejoong hyung talking?"
"no. doesn't seem like it."
"then they're just sitting there?"
"guess so."
"dumbass, i think hyung is talking."
"how do you know?"
"well, he needs to explain anyway. plus we can't see his face, the way he's sitting."
"yeah yeah, whatever."
"you're just stupid."
"shut up.")
turned out that my body was a bit weak (so maybe i wasn't listening to yoochun--) and luckily (in a way) it was my ninth month, and the baby was born by cutting open my stomach (okay, maybe that's the wrong way to put it) while i was still unconscious. jaejoong was there the whole time, holding my hand, even though he knew i wasn't awake to know. but i felt it, i remember his voice when i fainted ("baby, wake up! i'm scared-- su?"). that trembling voice i've never really heard before (you were always so strong, always dependable, reliable; i've never seen you cry--) and i never want to hear it again.
i was out for a few days, and you and/or yoochun kept me company throughout the whole time. you had the baby in your arms first and i know you smiled that gorgeous smile of yours as you gently kissed her nose, her soft baby cheeks and her forehead (pet her little hair, made her hold your finger and tell her how beautiful she is, what a miracle she is--). i wished i saw it, but yoochun was saying how he recorded some things (i'll have to get him later.)
you got the apartment cleaned and brought some necessary things for the baby (clothes, diapers, car seat) until we go and buy them together later. i settled my things back into their respective places, then walked out of the bedroom to see you with the baby (she giggled as you played peek-a-boo with her, and then you looked up to see me leaning against the wall, watching.) your smile mirrored mine (like proud parents), totally in love with each other, and a beloved baby to prove it.
we quickly headed out, taking the baby bag and went into the car. you had the baby buckled in (she giggled again as you kissed her forehead.) i settled into the backseat next to her, and you went into the driver's seat, looking up at the mirror to see me watching you.
and i felt it- that feeling of home and family. i forgot this feeling a long time ago- and you got it back for me.
seeing you hold the baby (i also see that you're kind of tired, by the way), our baby, and running into the baby stores with her in tow (me following behind), makes me smile the whole way--
you pick everything in the store--
("baby, i think baby would love this- and this- and this- baby, baby will love this--"
"stop calling me 'baby' when the baby is right here!"
"susu, baby,-- oh i think i have a habit of calling you that-- i'll have to end up calling you 'baby' and call the baby by her name- right, sunjae?"
"i'm going to kill yoochun."
"why? the name is okay, right sunjae?"
glaring, "at least my name is top-"
"baby, you know you're bottom."
still glaring, "shut up-"
"that's the whole reason why sunjae came out of your stomach and not mine--"
"i'll kill both of you--"
"baby, not in front of the baby--"
"kim jaejoong!")
--and we didn't accomplish much today--
("oh hell no! this is too big!"
"baby, it's not. see, this crib is totally fine--"
"it's a crib made for triples!"
"she needs her space; i know i did."
"but- this is like.. expensive!"
"don't worry, i still have money in my bank. it'll be awhile until it's gone."
"kim jaejoong!")
--plus, we still have a bunch of things to buy.
[&`end;]
key:
i - junsu
you - jaejoong
he - chun, or someone.
it/she - the baby
the actual convos:
[*]
"so, did--" you tell jaejoong?
"no."
"how did--" you know what i was going to say?
"psychic."
"are all--" pregnant people psychic?
"basically."
"what t--" the fuck?
"no swearing."
"dude, s--" stop it.
"no."
[**]
"man--" : "manly?"
[a/n] i didn’t plan for this oneshot to be THIS long. omg. i thought it’d come out to be a drabble.. but.. it’s basically a full oneshot o_o. i thought this was going to be around 800-900 words like usual (my usual drabbles, LOL). but whoa- wtf- over 3,000 O_O.
anywayyy. hope you all like this one. this has fluff! for once in my life, i got them fluff for you all- but then again, there was some angst here and there.. *cough* hehe. but this should be it (happy endings! yay~) i'm sorry, i think i got carried away with the parentheses, and i apologize for that. if it annoys you, please tell me, LOL! i think i misused them AND overused them, so (erm) yes. ... yes i'm sorry, LOL! if it's not parentheses, then it might be the - as well, LOL. yes, i know. sorry, i actually always loved these two punctuation marks :D:DDD.
please enjoy the fluff :D.