Rock and a Hard place
Since starting up playing Final Fantasy XI again, I haven't passed the stage of "play whenever you can"! And seeing as I have no schedule or set responsiblities, I have spent every waking moment in the game. It's been a lot of good times though. I got into the same server I was in a year ago, and I'm hanging out with all my old friends again. It's kinda fun. And since I already know my way around, things seem to be going by faster. Despite my many, many, many distractions...I've already managed to get one job to 30, so now I'm working on the advanced job quests. I just got summoner today, and boy was I excited! Ha ha ha...but I digress. It's screwed up my sleep schedule, that's for sure. I was going to be normally around 2am, but then I started getting invites from Japanese parties! Can't say no to those! I'm guaranteed to get a couple levels that way! The only problem was that it was their night time, and they didn't end up disbanding until 7am PST. So guess what time I usually sleep now! I'm trying to rectify that though...and start sleeping early. Fission mailed as of right now, seeing as I started trying to sleep at around 3am, and I'm still awake. The constant tossing and turning was driving me nuts, so I picked up my laptop to check my mail...and now I'm here.
It's nearing 5am and I don't think I'm going to be getting any sleep any time soon. Also, if you haven't noticed, I haven't been around much. One word can explain what has been going on though: nothing. I'm still jobless, and I haven't been looking. This break was only supposed to last a couple months tops, but I find myself enjoying it way too much to let it go. Andrea calls me the king of Burnout. And no, that's not referring to the game. For so many years, I've been going to school full-time, with working full-time, having to take care of my family...that I never had time for myself. And I guess I'm making up for that now, even though I know I should start looking to my future. And even that bothers me. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I spent 5 years in college, came out with a degree, and I'm still not sure if that's the path I want to take. The more I think about it, the more I believe there's no place for me. It's past 5am now, and it's during these times where I have nothing else to do, but think. I'm sure we all know that no good can come from that. I don't even know what's out there for me. Perhaps I should start searching through monster to see what kind of jobs interest me and work from there. But whatever happens, it has to happen quick. I'm definitely out in the open financially and because I still don't have benefits. I'm actually surprised I've lasted this long.
It doesn't help that all but one of my high school friends have careers now and seem to be doing well for themselves. And now they keep calling me to let me know about trips they're planning. They went snowboarding a few times in the past couple months, but I couldn't go because I couldn't afford it. It's funny...while I was still working, I didn't have the time but I had plenty of money...now that I'm not working, I have plenty of time but no money. And now they're planning on going white water rafting in May/June. Then camping at Tahoe. Like...wtf...where did this sunddenly come from? This was my group of friends that did nothing with eachother other than playing tennis on Sunday mornings and going to eat out. That's what we did. Now they're off doing all these trips and vacations? wtf? And I know who's starting this...it's Uyen. Which is even more funny because she's the one that's still in college and can't afford anything...yet wants to do all these things. In a way I'm envious, but I'm also pissed at her approach. When she wants everyone to do something, she pushes and pushes them to do her bidding. Today for instance...she was telling me about the white water rafting trip...and I told her I couldn't go because I couldn't afford it. And anyways...I may be working by that time so I don't know if I could get the time off. Then she starts lecturing me about buying a new computer and all this bullshit and how MY MONEY should be spent on going out and doing these fucking trips. Of course, I'd love to do some of these activities, BUT DON'T FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY MONEY AND MY LIFE. And after that, I told her I had to go. Regardless...I can't help but feel left out now. I feel like an outsider...there's always something blocking me from hanging out with them. If they still wanted to go eat out and play tennis...I could still do that. But no, they want to do things that require a lot of money. Whatever...I'm over it. They're all too wrapped up with themselves, I'm surprised we're all still "good friends". We can't even talk to each other about our problems...just exactly how close are we?
And now my mom's talking about going back to the Phillipines...for good. That was a complete and utter shock to me. She wants to go home...and that makes me worry that she doesn't have much more left in her. I don't want to think about that, but the thought still lingers in my head and it scares me. I've already lost her once and I don't want to lose her again, but I can't escape the inevitable. Just thinking about that, my past is full of regrets when it comes to my relationship with my mother. So many things I could have done, could have said... But anyways...I'm even surprised that she got clearance to fly from her doctor. Being in high altitudes causes blood clotting. It happens to all of us, but since my mom has had a stroke, it's a great risk for her. There's a possibility she won't survive the 16-hour flight, and again that scares me. Actually...it doesn't surprise me that she got clearance. It's from the same fucking doctor that let her go back to work one week after she got a stent put into one of her arteries. First day she got back to work and she had a stroke. I fucking hate that doctor so much. Everytime I see him I want to punch him in the face. And he knows I hate him...he showed up to the hospital the day my mom had an aneurysm...a few days after the initial stroke. I just glared at him, and he knew it was his fault for allowing her to go back to work. I brought my mom to his office a couple days ago...I don't even know why she goes there still...with what happened. The fucker couldn't even look me in the eyes.
And fucking JR. He got dumped by his girlfriend because he's a selfish jackass...so now he wants to go back to the Phillipines to find a Filipina. And he's making such a big deal about it...telling everyone his plans, and forcing people to go that don't want to go...like me (I'm not going though...if I'm going anywhere across the Pacific, it's Japan). And being the way my mom is, decided to jump on the bandwagon. I could just smack him right now.
And woah...this entry turned angsty. Wasn't my intention...I guess it was just pent up emotions I had. Hmm...it's starting to get light outside which tells me I should try to sleep again. I guess I'll end this here. So good night / good morning....
It's nearing 5am and I don't think I'm going to be getting any sleep any time soon. Also, if you haven't noticed, I haven't been around much. One word can explain what has been going on though: nothing. I'm still jobless, and I haven't been looking. This break was only supposed to last a couple months tops, but I find myself enjoying it way too much to let it go. Andrea calls me the king of Burnout. And no, that's not referring to the game. For so many years, I've been going to school full-time, with working full-time, having to take care of my family...that I never had time for myself. And I guess I'm making up for that now, even though I know I should start looking to my future. And even that bothers me. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I spent 5 years in college, came out with a degree, and I'm still not sure if that's the path I want to take. The more I think about it, the more I believe there's no place for me. It's past 5am now, and it's during these times where I have nothing else to do, but think. I'm sure we all know that no good can come from that. I don't even know what's out there for me. Perhaps I should start searching through monster to see what kind of jobs interest me and work from there. But whatever happens, it has to happen quick. I'm definitely out in the open financially and because I still don't have benefits. I'm actually surprised I've lasted this long.
It doesn't help that all but one of my high school friends have careers now and seem to be doing well for themselves. And now they keep calling me to let me know about trips they're planning. They went snowboarding a few times in the past couple months, but I couldn't go because I couldn't afford it. It's funny...while I was still working, I didn't have the time but I had plenty of money...now that I'm not working, I have plenty of time but no money. And now they're planning on going white water rafting in May/June. Then camping at Tahoe. Like...wtf...where did this sunddenly come from? This was my group of friends that did nothing with eachother other than playing tennis on Sunday mornings and going to eat out. That's what we did. Now they're off doing all these trips and vacations? wtf? And I know who's starting this...it's Uyen. Which is even more funny because she's the one that's still in college and can't afford anything...yet wants to do all these things. In a way I'm envious, but I'm also pissed at her approach. When she wants everyone to do something, she pushes and pushes them to do her bidding. Today for instance...she was telling me about the white water rafting trip...and I told her I couldn't go because I couldn't afford it. And anyways...I may be working by that time so I don't know if I could get the time off. Then she starts lecturing me about buying a new computer and all this bullshit and how MY MONEY should be spent on going out and doing these fucking trips. Of course, I'd love to do some of these activities, BUT DON'T FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY MONEY AND MY LIFE. And after that, I told her I had to go. Regardless...I can't help but feel left out now. I feel like an outsider...there's always something blocking me from hanging out with them. If they still wanted to go eat out and play tennis...I could still do that. But no, they want to do things that require a lot of money. Whatever...I'm over it. They're all too wrapped up with themselves, I'm surprised we're all still "good friends". We can't even talk to each other about our problems...just exactly how close are we?
And now my mom's talking about going back to the Phillipines...for good. That was a complete and utter shock to me. She wants to go home...and that makes me worry that she doesn't have much more left in her. I don't want to think about that, but the thought still lingers in my head and it scares me. I've already lost her once and I don't want to lose her again, but I can't escape the inevitable. Just thinking about that, my past is full of regrets when it comes to my relationship with my mother. So many things I could have done, could have said... But anyways...I'm even surprised that she got clearance to fly from her doctor. Being in high altitudes causes blood clotting. It happens to all of us, but since my mom has had a stroke, it's a great risk for her. There's a possibility she won't survive the 16-hour flight, and again that scares me. Actually...it doesn't surprise me that she got clearance. It's from the same fucking doctor that let her go back to work one week after she got a stent put into one of her arteries. First day she got back to work and she had a stroke. I fucking hate that doctor so much. Everytime I see him I want to punch him in the face. And he knows I hate him...he showed up to the hospital the day my mom had an aneurysm...a few days after the initial stroke. I just glared at him, and he knew it was his fault for allowing her to go back to work. I brought my mom to his office a couple days ago...I don't even know why she goes there still...with what happened. The fucker couldn't even look me in the eyes.
And fucking JR. He got dumped by his girlfriend because he's a selfish jackass...so now he wants to go back to the Phillipines to find a Filipina. And he's making such a big deal about it...telling everyone his plans, and forcing people to go that don't want to go...like me (I'm not going though...if I'm going anywhere across the Pacific, it's Japan). And being the way my mom is, decided to jump on the bandwagon. I could just smack him right now.
And woah...this entry turned angsty. Wasn't my intention...I guess it was just pent up emotions I had. Hmm...it's starting to get light outside which tells me I should try to sleep again. I guess I'll end this here. So good night / good morning....