To everybody...
It has come to my attention recently that everyone thinks I'm a bitch. I take offense to that. I suppose I should say "I'm sorry. I'll stop." but I won't. I have decided that if you don't like me now, when you liked me before, the what the hell is the matter? I'm not different, at least...not much. I don't mince words, and I refuse to walk on eggshells just because somebody thinks i'm brash or bitchy. What the fuck ever, is what I have to say about that. It's time for me to defend myself.
If any of you read the post I wrote to
electricshaded , then this is going to sound like a lot of repetition to you, but that's allright. If you don't want to read it, scroll on down the page, baby, cause I'm not stopping.
I am not your dumping grounds. I am a good listener, yes, but give me something positive that is going to make my day, week, or month better. Don't give me something that I will drag around with me like a millstone around my neck. Just stop it. If it is weighing down on you so heavy, make an LJ post, or write a letter to the person or thing that is bothering you. Letting out your feelings helps,but you don't have to kill someone else to do it. And that's what's been happening to me. I've been slowly dying inside, trying to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and ignoring my own issues, hoping they'd go away.
Guess what? They didn't! And now they're compounded, and multiplying exponentially, spiralling out of control. It's nobody's fault but my own, I know. I shouldn't have let things get so bad, but I was (am?) like a 24-hr soup kitchen. I didn't turn anyone away if they needed help, even if it was detrimental to my own health. I cannot be that person anymore. THE SOUP KITCHEN IS CLOSED, DAMNIT!
I have neglected my own interests and pursuits, forwent my mental and physical health to tend to the wellbeing of others. Why do I feel such an obligation to humanity? Why can't I be selfish? I am, though, and that's the rub. How can someone as selfish and materialistic as myself feel so indebted to humanity that she ignores her own wellbeing? I truly don't understand the way I work. (And seeing as how I don't understand it, why would I expect anyone else to?)
Perhaps I'm expecting too much out of the world. I have a tendency to do that. Just as I have a tendency to see mostly the good in people, until they thwart me in some way...then I generally see no good, only ickiness.
I think I'm done with this for tonight. I may think of something to add in later.