[FIC] memories soaring in the wind [oneshot;jaesu]
happy belated birthday to jaejoongie again;
and happy early birthday to yunho :D.
(though, there's nothing about yunho in this fic. it's jaesu! <3.)
please enjoy :D;;
---
memories soaring in the wind
jaejoong/junsu; pg13: angst
so many memories. the past, the things i had almost forgotten, especially of you.
---
i feel tired, as if the world is weighing down on me. sitting against the white wall of my bedroom, i try to make myself feel like i were you. did you also sit here alone while i was gone? would there be the usual darkness surrounding you? i feel suffocated without your presence. i'm guessing you felt the same way.
i remember your touches. you'd touch the skin of my cheeks with the tips of your warm fingers, caressing. lovingly. you'd lay into my loose embrace, as i'd feel your body against mine. warm, solid, real. there. your head would rest against my neck, your cheek rubbing against me, burying your face there. telling me, something.
don't leave me.
i remember your smile. they would emit light, the brightness overpowering all the darkness of the night, and even the sun. mornings would consist of you waking me up with a kiss, and smiling brightly as my eyes open. i'd tiredly kiss your cheek, you'd rub your nose against mine with a 'good morning, joongie' and kiss me some more, showering me with your affection. you always looked happy in the mornings.
mornings, when the darkness had passed, and it was time for more light.
but as nights arrives and leaves, they're all the same. i'd be home. i shake my head; no, i wouldn't be clubbing like i use to. you'd be here with me. we would go to sleep together--
routine. we have so many.
--you'd sleep clinging onto me desperately.
stay.
but sometimes i'd suddenly wake up to coldness, emptiness. sometimes you'd be out in the balcony in the middle of the night; hands fisted together to your chest, against your heart, a silent prayer. i'll watch you without a word from the bed. the door of the balcony is closed, and i never heard a word you said. i never knew the exact words but i did have a clue, a guess. and maybe they were true.
dear god. i wish, so much. i want to stay with jaejoong. don't let him leave me. don't take him away from me-- please.
--not again. not ever. he won't leave me, right?
jaejoongah, i love you so much. can you hear me? --
i never had the courage to get up, and open the door. never had the courage to tell you. never had the guts to wipe away your tears--
you're sitting on the balcony chair, hands fisted to your chest, to your heart with tears sliding down your smooth cheeks.
--i never had the courage to do anything. i always wondered why you love me in the first place.
is there even a point in loving me? me - who doesn't love back, doesn't do anything for you. yet you still stay by my side and continue to give me your heart, your everything.
what had a given you?
i'm selfish and cowardly--
and never had the courage to push you away, to tell you to stop wasting your time on me. i want to keep you all to myself.
--so selfish.
i feel as though you had changed me. wild drunken days of blurry vision and fooling around were gone after you came along. somehow, unknowingly, i'd been tamed. maybe by your smiles, your laughs. the way you look at me. maybe it's the way you held onto me, clinging. you'd always be so adorable, innocent. i never wanted to taint you, make you sad. but somewhere along the way, i did--
i remember when i stumbled into our bedroom of our apartment (unbeknownst to me, we ended up living together), and you were sitting on the bed, legs against your chest, sniffling. i'd obviously sensed something wrong, so i bent down to see what it was. your tear-streaked vintage looked up from being buried in your arms ("jaejoongah," you said) and you pounced onto me ("please, make it go away; make it - the pain - go away. jaejoongahjaejoongahjaejoongah--").
--i couldn't stop myself that time.
("joongie, don't push me away -- please..." burying your face into my neck, almost choking me -- you needed the reassurance.)
i never after that.
i remember days of you hugging onto me. the clingy you. before, i never would have never liked such an affection, but for you, it just felt so right. with your body solidly against me, i know you existed.
if only i cherished it more.
("jaejoongah," you said. "are you going anywhere today?" you didn't look up at me as you spoke. i raised an eyebrow, questioningly.
"no," i answered, a bit uncertain, a bit carelessly. "do you want to go somewhere?"
you looked up, startled. "oh- ah. no. jaejoongah, i just.. wanted to know. that's all. ah. yeah. just. um.--" i kissed you, hard and long with my tongue forcefully into your mouth. too adorable, i had thought. and i wanted to stop your rumbling, embarrassed and blushing. i smiled against that kiss. even with the force, i tried to make it gentle. comfortable, sensual, relaxing.
when we parted, you breathed heavily, trying to put air back into your lungs. bright pink blush tint on your adorable cheeks.
"what do you want to do at home then?" i asked.
you thought for a moment, using your thinking-face - eye brows scrunched together with a pout upon your lips. you're body was still against mine; you still had your arms around my neck, as mine were still around your waist.
"i don't know," you finally answered. "um. sleep?"
"are you thinking sex, su? that's kind of unlike you-- ah!" i winced in pain from your punch on my right arm. "what?"
you hugged me, laying your forehead against my shoulder.
quietly, whispering, "jaejoong. i know you don't love me, but can we just sleep? snuggle? or something like that. please? i love you." --
we did.)
--i didn't have the voice to tell you how wrong you were.
i remember the day i picked up the phone. a cracked voice of yoochun, "junsujunsujunsu- he's--"
enough. i don't want to remember. i don't want to think about that.
i remember when i first met you. you were a new singer at the club down the street. it was sultry there - hot, the smell of sex and sweat. everyone dancing with sexy upbeat, dance music. your turn to sing had took my breath away. your hips, that s-line, your ass. everything. but you voice is what you pulled me in. husky, sexy, suggestive; the way your voice sounded angelic, yet dripped with sex.
when you were off stage, you went to the bartender for a glass of juice (innocent, i concluded) and immediately wanted more (i thought again, but that ass).
i approached you, asked if you wanted another drink.
("something more strong?" i asked, smirk in place.
you blushed, shaking your head a mute "no" under your breath, trying to excuse yourself.
i grabbed your arm, pulling you to collide against my chest. "i heard you sing. and dance," i said huskily against the shell of your ear. you gaped for a few seconds before pulling back. i made a genuine, teasing smile, "ah- not interested; it's okay." and i walked off. i didn't know you were watching me though.--
the next day i went back here, at first it wasn't for you; well, because i thought you only had the tuesday stages. it was for fun. it was.
--how i knew you were watching me is because i saw you nervously sitting at the bar in the back of the club. you kept looking at the door: waiting and watching. i smiled seeing you again, silently coming near.
with a breathy voice, almost a moan, "you again." and you jumped out of your seat startled. i laughed, clapping and covering my smile. you blushed, looking away. "who are you waiting for? me?" i asked, smug grin teasing you into embarrassment.
you shook your head "no" like the day before.
i shrugged carelessly, "still not interested, hm?"
when began to walk away you bit your lip, pulling my jacket looking anywhere but me. i got you.)
so many memories. the past, the things i had almost forgotten, especially of you.
i don't want to think anymore. i don't want it. i need you.
my hands are trembling, my eyes closing and a silent 'i love you' thrown into the room, hoping it'll reach you. three words of affection, i never had the courage to say to you. "i love you," i say now. but it's too late.
hoping you find me as i search for you; i'll leave the evidence behind--
--so i'll leave the memories soaring in the wind.
[end]
[a/n] my second attempt at jaesu. yupp. erm. tell me what'cha think, ne? and sorry for the angst; it'll try something fluffy another time? LOL! Comments are loved ♥~
and happy early birthday to yunho :D.
(though, there's nothing about yunho in this fic. it's jaesu! <3.)
please enjoy :D;;
---
memories soaring in the wind
jaejoong/junsu; pg13: angst
so many memories. the past, the things i had almost forgotten, especially of you.
---
i feel tired, as if the world is weighing down on me. sitting against the white wall of my bedroom, i try to make myself feel like i were you. did you also sit here alone while i was gone? would there be the usual darkness surrounding you? i feel suffocated without your presence. i'm guessing you felt the same way.
i remember your touches. you'd touch the skin of my cheeks with the tips of your warm fingers, caressing. lovingly. you'd lay into my loose embrace, as i'd feel your body against mine. warm, solid, real. there. your head would rest against my neck, your cheek rubbing against me, burying your face there. telling me, something.
don't leave me.
i remember your smile. they would emit light, the brightness overpowering all the darkness of the night, and even the sun. mornings would consist of you waking me up with a kiss, and smiling brightly as my eyes open. i'd tiredly kiss your cheek, you'd rub your nose against mine with a 'good morning, joongie' and kiss me some more, showering me with your affection. you always looked happy in the mornings.
mornings, when the darkness had passed, and it was time for more light.
but as nights arrives and leaves, they're all the same. i'd be home. i shake my head; no, i wouldn't be clubbing like i use to. you'd be here with me. we would go to sleep together--
routine. we have so many.
--you'd sleep clinging onto me desperately.
stay.
but sometimes i'd suddenly wake up to coldness, emptiness. sometimes you'd be out in the balcony in the middle of the night; hands fisted together to your chest, against your heart, a silent prayer. i'll watch you without a word from the bed. the door of the balcony is closed, and i never heard a word you said. i never knew the exact words but i did have a clue, a guess. and maybe they were true.
dear god. i wish, so much. i want to stay with jaejoong. don't let him leave me. don't take him away from me-- please.
--not again. not ever. he won't leave me, right?
jaejoongah, i love you so much. can you hear me? --
i never had the courage to get up, and open the door. never had the courage to tell you. never had the guts to wipe away your tears--
you're sitting on the balcony chair, hands fisted to your chest, to your heart with tears sliding down your smooth cheeks.
--i never had the courage to do anything. i always wondered why you love me in the first place.
is there even a point in loving me? me - who doesn't love back, doesn't do anything for you. yet you still stay by my side and continue to give me your heart, your everything.
what had a given you?
i'm selfish and cowardly--
and never had the courage to push you away, to tell you to stop wasting your time on me. i want to keep you all to myself.
--so selfish.
i feel as though you had changed me. wild drunken days of blurry vision and fooling around were gone after you came along. somehow, unknowingly, i'd been tamed. maybe by your smiles, your laughs. the way you look at me. maybe it's the way you held onto me, clinging. you'd always be so adorable, innocent. i never wanted to taint you, make you sad. but somewhere along the way, i did--
i remember when i stumbled into our bedroom of our apartment (unbeknownst to me, we ended up living together), and you were sitting on the bed, legs against your chest, sniffling. i'd obviously sensed something wrong, so i bent down to see what it was. your tear-streaked vintage looked up from being buried in your arms ("jaejoongah," you said) and you pounced onto me ("please, make it go away; make it - the pain - go away. jaejoongahjaejoongahjaejoongah--").
--i couldn't stop myself that time.
("joongie, don't push me away -- please..." burying your face into my neck, almost choking me -- you needed the reassurance.)
i never after that.
i remember days of you hugging onto me. the clingy you. before, i never would have never liked such an affection, but for you, it just felt so right. with your body solidly against me, i know you existed.
if only i cherished it more.
("jaejoongah," you said. "are you going anywhere today?" you didn't look up at me as you spoke. i raised an eyebrow, questioningly.
"no," i answered, a bit uncertain, a bit carelessly. "do you want to go somewhere?"
you looked up, startled. "oh- ah. no. jaejoongah, i just.. wanted to know. that's all. ah. yeah. just. um.--" i kissed you, hard and long with my tongue forcefully into your mouth. too adorable, i had thought. and i wanted to stop your rumbling, embarrassed and blushing. i smiled against that kiss. even with the force, i tried to make it gentle. comfortable, sensual, relaxing.
when we parted, you breathed heavily, trying to put air back into your lungs. bright pink blush tint on your adorable cheeks.
"what do you want to do at home then?" i asked.
you thought for a moment, using your thinking-face - eye brows scrunched together with a pout upon your lips. you're body was still against mine; you still had your arms around my neck, as mine were still around your waist.
"i don't know," you finally answered. "um. sleep?"
"are you thinking sex, su? that's kind of unlike you-- ah!" i winced in pain from your punch on my right arm. "what?"
you hugged me, laying your forehead against my shoulder.
quietly, whispering, "jaejoong. i know you don't love me, but can we just sleep? snuggle? or something like that. please? i love you." --
we did.)
--i didn't have the voice to tell you how wrong you were.
i remember the day i picked up the phone. a cracked voice of yoochun, "junsujunsujunsu- he's--"
enough. i don't want to remember. i don't want to think about that.
i remember when i first met you. you were a new singer at the club down the street. it was sultry there - hot, the smell of sex and sweat. everyone dancing with sexy upbeat, dance music. your turn to sing had took my breath away. your hips, that s-line, your ass. everything. but you voice is what you pulled me in. husky, sexy, suggestive; the way your voice sounded angelic, yet dripped with sex.
when you were off stage, you went to the bartender for a glass of juice (innocent, i concluded) and immediately wanted more (i thought again, but that ass).
i approached you, asked if you wanted another drink.
("something more strong?" i asked, smirk in place.
you blushed, shaking your head a mute "no" under your breath, trying to excuse yourself.
i grabbed your arm, pulling you to collide against my chest. "i heard you sing. and dance," i said huskily against the shell of your ear. you gaped for a few seconds before pulling back. i made a genuine, teasing smile, "ah- not interested; it's okay." and i walked off. i didn't know you were watching me though.--
the next day i went back here, at first it wasn't for you; well, because i thought you only had the tuesday stages. it was for fun. it was.
--how i knew you were watching me is because i saw you nervously sitting at the bar in the back of the club. you kept looking at the door: waiting and watching. i smiled seeing you again, silently coming near.
with a breathy voice, almost a moan, "you again." and you jumped out of your seat startled. i laughed, clapping and covering my smile. you blushed, looking away. "who are you waiting for? me?" i asked, smug grin teasing you into embarrassment.
you shook your head "no" like the day before.
i shrugged carelessly, "still not interested, hm?"
when began to walk away you bit your lip, pulling my jacket looking anywhere but me. i got you.)
so many memories. the past, the things i had almost forgotten, especially of you.
i don't want to think anymore. i don't want it. i need you.
my hands are trembling, my eyes closing and a silent 'i love you' thrown into the room, hoping it'll reach you. three words of affection, i never had the courage to say to you. "i love you," i say now. but it's too late.
hoping you find me as i search for you; i'll leave the evidence behind--
--so i'll leave the memories soaring in the wind.
[end]
[a/n] my second attempt at jaesu. yupp. erm. tell me what'cha think, ne? and sorry for the angst; it'll try something fluffy another time? LOL! Comments are loved ♥~