Ramble containing woe is me crap, Sirens and TW glee and musings on the Doctor's choice of hat.
So then, let’s get this out. Life is still throwing shit at me, and my self confidence and esteem has crashed pretty low, pretty quick. I’m still trying to work through it all, but the inevitable has happened and my head has fucked itself up. Serotonin levels that are screwed at the best of times now appear to be completely laid to waste and I’m pretty sure I’m on the edge of a fairly hefty crash. Not helpful given that my body, in its infinite wisdom, decided a couple of years ago that it was going to start having quite nasty and potentially lethal reactions to serotonin enhancers. The only other drugs left are mood alterers, which I don’t want, or the ones I was put on before which said “may cause drowsiness” but actually meant “horse tranquilisers”. I lost three days, then lost the meds. I finally discovered them about year later at the back of a bookshelf with no recollection of putting them there.
So, I’m back to fighting through it. I will fight, I’ve done it before I will do it again, but the ride isn’t a lot of fun. I really don’t want to go into crisis again and will do all I can to avoid it. I am aware of the little traps I fall into and the way I act when I’m going down and I’m doing my best to avoid doing them. But it’s not easy, and as much as I hate to say it, it is much harder being single it appears. I’ve never been good at doing things for my own benefit, especially when my head is here, and it’s easier to fight when you’re doing it for someone else. I have plans and it’s up to me to make sure I stick to them.
So let’s look at some positives. I have a holiday coming up in August (can’t afford it, don’t give shit, I need it), I am getting on with my Mum better than I ever have, and although I’m not great at being sociable at the moment, I still have fandom and the friends I have made through it.
Writing and reading keeps me distracted, and my silly shows make me happy when I watch them. Throwing myself into an unreal world may not seem like the healthiest option, but distraction is working fine for me right now thank you very much. And talking of silly little shows, I have totally fallen for Sirens. Yes, there are issues with some aspects of the ambulance procedure it represents, but it has some of the little things totally spot on; the use of a “comfort break”, the relationship between the service and Trumpton, the patients, co-workers etc are delightful in-jokes that I am really enjoying. Plus, I really like the characters. I may be a teeny bit in love with Stuart. And yes, as easy as it is to ship Ashley and Stuart, I am actually far happier immersing myself in their quite epic bromance.
And, again despite its faults, I am loving the new series of Torchwood. I totally get why it’s not for everyone, though some of the fanwank is getting to me. But, I love have Jack back in my life - angsty Jack at that (can we see more of his cruel bastard side please?), I have kick-ass Gwen who is blossoming from and okay character to rock-awesome in this series in my opinion, and Rex. Oh Rex, you mad fucker, wonderful character. You’re so funny and the only person that doesn’t realise it. You are a fab addition to the team. And Oswald, you creep the living fuck out of me. Well played and well written.
I get my Doctor back later this month too, and that can never be a bad thing. I think we should start a book on what hat he will wear in this series…
See? Distraction techniques are wonderful things.
Image from scorpia_strikes