Sep 25, 2011 23:36
Well, Eastern European Bootleg Non-Articulated AT-AT Commander (Ebnac, for short) had a real hard life. When he was born, his dad thought he was a blue yoda because his paint job was fucked all up, so he put TNT on him and sent him on a raft down river towards the Jawa Junk Dam to try and blow it up, scaring all those jawas.
Eastern European Bootleg Non-Articulated AT-AT Commander got wettied by the river, so the TNT didn't work. Instead, he got found and raised by Tusken Raiders, who beat him and taught him right from wrong. Well, at least as far as they understand it. They are godless aborigines
Ebnac and Hand Solo are shopping at the Big Lots in the early evening.
Ebnac - Well, my mama taught me not to be a fool
Hand Solo - I still think these bike short are a great deal, for only five poscreds
Ebnac - Those bike shorts are too small, they are for yodas!
Hand - Yodas do not ride bikes! You are so crazy
Ebnac - It is Sullustan Syphilis. It is ravaging my mind
Hand - You hadden sex with a whore from Anchorhead, I'll warrant!
Ebnac - Indeed, I am a regular at Cheesecorn Edna's Slut Barn.
Hand - Great Yoda! Her cooze is cursed with a curdy turp! And her women, if they can be called that, possess gardens wickeder than old Emperor Pulpy, through which even Bossk dares not run!
Ebnac - And all of them sickly
Hand - Nay! You low-born cur! You've been had by ol' Cheesecorn! She saves the healthy dames for the Jedis
Ebnac - Well I'm furious I'm gonna go get vengeance
Hand - That's great. I bet Luke Skywalker would help you. His wife Princess Leia used to work there, and Edna's been stiffin' her on her pension!
Ebnac - Oh, this is great! Finally, a chance to gain vengeance side-by-side with a real Jedi!
Hand - Yeah, this is a good thing. I'm happy for you!
Ebnac - People are going to look at Eastern European Bootleg Non-Articulated AT-AT Commander differently after this!
Hand - Oh, I know! Better hurry up
So Ebnac calls a taxi to take him to Luke's mansion in the princely Hutt Knolls subdivision. Next-door neighbor Alex Trebek is outside, watering his lawn, as always.
Ebnac - Lord Skywalker, please help me get vengeance on Cheesecorn Edna!
Luke - That sounds like bullshit, why should I help you you aren't even a Jedi
Ebnac - Edna's holding out on Leia's whore pension
Alex - Oh shit no he didn't
Luke - Egg your time, Booty*!
So Luke whips out his lifesaver and beheads Eastern European Bootleg Non-Articulated AT-AT Commander so quickly that Eastern European Bootleg Non-Articulated AT-AT Commander doesn't even have time to fully process what's happening. Alex Trebek grinds up the remains and uses them to fertilize his hydrangeas.
Hand Solo, meanwhile, snuck into his friend's house and masturbated to his VHS copy of Small Soldiers, I guess the parts with Kirsten Dunst. I dunno, kinda twisted. But that's Hand, man. He's twisted. Like a darker version of Insane Clowns, or maybe like a real twisted, fucked-up Rob Zombie, but even more twisted than that
* "Booty" is a derogatory term for a bootleg figure.
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