Ramblings on writing sex, what makes a kink kinky and those bothersome "lady parts"
I have a few new people on my flist (which is awesome and happy making), so by way of introduction, sometimes I get a thought in my head and I come here and ramble about it. Sometimes it’s just me expressing my views and thoughts, but sometimes we get some little discussions going and people will reply with their thoughts and opinions and that rocks.
This has been rattling around for a while and I’ve been prompted to write it by recent discussions on Denial and with my favourite Kitty.
So…onwards…
OH MY GOD! I'm writing sex!
It's a brave thing to do, I really think it is. When we write sex we risk exposing a lot of ourselves. We risk giving the outside world a view of what we like and what turns us on. And that can be scary. We also run the risk of writing something that other people might not like and that is even scarier.
One of the big problems I have with writing a sex scene is whether or not it's actually any good. It starts as an idea that I find hot, or want to explore, but by the time it is written it has become nothing more than a collection of words and syntax. It means nothing more to me than phrasing, correct grammar, making sure words aren't repeated too often, all the stuff that we look at when we are writing. It stopped being fun after the first sentence, even before the first bit of clothing has been removed or hard body part fondled.
So, I put it out there to the world and rely completely on comments from readers as to whether or not I have managed to do my job as a writer. Now, with non smut fic, it is always lovely when you get a comment that makes reference to skills and your style of writing. Porn fic often just comes back with “dfgedthfghedfg”. However, I take this to mean that I have done something right so it’s fine by me!
Het Vs slash
Anyone familiar with my writing will know I mainly write m/m slash. Which is weird when you think that that is not exactly where my experience lies. But there is a reason for this; I find het and fem slash really hard to write. It's not so much the situations, or practices etc, but the actual language. There are no good words for “lady parts”. The ones that exist I either find too euphemistic, derogatory or just far too...well...ick. For example, I will never have any one open anyone else’s “flower of love”
If I could get round this I would prob write more, but because I find it so hard it rarely seems worth the effort. And lets face it...there is far less of an audience for it in fan fiction.
Research
One thing that will stop me reading any fic quick? The self lubricating arse. Now it's entirely possible, and in fact physically impossible, for us to have tried everything that we write about, or the POV we write it from. For example; I am not a man that has had sex with another man, therefore I can't, from experience. know what it is like. But I can imagine and more importantly I can RESEARCH. Before I started writing m/m slash I made sure I read a lot of it (it was hard work. No really it was. You don’t believe me do you?) and I made sure that I read stuff written by men too as they do know what they are talking about. I prob still have some inaccuracies in my writing but at least I know I have minimised them.
I realise that for some people. maybe who use a shared computer or something. browsing to read m/m porn is maybe not that easy, but there are other things you can do. Not owning one myself, I looked at human biology websites to find out more about the prostate, where exactly it is etc. Some also include information about stimulating it (handy). And if you're still not sure about what an arse hole is capable of...well...you have one. Stick two dry fingers up it without any preparation and see what the fuck happens.
Kinks
Oh this is a sticky one, pardon the pun.
When I first started writing fanfic I was very concerned about writing anything kinky, and more to the point, writing anything kinky too well. I was really worried that I would inadvertently expose too much of myself if I did.
Part of the problem with this is that sex is still a personal thing. Will people assume if I write it I like it? Do I want everyone knowing, or thinking they know, what floats my boat? And will they judge me for it? Coming from a background where the majority of my out of fandoms frinds are very vanilla, it was a real concern and I certainly kept a lot back when I started. I should also mention at this point that when I started writing fanfic I only posted on FF.net which has a totally different feel to LJ. In fact, in an early fic of mine I took out a scene where a man and woman had anal sex as I thought it would be pushing it for the readers I had at the time.
However, when I came to LJ a few things happened at once. I realised that I didn't care what people thought; my friends on LJ either now know me in real life and accepted my kinks, or have no idea who I am other than a user name and that's fine. I also realised that everyone else was just as filthy, if not more so than me and everything and anything ( more so on some comms than others *g*) and that there was a market for just about anything you could think to write.
So now I let it all hang out. I write some stuff that I like, stuff that I am into and I write other stuff - with I hope as much enthusiasm - that I have no interest in at all, but that I know there is an audience for. If people want to infer certain things about me from the fic I write then that's fine and up to them. And let's face it...it’s probably true...
I think there is also a debate to be had on what constitutes a kink. I could throw in the old joke “it's only kinky the first time” here and leave it at that, but I am attempting to be a grown up.
When something becomes usual for you, you can stop viewing it as a kink, but that doesn't mean that it's not considered kinky by others. (this is going to prove hard to write without major overshare I feel...but let's crack on).
A kink is considered something different to the norm (and anyone who knows me knows how much I despise the term “normal” but it's the easiest word to use so work with me here). There are obvious ones, rubber, latex, spanking, sub/Dom etc.
But wait. What if you live a sub/Dom lifestyle and get spanked everyday? Then it's not a kink surely; it is an everyday, normal, sexual practice?
Okay, so I am poss taking a more extreme example there, but let’s try it the other way. Feathers. Some people use feathers to tease and play during sex, but they prob don't use them everyday, meaning that they are not normal sexual practice. But can you really consider a feather kinky?
Oral sex is another good example. I think most people would consider that a normal sex practice, not a kink. So why then is rimming considered a kink? It's essentially the same thing.
So my question is, when does something stop or start being a kink rather than just an accepted sexual practice? It’s one of the things that bugs me about some of the kink comms and memes. Some of those are not kinks, children. If you want kinks, I can show you kinks...
Any way this leads neatly onto…
Warnings
So, what constitutes a warning? What should be warned against? Well, again coming from FF.net you had to warn against EVERYTHING! While I actually find it vaguely offensive that people feel that m/m or f/f slash should be warned against (the implication being that there is somehow something wrong with it) I do understand that not everyone likes it, and so if that's what the culture calls for then by all means “warn” for it.
But when it comes to kinks, when does something stop being a kink that you need to warn about, and start just being a sexual practice? If I warn for rimming, should I then warn for oral sex? Should I warn about mild bondage? It's not exactly way out there to me, but may be far beyond the vanilla for someone else. Where do we dray the line?
I tend to err on the side of caution. Certain kinks/practices I would always warn about - dub-con, non-con, breathplay etc as they are the sort of things people can have very strong anti feelings about, and I get that. Other things I warn about to be on the safe side, but to be honest, in most of the comms I post in, I think they serve as adverts more than warnings!
Bad sex
Not a lot of fics cover bad sex and certainly not many of mine do. I did once managed to get physics to remember that two grown men rolling around on sofa was never going to end well, but that’s as far as it goes. And let’s face it, that is completely unrealistic. I dare anyone reading this to say you haven’t had fail sex at least once. Or that slightly awkward thing where…never mind.
But maybe that’s it. If we write bad sex do we again risk exposing ourselves? Or is it just that we want our heroes to be fantastic in everything they do, including sex? When we have two hot bunnies driving each other wild with pleasure do we really needs someone’s sister coming in and asking if anyone wants a cup of tea…
My squinks
Okay, maybe not squinks as such, but things I find difficult/impossible to write.
As I have said before, not everything that I write is stuff that floats my boat, but I’m happy writing a broad range of stuff and I enjoy the challenge. But there are certain things I cannot or will not write.
Mpreg. It's just stupid, I hate it, won't touch it with a manky barge pole.
Incest. Can't go there. Any sort of familial sexual relationship I just can't write. (I will admit to being horribly intrigued by Quinncest though *shudder*)
Lack of lube. Won’t do anal without some sort of preparation and I prefer to go the whole nine yards of lube and prep, but that isn’t always possible. Unprepared anal really squicks me though, I can’t get past the amount of damage being done to the body.
Another sticky one is non-con involving women. Not this makes no logical sense at all. Not for a second do I think that sexual assault is different for men than it is for women, but I can write it when the victim is a male character but not when it’s a female one. Weirdly though I think it’s more that I can’t write women as victims; can’t let them relinquish power. I’m not really sure, but just can’t do it.
Wow. That is a lot of words about sex and I think I managed to avoid using the word “cock” once. Nice. So, any comment? Do you disagree violently? Have I missed anything out? Do you care at all? What “lady part” words do you use? Enquiry minds want to know!
This has been rattling around for a while and I’ve been prompted to write it by recent discussions on Denial and with my favourite Kitty.
So…onwards…
OH MY GOD! I'm writing sex!
It's a brave thing to do, I really think it is. When we write sex we risk exposing a lot of ourselves. We risk giving the outside world a view of what we like and what turns us on. And that can be scary. We also run the risk of writing something that other people might not like and that is even scarier.
One of the big problems I have with writing a sex scene is whether or not it's actually any good. It starts as an idea that I find hot, or want to explore, but by the time it is written it has become nothing more than a collection of words and syntax. It means nothing more to me than phrasing, correct grammar, making sure words aren't repeated too often, all the stuff that we look at when we are writing. It stopped being fun after the first sentence, even before the first bit of clothing has been removed or hard body part fondled.
So, I put it out there to the world and rely completely on comments from readers as to whether or not I have managed to do my job as a writer. Now, with non smut fic, it is always lovely when you get a comment that makes reference to skills and your style of writing. Porn fic often just comes back with “dfgedthfghedfg”. However, I take this to mean that I have done something right so it’s fine by me!
Het Vs slash
Anyone familiar with my writing will know I mainly write m/m slash. Which is weird when you think that that is not exactly where my experience lies. But there is a reason for this; I find het and fem slash really hard to write. It's not so much the situations, or practices etc, but the actual language. There are no good words for “lady parts”. The ones that exist I either find too euphemistic, derogatory or just far too...well...ick. For example, I will never have any one open anyone else’s “flower of love”
If I could get round this I would prob write more, but because I find it so hard it rarely seems worth the effort. And lets face it...there is far less of an audience for it in fan fiction.
Research
One thing that will stop me reading any fic quick? The self lubricating arse. Now it's entirely possible, and in fact physically impossible, for us to have tried everything that we write about, or the POV we write it from. For example; I am not a man that has had sex with another man, therefore I can't, from experience. know what it is like. But I can imagine and more importantly I can RESEARCH. Before I started writing m/m slash I made sure I read a lot of it (it was hard work. No really it was. You don’t believe me do you?) and I made sure that I read stuff written by men too as they do know what they are talking about. I prob still have some inaccuracies in my writing but at least I know I have minimised them.
I realise that for some people. maybe who use a shared computer or something. browsing to read m/m porn is maybe not that easy, but there are other things you can do. Not owning one myself, I looked at human biology websites to find out more about the prostate, where exactly it is etc. Some also include information about stimulating it (handy). And if you're still not sure about what an arse hole is capable of...well...you have one. Stick two dry fingers up it without any preparation and see what the fuck happens.
Kinks
Oh this is a sticky one, pardon the pun.
When I first started writing fanfic I was very concerned about writing anything kinky, and more to the point, writing anything kinky too well. I was really worried that I would inadvertently expose too much of myself if I did.
Part of the problem with this is that sex is still a personal thing. Will people assume if I write it I like it? Do I want everyone knowing, or thinking they know, what floats my boat? And will they judge me for it? Coming from a background where the majority of my out of fandoms frinds are very vanilla, it was a real concern and I certainly kept a lot back when I started. I should also mention at this point that when I started writing fanfic I only posted on FF.net which has a totally different feel to LJ. In fact, in an early fic of mine I took out a scene where a man and woman had anal sex as I thought it would be pushing it for the readers I had at the time.
However, when I came to LJ a few things happened at once. I realised that I didn't care what people thought; my friends on LJ either now know me in real life and accepted my kinks, or have no idea who I am other than a user name and that's fine. I also realised that everyone else was just as filthy, if not more so than me and everything and anything ( more so on some comms than others *g*) and that there was a market for just about anything you could think to write.
So now I let it all hang out. I write some stuff that I like, stuff that I am into and I write other stuff - with I hope as much enthusiasm - that I have no interest in at all, but that I know there is an audience for. If people want to infer certain things about me from the fic I write then that's fine and up to them. And let's face it...it’s probably true...
I think there is also a debate to be had on what constitutes a kink. I could throw in the old joke “it's only kinky the first time” here and leave it at that, but I am attempting to be a grown up.
When something becomes usual for you, you can stop viewing it as a kink, but that doesn't mean that it's not considered kinky by others. (this is going to prove hard to write without major overshare I feel...but let's crack on).
A kink is considered something different to the norm (and anyone who knows me knows how much I despise the term “normal” but it's the easiest word to use so work with me here). There are obvious ones, rubber, latex, spanking, sub/Dom etc.
But wait. What if you live a sub/Dom lifestyle and get spanked everyday? Then it's not a kink surely; it is an everyday, normal, sexual practice?
Okay, so I am poss taking a more extreme example there, but let’s try it the other way. Feathers. Some people use feathers to tease and play during sex, but they prob don't use them everyday, meaning that they are not normal sexual practice. But can you really consider a feather kinky?
Oral sex is another good example. I think most people would consider that a normal sex practice, not a kink. So why then is rimming considered a kink? It's essentially the same thing.
So my question is, when does something stop or start being a kink rather than just an accepted sexual practice? It’s one of the things that bugs me about some of the kink comms and memes. Some of those are not kinks, children. If you want kinks, I can show you kinks...
Any way this leads neatly onto…
Warnings
So, what constitutes a warning? What should be warned against? Well, again coming from FF.net you had to warn against EVERYTHING! While I actually find it vaguely offensive that people feel that m/m or f/f slash should be warned against (the implication being that there is somehow something wrong with it) I do understand that not everyone likes it, and so if that's what the culture calls for then by all means “warn” for it.
But when it comes to kinks, when does something stop being a kink that you need to warn about, and start just being a sexual practice? If I warn for rimming, should I then warn for oral sex? Should I warn about mild bondage? It's not exactly way out there to me, but may be far beyond the vanilla for someone else. Where do we dray the line?
I tend to err on the side of caution. Certain kinks/practices I would always warn about - dub-con, non-con, breathplay etc as they are the sort of things people can have very strong anti feelings about, and I get that. Other things I warn about to be on the safe side, but to be honest, in most of the comms I post in, I think they serve as adverts more than warnings!
Bad sex
Not a lot of fics cover bad sex and certainly not many of mine do. I did once managed to get physics to remember that two grown men rolling around on sofa was never going to end well, but that’s as far as it goes. And let’s face it, that is completely unrealistic. I dare anyone reading this to say you haven’t had fail sex at least once. Or that slightly awkward thing where…never mind.
But maybe that’s it. If we write bad sex do we again risk exposing ourselves? Or is it just that we want our heroes to be fantastic in everything they do, including sex? When we have two hot bunnies driving each other wild with pleasure do we really needs someone’s sister coming in and asking if anyone wants a cup of tea…
My squinks
Okay, maybe not squinks as such, but things I find difficult/impossible to write.
As I have said before, not everything that I write is stuff that floats my boat, but I’m happy writing a broad range of stuff and I enjoy the challenge. But there are certain things I cannot or will not write.
Mpreg. It's just stupid, I hate it, won't touch it with a manky barge pole.
Incest. Can't go there. Any sort of familial sexual relationship I just can't write. (I will admit to being horribly intrigued by Quinncest though *shudder*)
Lack of lube. Won’t do anal without some sort of preparation and I prefer to go the whole nine yards of lube and prep, but that isn’t always possible. Unprepared anal really squicks me though, I can’t get past the amount of damage being done to the body.
Another sticky one is non-con involving women. Not this makes no logical sense at all. Not for a second do I think that sexual assault is different for men than it is for women, but I can write it when the victim is a male character but not when it’s a female one. Weirdly though I think it’s more that I can’t write women as victims; can’t let them relinquish power. I’m not really sure, but just can’t do it.
Wow. That is a lot of words about sex and I think I managed to avoid using the word “cock” once. Nice. So, any comment? Do you disagree violently? Have I missed anything out? Do you care at all? What “lady part” words do you use? Enquiry minds want to know!