(no subject)
I'm in this really weird position where I'm scared again.
Not afraid for my life -- more like afraid for my LIFE.
I know what I want to do, but everything keeps leading me back to here, and I'm left stumbling over long days and vague clues as to what I'm supposed to do next. I'm worried that if I keep ending up back here, if this will become the same black hole for me that it became for Chris.
I want to succeed, but at every corner it seems that I've got someone or something trying to hold me back.
Then I have my "friends" which I seem to amassed a lot of over the years. But I'm only as good to them as the fun times I create with them. I can honestly count on one or two hands the number of friends that have stuck by me no matter what, and the number dwindles as I get older, or as we get older. We all have our own lives, but it would be nice if just once my friends were really there for me and understood where I was coming from, and would lend me an ear.
It seems that if I want to do anything with my life that no one agrees with, they say they'll support me, as far as a smirk and a scoff will get you.
I feel like I got to a point where I quit wanting to update this thing so much because I only have the muse to write in it when I've got absolutely nothing eventful happening in my life, or whenever something traumatic or detrimental to my being is happening.
I feel lost. I've been running away, and not scared -- but from the notion that a body in motion stays in motion; but a body in rest, will stay at rest. I just can't afford to let that happen.
It's like deep down in my chest I knew I could do big things, and I've worked my entire life to figure out what they were, and where they would take me. I'm at a point in my life where I believe deep down I can do great things with my music career, and the road to get there is really making sure I hit every bump and pothole. I'm finally on a highway where things seem to be going smoother, but the faster you're moving, the more that's expected of you.
I need to write more. Just to write. Just to get some things off my chest, that hopefully come across as less than cryptic. This entry is going to make sense to no one, I'm sure, but I'm not honestly sure that anyone even uses LJ anymore, so gives a fuck, right? I think mom checks it now and again. Occasionally someone will get nostalgic and check theirs that follows me, and amongst months of dead space, will come across this entry only a few entries down in their friends list.
I am youthful. I am alive. But I am growing older, and my needs and wants as a person are developing into more mature things. I thought of what it would be like to have my own little daughter walking around with me. Tugging at my fingers as she leads me through a restaurant on her birthday, pointing at all the artifacts on the wall asking me what everything is.
And then I look at the path I've chosen, and I don't think I'll ever be able to marry or have children anytime soon. I see my peers in the music industry settling down, and I went from "party, party, party" to "Maybe I can have a semi-normal life and do this after all."
But you have to be loyal. You have to want it with every fiber of your being, and how do you do that with what's left after you've sunk everything you've got into a chance at a dream that might never come true. Not because I don't believe in it -- but because there are just so many other factors involved, that are external of your control.
I need a friend.
I need a hug.
That's a far cry from what lonely use to mean -- "I need a blowjob."
That seems like a good place to stop for now.
Not afraid for my life -- more like afraid for my LIFE.
I know what I want to do, but everything keeps leading me back to here, and I'm left stumbling over long days and vague clues as to what I'm supposed to do next. I'm worried that if I keep ending up back here, if this will become the same black hole for me that it became for Chris.
I want to succeed, but at every corner it seems that I've got someone or something trying to hold me back.
Then I have my "friends" which I seem to amassed a lot of over the years. But I'm only as good to them as the fun times I create with them. I can honestly count on one or two hands the number of friends that have stuck by me no matter what, and the number dwindles as I get older, or as we get older. We all have our own lives, but it would be nice if just once my friends were really there for me and understood where I was coming from, and would lend me an ear.
It seems that if I want to do anything with my life that no one agrees with, they say they'll support me, as far as a smirk and a scoff will get you.
I feel like I got to a point where I quit wanting to update this thing so much because I only have the muse to write in it when I've got absolutely nothing eventful happening in my life, or whenever something traumatic or detrimental to my being is happening.
I feel lost. I've been running away, and not scared -- but from the notion that a body in motion stays in motion; but a body in rest, will stay at rest. I just can't afford to let that happen.
It's like deep down in my chest I knew I could do big things, and I've worked my entire life to figure out what they were, and where they would take me. I'm at a point in my life where I believe deep down I can do great things with my music career, and the road to get there is really making sure I hit every bump and pothole. I'm finally on a highway where things seem to be going smoother, but the faster you're moving, the more that's expected of you.
I need to write more. Just to write. Just to get some things off my chest, that hopefully come across as less than cryptic. This entry is going to make sense to no one, I'm sure, but I'm not honestly sure that anyone even uses LJ anymore, so gives a fuck, right? I think mom checks it now and again. Occasionally someone will get nostalgic and check theirs that follows me, and amongst months of dead space, will come across this entry only a few entries down in their friends list.
I am youthful. I am alive. But I am growing older, and my needs and wants as a person are developing into more mature things. I thought of what it would be like to have my own little daughter walking around with me. Tugging at my fingers as she leads me through a restaurant on her birthday, pointing at all the artifacts on the wall asking me what everything is.
And then I look at the path I've chosen, and I don't think I'll ever be able to marry or have children anytime soon. I see my peers in the music industry settling down, and I went from "party, party, party" to "Maybe I can have a semi-normal life and do this after all."
But you have to be loyal. You have to want it with every fiber of your being, and how do you do that with what's left after you've sunk everything you've got into a chance at a dream that might never come true. Not because I don't believe in it -- but because there are just so many other factors involved, that are external of your control.
I need a friend.
I need a hug.
That's a far cry from what lonely use to mean -- "I need a blowjob."
That seems like a good place to stop for now.