(no subject)
I am angry and bitter and I really shouldn’t be right now and there is no way that this post will make me look good but I don’t give a flying shit.
I found out that my ex’s dad died. I was gutted for her. Her family are close and I know this will have hit her hard. No matter what happened between us no one deserves that but I was surprised to discover how much it still hurt to think of her going through all that. We are still friendly when we see each other (some mutual friends still) but having cared for her so much I guess maybe it’s natural to still feel for them when something like this happens.
I thought about what to do and in the end decided to email as a phone call would be too out of the blue. I totally struggled with what to say but in the end did my best. I offered to help anyway I could. I live about an hour closer to her parents house than she does and even said if she ever wanted to stop by for ten mins res-bite before the drive home she could. It was a fucking hard email to write and brought up a lot of feelings and emotions I’ve spent two years trying to get rid of, but I figured I should try. I think I’d appreciate it from her if - god forbid - the roles had been reversed.
What I get back is a brief email saying thanks, but I’ve got everything I need without you and a smiley face.
A fucking smiley face.
The whole - brief - email was a very clear brush off. I realise how utterly selfish I’m being given what she’s going through, but fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I was trying to show some fucking compassion. At least accept it graciously. Every time I think she can’t possibly hurt me any more she finds a way. I now just want to cry but dammit she’s had enough fucking tears from me and isn’t getting any more. I’m trying to convince myself that she isn’t actually that callous and maybe just phrased the email badly, but it’s hard to believe.
And now I hate myself for getting angry and upset. Dangit.
I found out that my ex’s dad died. I was gutted for her. Her family are close and I know this will have hit her hard. No matter what happened between us no one deserves that but I was surprised to discover how much it still hurt to think of her going through all that. We are still friendly when we see each other (some mutual friends still) but having cared for her so much I guess maybe it’s natural to still feel for them when something like this happens.
I thought about what to do and in the end decided to email as a phone call would be too out of the blue. I totally struggled with what to say but in the end did my best. I offered to help anyway I could. I live about an hour closer to her parents house than she does and even said if she ever wanted to stop by for ten mins res-bite before the drive home she could. It was a fucking hard email to write and brought up a lot of feelings and emotions I’ve spent two years trying to get rid of, but I figured I should try. I think I’d appreciate it from her if - god forbid - the roles had been reversed.
What I get back is a brief email saying thanks, but I’ve got everything I need without you and a smiley face.
A fucking smiley face.
The whole - brief - email was a very clear brush off. I realise how utterly selfish I’m being given what she’s going through, but fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I was trying to show some fucking compassion. At least accept it graciously. Every time I think she can’t possibly hurt me any more she finds a way. I now just want to cry but dammit she’s had enough fucking tears from me and isn’t getting any more. I’m trying to convince myself that she isn’t actually that callous and maybe just phrased the email badly, but it’s hard to believe.
And now I hate myself for getting angry and upset. Dangit.