Kein Zuruck
Today I tidied up my side table, which is where I tend to throw all my shit. Somehow that led to looking through old family photo-albums, which is what I'm posting about.
I've known for a long time that I was an adorable baby/toddler/kid. For a long time now, I'd feel confident putting pictures of me when I was 10 and under up against anybody in an "adorable contest" and expect to place well, if not win. But mentally, around the time I started to care what I looked like (tween years, I guess), I started to also be fairly sure that I wasn't much to look at.
My peers were also steadily sending me the message that I was unattractive all through middle school and high school. For the longest time, any time I looked at pictures from that time period my view of them was colored by my impressions of myself at that time, so I saw the same unattractive person that I thought I was at the time. Looking back at those pictures today, I'm finally distant enough from them and/or confident enough to see them without that lens of insecurity layered over them.
I. was. pretty. It's a bit of a revelation.
Not to sound egotistical here, because at the time I was convinced I was horrible looking and even now I fight those demons frequently, but I was really pretty. Thinking back on all the people who made me feel bad about myself during those years, they were serious assholes. Really huge assholes. I had some giant glasses and a stupid haircut or two over the years, but for fuck's sake, it was the 80s. Everybody had stupid hair and giant glasses. And frankly, my hair was a lot less stupid that most of the 80s hair that you see looking back at photos from that period. At some points I had bangs, which are honestly a terrible idea for me. The worst haircut I ever had was a page-boy haircut. Gah! At other points I did the big swoop back with my hair pulled into a barrette with a big poof in the front. But hey, at least it wasn't satellite-dish bangs!
Looking back, the worst pictures of me are the ones where I was trying my hardest to be fashionable. The ones where I was just being myself, however dorky that might have been, are the ones that actually look pretty to me now. And I feel bad for past-me. I was pretty and I felt terrible about myself. I suppose it's not an uncommon experience to look back and realize you were a lot better looking than you realized, and feel bad for your past self, though. I'm sure a lot of us have been there.
And I'm not fishing for compliments or anything. To be honest, I have been getting a right-fuckton of positive feedback about my appearance lately and I'm pretty darned pleased with what I see in the mirror. My skin is not as smooth as it was in some of the photos I looked at today, and I am developing a seriously hilarious chin-waddle (that I actually really like). But overall I feel good about myself at the moment.
I just wish I'd been able to see myself more objectively and had somebody besides my family telling me I was pretty back then. I'm sure I'm not alone in that. :)
I've known for a long time that I was an adorable baby/toddler/kid. For a long time now, I'd feel confident putting pictures of me when I was 10 and under up against anybody in an "adorable contest" and expect to place well, if not win. But mentally, around the time I started to care what I looked like (tween years, I guess), I started to also be fairly sure that I wasn't much to look at.
My peers were also steadily sending me the message that I was unattractive all through middle school and high school. For the longest time, any time I looked at pictures from that time period my view of them was colored by my impressions of myself at that time, so I saw the same unattractive person that I thought I was at the time. Looking back at those pictures today, I'm finally distant enough from them and/or confident enough to see them without that lens of insecurity layered over them.
I. was. pretty. It's a bit of a revelation.
Not to sound egotistical here, because at the time I was convinced I was horrible looking and even now I fight those demons frequently, but I was really pretty. Thinking back on all the people who made me feel bad about myself during those years, they were serious assholes. Really huge assholes. I had some giant glasses and a stupid haircut or two over the years, but for fuck's sake, it was the 80s. Everybody had stupid hair and giant glasses. And frankly, my hair was a lot less stupid that most of the 80s hair that you see looking back at photos from that period. At some points I had bangs, which are honestly a terrible idea for me. The worst haircut I ever had was a page-boy haircut. Gah! At other points I did the big swoop back with my hair pulled into a barrette with a big poof in the front. But hey, at least it wasn't satellite-dish bangs!
Looking back, the worst pictures of me are the ones where I was trying my hardest to be fashionable. The ones where I was just being myself, however dorky that might have been, are the ones that actually look pretty to me now. And I feel bad for past-me. I was pretty and I felt terrible about myself. I suppose it's not an uncommon experience to look back and realize you were a lot better looking than you realized, and feel bad for your past self, though. I'm sure a lot of us have been there.
And I'm not fishing for compliments or anything. To be honest, I have been getting a right-fuckton of positive feedback about my appearance lately and I'm pretty darned pleased with what I see in the mirror. My skin is not as smooth as it was in some of the photos I looked at today, and I am developing a seriously hilarious chin-waddle (that I actually really like). But overall I feel good about myself at the moment.
I just wish I'd been able to see myself more objectively and had somebody besides my family telling me I was pretty back then. I'm sure I'm not alone in that. :)