Shamanic rites of passage: death and its great beauty
I have been in love with my home situation lately-----it's breezy. The new roomie, B and I, are harmonious and clear. I love spending time here. B moves in this Saturday, and for the first time in 6 years I will actually have a home phone number. Everything feels incredible. 2008 baby.
Rehearsals are going well, acupuncture needles stimulating kidneys and my soul, and the last three nights have been filled with free vodka tonics, saunas, Irish pubs, delicious home made food, NYC goodness and Guwertziemener....and did I mention I made my Television debut yesterday asking sex advice to Sue the Sex expert? Yeah.
But what is really going on, is that this morning at 5:30 a.m. Pacific Standard time, my beautiful, chronically ill, rapid cycling, witty even on his death bed, grandfather, passed away. Over the last 12,13 years of my life, I have feared the day when he would be gone. No one ever thought he would live as long as he did. They took him off Dialysis a few days ago, so the passing was expected, but now that he's gone, there is a sense of surprise, disbelief and peace. He has been in such a state of pain and disorientation for years, and damn if the man didn't hang on to every last drop of life. I spoke with him two days ago on the phone, and he was still busting out the jokes. I don't think he realized why all the family was gathered around him for days. He didn't know he was dying! He was probably still talking about heading down to Mexico and finding himself some hot little Chiquita. My Grandpa Hal and I have always been morbidly alike. We can be mean as fuck one moment, and full of gods great love the next. I have always felt there was something in his nature I completely understood, even though he was intolerable to many of his closest family members. The night they took him off dialysis I toasted to him, and had a good waterfall of a cry, but today, I feel peaceful. I only wish I could be there.
So, now.....Wednesday Jan 16th 2008: there are 3 Off bway auditions, laundry, one appoint. a serious 4 hour rehearsal to go to, and a hangover to recover from. I don't want to do any of it, and almost feel tacky for doing so....what does it even matter? These day to day tasks.... More than anything I'm inspired to express my greatest love to everyone. Regardless of how deeply we may hurt one another, Judge one another, dismiss or neglect, be inflamed with disapproval-I always have believed that people justify what they do and maybe even...mean well. I have experienced moments of total love and compassion, even towards those who would be happy to see me suffer, and I have experienced the coldest of indifference, and the sharpest of rage, but when all those moments boil down to their purest form, there is love and innocence.
Honestly, the greatest pain I've experienced in the last year has been disappointment. Friendships I deemed as solid, have turned fleeting. I suppose I've shown colors and shades that aren't always palate perfect, but that's simply human. I never expected to be dismissed upon such slight effects. But I'm loyal. Imperfect, and ultimately just like everyone else. I've always fought for my Grandpa's honor and at times the only one who can stand up for his poor behavior, because I know he means well. My grandpa and I aren't always easy to love, but damn if we aren't honest, and damn if we aren't tough, and more than anything loyal, and maybe even worth the bullshit. So if my day comes, or yours, or his, as this IS, HIS day, at least there is the comfort of knowing that I said what I needed to say. That ultimately, it's our love and acceptance of human folly that surpasses the minutia--and makes it something beautiful in the end.
Rehearsals are going well, acupuncture needles stimulating kidneys and my soul, and the last three nights have been filled with free vodka tonics, saunas, Irish pubs, delicious home made food, NYC goodness and Guwertziemener....and did I mention I made my Television debut yesterday asking sex advice to Sue the Sex expert? Yeah.
But what is really going on, is that this morning at 5:30 a.m. Pacific Standard time, my beautiful, chronically ill, rapid cycling, witty even on his death bed, grandfather, passed away. Over the last 12,13 years of my life, I have feared the day when he would be gone. No one ever thought he would live as long as he did. They took him off Dialysis a few days ago, so the passing was expected, but now that he's gone, there is a sense of surprise, disbelief and peace. He has been in such a state of pain and disorientation for years, and damn if the man didn't hang on to every last drop of life. I spoke with him two days ago on the phone, and he was still busting out the jokes. I don't think he realized why all the family was gathered around him for days. He didn't know he was dying! He was probably still talking about heading down to Mexico and finding himself some hot little Chiquita. My Grandpa Hal and I have always been morbidly alike. We can be mean as fuck one moment, and full of gods great love the next. I have always felt there was something in his nature I completely understood, even though he was intolerable to many of his closest family members. The night they took him off dialysis I toasted to him, and had a good waterfall of a cry, but today, I feel peaceful. I only wish I could be there.
So, now.....Wednesday Jan 16th 2008: there are 3 Off bway auditions, laundry, one appoint. a serious 4 hour rehearsal to go to, and a hangover to recover from. I don't want to do any of it, and almost feel tacky for doing so....what does it even matter? These day to day tasks.... More than anything I'm inspired to express my greatest love to everyone. Regardless of how deeply we may hurt one another, Judge one another, dismiss or neglect, be inflamed with disapproval-I always have believed that people justify what they do and maybe even...mean well. I have experienced moments of total love and compassion, even towards those who would be happy to see me suffer, and I have experienced the coldest of indifference, and the sharpest of rage, but when all those moments boil down to their purest form, there is love and innocence.
Honestly, the greatest pain I've experienced in the last year has been disappointment. Friendships I deemed as solid, have turned fleeting. I suppose I've shown colors and shades that aren't always palate perfect, but that's simply human. I never expected to be dismissed upon such slight effects. But I'm loyal. Imperfect, and ultimately just like everyone else. I've always fought for my Grandpa's honor and at times the only one who can stand up for his poor behavior, because I know he means well. My grandpa and I aren't always easy to love, but damn if we aren't honest, and damn if we aren't tough, and more than anything loyal, and maybe even worth the bullshit. So if my day comes, or yours, or his, as this IS, HIS day, at least there is the comfort of knowing that I said what I needed to say. That ultimately, it's our love and acceptance of human folly that surpasses the minutia--and makes it something beautiful in the end.