WHAT'S IN A NAME? Chapter 9
WHAT’S IN A NAME?
Chapter Nine:
“It seems a shame to wake him … but I did promise,” whispered Brian, standing in Gus’ open bedroom doorway.
Earlier, hearing Brian and Joan eventually emerging from her living room, Claire had gone to investigate, only to find they were obviously intent on going out as Brian was helping their mother on with her coat which had been hanging in the hall closet.
“Where on earth are you going at this time of night?” asked a shocked Claire, who had been hoping to be able to go to bed, but hadn’t felt she could, with her mom not having yet returned.
“Brian’s taking me to Midnight Mass,” stated Joan as she began to button her coat.
“Are you mad?”
“You’re not strong enough to go out …”
“I’ll be perfectly alright,” Joan told her daughter dismissively. Claire looked at her brother in disbelief.
Surely, he couldn’t be doing this willingly? But watching him as he was now putting on his own overcoat, Brian seemed perfectly happy to be accompanying his mother to church.
Claire frowned. Joan was obviously determined, but in the recent past, she’d been the one who had accompanied Joan to church from time to time and Claire couldn’t help feeling more than a little excluded. But she saw how Joan took Brian’s arm and the unusually relaxed atmosphere there seemed to be between them; something Claire had never witnessed before, made her realized that this was something that only mother and son could do, at least on this occasion.
Claire tried to offer Joan a walking stick, but was informed that they were: ‘For old people’ and: ‘Besides … I have my son to support me’. Both Claire and Brian blinked and glanced at one another at Joan’s last remark.
“Well … mind how you go,” instructed Claire, as she opened the front door for them. “It’s been snowing.”
“We will,” answered Brian and he supported his mother along the path and across the street to his car.
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Looking around, Brian could barely remember the last time he attended church. But even though the church and its teachings still rankled considerably, he couldn’t deny the significance of this particular occasion. Especially when after the service, Joan seemed to make a point of introducing her son to everyone she knew there, including the priest, whom Brian had a feeling he might just have met in a previous life. But hearing Joan acknowledging Brian so openly and proudly as her son wasn’t something Brian was yet used to.
Subsequently, it was very late, or very early, depending on your point of view, when Brian returned his mother to Claire’s. And, despite the cold, they sat in the car for a few minutes before Brian escorted her back inside.
Unexpectedly, Joan had reached over and placed her hand on Brian’s arm. “Thank you … I know that probably wasn’t very easy for you,” she smiled at him gratefully, and switching on the interior light, Brian nodded and smiled back. He chuckled. “Don’t go thinking you’ve saved me … this isn’t something that’s likely to be repeated very often,” he told her. Joan frowned at him. “But I hope that doesn’t stop you coming to see me,” she answered him truthfully and Brian blinked.
“You want me to?”
“Of course,” replied Joan. “I feel as if I’m only just getting to know you … and before you say anything … I know it’s my fault that we haven’t been getting along and I plan to rectify that,” she informed him determinedly. Having been given the opportunity to regain her son, Joan wasn’t going to risk losing him again.
“How does that fit in with the man upstairs?” asked Brian curiously, wondering how this evening and their apparent new found understanding would put his mother at odds with her religion and he saw Joan frown as she considered his question.
“I’m never gonna change, mom,” continued Brian. “You need to understand that … I am who I am.”
“I know,” smiled his mother eventually. “But no true and loving god would come between a mother and son.”
“I understand that now,” Joan told Brian as she looked right at him.
Brian nodded again and smiled back. Despite the revelations of this evening, Joan was unlikely to undergo any radical change when it came to her beliefs, but it did sound as if she was prepared to attempt to reconcile those beliefs with her role as a mother. Something Brian would never have expected his mother ever capable of doing.
Brian also felt as if he was now just getting to know his mother for the first time. None of this could be easy for her, nor was it for him and there was bound to be give and take needed on both sides, as in most relationships, for them to form any real connection. Compromise on both sides, but smallish steps all the same. Forty years couldn’t be erased overnight, but gestures of good faith were required and Brian wasn’t above making them.
“Would you … like to see Gus?” he asked her and Joan smiled broadly. “I would love to see him,” she answered him, recognizing the gesture and how much of himself Brian was putting on the line to try and form an understanding between them.
“But it’s Christmas … and you’re bound to have made arrangements,” she continued, though obviously a little disappointed.
Brian had to admit, he wanted to be with his family, that is, with Justin and Gus, on Christmas Day. Christmas was only just producing good memories for Brian and he wasn’t yet ready to give those up or share them with anyone else.
“Well …” Brian hesitated and Joan squeezed her arm. “That’s alright … I understand,” she continued.
“Claire’s John and Peter are coming over for a while tomorrow … or rather, today,” corrected Joan. Brian nodded and inwardly shuddered at the thought of the Spawn of Satan and his younger brother.
“Okay … but you’re welcome to see Gus any time during Christmas break … I’ll call you … and then … maybe we can talk some more?”
“I’d like that,“ smiled Joan and she saw Brian frown. “What is it?” she asked him.
“I was just wondering,” admitted Brian. “Did you never want to try and find out what happened to Patrick?”
Joan sighed. “What was the point?”
“I’d reconciled to spending the rest of my life as Jack’s wife.”
“No doubt Patrick made a life for himself … and probably never gave me a second thought,” she continued.
“You don’t know that,” pointed out Brian and Joan shrugged. “No … but what’s the point of wondering now … after all these years?” and she patted Brian’s arm. But Brian was sure he heard a tinge of regret in her tone, despite her words.
“I’d better go in … I expect Claire is waiting up,” suggested Joan and, as if on cue, they saw the front door of the house open. Obviously Claire was keen to get her mother inside so she could go off to bed.
Getting out of the car, Brian walked around the vehicle, opened the door and helped his mother out. Taking his arm again, Brian could feel her leaning against him as they carefully walked up the pathway to the house. It hadn‘t snowed further, but the temperature was still so low that it hadn‘t yet begun to melt. Joan was obviously tired and extremely grateful for his support and her steps were slow and a little shuffled.
Knowing Brian wanted to get home and there was no point in asking him in, Joan stopped in the doorway and turned around. On the step and now almost up to Brian’s height, she looked him in the eye.
“Thank you,” she smiled at him again and offered her cheek for him to kiss. Brian smiled back and, leaning forward, kissed her. And, as he did so, he felt his mother squeeze his arm affectionately.
“Oh,” remembered Joan as Brian pulled back. “Right after Christmas … I’ll get on to my lawyer … and formally withdraw my application for guardianship of Gus … put the record straight.”
“Thank you,” answered Brian gratefully.
“I’ll call you,” he told her and he took a backwards step.
“Have a wonderful day,” came back Joan and Brian smiled before turning and walking back down the pathway to his car as he heard Claire starting to fuss over their mother.
Driving home, owing to the weather conditions, Brian had to concentrate on the road rather than let his mind wander to the incredible events of the evening, culminating in a visit to church, something else Brian never saw himself ever doing again and that in itself had to go down as a minor Christmas miracle.
Unsurprisingly, Justin had waited up. Brian hadn’t called him again. Partly because he was keen to get home and partly because he’d half expected Justin to turn in. But of course, he should have known better.
Justin heard Brian’s car draw up on the drive and then the key in the lock. He’d left the porch light on so that Brian could easily see his way and putting down the book he’d been reading, the younger man made his way into the hall. Even though he’d tried to sound calm when Brian called him, Justin’s stomach had been churning all evening, wondering how his partner was getting on and whether, on reflection, it had been a good idea to visit Joan in order to try and persuade her to tell Brian the truth. What if the truth was too hard to bear after all? Might he have put Brian through even more needless pain?
Cautiously at first, Justin stepped into the hall to find Brian just standing there. He hadn’t yet taken off his coat and was still holding his car keys; it was as if the enormity of the evening had only just begun to sink in. And, as Justin slowly approached him, without a word said by either of them, Brian drew the smaller man into his arms and held him. They held each other tightly. Inwardly, Justin sighed. He could detect no tenseness in the other man, who seemed calm and reasonably at peace and then, finally, Brian drew back and smiled at him.
“Mom’s formally withdrawing her claim to Gus,” stated Brian and Justin smiled back; he knew that had to be a huge relief for Brian, despite the unlikelihood of Joan winning any case. But at least it meant Gus wouldn‘t be put through any unpleasant ordeal in the future.
“Merry Christmas,” whispered Brian as Justin reached up on tiptoes.
“Merry Christmas,” whispered Justin in return; his words melting into their breath as their lips met.
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Although he’d only had coffee and a single sandwich all evening, Brian refused Justin’s offer to make him something to eat. All he really needed was his bed, with the man he loved in his arms and together, arms around each other‘s waist, Brian and Justin made their way upstairs. Brian stopped at Gus’ door and slowly turned the handle and pushed it open.
Hesitating for a moment to watch his sleeping son, Brian’s love for Gus formed a seemingly all too real solid mass in his chest and Brian sighed. “All those years … when he was growing up … “ he whispered.
Reaching out, Justin placed his hand on Brian’s arm. “I know … but it’s no point beating yourself up now.“
“By my reckoning … you’ve more than made up for those missing years … at least to Gus.”
Brian nodded, grateful for Justin’s words of reassurance and certainly Gus didn’t seem to resent him or appear the worse for wear for Brian not having been around in those early years. Or at least it was something he hadn’t yet considered. But for Brian, he realized it was time he could never get back. And he turned to his partner.
“I guess we’ve both got a lot to be grateful for … with our kids.”
Justin nodded and smiled. Soleil was due to spend Christmas Day with Daphne and John. But after that, the newly married couple would go off on honeymoon and Justin would have his daughter all to himself. And he couldn’t wait.
Turning back to his son, Brian smiled. “It seems a shame to wake him … but I did promise,” he whispered and standing in Gus’ open bedroom doorway, he felt Justin’s hand rub the small of his back in support.
Quietly crossing the floor, Brian knelt down beside Gus’ bed. Gus had long grown out of needing any sort of nightlight on while he slept and the only illumination now coming into the room was from out in the hall. But it was enough to see that the youngster was sleeping peacefully and Brian gently pushed the hair back from his son’s eyes before leaning across to gently kiss his forehead. The boy stirred and opened his eyes.
“Dad … you‘re home,” and the obvious relief in the boy’s voice tugged at Brian’s heart.
“Hi Champ,” smiled Brian, his voice soft and deeply affectionate. “Sorry I took so long.”
“That’s okay,” answered Gus and he blinked.
“What time is it?”
“Way too early to get up yet … Santa hasn’t been …”
“Aw, Dad,” groaned Gus, sleepily, as his father pulled the duvet back up over his son’s shoulders and leaned down to kiss him again.
“Goodnight,” he whispered, but Gus had already fallen contentedly back to sleep.
Leaving Gus and closing the door behind him, Brian stopped as Justin came out of their bedroom with an armful of brightly wrapped presents.
“Is he asleep yet?”
“Yeah,” answered Brian and he frowned and gestured to the parcels Justin was holding. The younger man shrugged, which was actually difficult, considering everything he was carrying.
“We’ll only have to get up again in a few hours … we might as well put them under the tree now,” stated Justin by way of explanation. Brian nodded. “I’ll give you a hand,” he whispered back, but Justin shook his head.
“You must be exhausted after tonight … I’ll do it.”
“You go and get ready for bed.”
Brian smiled. Typically and thankfully, Justin hadn’t asked what had passed between Brian and his mother; he knew the man would tell him when he was ready. Brian would tell him of course, but he still had to process a lot of it himself and making his way to the bedroom, Brian started to undress as Justin made at least three trips from the bedroom down to the living room to place all the presents under the tree for the morning, which in fact, was now only a few short hours away.
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“You were gone a long time,” observed Brian as Justin closed the bedroom door behind him after his final trip.
“Yeah,” answered Justin. “I had to go out to the garage for the present Debbie left for Gus and put it with the others.”
“Well, I never realized we bought so much,” yawned Brian from the bed.
“Yeah … and … apparently … we don’t spoil him,” chuckled Justin as he quickly stripped off his clothes and climbed into bed beside Brian.
Snuggling down beside him, Justin felt Brian sigh and he reached out for the older man’s hand. Lying in the crook of Brian’s arm, the man’s arm around his shoulders, they linked their fingers and rested their hands on Brian‘s chest. Brian was glad not have to answer any questions and grateful that Justin knew when to ask and when not to.
They didn’t have to say anything; there were times when both men knew the value of silence, even over well meant comforting words. And this was one of those times.
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Slowly, Brian regained consciousness as an excited boy, one who did not apparently believe in Santa but who still managed to be overcome by the magic of Christmas, tried to shake him awake.
“Justin! … Dad!” called Gus into his father’s ear for the fourth time and Brian managed to open an eye. He groaned. It didn’t seem like five minutes since he’d fallen asleep and now he was being pulled out of bed.
“I’m coming … I’m coming,” groaned Brian as Gus bounded out the door and down the stairs and Justin leaned over. “Hold that thought,” whispered Justin into Brian’s ear as he ran his hand over the man’s still taut stomach before throwing back the duvet and reaching for his gown. Today, showers could wait.
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Everyone’s presents were successful, with Brian and Justin’s most expensive joint Christmas present to Gus being the latest iPod. But he loved the monster making kit and the Harry Potter wand probably just as much.
With the living room looking like a demolition site with all the discarded wrapping paper and boxes, Brian managed to persuade Gus to help tidy up and then go shower and dress. Brian and Justin did likewise, though they did linger in the shower a little longer and then they all joined in cooking a late breakfast. Rosa had left everything prepared for their main Christmas dinner which they would have later, but for now, cereal, toast, bacon, eggs and juice, would maintain them until then.
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“I have to make a call,” stated Justin, looking around and patting himself down in order to try and locate his cell and he kissed Brian’s temple and squeezed his shoulder as he went to hunt for the errant cell.
Brian watched Justin go and then frowned and then he looked at his son, who was studying the instructions for the monster making kit.
“Gus … come over here,” called Brian and getting up to go over to his dad, Brian put his arm around the youngster’s waist.
“You know … I think there’s someone who would love you to call her up and wish her a Merry Christmas,” stated Brian and reaching for the phone, he dialed the number and then relinquishing his seat to his son, Brian handed the phone over to Gus. Walking away, he heard the start of the conversation.
“Hi Grandma … Merry Christmas,” and then after Grandma Joan, Grandma Debbie and Grandma Jennifer also received the customary Christmas Day phonecall and thanks.
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By now, it was almost midday and with Justin going back up to the bedroom to look for his cell, he discovered it was already ringing when he picked it up. And just the person he was about to call was calling him.
“Hi dad … Merry Christmas,” beamed Soleil down the phone. “Sorry I didn’t call earlier … I slept in.”
“That’s okay,” answered Justin. “It was a pretty full-on day, yesterday.”
“No wonder you were worn out”.
Justin and Gus had left Daphne and John’s reception after they’d eaten. Hoping Brian would get a chance for a good long talk with Joan, Justin had sought to keep Gus occupied. As it was, the youngster was enjoying the party. He and Soleil got along so well, Justin couldn’t have hoped for better.
Consequently, with Daphne and John not particularly concerned about being on their own on their wedding night, having lived together and with shortly jetting off for their honeymoon, they weren’t in any real hurry to leave and they were all pretty tired when eventually they did get home.
“Are you all packed to come over?” asked Justin, unable to hide the delight in his voice.
“Almost,” came back Soleil. “Mom and John will drop me off on the way to the airport.”
“Then can I have my presents?” she asked him, excitedly and Justin chuckled. “I think we can arrange something …”
After chatting together for a few more minutes, Justin then spoke to Daphne before hanging up and calling his mom and wishing her Merry Christmas before returning to the living room to find that Gus had challenged his dad to a contest with his new video game. Dinner was still a way off, but the offer of coffee was welcome, though Gus refused anything to drink.
Leaving his son to work on trying to get to the next level of a game he could play on his own, Brian joined Justin in the kitchen and he pushed the door partly closed behind him. Not too far so that they couldn’t hear Gus if he called, but enough that would give him some warning should Gus decide to come look for them.
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“Thanks,” and Brian took the coffee he was offered and Justin reached for his own. Sitting at right-angles to Brian at the kitchen table, the younger man knew Brian had come out into the kitchen for his coffee for a reason, rather than have it in the living room where Gus was. And, over coffee, Brian related to Justin what had passed between himself and Joan the previous evening.
Although extremely private and personal, Brian was glad to be able to relate everything to Justin, whom he knew would be amazingly understanding of it all. Brian knew that anything he told Justin would remain between the two of them and felt comfortable divulging even his mother’s experiences with Jack and her love for Patrick. But it also seemed to the younger man as if Brian needed to tell someone else in order to make himself believe once and for all that it had actually happened.
“God … that must have been so difficult … for both of you,” stated Justin and, reaching out, he covered Brian’s hand with his own, his heart going out to Brian and for everything that had caused him so many years of pain. Brian nodded.
“For mom to actually admit how guilty and ashamed she felt at having an affair and having another man’s kid …” and Brian sighed as he still struggled to take in the enormity and the affect of doing that would have on his mother.
“Did she ever try and find Patrick again?” asked Justin and Brian shook his head and he heard the hesitation in Justin’s voice.
“The answer’s still no,” replied Brian to Justin’s unanswered question.
“Why? What have you got to lose?” asked Justin, exasperated at Brian’s reluctance to try and find his father, but his partner couldn’t be persuaded otherwise.
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During the morning, it had started to snow again and for the next four hours, it continued quite heavily.
“Debbie must have known,“ grinned Justin and Brian shrugged. “Well, it happens every year … but this year, the timing’s perfect.“
Despite the new toys, games and up to the minute electronics, sometimes, it’s the more traditional pastimes where you can often have the most fun.
Within a few hundred yards of the property, the open ground fell away, not too sharply, but ideal for tobogganing and the top quality sled bought by Debbie and Marty for Gus this Christmas was begging for a maiden voyage.
Seeing just how much snow had settled over the last few hours on top of the previous evening’s, Gus had been more than willing to abandon his other new acquisitions and eagerly pulled both Brian and Justin up off the sofa. And now with Brian carrying the sled, dressed in their warmest clothing, including hats and scarves, the three of them headed out.
But Gus wasn’t content with just letting his dads watch him tobogganing on his own; besides, it was pretty cold just standing doing nothing he told them, way too concerned for their wellbeing for his age. And, after a couple of runs on his own, it was Justin who had first given in and sat on the sled behind the youngster as the two of them set off down the incline. Brian’s stomach lurched, but once he’d seen they were okay, he couldn’t disguise his amusement when at the bottom, the sled pitched on its side, throwing its occupants, though thankfully relatively gently, into the snow.
“Think you can do better?” challenged Justin as he hauled himself and the sled back up to the top through the calf-deep snow.
“Come on, dad,” urged Gus, having caught Justin up. “Ride with me.” Looking at Brian, Justin sucked his lips into his mouth in order to suppress a grin and then he shrugged. Looking at Justin and then back at his son, waiting expectantly, how could Brian refuse?
Tucking those long legs in, in order not to cause himself an injury wasn‘t easy, but holding on to Gus sitting in front of him, there wasn‘t much to chose between the two of them for the sense of exhilaration it gave them. Though of course Brian would never admit as much.
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“Now you two,” instructed Gus, holding out the reins to Brian. “Are you sure it will hold both of us?” asked Justin, casually.
“Excuse me, mister,” came back Brian, feigning disgust. “Are you accusing ME of being too heavy for that?” he asked him, indicating the sled parked between them.
“I just meant two adults,” pointed out Justin, but then he grinned.
“But it has been a long time since you’ve seen the inside of a gym,” reminded Justin, reaching out and patting Brian’s stomach.
“Same weight I was 10 years ago,” insisted the older man, and he automatically sucked in his gut. Admittedly, Brian had stayed in good shape, not that it made a huge amount of difference in the padded coat he was wearing, which gave him a more rounded appearance, though nowhere near Mr. Michelin proportions.
“Besides … I could say the same for you,” continued Brian, which was true, though Justin had never been as much of a gym bunny as Brian.
“It’ll be dark soon,” came the small voice; son of Brian, as the sarcasm, conscious or not, could however be easily detected in the boredom of a small boy waiting for something to happen.
Taking the reins, Justin turned the sled around and took his position in the front of the seat, waiting for the older, taller man to sit behind him, who again struggled to get his tall frame inside its confines.
Brian will of course always deny he ever screamed, but with the weight of two grown men now on board, the sled picked up speed and proceeded down the hill at a far greater pace than before. Justin didn’t mind admitting he gave the odd yell, especially when they overshot the aimed for stopping point and continued on a lot further than intended.
The main road was still a long way off and they were really never in any danger of ending up on the highway, but they didn’t seem to be stopping any time soon.
“BAIL!,” yelled Brian into Justin’s ear and the younger man nodded. Luckily, they ended up exiting the sled on different sides thus avoiding collision, both of them rolling over in the snow, which here was deeper and more powdery. The sled itself carried on for a few more yards and ended up coming to a gentle stop atop a small snow covered knoll.
Brian groaned and lay still for a moment while he assessed his situation. Thankfully, nothing appeared to be broken, but finding himself face down in the snow wasn’t his idea of a fun-filled Christmas day afternoon. Slowly turning his head and pushing himself up onto his knees, he looked around for Justin who was now lying on his back having rolled off the sled and ended up about 20 feet away from Brian. The younger man groaned.
“Are you okay?” yelled an extremely concerned Brian and then he heard Justin chuckle. “Well, nothing’s broken,” came the reply and turning his head, Justin looked over at his partner.
Brian looked down at himself. Having sunk into the deeper snow, he was covered from head to foot in the stuff he’d picked up along the way; the same as Justin.
Seeing his dads take off at such a pace, filled with panic, Gus had set off after them and had now only just caught them up.
“Dad … Justin … are you okay?” came the concerned filled cry. But, as he’d drawn closer, the sight of his dad, usually so immaculately turned out but now caked in snow from head to foot, brought about a fit of the giggles, which the youngster didn‘t even attempt to disguise.
The first snowball hit Gus in the stomach. It didn’t hurt him of course, but it did make him jump and heralded the onset of a fierce snowball fight between three of them, culminating with Justin and Gus taking sides against Brian.
“Remind me again why I love Debbie?“ spluttered Brian, spitting out a mouthful of snow. Justin grinned.
Managing to grab hold of Gus to bring proceedings to a halt, Brian tucked the laughing youngster under his arm, supporting him on his hip and with Justin carrying the sled, they started to make their way home to dry off and begin dinner.
And later, after Gus was in bed and Brian and Justin sat in front of an open fire nursing brandies, Brian would admit to Justin that this was the best Christmas he could ever remember.
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After a busy, but one of the happiest days all of them could remember, followed by what was for them an unusually large meal, vegging out in front Christmas evening tv seemed very inviting for all of them. Of course Gus didn‘t really want the day to end and he was practically asleep when Brian finally managed to get him into bed before re-joining Justin in the living room for a nightcap.
With the fire crackling in the hearth, a son asleep upstairs and his lover and partner leaning drowsily against him on the sofa, Brian wondered when was it this had become so comfortable? That was never a word Brian would ever have thought he’d use, along with committed and monogamous, or dutiful and loving father.
It seemed as if Brian might even now start to have a real relationship with his mom, something as a child Brian had craved so much but as an adult had accepted it was probably never going to happen. Never say never; that seemed to be the rule governing recent events in his life, but reaching out to take the glass from a sleepy Justin lying against him and place it safely on the floor, Brian couldn’t help wishing Justin could one day be reconciled with his father, something he knew the younger man craved deep down.
Brian frowned. Up until a few days ago, he’d always believed Jack Kinney to be his father and he understood Justin’s frustration that he didn’t want to try and track him down. Justin believed he’d never get back on track with his own dad, so was keen that Brian didn’t throw away the chance of getting to know his real father. But what was the point? What man would readily accept him as their son? Brian realized he’d come too far to put himself through the pain of any further rejection.
Besides, leaning down to kiss the top of Justin’s head, Brian didn’t think he could ever be any happier and he wouldn’t trade what he now had for anything.
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Tomorrow was due to be another eventful day with Soleil coming to stay for the duration of Daphne and John’s honeymoon and Justin had wanted to make sure everything was just perfect and her room had been made up the day before.
With the advantage of owning your own business, both Brian and Justin had arranged to take extended leave from work after the usual Christmas break and during the next week, with very little friction and what there was, easily resolved, the extended Kinney/Taylor household was busier than ever, even if somewhat unusually girlie with Soleil now in residence. But neither Brian nor Justin would have wanted it any other way.
Brian watched the interaction between Justin and Soleil and he could see how much Justin relished getting to know his daughter better, now able to spend so much more time with her. But he also caught how Gus occasionally looked at the two of them and it was obvious he occasionally felt left out.
Brian didn’t blame Justin, of course. Fatherhood was still so new and exciting for the younger man, but he knew it wasn’t going to be easy, juggling everything and keeping everyone happy.
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Daphne seemed a little quiet when, a week later, she collected Soleil, though she insisted that she and John had thoroughly enjoyed their honeymoon. The time had passed all too quickly for Justin, of course, who, with each passing day increasingly hated the thought of Soleil moving back home with her mom and stepfather. Justin and Daphne had already decided that they would share custody of their daughter, though Justin understood Daphne’s reluctance to disrupt Soleil’s routine, particularly during school time.
Soleil had also loved spending her time with her dad, she usually got on very well with Gus and she liked Brian. Though unlike Gus, Soleil was still getting used to seeing her father’s open affection for another man and occasionally had sought to put herself physically between Brian and Justin or Justin and Gus. Brian understood immediately that it really didn’t matter that Soleil’s dad had a male partner as Soleil would probably have reacted in the same way if Justin was with a woman: she just didn’t want to share him with anyone else. And quickly realizing himself what was happening, Justin took Soleil to one side to explain that his love for Brian was separate from his feelings for Soleil and that he wanted Soleil to think of Gus as her brother and that he loved them both.
Brian was in a slightly different situation with regards to his relationship with Soleil who had so many father’s in one way or another that she certainly didn’t need another. But talking to her himself, Brian sought to reassure Soleil that he didn’t really expect her to think of him in a parental role, but he would like to be her friend if she let him.
Consequently, with everyone understanding where they stood, any possible animosity was soon quashed, resulting in a relaxed and very pleasant atmosphere for them all.
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The Christmas break was drawing to a close, but true to his word, Brian had allowed Gus to visit Grandma Joan, who was thrilled to see him.
Justin and Daphne both accompanied Soleil on her first day at her new school. Soleil was understandably nervous in her crisp, new uniform, but as a genuinely friendly and outgoing youngster, it wouldn’t be long before she started to make friends.
The faculty, however, couldn’t believe their luck; in Soleil alone, they were able to tick so many boxes in their search to offer education at their establishment as diversely as possible. After all, how many children could boast mix race and a same sex couple in their parentage!
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With a few hiccups, the next few weeks saw them all coming to grips with a new routine; one which now included Soleil.
Justin accepted the important of Soleil’s routine during term time, but he and Daphne had agreed upon Justin seeing Soleil for one evening during the week and for her to stay with her dad every other weekend, and Justin would collect Soleil on Friday after school and deliver her back there on Monday morning. Though of course they talked every day on the phone and emailed each other daily.
With the new term and routine, Gus was really only now realizing the impact of suddenly having a sister and was understandably disappointed when Justin wasn’t now there all the time for him and it did take a little peacemaking from both Brian and Justin to get him to understand that Soleil wanted time with her dad in the same way Gus did with his.
Gus frowned, but allowed to go away and mull it over for himself, came back to say he could remember what it was like not to have his dad around and so understood that Soleil now wanted time with Justin.
With Gus returning to his room in order to concentrate on his homework having expressed his feelings so openly, Justin’s heart sank and Brian closed his eyes after hearing the youngster’s words, stated clearly, but with no intended malice or accusation directed towards his father. Gus obviously did have recollections of the time Brian was missing from his early life and his son’s words had cut through him like a knife.
“Don’t take it to heart,” smiled Justin, knowing how guilty Brian felt at those absent years. But it also sought as a reminder of yet another absent father.
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“Dinner in ten,” Justin told them, as he popped his head around the living room door, one evening a few weeks into the new year; it was a week night and there was just the three boys. Brian had managed to get home at a reasonable time and, when they did, they continued to eat together, as a family.
“Great! I’m starving!” declared Gus and he put down the hand-held computer game he’d been playing with and immediately headed for the kitchen: He’d already finished his homework and had been allowed to play with the game until it was time to eat.
“Hands, young man!” Justin told him and ignoring the youngster’s groan, Justin caught Gus by the shoulders and turned him around, sending him off to the downstairs cloakroom.
“How’s it going?” asked Justin, turning his attention to Brian.
“Hmm?”
“The Henderson Electronics account?” continued Justin.
“I know you were stoked to get it,” and the younger man grinned at him as he crossed the floor to where Brian was sitting on the sofa, his laptop set down on the coffee table. Henderson’s were a conglomerate that Brian had longed to get on his books for a couple of years now and he’d worked damned hard in recent weeks to secure the contract and Justin was hoping to read what Brian had pulled together as his initial advertising campaign. But as Justin drew level with the coffee table, Brian closed the screen he was working on and then powered down the laptop.
“Oh … “ sighed Justin in disappointment.
“Sorry … were you wanting to see it?” asked Brian, innocently and Justin shrugged. “That’s okay … next time,” the younger man smiled up at him and he watched as Brian made his way to wash up, managing to grab ahold of and tickle his son as they passed in the hallway.
But Justin frowned. That wasn’t the first time that Brian had shut down his laptop suddenly in the last few days, when he’d approached him. And Justin was beginning to wonder whether Brian had the same idea he had after all.
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It wasn’t only Brian who appeared to be spending a lot of time on the computer over the next few weeks, though of course both he and Justin spent a large amount of time online as part of their work. And although Brian had stated vehemently his decision not to try and trace his birth father, a few assumptions could safely be made regarding his parentage.
Firstly, both Joan and the Kinney brothers were born in Pittsburgh, PA.
Secondly, both families were of Irish descent.
Thirdly: Unfortunately, as far as Justin could tell, there didn’t seem to be a third point of reference and with no family papers to go on and with only an approximate year of birth, where the fuck do you start? Thank god for all those search engines and who could know that Patrick Kinney could be such a common name for the sons of Pittsburgh:
Patrick F. Kinney, retired Head of Mathematics, University of Minnesota: Born Pittsburgh, a resident of Minnesota for over 50 years. Now aged 73. Way too old.
Patrick D. Kinney, Sc.D., Associate Professor of Clinical Public Health (Environmental Health Sciences). Born Pittsburgh, but currently living in Chicago. 56. Too young.
Patrick Kinney, Second Unit Director or Assistant Director. Born Pittsburgh, but currently residing in West Hollywood. 42. Too young.
Patrick Kinney of Kinney Consulting LLC, specializing in Wireless Communications and serving both large and small companies for their wireless needs: Born Pittsburgh, now residing in Phoenix, Arizona. 51. Too young.
Patrick Kinney, Composer and progressive musician. Pittsburgh born, but now living in NYC. 36. Far too young.
The community records appeared to contain several Patrick Kinneys of various backgrounds and social status and Justin had to investigate further for most of the records didn’t list everyone’s ages and so far, no-one yet appeared to fit the bill exactly.
And then came a breakthrough; the breakthrough that had Justin practically falling off his chair with shock.
Up in his studio and taking a break from his own work while it was only himself and Rosa in the house, Justin had resumed his search. Brian might say that he didn’t want to know anything about Patrick Kinney, but Justin couldn’t let it rest. Besides, his experience of Brian of old had taught him that the man’s true feelings had a habit of being hidden under an apparent air of disinterest. And then Justin found this reference:
Patrick Kinney, CEO of Kinney Haulage, born Pittsburgh, currently residing at Lake Tanglewood, Texas. Age 62. A Possibility?
But Justin didn’t need the man’s age, or even an approximation of it, to confirm his findings. The picture from the company’s last quarterly report was evidence enough.
But how was he going to tell Brian that he’d surely found his father, and that the man was very much alive, when Brian hadn‘t admitted that he‘d been searching for himself, even though Justin had his suspicions?
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Determined to find out as much as he could about Patrick Kinney before deciding whether or not to take his findings to Brian, Justin carried on digging.
Kinney Haulage appeared to be a very successful trucking company, mostly operating in the mid-west and with routes up into Canada, and with their head office in Amarillo, where Patrick had started up from.
There didn’t appear to be any mention of family in Patrick’s short bio, but it did state he was a self-made man, who’d started the business in the late 80’s with literally one truck to his name and who now had a fleet of over 1500 in various guises and sizes, offering services ranging from containers and refrigeration to shipping building materials and machine parts.
Patrick did indeed start his business while working for the oil company he joined when he’d left Joan, and had often been called upon to move equipment around the different fields in the US and Canada before branching out and then leaving them to start up on his own. Kinney Haulage appeared to have a very profitable turnover and over $2 million in revenue per annum. They also appeared to be involved in community projects and made frequent and substantial donations to various charities.
From further digging, Justin was able to confirm the man’s home address and even found a telephone number listed. It was days before he finally summoned up the courage, but one evening after dinner and Gus was asleep, Justin handed Brian a piece of paper.
“What’s this?” the man asked him, frowning.
“Patrick Kinney,” answered Justin quietly and he saw Brian’s mouth open as if to say something and then close again as he changed his mind. “I’ve been digging … I’m pretty sure …”
“For chrissakes, Justin … what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” cut in Brian, having found his voice, and with a tone Justin hadn’t heard in a long time. Getting to his feet from the sofa where he’d been reading through some work papers, Brian headed for the side table and poured himself a hefty shot of Beam, which he swallowed in one go.
“I told you I had absolutely no intention of getting in touch with my … with Patrick,” Brian rounded on him, but it didn’t escape Justin’s attention that Brian almost referred to Patrick as his father; some sort of admission on Brian’s part of his need for someone to fill that vacant role, maybe?
“I know what you said …”
“Then why the hell do you insist on interfering?”
“Because I don’t want you to miss this chance,” stated Justin and sighing, he ran his fingers through his hair, before crossing the distance between them.
“Look … I long ago realized that my dad didn’t want to be part of my life … even though I’d have him back in a heartbeat.”
“And I do understand your reluctance to seek out Patrick.”
“I know how rejected you felt as a kid and I can understand you not wanting to find your father … declare yourself to him … only to be rejected … again.”
“But it doesn’t have to be that way,” and reaching out, Justin rubbed the man’s arm and looked up at into his face, recognizing Brian‘s inner struggle with his emotions.
“After you said you didn’t want anything to do with Patrick … all I kept thinking about was how thrilled I’d been to discover that I was a father.”
“But I also know how much hurt and disbelief I felt on that discovery … to know that I’d been denied the experience of fatherhood and the existence of my child for so long.”
“And putting myself in Patrick’s place … I couldn’t just stand by and do nothing.”
“This could be amazing … for both of you,” he continued and he saw Brian look away as if not wanting to admit in any way that Justin might possibly be right.
“Did you ever think I would reject Soleil?” asked Justin. “Well … did you?” he asked again, when Brian failed to answer him the first time.
“No,” replied Brian, eventually.
“Then why do you believe Patrick will reject you?”
“And don’t use the fact you’re a fag as an excuse for an automatic rejection.”
“The man deserves the benefit of the doubt … and you deserve the chance to get to know him.”
“Are you really going to throw that away?”
“Would you ever really forgive yourself?” asked Justin and he sighed again.
“Can’t you at least think about it?”
Looking down at him, Brian could clearly see in Justin’s face the passion he obviously felt about this and the love he held for him. Brian hesitated for a moment as he acknowledged his own feelings at last and just how well Justin knew him. Putting his arm around the smaller man’s shoulders, Brian drew him in.
“I’m not making any promises,” answered Brian, eventually and he saw Justin’s disappointed expression.
“Except … except that I am prepared … to think about it,” he continued and reaching up on tiptoes, Justin placed his hands around the back of Brian’s neck and drew him down.
“That’s all I’m asking,” he smiled at him, before kissing him and then releasing Brian and withdrawing to his studio, in order to give Brian time to think, but hoping he would want to pursue the task that Justin had started.
Justin knew that, in all honesty, the decision had to rest with Brian. Justin had considered contacting Patrick himself, but had quickly realized that only Brian had the right to do that. But he hoped with all his heart that the man wouldn’t let this opportunity pass him by.
Alone now in the living room, Brian poured himself out a much smaller shot this time and returned to the sofa.
What might he have to lose, Brian asked himself. In the past, the fear of rejection had resulted in his refusal to acknowledge so many of his feelings; fears that thankfully, had mostly been overcome. But surely there always had to be the remnants of a lingering doubt?
Mulling over what he’d achieved with his life, Brian knew he had so much to be thankful for. As he’d told his mother, he had a loving partner, a wonderful son, a beautiful home and a thriving business. But he knew he’d missed out on forming any kind of normal parental relationships and there was this gaping hole in his life.
The chances were that though he’d never be completely reconciled with Joan, there seemed to be so much more hope on that score. His relationship with Jack was so much more understandable now, especially as the man was probably aware Brian wasn’t his son. But then there was the question of Brian’s real father. Could Brian take the risk of another rejection?
But wasn’t he stronger and more confident now than at any other time in his life: Stronger, confident and more able to be accepting of the outcomes of any attempt to contact Patrick?
And, if he didn’t, would he not regret that he never tried?
How well Justin knew him, realizing that he was hesitating only because of his fear of rejection. Fears that even a man in his forties apparently still hadn’t conquered entirely. But Brian’s desire to discover more about the man he now knew to be his father had been gnawing at him since that evening with Joan.
Reaching for the coffee table, Brian powered up the laptop. He had, indeed, started to search for Patrick himself, but had given up after a few red herrings and then, conveniently, had never found the time to continue.
But it would seem that Justin had done all the hard work and logging onto the link his partner had provided, it didn’t take long for Brian to see what Justin had.
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Later that night, any annoyance on Brian’s part for Justin’s so-called interference had obviously dissipated well before bed time. Their lovemaking, while it had lost none of its intensity, had evolved into an amazingly emotional closeness as well as a physical one. The strength and longevity of their love reinforced time and time again.
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Two Days Later:
He’d picked up the phone twice and put it down again without dialing. But this time, gathering himself together once more, Brian picked up the phone once more and punched out the numbers.
After the number had rung out a few times, disappointed, Brian was about to ring off when a breathless voice answered him:
“Hello,”
“Mr. Kinney … Mr. Patrick Kinney?”
“Yes … that’s me.”
“Well … you don’t know me … but …”
“But I think I’m your son.”
To be continued.
Many thanks to Lois, Judy and Pat