What's In A Name? Chapter Eleven:
What's In A Name? Chapter Eleven:
Seeing Brian’s photograph in the newspaper article had shaken him: It was like looking at himself twenty years younger.
It will probably turn out that Brian Kinney was, more likely, a distant relative, rationalized Patrick though he was beginning to realize why this man had phoned him, if he genuinely did believe him to be his father and he cursed himself for being so disinterested and dismissing the call out of hand. He probably should have taken it more seriously.
Over the following days, Patrick had been continually drawn back to Brian’s photograph and his growing curiosity was enough to consider initially putting a PI on the case.
Could he really have a son? A son of whom he had absolutely no knowledge? The idea was absurd, but the likeness was so striking, he decided it couldn’t be ignored after all. And, having made the decision that he couldn’t ignore the possibilities any longer, he knew he had to act and would do so himself; deciding it had taken him too long to do something as it was.
Patrick uncovered Brian’s home address in much the same manner Justin had discovered his. However, for the first time in a long time, his schedule was full and he just couldn’t get away.
But, at the first opportunity, Patrick cleared his calendar, booked his flight and then flew into Pittsburgh, booked himself into a hotel and then rented a car. He’d made his way out to the house, but had driven past twice without stopping and making contact and ended up parked in the curb up the street, sitting in the half-light, trying to decide what to do next. Then, as the daylight was quickly fading, he saw the man he was sure was Brian Kinney pull up onto the drive, for by the light from the porch, he couldn’t fail to make out his features.
Giving Brian a chance to get indoors, taking a very deep breath and steeling himself, Patrick got out of the car and made his way up the drive, hesitating only momentarily before ringing the doorbell.
He’d assumed the man he took to be Brian Kinney would answer the door, but in truth, he didn’t really know what to expect; the brief information on Kinnetik’s site never mentioned whether Brian had any family or not. Patrick hadn’t given a thought to who else might be in the house and was momentarily surprised when the door was opened by a younger man. Then he‘d heard another voice and a taller, older man had stepped into view. Brian.
“I know it’s probably getting a little late,” continued Patrick eventually, and as much to break the heavy silence as anything. He looked from Brian to Justin and back again, hoping his unexpected arrival on the man’s doorstep wouldn‘t be too much of a shock and that he wouldn‘t just tell him where to go.
“But I saw the lights on … and then you arrive home …” continued Patrick further, his voice trailing off as he continued to stare at Brian.
It was Justin who seemed to recover first and he stepped backwards, forcing Brian to also move from the spot he’d apparently been rooted to and Justin felt Brian’s hand slip from his shoulder as he too had finally realized who was standing on his doorstep.
“I think you’d better come in,” invited Justin and managing a slight smile, Patrick stepped in through the doorway.
“Thank you,” and he’d turned to face Brian straight on; the two men barely three feet apart and Brian found himself staring into those hazel eyes. Eyes that hadn’t missed the similarity to their own.
“I’m assuming it was you who called me?” asked Patrick and trying to regain his senses, Brian nodded.
“I’m sorry I didn’t listen … we obviously need to talk,” he continued and Brian nodded again, attempting to gather his thoughts together and decide what the hell he was going to say to the man now he had this unexpected opportunity.
Justin led the way to the living room with Patrick following and Brian bringing up the rear. To say the atmosphere was strained would be an understatement. But that wasn’t surprising considering the circumstances; two men, father and son, only now meeting for the very first time as adults.
Determined not to be overwhelmed with the situation, Brian managed to maintain an appearance of calm, while doing his utmost to ignore his stomach churning in anticipation. Despite his reaction on the telephone, Patrick was apparently open to discussion after all, otherwise why had he made the journey here? But for the life of him, at this moment, Brian couldn’t think of one single thing to ask him. Or even know if he now actually welcomed the meeting; after deciding the past was best left in the past and fearing the wounds that might yet be opened after all.
Patrick was also trying to curb his nerves and his excitement. Brian was his height, his coloring and general build, though Patrick was a little heavier and a little greyer now, in his early sixties. But Brian’s similarity to himself had to mean there was something in their genes to connect them more closely than he’d initially dared to think. And he was beginning to wonder if indeed this man could be his son. That would be beyond his wildest dreams.
Almost exactly the same thoughts were running through Brian’s mind. Seeing the small photograph of Patrick on his company’s website was one thing, but meeting the man in the flesh, now he realized what his mother had meant; watching her son grow up to be the image of his biological father. Bringing home to Joan every day her deceit and infidelity. The man’s hair was thinning and receding a little, but otherwise their likeness couldn’t be ignored; even Brian could see it. Patrick surely was his father.
Having led them into the living room, standing in front of the fireplace, Justin turned to face the two men and he fought back the urge to gasp. Brian, walking slowly passed Patrick’s shoulder as he came further into the room, was unmistakably of the same mould. Even if no-one knew the probable link between them, for anyone meeting them for the first time, it would have been so easy to take them as father and son, even to the point of Justin recognizing one of Brian’s mannerisms as he watched Patrick as the man rolled his lips into his mouth as he hesitated, wondering whether he should speak first and deciding that as he‘d taken the decision to follow up on the initial contact, that it probably was down to him.
“I realize how awkward this must be,” confessed Patrick and he watched Brian run his hand through his hair, something Patrick recognized he also did from time to time.
“But I did a little digging … and here I am,” continued the older man.
“Here you are,” echoed Brian, looking over at him and finally finding his voice, and ignoring a glance from Justin, who couldn‘t be sure, but thought he heard a note of sarcasm in his tone.
“Please take a seat,” offered Justin, as Brian seemed to have temporarily lost his manners and Patrick nodded in thanks and sat down on the sofa.
“Can I offer you coffee?” asked Justin, in an attempt to make Patrick feel more at ease and lift the tension with a little small talk; something neither he nor Brian had ever been terribly good at, if truth be known. Looking up at him, Patrick smiled. “Thank you …” he hesitated and Justin, realizing Patrick probably wouldn’t know who he was, decided to introduce himself.
“I’m Justin … Justin Taylor,” smiled the younger man and Patrick smiled back.
“It’s nice to meet you Justin,” stated Patrick and he looked from Justin over to Brian and, to the two other men, it was obvious he was trying to determine their relationship, seeing how familiar Brian obviously was with Justin as he’d joined the younger man in the front doorway.
“Justin’s my partner,” stated Brian, flatly. Unexpectedly, he stepped closer to Justin and slipped an arm around his waist, drawing him in close. Brian’s openly affectionate behavior in front of someone who, to all intents and purposes was still a stranger, initially confused Justin. Unless of course the man was trying to deliberately provoke a reaction. Maybe he was testing Patrick, wondered Justin suddenly. Knowing Brian from old, it wouldn’t be unlike him to deliberately put obstacles in Patrick’s way; almost giving the man an immediate reason to dislike him: An excuse Brian could use for when his relationship with his father failed to materialize. Some old fears and habits would never die, it seemed.
Seeing Brian so obviously demonstrate an intimacy with Justin, Patrick had blinked, but otherwise failed to react, though he couldn’t help noticing now that both men appeared to be wearing matching wedding bands. He also couldn’t fail to see Brian’s defiant pose in that jutted out jaw. He seemed to be waiting for Patrick to respond, realized the older man who acknowledged there was obviously a lot about this man he didn’t know, but Patrick hoped to rectify that situation. But before Patrick could say anything, Justin had moved a step away from Brian’s hold and turning, Justin looked up at the taller man.
“I’ll get that coffee … would you help me, Brian?”
Brian opened his mouth as if to question Justin’s request, but seeing the look in those now steely blue eyes boring into him, Brian excused himself and followed Justin out to the kitchen.
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“What?” asked Brian, at Justin’s yet unspoken question and having pushed the door to the kitchen almost closed behind them.
“Why the hell do you do that?” came the exasperated response from the younger man as Justin tried to keep his voice low. He made for the coffee pot on the hot plate. It hadn’t been made too long ago and was still very drinkable. He reached up into the cupboard above the counter for the china.
“Do what?” asked Brian innocently, his arms extended at his sides and he saw, and heard, Justin place the cups and saucers on a tray, probably a little more heavily than he should.
“You know damn well what I mean,” stated Justin, now reaching for the coffee pot and he poured out three drinks.
“I’m gay … we‘re gay, Justin,” exclaimed Brian. “If he can’t live with that … that’s too bad.”
“Are you saying I should be ashamed of who I am?”
“You’re asking me that?” demanded Justin, turning around to face him, still with coffee pot in hand. And of course, Brian couldn’t answer him.
“I know where you’re coming from … and I know it shouldn’t make any difference.”
“But it’s like you’re deliberately setting Patrick up to hate you … without giving him a chance to get to know you,” stated Justin, voicing his earlier thoughts, and replacing the coffee pot, he headed for the refrigerator and retrieving a carton, he poured the cream into a small jug.
“What do you expect me to do?” challenged Brian, not for the first time realizing Justin knew him only too well.
Placing the milk jug on the tray, Justin picked it up and turned to face him.
“He‘s obviously decided he could be your father after all,” stated Justin. “Otherwise why would he fly in all the way from Texas to meet you?”
“Just … just give the guy a chance,” pleaded Justin.
“Don’t set him up to fail.”
“Don’t set the both of you up to fail,” he elaborated, desperately wanting Brian not to throw this opportunity away. Momentarily, Brian closed his eyes. He could see how much Justin wanted this for him and the younger man was right. Of course it shouldn’t matter that he was gay, but most men would probably welcome a little notice of that in order to get used to the idea rather than have it shoved down their throat at the very first opportunity.
Almost reaching the kitchen door, Justin hesitated and turned back.
“I’ll serve coffee and then leave you to it … unless you want me to stay?“ asked Justin. Brian frowned and then nodding, reached up to affectingly stroke the back of Justin‘s neck. Asking for help never was his strong suit, but having some morale support would be welcome. “If you want to,“ answered Brian, which for most people would translate to: “I’d like that.” Justin, hearing the words, but also feeling the hand that lingered on his neck and understanding Kinney code, smiled his confirmation.
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Returning to the living room, Justin placed the tray on the coffee table, but Brian headed for the side table, deciding under the circumstances that he really wanted something a little stronger instead and he picked up the bottle of Beam.
“Patrick?” asked Brian as he turned around and proffered the bottle to their visitor. He’d hesitated before addressing the man. Mr. Kinney would be way too formal, but dad was unthinkable. Patrick shook his head at the offer. “I’m driving … thanks,” he answered him, still trying to control his nerves and, having been refused, Brian poured himself out a healthy shot.
Handing Patrick his coffee, Justin picked up his own and then took his seat at the other end of the sofa and watched his partner take a slow sip of his drink on the other side of the room.
“So … how did you find me?” asked Brian eventually and having taken a swallow of his own drink, Patrick smiled. “I was going to ask you the same thing,” he answered him.
“Justin found you,” answered Brian, and he sat down in an armchair facing the sofa. Patrick looked over at Justin for an explanation.
“I put ‘Patrick Kinney’ into a search engine … and eventually … after a few false starts … I found your company website,” revealed Justin and Patrick nodded.
“I did the same,“ confessed the older man.
“And that’s how I found you and Kinnetik,” stated Patrick, looking over at Brian and, placing his drink on the coffee table, Patrick frowned.
“I thought about your call … that you said your name was Kinney and you mentioned Pittsburgh … where I was born.“
“I was curious and did some digging,” continued Patrick and then he shrugged.
“I have to admit … I was skeptical at first … but when I saw your photograph … the likeness was striking … I wouldn’t be surprised if we didn’t turn out to be related in some way,” stated Patrick and he felt his heartbeat start to quicken in anticipation.
But … “ and he drew a deep breath to try and steady himself. “What makes you think I’m actually your father?”
“Because I have to tell you … it’s highly unlikely that’s possible,” he continued, if a little mysteriously.
“Well … apart from the obvious likeness,” answered Brian, wondering what Patrick‘s reaction would be to his next statement and then after taking another sip of his drink, he spoke slowly.
“Joan Kinney is my mother … she was married to Jack Kinney.”
“Jack had a younger brother … Patrick.”
“I believe that’s you.”
The expression on Patrick’s face as he heard Brian’s words and realization slowly dawned, changed from curious to utter incredulity and shock.
“Jack … Joan Kinney?” repeated Patrick, his voice now hushed and the catch in his voice was unmistakable as the man tried to hold in his emotions and he sat back into the deep cushions of the sofa as he tried to take it in.
“Joan and Jack?” he repeated, his voice a mere whisper now and Justin’s heart went out to the man, seeing how shocked he was at the revelation. Even Brian couldn’t fail to see how the man was affected by the discovery. But there was a lot he wanted to know and understand about Patrick Kinney before he decided what relevance this man would have to him, if any.
Patrick shook his head in confusion. “Yes … I have a brother Jack … though we were never close and lost contact years ago,” and he frowned. “Is Jack still alive?” Brian shook his head. “He’s been dead 13 years,” came the answer and Patrick sighed. “I’m sorry to hear that,” stated Patrick, at the news of his brother.
“But … but what makes you think you’re my son … and not his?”
“And what about Joan?” asked Patrick, genuinely keen for news.
“Then … you don’t deny you had an affair with my mother? Your own brother‘s wife?”
“While he was away serving his country?“ demanded Brian, refusing to answer the man’s questions and he saw Patrick swallow and shift uncomfortably in his seat.
Patrick rarely felt threatened or intimidated, but Brian’s tone was definitely accusatory. His brief but intense relationship with Joan had been the happiest time of his life and to be reminded of the woman he’d lost tore at his heart. But hearing Brian’s words, it was if someone had grabbed hold of his insides and twisted. He’d made it sound like Joan and Patrick’s relationship was something to be ashamed of.
“I loved Joan,” stated Patrick, unable to disguise the fact that he felt offended by Brian’s accusations, but not wanting to admit that he still loved her, even to this day.
“But when you say it like that … you make what we had sound … dirty … even sordid,” he continued and Brian shrugged. “They’re your words,” he countered.
With the man opposite looking directly at him so obviously disapproving, Patrick was beginning to question the wisdom of seeking him out after all. He might be his son, but it would seem on the face of it that Brian resented the relationship Joan had had with Patrick. But then it dawned on him that Brian had probably been very upset to discover the fact that Jack wasn’t his father after all. As any son might be, he concluded; finding out the man you loved and who had brought you up wasn’t your biological father as you’d always been led to believe.
“Tell me,” asked Brian, and frowning, Justin looked over at his partner. There was that edge in the man’s voice again.
“Why didn’t you try and get in touch with her again … if you loved her as much as you say you did?”
“Or had you just got what you wanted and moved on … without a thought for her?” accused Brian again.
“No,” stated Patrick, vehemently. “When I left … it was for a better job and hopefully … a better life … and I wanted Joan to be part of that.”
“I wrote to her … but when I didn’t hear back from her … I assumed she’d decided her life was with Jack after all.”
“You didn’t think to write again … or try and call her?” asked Brian. “I know it was the early 70’s … but didn’t they have any phones in Texas?” And there was that definite note of derision again.
“I did … I did try calling her,” came Patrick’s rather unexpected reply.
“I got to thinking that maybe Joan had written back … but that maybe it hadn’t caught up with me … so I tried calling her.”
“It had been a while … it must have been six or seven months after I left … ‘cos a couple of months after I started work … I got sick.”
“And then the oil company I worked for kept moving us around … we even had a spell in Canada.“
Brian nodded. “A great place for dodging the draft, I believe,” came the sarcastic response.
“I didn’t set out to dodge the draft,” informed Patrick, defiantly, and confused by Brian’s attacks on him. “But it just didn’t happen … I just didn’t get called up.”
“I’m sorry Jack did … but it wasn’t my fault I didn’t.”
Brian looked down into his drink, but didn’t respond to the man‘s statement. But he did believe Patrick was genuine and obviously had no idea at all that Joan had been pregnant when he‘d left her, but then again, neither did Joan. But despite that fact, it would seem Brian couldn’t help being suspicious of him.
“So what happened when you called her?” asked Brian, now looking up and deciding not to allow the man to know, just yet, that Joan had replied to his letter. But he was now curious; his mother had never said Patrick called her.
“Well, the first time there wasn’t any answer,“ replied Patrick. “And the next time I was able to call … Jack picked up.”
“I was thrown … I didn’t know he was back … and I’m sure he wondered why the hell I was calling … we were never really big on communication.”
“So … what did you do?” asked Brian.
“I just asked how they were and said I’d meant to see if Joan had heard from him … and I asked him how he was … coming back from Vietnam,” answered Patrick.
“When I asked after Joan … he said she was out … but that she was doing good ... and that she was pregnant again.”
“He sounded … pleased … or so I thought … so I assumed Joan had decided to stay with Jack after all … and that they were having another child together.”
“I didn’t think for one minute that it could be mine,” stressed Patrick, but remembering how his heart had sunk at the news.
“When I called … you dismissed me out of hand,” Brian told him, obviously still rankling from the brush off Patrick had given him that day. Patrick looked down at his hands, obviously a little embarrassed by what he was about to reveal.
“I know … I shouldn’t have done that … but the reason I thought I couldn’t be your father … anyone’s father … is that when I was sick that time … I caught mumps.”
“Afterwards … the doctor told me I was sterile … so I never expected to have any kids,“ continued Patrick, a tinge of wistfulness in his voice.
“But you did … you had me,“ Brian told him.
“Joan’s sure?“
“What? You think she slept around while Jack was away?“ challenged Brian and he saw Patrick shake his head in frustration as much as denial.
“That’s not what I meant.“
“But Jack must have come back not too long after I left … I naturally thought the baby he mentioned was his.“
“Yeah … she’s sure,” confirmed Brian and he saw Patrick nod slightly as he accepted Brian was certainly his son. But why didn‘t he feel as ecstatic as he thought he would at this news? Patrick supposed he couldn’t really be surprised by Brian’s apparent hostility. Many years had passed where he’d never known that Brian existed and had therefore failed to seek him out. There was obviously a lot that needed to be done before there was even the remotest possibility that there might be some sort of relationship with the man. But Patrick hadn’t come this far to be put off that easy.
“How is Joan?” asked the older man again.
“She had a heart attack … but she’s getting better,” came Brian’s flat reply.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” stated Patrick, genuinely concerned at the news regarding Joan’s health.
“I’d like to see her while I’m in town,” he continued, but Brian shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he told him. “She isn’t as strong as she used to be.”
Patrick nodded disappointedly, and he sighed.
“So … where do we go from here?“
“There’s so much I want to ask you,” confessed Patrick. With the confirmation that Brian was indeed his son, Patrick wanted to know as much as he could about him and, maybe, start to build a few bridges if he let him. But he saw Brian roll his lips into his mouth and look away. He obviously didn’t intend giving anything of himself lightly. Patrick was going to have to work for everything, so, he decided to make the offer first.
“Is there anything you want to know about me? There must be something?” asked Patrick eagerly, but Brian merely shrugged.
“I don’t know what you want me to say … or do,” frowned Patrick, a feeling of despair starting to creep over him. With Joan confirming he was Brian’s father, a situation Patrick never thought he’d experience, he was totally at a loss. What should he say to the man? What could he say? What should he do? What was Brian expecting him to do?
“I guess it must have been a helluva shock … finding out Jack wasn’t your father,” conceded Patrick. “I hope it doesn’t ruin the memories of the relationship you had with him.”
“What?” asked Brian in confusion.
“I mean … you … you loved the man … I don’t want to ruin that,” continued Patrick and he frowned at Brian’s wry chuckle.
“Love isn’t exactly the sentiment I’d choose when describing the relationship I had with Jack,” Brian informed him.
“I don’t understand,” came Patrick’s confused answer and Brian shook his head.
“It doesn’t matter,” sighed Brian, not wanting to elaborate or be drawn into any discussion about Jack. But looking at the flicker of pain that flitted briefly across the man’s eyes, Patrick realized there was a lot more behind Brian’s words than he was prepared to talk about. Jack could be difficult, Patrick knew that from when they were kids, even with the ten year age gap. But what if Jack had guessed Brian wasn’t his son after all? What sort of relationship had they really had? Could Jack have known Patrick was Brian’s father?
Listening silently to the two men, Justin looked first at Patrick and then at Brian. And, not for the first time did he wonder whether this discussion was something that only father and son should be privy to. But before he could suggest withdrawing to allow them privacy, Patrick spoke again.
He smiled at Brian; he wasn‘t going to give up. He was his son after all.
“We’ve a lot to find out about each other … I really want to get to know you, Brian.”
“We probably have a lot in common …”
Brian blinked and felt his stomach churn; he‘d been forcing the feeling down now for the last fifteen minutes. Having come to terms with his stormy relationship with Jack, there was no way he wanted to enter into another one with Patrick. To be fair, the man seemed genuine in his wish to get to know his son, despite the fact that Brian feared once he did, he‘d discover someone he didn‘t like. Patrick’s need to know about him scared the shit out of Brian. Things were moving far too fast and he desperately sought to maintain control of the situation and suddenly, he stood up.
“Look … I appreciate your honesty and the fact that you came all the way back here … but don’t worry … I’m not expecting anything from you.”
Patrick frowned. “So what next?” he asked him and Brian shrugged. “Like I said … I’m not expecting anything from you … so …”
Patrick blinked and rubbed the bridge of his nose as he tried to understand what was going on. Was Brian giving him a cue that he was bringing this encounter to an end? Already?
“What? You want me to leave?“
“Is that it?”
“Without really finding anything out about each other?” asked the older man in confusion and obvious disappointment, but Brian merely shrugged.
In all honesty, Brian hadn’t been prepared for this meeting and had no idea what to expect from a surprise encounter with his father; his real father. But what he’d already decided was that there was probably no point in getting in deeper. The man was a stranger who, for the moment at least, knew very little about him and it might as well stay that way. That way, no-one would get hurt.
“Look … I don’t expect to be welcomed with open arms,” Patrick told him. “But the truth is … I didn’t desert your mother if that’s what you were thinking.”
“I loved her … and I wanted to start a new life with her … but it just didn’t happen.”
“And then out of the blue … you show up … and I came all the way back here because of the slimmest of chances we could be related.”
“That by some miracle, I might even be your father ...”
“And you’re not gonna give me the chance to get to know you?”
“Dad … is everything okay?” came the small voice from the doorway. Unnoticed by anyone in the room, Gus, who up until now had been in his bedroom finishing his homework and then watching a video, now felt thirsty and had come down for a drink and something for supper. He could hear what sounded like an argument from out in the hallway and he frowned at the stranger in the living room who looked so much like his father.
Brian would have preferred if Gus hadn’t made an appearance right at this moment, but he had, so it couldn’t be helped and, anxious to reassure the youngster, Brian smiled at him. Crossing the room, Brian reached out and squeezed the boy’s shoulder affectionately.
“Everything’s fine,” he told him. “Why don’t you get yourself some supper and then go back to your room?”
“I’ll be up later.”
“I’ll get it for you,” answered Justin, whose heart had sunk at the exchange between Brian and Patrick. And, being presented with the opportunity to give them a little room, he got up and went over to where Brian and Gus were standing, rubbed the back of Gus’s neck and then steered the hesitant youngster by the shoulders and took him out into the kitchen.
Having gotten to his feet as he watched Justin and the boy leave the room, Patrick turned back to face Brian. “He called you dad,” stated Patrick in surprise and Brian nodded. “Gus is my son …”
“Wait a minute … I have a grandson?” asked Patrick, as the truth dawned on him and only then did he notice the picture above the mantelpiece that was so obviously of a family group: Justin’s birthday present to Brian that time.
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Having placed some crackers on a plate for Gus, Justin waited for the inevitable question; he could already hear the wheels turning.
“Justin, who’s that man who looks a lot like dad … but kinda older?” asked Gus as he took the carton of milk from the refrigerator and poured himself a glass. Before turning around to face the boy from where he was standing at the counter, Justin momentarily closed his eyes. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? How could he tell Gus the man in their living room was his grandfather when he might not have any further contact with him? So he attempted to tell him the truth, just maybe not quite all of it.
“His name is Patrick Kinney,” answered Justin as he handed Gus the plate of crackers and he took a drinking straw from the box at the back of the counter and popped it into Gus’ glass of milk, risking a look of disapproval from the youngster, forgetting he wasn‘t a little kid any more, as Gus would often remind both his dads.
“He’s dad’s family?” asked Gus in surprise and Justin nodded. “It’s your dad who really needs to explain … but it’s getting late now Gus.”
“Leave it until tomorrow?” suggested Justin, hopefully, and frowning, Gus nodded. “Okay,” he reluctantly agreed.
Sending Gus out of the other door to make his way back up to his bedroom via the main hallway, Justin returned to the living room. He could feel the atmosphere between the two men; Patrick obviously had questions regarding Gus.
Patrick’s previous disappointment at Brian’s reluctance to engage now turned to excitement at the discovery of his grandson. He wanted to know everything about him. But Brian was increasingly unforthcoming and sensing the man’s further withdrawal and realizing that everything had probably got just a little too overwhelming, Patrick reluctantly decided maybe he should leave after all before the situation deteriorated to the point of no return and he stood up.
“Look … I’m staying in the Renaissance … I’m booked through until Monday.”
“I’d really like us to meet again Brian,” continued Patrick.
“I’m sure once you’ve thought about it … there’s so much we could talk about now we got this out of the way,” he offered, though Patrick’s hopes were fading fast.
“Can we do that … can we meet up?” he asked again. Patrick realized how much of a shock this meeting had to be to Brian and although he could understand his reluctance, he also feared the man was wondering whether a relationship with him was desired or even necessary, given the passing of time. Maybe Brian had thought he’d deserted his mother and it was hard for him to get over that, regardless of his protestations. And it must have been a shock, to find Patrick on his doorstep with no warning and asking intrusive questions. Maybe he just needed a little time to get used to the idea. But Brian’s answer didn’t exactly thrill Patrick with expectation.
“I’ll think about it,” came the reply, and deciding that was the only answer he was going to get, Patrick held out his hand.
“It … it’s been good to meet you, Brian,” smiled Patrick, his voice low as he fought to rein in his emotions.
Slowly, Brian reached out to shake the man’s hand. Watching the two men, in his heart, Justin longed to see them both throw away any inhibitions they might have and hug. With the relationship with his own father apparently irreconcilable, Justin knew how much could be at stake here. Justin knew that deep down it would mean the world to Brian to have another chance at that father/son relationship, and he also had an idea of how much it would mean to Patrick. But, alas, it wasn’t to be. Though their apparent reluctance to break hands spoke volumes.
After hesitating, at last Patrick and Brian broke their grasp and turning to Justin, Patrick held his hand out again. Justin took it and shook it warmly.
“I’ll show you out,” the younger man told him and together, they made their way out into the hall.
“Give him time,” implored Justin, as he opened the front door. “I‘ll talk to him,” promised Justin and Patrick nodded his appreciation before stepping out into the night air.
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“That isn’t gonna help,” Justin told him as, returning to the living room, he saw Brian reach for the bottle of Beam.
“And don’t expect me to stay silent on this, Brian,” continued Justin and he heard the man sigh. “I wouldn’t expect anything else,” was Brian’s response.
“But not tonight,” continued the older man, feeling suddenly very weary, but it didn’t pass Justin by that Brian hadn’t refused to further discuss this evening’s events outright.
“Okay,” agreed Justin. “Let‘s sleep on all of this.”
“But you don’t have long … Patrick’s only in town until Monday,” he reminded him and Brian nodded.
“You gonna check in on Gus or do you want me to?” asked Justin, as he collected their discarded coffee cups. About to take a swallow of his drink, Brian stopped abruptly and then nodded; not wanting to breath alcohol fumes over his son. “No … I will,” he answered and placing his glass back down onto the side table, Brian headed for the door and made his way upstairs.
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Gus, despite his father’s earlier words, had sensed everything was not quite as alright with the world as he‘d been led to believe. Not wanting to give his dad any hassle, he‘d already brushed his teeth and changed into his PJ’s, though he was still playing a video game when Brian knocked on the door and came in.
Gus seemed to be growing up more and more every day, but Brian and Justin still both made sure one of them looked in on him during the evening and again when it was lights out. Brian found himself hating the time he knew would come when his son no longer wanted to be around him so much or wanted him fussing over him. But up until then, Brian wanted to make the most of it; he’d lost out on so much time that couldn’t be replaced.
“Bed time kiddo,” Brian told him. “Soleil will be over in the morning and I expect you’ll both have a list of things you wanna do this weekend.”
Climbing into bed, Gus frowned and Brian knew what was coming next.
“Dad … who was that man tonight?”
“Justin said his name was Kinney … he kinda looked like you.”
“Is he family?” asked Gus and the youngster scooted down the bed.
Pulling up the duvet, Brian sat down on the bed and hesitated, considering his answer.
“Yes … he’s family.”
“He’s someone your grandma used to know a long time ago,” came the truthful if not unambiguous answer.
“It sounded like you were arguing,” frowned Gus, but his dad sought to reassure him once again and Brian shook his head.
“No … we had a difference of opinion … that’s all … nothing to worry about.”
“Is he coming over again?” asked Gus and he saw his dad frown. “No … I don’t think so,” came the answer. But even to Gus, Brian sounded a little sad and disappointed at his own words. But then his father’s demeanor changed again as Brian smiled at him.
“Get some sleep … haven’t you got a game tomorrow?” asked Brian and he heard Gus yawn his answer. “Yeah … “ and with sleep finally starting to catch up with him, Gus settled down in the pillows, unable now to keep his eyes open. How can they do that? Brian had always asked himself. One minute, kids seem to be wide awake and the next minute, they’re flaked out on the sofa or can’t get their heads off the pillow. It’s quite an art.
Smiling to himself, Brian reached out to switch off the lamp on the nightstand. Leaning down, in the shadows, Brian placed a soft kiss on the now sleeping boy’s temple. There would come a time when he probably wouldn’t welcome such demonstrations of affection, acknowledged Brian sadly and for a moment, he listened to his son’s quiet, rhythmic breathing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quietly leaving his son’s bedroom, Brian headed back downstairs. But instead of returning to the living room, he made his way outside onto the patio at the back of the house and drew the now cooling, clean air deep into his lungs. He listened and although their nearest neighbors weren’t too far away, there was hardly a sound to be heard.
At one time, he never dreamed he’d enjoying living away from the city, with its lights, hustle and bustle and the various temptations it afforded. But apart from the work opportunities, the city and what it could offer was no longer important to him.
When had he suddenly become such a family man wondered Brian, with its seemingly ever increasing numbers. Not only had he recently acquired a daughter and regained any kind of relationship with his mom and sister, he’d now also discovered his real father. The father he’d had no idea about until a few short months ago. Brian closed his eyes as he ran his fingers through his hair and he tried to unravel his thoughts.
His relationship with Jack had often been stormy; violent even, and the man had readily admitted he wasn’t the marrying kind. Joan was sure Jack had no idea about her relationship with Patrick, but he must have seen the likeness between his brother and son as Brian was growing up.
On the face of it, Patrick seemed a decent guy and obviously wanted to get to know him and Justin wanted him to give the man a chance. But something was still holding Brian back. At least with Jack he’d known where he stood with him. But Patrick was an unknown quantity and Brian wasn’t sure he wanted to explore that relationship if it turned into some acrimonious and unfulfilling.
But whatever Brian decided; whether to pursue the relationship or not, he only had a few days, with Patrick returning home on Monday. And the wrong decision, could lead to consequences that Brian might live to regret.
To be continued.
With many thanks to Lois, Judy and Pat