Moseying along
Yes, I know it's been a while since my last update, so let's just not bring it up anymore lol. Sadly, not much has changed since last time...but that's actually beginning to...umm...change. I'm starting to start stuff if that makes any sense. I've actually been pretty down and depressed for a while. Maybe that's why I play too much FFXI--to somehow escape from this cruel reality. Or maybe it's because that game is just too damn fun. Either one...XD But anyways...a lot of things have been bugging me lately that I just pushed aside. My lack of a love life for one...it's been this long, you'd think I'd be used to it by now...ha ha ha ha...I'm not even sure why I need to be in a relationship to feel complete. Maybe it's not the relationship perse, but knowing that I'm wanted. I'm not sure how to put it into words...right now is basically a stream of conciousness without the random crap. I like grapes, but ony the ones without seeds. I think they're too much work to deal with.
And another thing that I've been thinking about is my future. It's just so full of uncertainty, so many roads to take, and I don't know which one is the right one for me. I was hoping this break would kind of help me destress from all those years of going to school and work, but it really hasn't. New problems surfaced when those problems disappeared. Much bigger problems and again I'm faced with a decision that will definitely alter my life. And I'm trying to look deep within myself to make sure what's the right path for me to take. I'm just filled with so much doubt in myself, that it's hard to me to get the motivation to do anything. The other day I was actually looking through monster.com to see what kind of jobs interested me. There were a few, but they required at least 1-2 years experience...even when the title said Entry Position. Doesn't sound like so entry position if you ask me. I wish I had looked for internships while I was still in college, but I was relying on the fact that I would be able to transfer into Corporate Disney with little to no problem. Not such the case as there was never the opportunity there for me...from what I saw anyways. And the jobs that looked interesting and I probably was qualified for...I seriously questioned myself and asked, "Can I do something like this? Am I capable of doing this? It's a lot of responsibility. What if I screw up?" I guess a lot of people have these thoughts. But instead of going for it, I just chicken out. Sometimes, I just wish I was able to see what other people see in me. People are always saying I can do this and I can do that, but I just shrug it off because I don't believe it.
That and I'm starting to get a lot of pressure from my parents about finding a job. If anything, I hate being pushed to do things. Just let me do things my way on my own time. I know it's hard for them to see me "wasting" my education...I just wish they knew what I was actually going through. And it's hard for me to communicate with my parents. I know they want the best for me, but it seems like they want what they think is best for me and care very little about my own opinions. I can't even talk to them without them telling me that I need to look for a job. So I spend most of the day cooped up in my room playing FFXI trying to avoid everyone.
Ugh...there's so many things that are weighing down on me...my physical appearance, lack of a social life...oh my God. Just listen to me...I'm always the one saying that I have no pity for someone that complains about things that they have the power to change. I have the power to change things for the better. I've been too busy trying to find happiness from others, that I didn't realize that I was the only one that could do that. ha ha ha...well..what do you know? These journals actually do come in handy. I just gave myself therapy. This is exactly the kick start I needed. Today's a good day.
I was talking to Roupen last night...he's really good for pep talks and dishing out advice. I envy him sometimes because of that. People usually come to me with their problems and I usually don't know what to say or do to make them feel better or to even help them in their solution. But with him, it just seems to come out naturally and it all rings true. Chickenhead is quite full of wisdom, despite his lack for punctuality...lol...but that kinda started me thinking that it was time to do something. This entry just completely reinforced that. So I did some things today to get started. Like...I finally got a haircut. Actually nothing that drastic...I like my current style...I liked having longer hair. I mean...I've had short hair my entire life and I always hate it. So I got a layer cut, took off about an inch, and thinned out the back and sides. It made a huge difference. It definitely feels lighter...it doesn't look like I have on a helmet anymore. It's great! I think for once in my life, I'm happy about my hair. And it's pretty versatile. I can push it forward if I want bangs, slick it back, part it to the side for a more conservative look. And I did something totally gay/metrosexual as I've never heard about a normal joe straight guy doing this...but I waxed some parts of my face. Specifically my cheeks. It always had a little fuzz that although not very noticeable always bugged me. But now I have wax all over my hands from trying to clean the applicator and it won't come off. So anyone that has played with wax before...how the hell do you get rid of it? Or will it just go away with time kinda thing? lol...I'm hopeless...but not too bad for my first time. ^^
Anyways...this entry has far exceeded your attention span. I will actually be surprised if you make it this far. If so...congraulations! You don't have ADD!! zomglolwtf
<3 Jonny
And another thing that I've been thinking about is my future. It's just so full of uncertainty, so many roads to take, and I don't know which one is the right one for me. I was hoping this break would kind of help me destress from all those years of going to school and work, but it really hasn't. New problems surfaced when those problems disappeared. Much bigger problems and again I'm faced with a decision that will definitely alter my life. And I'm trying to look deep within myself to make sure what's the right path for me to take. I'm just filled with so much doubt in myself, that it's hard to me to get the motivation to do anything. The other day I was actually looking through monster.com to see what kind of jobs interested me. There were a few, but they required at least 1-2 years experience...even when the title said Entry Position. Doesn't sound like so entry position if you ask me. I wish I had looked for internships while I was still in college, but I was relying on the fact that I would be able to transfer into Corporate Disney with little to no problem. Not such the case as there was never the opportunity there for me...from what I saw anyways. And the jobs that looked interesting and I probably was qualified for...I seriously questioned myself and asked, "Can I do something like this? Am I capable of doing this? It's a lot of responsibility. What if I screw up?" I guess a lot of people have these thoughts. But instead of going for it, I just chicken out. Sometimes, I just wish I was able to see what other people see in me. People are always saying I can do this and I can do that, but I just shrug it off because I don't believe it.
That and I'm starting to get a lot of pressure from my parents about finding a job. If anything, I hate being pushed to do things. Just let me do things my way on my own time. I know it's hard for them to see me "wasting" my education...I just wish they knew what I was actually going through. And it's hard for me to communicate with my parents. I know they want the best for me, but it seems like they want what they think is best for me and care very little about my own opinions. I can't even talk to them without them telling me that I need to look for a job. So I spend most of the day cooped up in my room playing FFXI trying to avoid everyone.
Ugh...there's so many things that are weighing down on me...my physical appearance, lack of a social life...oh my God. Just listen to me...I'm always the one saying that I have no pity for someone that complains about things that they have the power to change. I have the power to change things for the better. I've been too busy trying to find happiness from others, that I didn't realize that I was the only one that could do that. ha ha ha...well..what do you know? These journals actually do come in handy. I just gave myself therapy. This is exactly the kick start I needed. Today's a good day.
I was talking to Roupen last night...he's really good for pep talks and dishing out advice. I envy him sometimes because of that. People usually come to me with their problems and I usually don't know what to say or do to make them feel better or to even help them in their solution. But with him, it just seems to come out naturally and it all rings true. Chickenhead is quite full of wisdom, despite his lack for punctuality...lol...but that kinda started me thinking that it was time to do something. This entry just completely reinforced that. So I did some things today to get started. Like...I finally got a haircut. Actually nothing that drastic...I like my current style...I liked having longer hair. I mean...I've had short hair my entire life and I always hate it. So I got a layer cut, took off about an inch, and thinned out the back and sides. It made a huge difference. It definitely feels lighter...it doesn't look like I have on a helmet anymore. It's great! I think for once in my life, I'm happy about my hair. And it's pretty versatile. I can push it forward if I want bangs, slick it back, part it to the side for a more conservative look. And I did something totally gay/metrosexual as I've never heard about a normal joe straight guy doing this...but I waxed some parts of my face. Specifically my cheeks. It always had a little fuzz that although not very noticeable always bugged me. But now I have wax all over my hands from trying to clean the applicator and it won't come off. So anyone that has played with wax before...how the hell do you get rid of it? Or will it just go away with time kinda thing? lol...I'm hopeless...but not too bad for my first time. ^^
Anyways...this entry has far exceeded your attention span. I will actually be surprised if you make it this far. If so...congraulations! You don't have ADD!! zomglolwtf
<3 Jonny