Ideas
Dear Diary,
After several hours of trying to teach bananas how to speak, I realized that even if I could find a way to teach them, they still could not speak because they don't have the necessary body parts. Ugh! That’s it. I need a new idea.
Reality TV is somehow very popular these days. In an attempt to 1-up the latest shows, I set up a camera in the living room of a reality TV show viewer. It's a reality TV show about someone watching a reality TV show. Basically, I caught five hours of someone watching a Real World marathon. It was boring as hell.
To get things going a little bit, I decided to run on the set with a loaded handgun and shoot at the windows and the lights. You should have seen the guys face! Now that's reality TV!
I invented something called the Sue Master 5000. It's an earpiece that tells you when there is an opportunity to sue the hell out of someone. For example, if you spill some coffee on your lap, the Sue Master 5000 will scan the cup and its surroundings automatically and determine whether it's ok to sue. The cup does not say, 'Coffee is hot?' The Sue Master immediately says "Sue! Sue! Sue!" You eat at a fast food restaurant and the scale says you are gaining weight. "Sue! Sue! Sue!"
That idea didn't go very well after someone sued me because of a bizarre ear injury involving the Sue Master 5000.
Now I sit here, writing in my diary, brainstorming but coming up with nothing. It's not very realistic to believe I'll think of some great idea that will make me rich enough to retire on. I guess I have to work hard like most people, but that's not so bad. There is pride in knowing I've worked hard for everything I have.
"You are quite lazy sometimes," said the banana.
I stared at the banana in disbelief. "Holy shit, you can talk!" I finally said and I pulled out a handgun and unloaded magazine after magazine of ammunition on the talking fruit.
I had to kick myself afterwards for what I just did, "Ah crap, I was going to get rich off of that."
The police came over 30 minutes later. Something about loud noises, I wasn't really paying attention. "What's going on in here?" one of them demanded.
"Banana smoothies?" I offered them the refreshing treat.