What's In A Name: Chapter 12 (Part 1)
What's In A Name?
Chapter Twelve: (Part 1)
Justin spent Saturday morning with Soleil at the art museum while Brian went to Gus’ game and then they all met up for lunch; a compromise that seemed to satisfy everyone’s requirements. But over Friday night, Brian had gotten very little sleep, mulling over his meeting with Patrick and whether he should meet up with him again, recalling Justin‘s reminder that whatever he decided to do, he didn‘t have much time before Patrick returned home and the opportunity lost, possibly forever; something deep down, Brian knew he might live to regret. He’d also had second thoughts about Patrick meeting with Joan and whether he was being too selfish, keeping the former lovers apart. But still a little undecided as to whether he should tell Joan that Patrick was back in town, over Saturday’s dinner, Brian suddenly announced he was going to make a quick visit to his mother in the morning. Justin had looked at him knowingly, as only Justin could and realizing, even if Brian didn’t, that the man would do the right thing. He always did, even if it hadn’t always appeared to be for the right reasons.
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So, on Saturday evening, with the kids tucked up in their beds, Justin handed Brian a small nightcap and curled up beside him on the sofa. The evenings were getting much warmer now and the French windows onto the garden were open to let in the breeze.
“Well?” said Brian quietly, and he took a sip of his drink.
“Well what?” asked Justin, even though he probably knew what Brian was referring to.
“I know you have an opinion on Patrick … so … let’s hear it,” continued Brian and, in the low light, Justin shrugged.
“You know what my opinion is … I don’t think I need to go over it.”
“What really needs to happen is for you to talk over your feelings … your reservations.”
“At the end of the day … it doesn’t really matter what I think … it’s what you think that’s important,” proclaimed the younger man. Brian sighed, but he also nodded his agreement. And if he could talk this over with anyone and listen to anyone else‘s point of view, it would be Justin.
In the past, facing up to his feelings was something Brian had avoided. Acknowledging his love for Justin came so much easier now. But confronting his feelings concerning his father; whether it be Jack or Patrick, was uncomfortable territory and he took a deep breath.
“Why do I need another father?” asked Brian, quite simply.
“The last one wanted me aborted … remember? Not exactly conducive to a warm, loving relationship,” he continued and said with obvious bitterness and indicating some still deep rooted resentment.
“I can’t imagine how you felt … growing up … believing you weren’t loved or wanted,” stated Justin, his heart breaking at his partner’s childhood pain and Brian momentarily closed his eyes and shook his head.
“It took me a long time to get to a point where it didn’t matter any more,” replied the older man and Justin nodded, acknowledging the man’s statement, though he doubted that was true. It had always mattered to Brian and had resulted in the belief that it must be his fault that his own parents didn’t love him.
“Jack was a bully,” observed Justin and then something occurred to him; something that Brian would probably not admit, even to himself, even though as a kid, he was powerless to fight back.
“You were scared of him,” stated Justin, out of the blue and a total shot in the dark.
Brian blinked as he took that statement onboard. Acknowledging fear would admit just how vulnerable he’d felt during his childhood; unable to control a situation while at the mercy of a larger, stronger man. Ashamed that he was unable to fight back until he‘d grown taller and stronger and emotionally more able to stand up to him.
When Brian was a child, any tears shed seemed to spur Jack on. Succeeding in making his son cry out, whether in fear or pain, brought out in Jack his contempt for what he saw as weakness and added fuel to the fire. Vulnerabilities that had followed Brian into adulthood, believing any show of emotion to be avoided at all costs. Coupled with the certain knowledge that he was unloved; emotion led to pain. Unloved = unlovable in Brian‘s mind. So what was the point in trying to form any attachments with anyone? But that didn’t stop you trying to prove how desirable you were. Love in its most fleeting of forms. Something only to be measured by your desirability and the number of men who would so readily sleep with you, but who would then move on to the next guy; someone younger no doubt.
With Brian’s failure to respond to his statement, Justin knew he’d hit home and reaching out, placed his hand gently at the back of the older man’s neck; a mutually shared gesture of love and support.
“You were only a kid, Brian,” whispered Justin. “You can’t blame yourself for not being able to stand up to him then.”
“Jack was hardly a good example of fatherhood,” he continued. “He abused that role in the worst possible way.”
“But if he knew for sure he wasn’t my father?” asked Brian frowning and Justin shook his head. “That’s no excuse to take it out on you.”
“No-one can help how they come into this world,” observed the younger man.
“You were a kid … dependent on the adults in your life.”
“You should have been able to trust them,” and Justin sighed.
“Parenting isn’t easy … I know that now and I’ve only been at it for five minutes,” he admitted.
“It’s one of the few things that doesn’t come with an instruction manual … but if you love your kids you’ll work it out.”
“But being a parent doesn‘t give you any right to lay into your kids when you‘ve had a bad day or things aren‘t working out.”
One thing Justin couldn’t lay at his own parent’s door was a miserable childhood. Despite his father not wanting to know him now, as a kid, Justin believed he was loved and wanted by both his parents. He’d never known what it was like to feel afraid of either of them or ever doubt they would be there for him. Until now. He knew his mom would always be there, but if only his father knew what he’d given up. Something Justin now appreciated more than ever, with having Soleil in his life.
“You even had doubts about yourself in the beginning … not wanting any involvement with Gus,” reminded Justin.
Silently, Brian winced and shook his head. His mantra of no apologies and no regrets turned on its head. How could he ever have been so stupid as to not want any involvement in his son’s life? Playing only cameo roles when it suited him. Forced into taking action only on the death of Lindsay and Melanie. Only to discover the most fantastic and fulfilling role of his life; that of a father.
As far as Brian was concerned, his parents had never demonstrated any real love or parental concerns. They’d barely spoken to one another, let alone showed interest in either of their children and what they were doing or achieving. It had been a total shock to them when Brian had won the college scholarship, though Jack derided Brian, stating it was only for his soccer skills and that he’d never become anything worthwhile. But that had been the spur Brian needed to get his head down and gain as many qualifications as he could. What had led to a successful early career in advertising and had culminated in owning his own, still-growing, extremely successful company. While Jack Kinney had remained in the same, dead end job all his life, with little or no expectations of furthering his career and seemingly not wanting to.
It was fear; fear of turning into Jack and fucking up on all fronts like he had that had led to Brian’s strong work ethic and many achievements. But it had also prevented him forming an early bond with his son and sustaining any real, lasting, loving attachments; until a certain, tenacious 17 year old blond had entered his life all those years ago. But even then, it had taken too many lost years before Brian could admit it.
Brian closed his eyes, realizing just how much he’d been afraid during his life. Brian’s bravado and self-assuredness only surface deep and masking doubts and fears of failure and rejection, which he’d only really begun to emerge from in the last few years.
And it was fear of rejection that was still holding him back, even though Patrick had made it very clear that he wanted to get to know him.
“We’ve both lost out on huge parts of our kids’ lives,” stated Justin, cutting across Brian’s thoughts.
“You understand what it means to be a father now … and you’re doing an amazing job … while I’m only just beginning to understand what it all means.”
“You love Gus and he knows that above everything else,” continued Justin, taking advantage of Brian‘s receptive mood.
“But you missed out on what? 10 years?” he asked him and Brian nodded. “I missed out on 12 years of Soleil’s life,” continued the younger man, with obvious sadness. “Without even knowing she existed.”
“And I know I speak for both of us when I say how much I regret missing out on all those years.”
“But just think .. Patrick’s missed out on over 40 years of your life.”
“40 years of not being able to watch you grow into a man and experience everything that means along the way.”
“But you’ve missed out on those 40 years too,” reminded Justin and he took a much needed breath.
“There’s nothing that says he has to be like Jack,” pointed out Justin, continuing. “If he were … I don’t think Joan would have loved him like she did.”
“The both of you deserve the chance to get to know each other,” he continued and Brian sighed. “What if he doesn’t like what he finds?” came the question, Brian speaking for the first time in what seemed like forever and Justin shrugged.
“That works both ways.”
“But if you don’t try … you’ll never know.”
“And you can’t tell me you won’t have any regrets at all if you pass up this opportunity.”
“It might be your last chance,” pointed out the younger man and allowing himself a smile, Brian reached out to put his arm around Justin’s shoulders.
“For someone who said his opinion didn’t count … you make a very good case,” Brian told him and he saw Justin look away as he tried to suppress a grin.
“Is this how it’s always gonna be?” Brian then asked him and Justin frowned back at him in confusion. “You giving me these little pep talks,” expanded Brian and Justin openly grinned at him . “Only when I think it’s necessary,” he answered and Brian groaned. “Then I guess I’d better get used to it,” came the resigned, but grateful answer.
Brian knew he still had difficulty confronting his past, but every time he did, he grew stronger. Justin made him face up to things he’d let lie dormant and often unresolved and he hoped that the younger man would always love him enough and care enough to challenge him; make him think. In just the same way that Brian had always challenged Justin in what the younger man could achieve and aspire too. A match surely made in heaven.
When Brian feared he’d turn into Jack, it was when he’d believed that man to be his father and conditioned by his upbringing. But on the face of it, Patrick seemed like someone a little more like himself. He’d struck out on his own and built up a successful company from nothing, the same way Brian had. They had that common ground at least. And his mother had obviously loved the man; enough to even consider going against her religion and breaking her wedding vows.
But did Brian have the courage to explore his relationship with Patrick? He’d asked Justin: “Why did he need another father?” Surely he didn’t, not at his age or time in his life. Or did he? Would not the benefits outweigh any disadvantages? Certainly Justin would welcome Craig back into his life should the man suffer a change of heart. And what did age matter anyhow? Given the chance, is anyone ever really too old or reach a stage in their lives when they wouldn’t rather have their parents around? At least those that are blessed with loving parents who care enough to do everything in their power to help and protect you; whether you’re five, 15 or 50.
Children and their parents; an inextricable bond with those out of whose body created your very existence. Whether through growing inside your mother’s womb or the seed that planted you there in the first place.
Did that bond exist between Brian and Patrick, unknowingly and despite being totally unaware the other one existed until now? Just waiting to be explored and enjoyed?
Brian knew there was only one way to find out.
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Brian had intended catching his mother before she went to church, knowing that she could always attend evening mass later; betting she would probably most certainly want to go to church once he’d told her why he was visiting on this occasion, having overnight decided there was no way he could keep Patrick‘s visit a secret.
But with every mile he drove bringing him closer to the city, Brian knew he had to see Patrick first for his own peace of mind and that he couldn’t put their meeting off any longer. Justin was right, he’d always wonder how things might have turned out if he didn’t at least meet up with him again and give them both a chance. Putting it off wasn’t likely to make it any easier and he might as well get this part out of the way.
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Patrick couldn’t help feeling disappointed at Brian’s reaction to their meeting, even though he knew it was understandable. It was late by the time he got back to The Renaissance on Friday evening, having driven around for a while, reluctant to return to an impersonal hotel suite. It was too late for the restaurant, not that he felt much like eating even half the sandwich he ordered from room service.
Laying down on the bed, Patrick suddenly felt tired. He’d come a long way; 40 odd years and a life time in fact and having made the discovery that Brian was indeed his son, hated the thought that he might have to go home with nothing resolved between them. Finally, with sleep difficult to obtain and only fitful at that, he drifted off.
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With it now confirmed that Joan was the mother of his child, Patrick was desperate to meet up with her and decided to take things into his own hands, despite Brian’s statement that she wasn’t up to meeting him. And, on Saturday morning, he started to look up the numerous Kinneys in the phone book and was moderately surprised, but relieved, to find Joan listed and at the same address she‘d always lived at with Jack. But instead of calling her out of the blue, Patrick drove over there, knowing it was better to talk face to face than over a telephone line. Of course when he got there, he found the house empty, but a neighbor, out in front of his own house and mowing his lawn, was able to tell him that Joan had been sick and was currently staying with her daughter. But unfortunately, he didn’t know Claire’s married name.
Thankfully, at the last moment, before he’d left home, Patrick had thought to pack an old address book and, after a few dead ends, found a cousin he hadn‘t seen in well over 40 years. The cousin had wanted to chat, but trying to terminate the conversation as quickly and politely as possible, Patrick was able to discover Claire‘s married name and, subsequently, a listing for her in the book as well. But his running around and his initial fruitless search, had taken up most of the day. He’d seek out Claire, and hopefully, Joan, in the morning.
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Patrick rarely slept in and a little nervous at the prospect of finding Joan, this Sunday morning was no exception and by 6:30am., he was already in the hotel’s gym for a light workout. He really preferred to run these days, but out in the country air, not in the city. Then, after a swim in the pool, Patrick returned to his room to shower and dress before going down for breakfast and then venturing out. He’d almost got down to the hotel garage when he realized he’d left the car keys on the dresser and had to return. Consequently, he was only now in the process of leaving his room when the phone rang, announcing Mr. Brian Kinney’s arrival.
Even though Patrick had been eager to try and meet up with Joan, the news that his son was downstairs and wanting to meet him had the man’s heart missing a beat in excited anticipation.
“Send him up,” instructed Patrick eagerly and he had to fight down the urge to open the door and be seen waiting; he had the feeling Brian wouldn’t like it if he seemed that keen.
Five seemingly endless minutes later, came the knock on the door. If only the two men could have seen each other, separated as they were by the flimsiest of barriers. Having located Patrick’s room and standing out in the hallway, Brian had taken a deep breath before knocking. On the other side, Patrick took a deep breath before opening the door and the two men faced each other again.
“I’m glad you came,” admitted Patrick smiling and Brian shrugged. “I just think we both need to know where we stand,” he answered him and Patrick frowned. He’d assumed by merely coming here, Brian was demonstrating his willingness to allow Patrick to get to know him, but now Patrick wasn’t so sure.
Brian saw Patrick hesitate, unable to hide his disappointment at Brian’s response and Brian inwardly sighed, knowing he was still holding back. Opening up to people he knew was bad enough. Opening up to a relative stranger, regardless of their blood tie would take all the courage he possessed.
“Do you want coffee? I can order up coffee,” offered Patrick, closing the door, but Brian shook his head. “I’m fine,” came the answer and Patrick sighed. “I guess it couldn’t have been easy … you coming here,” stated the older man and Brian nodded. “Couldn’t have been easy for you either …”
“Coming all the way from Texas I mean,” conceded Brian and Patrick shrugged. “Once I thought about it … I had to know.”
“I’m glad I did,” he continued and he hesitated before venturing further. “I’m also hoping we can move things forward and …”
“And you must too … otherwise why come here this morning?”
Patrick held Brian’s gaze, almost defying him to deny he must want something from their relationship, otherwise why indeed, had he bothered to come here this morning.
“I’m …” Brian took a deep breath. “I’m not sure what I want,” he admitted and Patrick nodded. “That’s understandable,” and he indicated the sofa, inviting Brian to sit down.
“How long have you known about me?” asked Patrick, trying to tie up a few loose ends.
“Since a little before Christmas,” came the answer, surprising the older man. “Did Joan just decide to tell you?” asked Patrick and Brian shook his head.
“It was when Joan … mom … had her heart attack,” answered Brian.
“Claire and I had gone to the house to collect her things for hospital … I found the letter you wrote to her.”
“She kept it … all these years?” asked Patrick, dumbfounded and Brian nodded and then looked down at his hands while he made up his mind what to say next. And then having made up his mind, he looked back up at him.
“She wrote back to you, you know,” Brian told him and he saw Patrick blink and then swallow as he continued.
“She’d just found out she was pregnant … and she wanted to leave Jack and join you,“ stated Brian, realizing that Patrick had a right to know.
Patrick closed his eyes at Brian’s words and shook his head. “I never got it,” he informed him, his voice quiet and Brian nodded. “I know … it came back ‘Return to Sender’ and then she couldn‘t find you.”
“And then Jack came home …” Brian’s voice trailed off as if to say ‘and the rest is history’.
Feeling his legs wobble, Patrick flopped down into an armchair facing Brian, feeling physically sick. “I thought she’d decided her life was with Jack,” stated Patrick, remembering how his heart had sunk so much when he‘d telephoned that time and Jack had told him Joan was pregnant. Brian shook his head. “She didn’t have a lot of choice … with a kid on the way and no way of getting in touch with its father … she was trapped,” stated Brian, realizing again the pain his mother must have gone through all those years ago.
“She loved you,” stated Brian and he saw Patrick close his eyes. The man looked devastated. For so many years he’d thought the woman he loved had simply decided she didn’t want to be with him after all. Instead, her reply telling him she loved him and wanted to be with him just never reached him and the two lovers lost touch completely.
“I wish I’d known,” stated Patrick. “And I wish I’d known about you,” he continued and Brian could clearly hear the emotion in the man’s voice and he looked away. Patrick frowned. “Is that so hard to believe?” he asked him, moving forward in his seat and seeing Brian’s distrust etched on his face.
“I’d have willingly brought up Claire as my own … so if I’d found out Joan was having my child … my son … I wouldn’t have abandoned her … or you.”
“Joan …“ Patrick hesitated; talking about the depth of his love had never come easy. “Joan was the love of my life,” admitted Patrick eventually and he saw Brian look down at his hands, obviously embarrassed at the man opening up about his feelings. But Patrick knew now that if he wanted Brian to let him into his life, he had to be honest and let him know exactly how he’d felt; how he still felt.
“She was very beautiful,” stated Patrick and suddenly remembering, he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his wallet. From inside he produced a small, black and white photograph and managing to get to his feet, he handed it to Brian. “We used to go to a park … I took this just before I left Pittsburgh.”
Looking at the photograph, Brian frowned. He’d seen a couple of photographs of Jack when he was younger, including one of the man in uniform, but he couldn’t recall any of his mom.
Patrick was right, Joan had been a very beautiful woman, but then she was still quite striking.
In the photograph, with Claire on her lap, Joan was sitting on the ground on a picnic blanket. She was looking straight at the camera and laughing in a way Brian had never seen his mom laugh before. So completely relaxed and happy. And this man had kept this photograph in his wallet for over forty years.
“Your mom had so much life … she was so different when she was away from Jack … even I could see that,” stated Patrick and reaching out he took the photograph back from Brian, who in all honesty, was reluctant to let it go, never seeing his mom that way before.
“Somehow … we managed to forget she was married … it was like we could pretend we were a family … Joan, Claire and me,” continued the older man, wistfully studying the photograph and Brian remembered his mom saying almost those same words.
“Joan used to make me feel like I was the only man alive,” smiled Patrick, sitting back down again and he looked over at Brian. “She had so much love … so much laughter and passion …” and he stopped as he saw Brian frown. “What … difficult to imagine your mom as a woman with those kind of feelings?” he asked him and Brian nodded.
“Something like that,” came the answer and Patrick nodded as he recalled the effect Joan had on him.
Patrick had loved everything about Joan; the way she wore her hair, how she dressed and even how she’d smelled. And when she touched him it wasn’t difficult to believe he could be the only man on earth who felt the way this woman made him feel. And for Joan, she’d had exactly the same feelings for this man as they lay together; the way he touched and caressed her skin in a way that Jack could never dream of doing.
Patrick might never have actually told her he loved her when they were together, but he didn’t have to. Patrick’s touch did his talking for him.
And with that touch, Patrick made Joan feel like a woman in a way that Jack would never be able and the way she responded to Patrick did indeed make him feel as if he were the only man alive. When they were together, it was as if they were the only people that really mattered, cut off from the world around them.
“She loved to dance too,” added Patrick and Brian blinked as he tried to take in this image of his mother that he’d never known. Certainly, he’d realized how capable she was of loving someone; he could tell how much she’d loved Patrick from just hearing her talking of him. But hearing her as someone with so much passion, laughter and zest for life as described by Patrick only made Brian realize how Jack had smothered and suppressed her natural personality; trapping Joan in a loveless marriage from which she was unable to break free. No wonder she had turned to the church and immersed herself as a means of relief and escape.
“I never wanted to leave,” sighed Patrick with obvious regret.
“But when I got the job offer … it was too good to turn down.”
“I knew it could mean a whole new life … and I missed her so much …”
“So I wrote to Joan right away … finally summoned up the courage to tell her how I felt and that I wanted us to be together.”
“But then I got sick with the mumps … and when I got better … the gang of guys I was with was moved up to Canada.”
“I tried to call later … but you know that,” stated Patrick, reminding Brian of their earlier conversation.
“And when I found out that Jack was back and Joan was pregnant … I thought that was it … that it was over between us”.
“If I’d known the truth …”
“If I’d known she would have left Jack … I would have come back for her,” asserted Patrick and nodding, Brian realized he believed him.
“And I certainly would have come back if I’d known about you,” continued Patrick and he saw Brian blink. “What? Don’t you believe me?”
“Do you really think I’d abandon my own flesh and blood?” asked the older man and Brian frowned. Patrick sounded genuine, but there were things about himself that so far, Brian hadn’t discussed with the man and he shook his head.
“There’s things about me you don’t know,” stated Brian, realizing he was approaching the stage beyond which there may not be any point in continuing this conversation and he saw Patrick smile.
“You mean the fact you’re gay?” asked Patrick and, after hesitating, Brian couldn’t help smiling in return.
“That easy to spot, huh?” he chuckled and Patrick shrugged. “You mean just looking at you? No,” he answered. Patrick knew from his own friendship with Edward and Peter that gay didn’t necessarily mean effeminate and from where he was standing, Brian was certainly a very masculine gay man.
“But I had sorta guessed before I met you,” he confessed and Brian frowned in confusion. “The picture I saw of you … it was when you were at some charity function at the Pittsburgh Gay and Lesbian Center,” Patrick informed him. “So I had wondered.”
“But then when I saw you with Justin …” Patrick let the sentence hang and Brian smiled.
“Then I guess this is where you tell me you don’t approve,” stated Brian, slowly getting to his feet, but Patrick shook his head. “Why?” and he heard Brian’s bemused chuckle .
“What?” asked the younger man.
“Are you going to tell me you’re actually glad to have a fag for a son?” asked Brian and he saw Patrick hesitate before standing up and looking him straight in the eye.
Having discovered Brian’s photograph in an article covering a fund raising event for Pittsburgh’s Gay & Lesbian Center, it had occurred to Patrick that Brian might be gay and, when he‘d had time to himself, he’d tried to decide what bearing that might have on their relationship, should Brian turn out to be his son after all.
Most men would want their sons to be in their image, admitted Patrick. But he’d never expected to have any children: a life-long regret.
“Would you believe me if I said it didn’t make any difference?” asked Patrick and Brian shook his head. “No,” came the response he’d been expecting and Patrick nodded. “You’re right.”
“If I could choose … I wouldn’t choose a child of mine be gay,” stated Patrick and now it was Brian who nodded; at least Patrick was honest about it and Brian looked around, locating the door. That was probably his cue to leave.
“But not for the reason you think,” the older man continued urgently, realizing Brian thought that would be the end of whatever relationship there might have been between them and Brian frowned at him.
Patrick took a deep breath. “I have someone who works for me … actually … he’s much more than an employee … he’s a good friend …” Patrick stopped as he saw Brian momentarily close his eyes, shake his head and smile.
“You think ‘cos you employ a gay man that qualifies you to claim to be ‘gay-friendly’ … that you understand us?” asked Brian, mockingly.
“I don’t claim to be anything, Brian,” was Patrick’s answer. “But Edward is a friend … a good friend.”
“I’ve known him for ten years … and I’d like to think we’re pretty close.“
“And the last thing that ever occurs to me about him is that he’s gay.”
“The man’s sexuality has never been an issue with me.”
“But I’ve heard stories of how it was for him … growing up in a small, close-knit town in Texas … thinking he was the only gay man … “
“And then the bigotry … attacks even … when people found out he was gay.”
“And then actually getting fired from jobs because his boss found out … getting spat at …”
“There’s no way on God’s earth would I want a son of mine to go through that by choice,” and Patrick took a breath and then took a step closer to Brian to try and emphasize his words.
“But that doesn’t mean I’d love him any less,” stated Patrick and Brian blinked, hearing as he did, the genuineness in Patrick’s tone.
“That I could love you less …” came the words that Brian never dreamt he’d hear.
“That I couldn’t be proud to be your father,“ continued Patrick, quietly and looking at him, Brian met Patrick’s gaze; those hazel eyes peering into his with all the sincerity the older man could muster.
“I never expected to be a father,” Patrick reminded him. “And now I find that … not only do I have a son … but that I have a grandson too.”
“You have absolutely no idea how much that means to me,” admitted the older man, trying to keep his voice steady. And that, indeed, had been the conclusion that Patrick had arrived at when he’d seen Brian’s actions towards Justin and realized without a shadow of a doubt that he was gay. All that mattered was that here, standing before him, was the son he thought he‘d never have.
Patrick sighed. “I know it’s probably too late … that the last thing you need in your life right now is a father,” stated Patrick, eerily reminding Brian of his conversation with Justin. “But I’d still like to be part of your life … if you’d let me,” asked Patrick, his stomach churning nervously as he waited for Brian’s answer.
Looking at the man and trying to gauge what was going on in his head and his heart, Brian knew Patrick was nothing like Jack. It would appear the two brothers had very little in common and didn’t even really look alike.
Remembering when he‘d told Jack that he was gay and hearing the man tell him he should be the one dying, not him, with Jack‘s days numbered owing to the cancer spreading within him, Brian couldn‘t help thinking how Patrick would have reacted. Seeing the man’s sincerity and the way he was reaching out to him, despite knowing he was gay, Brian knew that after the initial shock, Patrick would have embraced him and told him it didn’t matter. That he was still his son.
Slowly, Brian swallowed and then nodded. “I um …“
“I think Gus would like a grandpa,” stated Brian and Patrick frowned before smiling broadly at him. That obviously meant yes.
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Patrick had wanted to know so much about Brian’s childhood that he was in danger of firing off non-stop questions and had to hold himself back.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized. “It’s just that … I know I’ve missed out on so much.”
Brian couldn’t help grinning. “I hope you don’t expect me to recall the last 42 years in one go,” he chuckled and grinning back, Patrick shook his head. “Nor me,“ he added, but then he frowned, remembering something from their previous meeting.
“You said something about Jack that made me think … about your relationship?” asked Patrick, taking a sip of fresh coffee that he’d ordered up from room service and he saw Brian’s expression change to one of obvious sadness and he hesitated.
“Brian?” continued Patrick and his son sighed.
“Jack … Jack was a … a womaniser,” stated Brian and Patrick nodded. “He always did have an eye for the girls,” agreed Patrick. “Did he cheat on Joan?”
“Pretty much,” replied Brian and he looked down into his cup as he thought how to proceed. Patrick waited, realizing there was obviously more to it than that.
“He was also a drinker,” continued Brian and Patrick shrugged. “He always did like a drink too.“
“Our mother was always going off at him about that,“ informed Patrick, but he knew by Brian’s manner that wasn’t the end of it.
“What else, Brian?“ frowned Patrick and putting down his cup, Brian looked up at him.
“When he’d had a few … which was often …”
“He used to like to pick a fight.”
“Did he get into beefs with the guys he worked with?” asked Patrick, a little confused. Brian nodded. “Once or twice I think,” he confirmed from childhood memories.
“But mostly when he came home,” continued Brian, looking straight at Patrick and slowly, realization dawned.
“What?”
“He used to hit you?” asked Patrick and he saw Brian swallow. “I did seem to get in the way a lot,” disclosed the younger man with a pain in his voice that cut through Patrick like a knife.
Patrick closed his eyes and shook his head. He’d always known Jack had a temper, but to take it out on a child was unforgivable. Patrick opened his eyes and, when he did, Brian was looking right at him, and it seemed to Patrick, trying to decide what to tell him next.
“What else?” asked Patrick, wondering what the hell was coming next.
“He sometimes hit mom too,” whispered Brian.
Feeling the bile rise in his throat, Patrick got to his feet.
Here was his son; the son he never knew he had. Brought up by another man who apparently used him and his mother as punching bags and Patrick couldn’t prevent the tears prickling as he turned away.
Seeing Patrick’s obvious pain and perceived guilt, brought a lump to Brian’s own throat and he got to his feet, slowly crossing the floor between them. Reaching out, he laid a hand on the older man’s shoulder.
“It isn’t your fault,“ reassured Brian, but it was difficult for Patrick to accept that right now. Slowly, the man turned to face him.
“I am so … sorry.”
“I should have been there … I should have made sure I came back for you … you and Joan,” choked Patrick; the guilt he felt threatening to overtake him.
“It isn’t your fault,” repeated Brian, shaking his head. “I know you would have come back for us … if you’d known,” confirmed Brian. “But you didn’t.”
“That isn’t your fault … it’s no-one’s fault … it just didn’t happen,” stressed Brian, his own eyes shining, his hand still resting on his father‘s shoulder.
And that’s when that parent and child, father and son bond proved to be real; as sure as night follows day. They could feel it. Neither man needed to mention it. They just knew it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It took Patrick a few minutes and another cup of coffee to compose himself; in fact for both of them. Brian could see how much Patrick blamed himself for the pain his son had endured during childhood; a responsibility he could easily have shrugged off as having nothing to do with him. But he didn’t. As far as Patrick was concerned, he was Brian’s father and he should have been there to take care of him and Joan.
The next couple of hours, leaving certain parts of his past aside, Brian just went over the important bits; college, going into advertising and then eventually, branching out on his own and forming Kinnetik. Patrick also asked about Justin and then about Gus’ mother, a little confused how that all came about.
“No … I never married … though I had plenty of chances,” stated Patrick, answering one of Brian’s questions and it didn’t take a genius to understand why; no one had ever measured up to Joan.
There was so much they both wanted to know about each other and it was too easy to go off at a tangent; thinking of something and then totally going off in a different direction and they had to remind each other that there would be plenty of times like this.
Brian also managed to get Patrick to talk about those early days in Texas and then up in Canada. It sounded a pretty exciting experience for him back then and he knew Gus would be absolutely enthralled to hear his Grandpa’s tales. Just like he was.
Suddenly looking at his watch, Brian chuckled. They’d been talking for five hours and neither of them had given lunch a thought.
“I was gonna go over to mom … tell her you were in town,” confessed Brian and Patrick smiled. “I did a little digging myself,” replied Patrick, and then admitting how he’d managed to find Claire’s address.
“So how about we go over together?” he asked Brian and the younger man nodded in agreement.
(The next part follows immediately)