Gracious.
I hope, that if I'm ever terminally ill, I don't become engulfed by my own depression and hatred for everything that is good in this world because I wont be seeing it much longer.
Sandra is leaving, my very dear friend is going back to her home country of Brazil, and even though I will miss her very much- I want her out of the situation she is currently in. Her roommate, Ivete, was diagnosed with cancer 3 months ago and its been a downward spiral ever since. She has become such an ugly person- and although Sandra has given her nothing but time and love- it is only to be reciprocated with unkind words and ungratefulness.
It reminds me a lot of Daniel's brother when he came back from Iraq. Before Ivete found out she was sick she was a good person- she cared about her loved ones and wanted them to be happy. His brother had seen so much, Ivete has felt so much.. it makes me wonder how can your life ever be the same after you've seen what Josh has seen, or realized like Ivete that you only have months to live.. if that. I think its easy to take your pain out on the people closest to you because misery and cancer are a lot alike- they start in a small place, and starting with the closest organs- it spreads. Is pushing away the people you love in your life you're way of cutting your cancer? Or your way of spreading your misery? If you want the attention you should ask for it, if you want everyone to feel sorry for you, you should ask them to. It seems as though these sorts of events in life can turn people into a black hole of carelessness. It doesn't matter what you say, how cruel it is, who you said it to- if you're hurting, that person should hurt too. You know they don't deserve it, but you don't care. You didn't deserve what is happening to you.. life isn't fair, why should you be?
I hope if I ever find myself amidst a war, I will covet the people in my life that I love. If the war takes my mother, I will take comfort in the arms of my Daniel. If the war takes my Daniel, I will take comfort in the arms of my mother. If the war takes them both, I will take comfort in God, and in myself. If cancer ever finds itself in my body, and it is my time to go, I will want everyone in my life, good or bad, to know that I was grateful for them being a part of my puzzle. I would want Daniel to know how much I love him, and how thankful I am that he is who he is to me. My best friend, my companion, my rock, my saving grace, the beautiful face I get to wake up next to ever morning. I would want my mother to know that she has been my entire family- that she deserves everything godly in this world, her faith is inspiring, and I love her more than she will ever comprehend.
I hope if I ever find myself terminally ill- that I will thank the world for being such a beautiful place. My last few days will be spent lying in the grass, appreciating nature, and all of is magnificence. Crying in the rain, crying in the ocean, washing not in my anger at the world, but regretting that I didn't take it in as much as I could, crying because I would miss it. Crying because I would miss these incredible people that have graced my life.
Being a human does not exclude you from being ugly or beautiful, soft or calloused, kind or hateful- we will experience these feelings, these characteristics, as everyone else that we bump into and work next to everyday. The thing that separates you from misery is your graciousness. Are you thankful for your life? Are you thankful for the people in it and everything they do for you? Do you feel you owe the world? Or does it owe you? If I could sum up my life in two words, at this very moment, I would applaud it and give an an omniscient "Thank you".
Sandra is leaving, my very dear friend is going back to her home country of Brazil, and even though I will miss her very much- I want her out of the situation she is currently in. Her roommate, Ivete, was diagnosed with cancer 3 months ago and its been a downward spiral ever since. She has become such an ugly person- and although Sandra has given her nothing but time and love- it is only to be reciprocated with unkind words and ungratefulness.
It reminds me a lot of Daniel's brother when he came back from Iraq. Before Ivete found out she was sick she was a good person- she cared about her loved ones and wanted them to be happy. His brother had seen so much, Ivete has felt so much.. it makes me wonder how can your life ever be the same after you've seen what Josh has seen, or realized like Ivete that you only have months to live.. if that. I think its easy to take your pain out on the people closest to you because misery and cancer are a lot alike- they start in a small place, and starting with the closest organs- it spreads. Is pushing away the people you love in your life you're way of cutting your cancer? Or your way of spreading your misery? If you want the attention you should ask for it, if you want everyone to feel sorry for you, you should ask them to. It seems as though these sorts of events in life can turn people into a black hole of carelessness. It doesn't matter what you say, how cruel it is, who you said it to- if you're hurting, that person should hurt too. You know they don't deserve it, but you don't care. You didn't deserve what is happening to you.. life isn't fair, why should you be?
I hope if I ever find myself amidst a war, I will covet the people in my life that I love. If the war takes my mother, I will take comfort in the arms of my Daniel. If the war takes my Daniel, I will take comfort in the arms of my mother. If the war takes them both, I will take comfort in God, and in myself. If cancer ever finds itself in my body, and it is my time to go, I will want everyone in my life, good or bad, to know that I was grateful for them being a part of my puzzle. I would want Daniel to know how much I love him, and how thankful I am that he is who he is to me. My best friend, my companion, my rock, my saving grace, the beautiful face I get to wake up next to ever morning. I would want my mother to know that she has been my entire family- that she deserves everything godly in this world, her faith is inspiring, and I love her more than she will ever comprehend.
I hope if I ever find myself terminally ill- that I will thank the world for being such a beautiful place. My last few days will be spent lying in the grass, appreciating nature, and all of is magnificence. Crying in the rain, crying in the ocean, washing not in my anger at the world, but regretting that I didn't take it in as much as I could, crying because I would miss it. Crying because I would miss these incredible people that have graced my life.
Being a human does not exclude you from being ugly or beautiful, soft or calloused, kind or hateful- we will experience these feelings, these characteristics, as everyone else that we bump into and work next to everyday. The thing that separates you from misery is your graciousness. Are you thankful for your life? Are you thankful for the people in it and everything they do for you? Do you feel you owe the world? Or does it owe you? If I could sum up my life in two words, at this very moment, I would applaud it and give an an omniscient "Thank you".