11::$0.00
Today, or maybe yesterday, I decided to quit smoking. Or, Kari decided to quit smoking and I decided to join her. Ok, so Kari was told by the doctor that she needed to quit, so she just quit. Just like that. Like it was nothing. Bitch.
And since it was such a non-thing for her, I figured I'd quit too.
It's not a non-thing.
It's a thing.
One of things I hate about "quitting," --I am in fact an expert at quitting smoking, since I've "quit" several times before, with varying degrees of success, i.e. all failures-- is that once people know that you're quitting, they give you shit about it. Shit, in this sense, has several meanings, depending on who the shit is coming from. From old ex-smokers, shit is advice that's so mundane and trivial and obvious that it just pisses you off and makes you want to smoke. From non-smokers, shit is the traditional definition of shit in the sense of giving someone shit, inasmuch as every time they see you smoke, they say shit like "I thought you were quitting," all indignant and judgmental. Fuck off. This takes time, and baby steps, and smoking a little less each day until you don't anymore. I guess that's how it works, since I've never actually quit before, I've just gone through the quitting process. From smokers, shit is defined as exactly what you want to hear exactly when you want to hear it, such as "Really? Only X so far today? That's good!" or "Yeah, I know, it's tough. Good luck." The reason why this counts as shit is because all of these things are said in the smoking section while you're smoking with them, and most times, you just bummed one from one of them.
Side note, I'm only 10 inches to a foot away from my monitor, and it's kind of hard to read. Granted, I don't have my glasses on, but still, this is just ridiculous. Now I'm gonna have to go get my glasses and I'll probably lose my train of thought and when I get back I'll sit down, re-adjust my glasses, re-read this, and try to pick up where I left off. Dammit.
................
That's better. Now where was I? Hmm, ok. On some sort of crazy self-indulgent rant.
So let me get to the point. During this quitting phase, which I really, REALLY want to get through and end up as a non-smoker on the other side, I've already experienced a pretty few bad cravings. Well, actually, that's not true, because I've been smoking. But I know from quitting before that the cravings will come, and they will be bad, and I will feel tired and jittery and hungry all the time. And that's ok, as long as I don't give in. They do go away, and come back, and go away, each time a little weaker, until it just kind of fades away. Or so I've heard, from other people who have successfully quit. I usually give up after the first or second REAL craving.
I'm saying all of this because I want to be honest about this. For some reason, quitting smoking feels like the most emasculating thing on the planet. I don't know why, but it makes you feel weak. Maybe because it involves admitting that you are ADDICTED to something and don't have control over your life, whereas when you are smoking, you look cool and IN CONTROL. Point is, people who are "quitting" are liars. Lying liars. The worst. "Yeah, I've only had 3 today." Bullshit, you've had at least 5.
So this time, I'm gonna to try and put it all out there. See, there's another thing about quitters. We're hesitant to make a commitment one way or another, so that it doesn't get thrown back in our face if/when we fail and start smoking regularly again.
"I thought you were quitting."
"No, I was trying to quit, there's a difference."
So, here goes. I'm quitting. I just said it out loud too. It sounded weird. Not for any deep or fitting reason, but because I'm home alone and the clack of keys stopped, followed immediately by a man's voice saying "I'm quitting smoking."
Right now, I really want a cigarette. I'm not going to have one.
It's making it kind of hard to focus.
That's another reason why smokers who are quitting aren't so forthcoming about it. Because it IS a big deal, and it IS hard, but compared to the other addictions, it's kind of weak to complain. Imagine, if you will:
"I'm quitting smoking, and it really sucks man. It's really hard."
"Yeah, I know. I used to be addicted to coke."
"..."
"..."
"Fuck you."
I just IMAGINED myself walking across the room and opening the patio door and going outside for a cigarette. Not good.
Is it worse because I'm writing about it? That's kind of the point here, to use this journal for something positive. To use it push through the cravings and be honest, and at the same time, start writing again. Like I used to.
I suppose I should make a list of pros and cons about smoking. To be honest. When you're quitting, you have a tendency to try and only talk about the negatives, which makes you only THINK about the positives. So I'm going to talk about both, so that nothing is left LURKING.
PROS
Calming
Makes you look cool (don't lie, it does)
Social (it's easy for smokers to make friends, just find some other smokers)
Goes good with beer
Goes good with coffee
Gives you an excuse to take breaks throughout the day. Yeah, we know it's unfair, non-smokers. We play that. There I said it.
Suppresses hunger
I'm addicted to them
CONS
expensive
makes your breath smell bad
makes your mouth taste bad
makes your fingers smell bad and turn yellow
makes your clothes smell bad
makes your car smell bad
makes your car messy from all of the empty boxes
makes your lungs hurt
makes you cough up some nasty yellow shit in the morning
hard to tell if you're getting sick or if you just smoked to much recently
research suggests that it can cause a whole slew of bad shit
there's a bunch of places where you can't smoke now. Like bars.
And now, for another list:
WHY IT'S HARD TO QUIT
When you aren't smoking as often, each cigarette is that much better. You can actually get a buzz from smoking, whereas you don't when you smoke all the frickin time.
You always want just one more. One thing smokers who have admitted that they are addicted always say is that they wish they sold individual cigarettes, or just half-packs. Because if you REALLY want just ONE MORE, you can only buy ten at a time. And then you have nine left. And let's face it, if you've got 'em, you're gonna smoke 'em.
They're legal. Therefore, it's really easy to find them when you want them. Every gas station, grocer, and fucking pharmacy (!) sells cigarettes. Ridiculous. The place you go to buy shit to make you feel better when you are sick, the embodiment of trying to get healthier, sells fucking cigarettes. And they have the best prices. Fuck you Walgreens, and fuck the fact that you are right there within walking distance, and that you don't sell beer.
It's a LIFE CHANGING event. And change is scary.
It makes you feel weak when you have a really bad craving, and if you just give up and smoke, you don't have to feel guilty about smoking.
You're HUNGRY all the fucking time. It's nuts.
((end of list))
So now I'm going to explain the title of this entry. From here on out, entries are going to follow this naming scheme:
number of cigarettes today::amount of money put in savings.
Further explanation, once the current supply of cigarettes runs out, I'm going to start putting $4.00 in savings every day that I don't buy cigarettes, because my average rate of consumption is one pack/day, and cigarettes cost approximately $4.00/pack. Kari's average rate of consumption is one half of a pack/day, so I will put in $2.00 per day for her.
As an example, today's entry is "11::$0.00. This indicates that I have consumed eleven cigarettes today.
1) One on the way to work.
2) One during a break, at which point I lied and told Chris that it was my first cigarette of the day.
3) One on the way to pick up Kari for lunch.
4) One after dropping Kari off and heading back to work.
5) Another on the way back to work.
6) One during a break, 2:00ish?
7) Another break, 4:00ish?
8) One in the parking lot while talking to Chris and Newbie.
9) One on the way home from work.
10) One with Kari before she left to go to work. I feel really bad about that, even though it was her idea, because she was doing so good and I feel like my bad influence caused her to fail.
11) One while I was making the CONS list (above)
Being that the current supply of cigarettes is not exhausted, I have not yet begun putting money in savings.
And since it was such a non-thing for her, I figured I'd quit too.
It's not a non-thing.
It's a thing.
One of things I hate about "quitting," --I am in fact an expert at quitting smoking, since I've "quit" several times before, with varying degrees of success, i.e. all failures-- is that once people know that you're quitting, they give you shit about it. Shit, in this sense, has several meanings, depending on who the shit is coming from. From old ex-smokers, shit is advice that's so mundane and trivial and obvious that it just pisses you off and makes you want to smoke. From non-smokers, shit is the traditional definition of shit in the sense of giving someone shit, inasmuch as every time they see you smoke, they say shit like "I thought you were quitting," all indignant and judgmental. Fuck off. This takes time, and baby steps, and smoking a little less each day until you don't anymore. I guess that's how it works, since I've never actually quit before, I've just gone through the quitting process. From smokers, shit is defined as exactly what you want to hear exactly when you want to hear it, such as "Really? Only X so far today? That's good!" or "Yeah, I know, it's tough. Good luck." The reason why this counts as shit is because all of these things are said in the smoking section while you're smoking with them, and most times, you just bummed one from one of them.
Side note, I'm only 10 inches to a foot away from my monitor, and it's kind of hard to read. Granted, I don't have my glasses on, but still, this is just ridiculous. Now I'm gonna have to go get my glasses and I'll probably lose my train of thought and when I get back I'll sit down, re-adjust my glasses, re-read this, and try to pick up where I left off. Dammit.
................
That's better. Now where was I? Hmm, ok. On some sort of crazy self-indulgent rant.
So let me get to the point. During this quitting phase, which I really, REALLY want to get through and end up as a non-smoker on the other side, I've already experienced a pretty few bad cravings. Well, actually, that's not true, because I've been smoking. But I know from quitting before that the cravings will come, and they will be bad, and I will feel tired and jittery and hungry all the time. And that's ok, as long as I don't give in. They do go away, and come back, and go away, each time a little weaker, until it just kind of fades away. Or so I've heard, from other people who have successfully quit. I usually give up after the first or second REAL craving.
I'm saying all of this because I want to be honest about this. For some reason, quitting smoking feels like the most emasculating thing on the planet. I don't know why, but it makes you feel weak. Maybe because it involves admitting that you are ADDICTED to something and don't have control over your life, whereas when you are smoking, you look cool and IN CONTROL. Point is, people who are "quitting" are liars. Lying liars. The worst. "Yeah, I've only had 3 today." Bullshit, you've had at least 5.
So this time, I'm gonna to try and put it all out there. See, there's another thing about quitters. We're hesitant to make a commitment one way or another, so that it doesn't get thrown back in our face if/when we fail and start smoking regularly again.
"I thought you were quitting."
"No, I was trying to quit, there's a difference."
So, here goes. I'm quitting. I just said it out loud too. It sounded weird. Not for any deep or fitting reason, but because I'm home alone and the clack of keys stopped, followed immediately by a man's voice saying "I'm quitting smoking."
Right now, I really want a cigarette. I'm not going to have one.
It's making it kind of hard to focus.
That's another reason why smokers who are quitting aren't so forthcoming about it. Because it IS a big deal, and it IS hard, but compared to the other addictions, it's kind of weak to complain. Imagine, if you will:
"I'm quitting smoking, and it really sucks man. It's really hard."
"Yeah, I know. I used to be addicted to coke."
"..."
"..."
"Fuck you."
I just IMAGINED myself walking across the room and opening the patio door and going outside for a cigarette. Not good.
Is it worse because I'm writing about it? That's kind of the point here, to use this journal for something positive. To use it push through the cravings and be honest, and at the same time, start writing again. Like I used to.
I suppose I should make a list of pros and cons about smoking. To be honest. When you're quitting, you have a tendency to try and only talk about the negatives, which makes you only THINK about the positives. So I'm going to talk about both, so that nothing is left LURKING.
PROS
Calming
Makes you look cool (don't lie, it does)
Social (it's easy for smokers to make friends, just find some other smokers)
Goes good with beer
Goes good with coffee
Gives you an excuse to take breaks throughout the day. Yeah, we know it's unfair, non-smokers. We play that. There I said it.
Suppresses hunger
I'm addicted to them
CONS
expensive
makes your breath smell bad
makes your mouth taste bad
makes your fingers smell bad and turn yellow
makes your clothes smell bad
makes your car smell bad
makes your car messy from all of the empty boxes
makes your lungs hurt
makes you cough up some nasty yellow shit in the morning
hard to tell if you're getting sick or if you just smoked to much recently
research suggests that it can cause a whole slew of bad shit
there's a bunch of places where you can't smoke now. Like bars.
And now, for another list:
WHY IT'S HARD TO QUIT
When you aren't smoking as often, each cigarette is that much better. You can actually get a buzz from smoking, whereas you don't when you smoke all the frickin time.
You always want just one more. One thing smokers who have admitted that they are addicted always say is that they wish they sold individual cigarettes, or just half-packs. Because if you REALLY want just ONE MORE, you can only buy ten at a time. And then you have nine left. And let's face it, if you've got 'em, you're gonna smoke 'em.
They're legal. Therefore, it's really easy to find them when you want them. Every gas station, grocer, and fucking pharmacy (!) sells cigarettes. Ridiculous. The place you go to buy shit to make you feel better when you are sick, the embodiment of trying to get healthier, sells fucking cigarettes. And they have the best prices. Fuck you Walgreens, and fuck the fact that you are right there within walking distance, and that you don't sell beer.
It's a LIFE CHANGING event. And change is scary.
It makes you feel weak when you have a really bad craving, and if you just give up and smoke, you don't have to feel guilty about smoking.
You're HUNGRY all the fucking time. It's nuts.
((end of list))
So now I'm going to explain the title of this entry. From here on out, entries are going to follow this naming scheme:
number of cigarettes today::amount of money put in savings.
Further explanation, once the current supply of cigarettes runs out, I'm going to start putting $4.00 in savings every day that I don't buy cigarettes, because my average rate of consumption is one pack/day, and cigarettes cost approximately $4.00/pack. Kari's average rate of consumption is one half of a pack/day, so I will put in $2.00 per day for her.
As an example, today's entry is "11::$0.00. This indicates that I have consumed eleven cigarettes today.
1) One on the way to work.
2) One during a break, at which point I lied and told Chris that it was my first cigarette of the day.
3) One on the way to pick up Kari for lunch.
4) One after dropping Kari off and heading back to work.
5) Another on the way back to work.
6) One during a break, 2:00ish?
7) Another break, 4:00ish?
8) One in the parking lot while talking to Chris and Newbie.
9) One on the way home from work.
10) One with Kari before she left to go to work. I feel really bad about that, even though it was her idea, because she was doing so good and I feel like my bad influence caused her to fail.
11) One while I was making the CONS list (above)
Being that the current supply of cigarettes is not exhausted, I have not yet begun putting money in savings.