(no subject)
I'm going to write something tonight, I swear. The lyrics I posted earlier were from last night's attempt at writing. I can sit here, and I've got nothing to do but write. I'm not being bothered, I'm not busy, and I don't have anywhere to be. No one expects anything from me right now. Or maybe they do?
I'm sitting here trying to work through my writers block, but it's not that I can't write. It's that I don't have the feeling I need to write something I'll like. I feel like I have plenty to say, but that seems to be the problem -- I only want to write one thing.
I feel like when I sit down and begin typing, and start writing, that I need to create my magnum opus. Every time. And it's getting harder to fill my own shoes.
I watched this speech that Dave Grohl gave as his keynote speech at SXSW last night, and it was so insanely inspiring. It literally motivated me to sit down and write. And write for the reasons that I used to write -- because it felt good. Not because I was under the gun, or had a deadline to meet. I suppose I could always avoid running into that feeling just by simply writing all the time, and having my material to pull from when I need it, but I just haven't been in that groove lately.
I've got a million and one other things on my mind right now, and it's hard for me to sit down every time I feel like I do have something to say. Even this isn't a creative writing attempt -- it's just a vent. It's exactly how I used to write in this thing all the time when I was in high school. It's crazy to think of all of the dozens of journals I used to buy and attempt to keep. I'm left with two or three, and I honestly haven't written in either in months, if not years. But this thing? I've been writing it in sporadically and close together for the past 12-13 years. That's fucking insane.
I'd like to go through and read some old entries, but I'm just not in the right frame of mind for that. I was such a young and angsty teenager at one point. And I don't really know what happened to him, but as glad as I am that he's gone for the most part, I wish he'd come back and remind me why I ever felt the need to sit down and write. I used to lie and tell people to stop reading my journal if I said something that offended them, but I secretly wanted them to read what I was writing. Now, Livejournal seems to have died down almost entirely since it's glory days, so I'm fairly certain that there's only a handful of people in the world that ever stop by and notice when I post an update. There are communities that I'm a part of that I haven't posted in for the better part of the last decade. College was the only time where I HAD to be at my computer doing shit for papers and whatnot. And amongst dating girls over the years, I had enough heartache to fill this journal for decades. And I guess I'm just over that.
What will be, will be.
I used to post lyrics from my favorite bands or favorite songs at the time, and I used to post quotes, and Taoist and Buddhist sayings. And believe me, at the ripe age of 16, I was positive I knew what they meant. And I still think that I did. But there's this disconnect between learning something, and being able to apply it with every fiber of your being. It fucking sucks to feel like I'm too old now. I want that naivety back. And the more I find myself writing in this particular entry, the more I start to find the subject of the song that I want to write.
You can't get it back.
I almost stopped this entry right there. When you know too much, there becomes fewer and fewer things that you don't understand, and fewer and fewer things that can upset you. I'm not jaded. I can't be. But I'll be damned if I just don't get riled up or pissed off like I used to.
Too calm and collected, and I keep asking for more of that. Maybe I need less.
A life of frivolity.
But you can't get it back, and you can't unlearn the things you needed to learn.
I'm sitting here trying to work through my writers block, but it's not that I can't write. It's that I don't have the feeling I need to write something I'll like. I feel like I have plenty to say, but that seems to be the problem -- I only want to write one thing.
I feel like when I sit down and begin typing, and start writing, that I need to create my magnum opus. Every time. And it's getting harder to fill my own shoes.
I watched this speech that Dave Grohl gave as his keynote speech at SXSW last night, and it was so insanely inspiring. It literally motivated me to sit down and write. And write for the reasons that I used to write -- because it felt good. Not because I was under the gun, or had a deadline to meet. I suppose I could always avoid running into that feeling just by simply writing all the time, and having my material to pull from when I need it, but I just haven't been in that groove lately.
I've got a million and one other things on my mind right now, and it's hard for me to sit down every time I feel like I do have something to say. Even this isn't a creative writing attempt -- it's just a vent. It's exactly how I used to write in this thing all the time when I was in high school. It's crazy to think of all of the dozens of journals I used to buy and attempt to keep. I'm left with two or three, and I honestly haven't written in either in months, if not years. But this thing? I've been writing it in sporadically and close together for the past 12-13 years. That's fucking insane.
I'd like to go through and read some old entries, but I'm just not in the right frame of mind for that. I was such a young and angsty teenager at one point. And I don't really know what happened to him, but as glad as I am that he's gone for the most part, I wish he'd come back and remind me why I ever felt the need to sit down and write. I used to lie and tell people to stop reading my journal if I said something that offended them, but I secretly wanted them to read what I was writing. Now, Livejournal seems to have died down almost entirely since it's glory days, so I'm fairly certain that there's only a handful of people in the world that ever stop by and notice when I post an update. There are communities that I'm a part of that I haven't posted in for the better part of the last decade. College was the only time where I HAD to be at my computer doing shit for papers and whatnot. And amongst dating girls over the years, I had enough heartache to fill this journal for decades. And I guess I'm just over that.
What will be, will be.
I used to post lyrics from my favorite bands or favorite songs at the time, and I used to post quotes, and Taoist and Buddhist sayings. And believe me, at the ripe age of 16, I was positive I knew what they meant. And I still think that I did. But there's this disconnect between learning something, and being able to apply it with every fiber of your being. It fucking sucks to feel like I'm too old now. I want that naivety back. And the more I find myself writing in this particular entry, the more I start to find the subject of the song that I want to write.
You can't get it back.
I almost stopped this entry right there. When you know too much, there becomes fewer and fewer things that you don't understand, and fewer and fewer things that can upset you. I'm not jaded. I can't be. But I'll be damned if I just don't get riled up or pissed off like I used to.
Too calm and collected, and I keep asking for more of that. Maybe I need less.
A life of frivolity.
But you can't get it back, and you can't unlearn the things you needed to learn.