Fi Hagat/some things are felt
Title: Fi hagat/some things are felt
Rating: PG
Author: letsflywannabe
Genre: angst, romance
Summary: I can't tell you how I want our life to be...
Author’s note: Inspired by this.
Italics are thoughts.
'words in quotation marks' are flashbacks.
Jinki sat perfectly still as the coordi noona made him up, layering the mascara onto his eyelashes. Jinki glanced over at the rest of the members, idling around until Jinki finished his portion of the photo-shoot. He didn’t miss the way Minho would lean down and gently kiss Kibum every so often, making the latter blush prettily and smack Minho. He saw Jonghyun, oblivious in his own world, joking around with Taemin, carefree laughter echoing around. Jinki made a hasty, pathetic excuse to the coordi noona and walked outside the room. His smile cracked and broke, and he slid down the wall, stuffing his fist into his mouth and stifled his sobs in the empty corridor outside.
SHINee was backstage at Music Core. Various artists milled around, exchanging numbers and widening social circles. Taemin was chatting to Heechul hyung, the latter sneakily winding his arm around Taemin’s waist, Taemin oblivious all the while. Key was with B2ST; Key being the social butterfly he is and arranging a mutually-convenient time for them to meet up for dinner. Jinki sat, half listening to Leeteuk hyung talking about Sukira and half watching as Minho walked into the backstage area, noticing Kibum and making a beeline for him. Minho subtly wrapped his arm loosely around Kibum, who instantly relaxed into his hold, a small, content smile appearing on his face. Jinki squashed a sudden yearning for a certain vocalist, hot pinpricks making his eyes water and making him blink several times to control the flow of tears. Suddenly, he was hugged from behind. Jinki smiled radiantly, Jonghyun! He turned but alas, it was Joon hyung. Trying desperately to mask his aching disappointment, he hugged Joon back, meaningless enquiries into whether hyung was well spilling from his lips. Joon enquired into Jinki’s health and looked worried at his listlessness. “Yah, Jinki-ah. Tell me what’s wrong. We meet after weeks and this…this is not how- you’re not being yourself, Jinki. Did something happen with Jonghyun-hyung?” Jinki looked into Joon’s troubled brown eyes and sighed. How can I explain what is in my heart? He settled for “Hyung, I’m sorry if I made you worry. I’m just tired, that’s all.” Joon looked disbelieving for a second and shrugged. “I guess you’ll tell me when you’ll tell me. Now c’mere, Jinki-ah. I’ve missed you!” and pulled Jinki into a tight hug. Jinki smiled despite himself. Silly hyung. Always worries about everyone too much. From then on, until the last second until MBLAQ were due to perform, Joon stuck to Jinki’s side like glue, hugging him, holding him, poking him. Jinki figured he’d make use of it, imagining Jonghyun’s jealousy rearing its head. Smiling properly, he hugged, held and poked Joon back just as much.
When SHINee reached their dorms, and everyone had gone to bed, Jinki and Jonghyun in a post-orgasmic daze, Jinki asked Jonghyun if he’d seen Joon hyung and Jonghyun replied “Eh? At Music Core? Oh, no Jinki-ah, I was with Yesung-hyung, talking about Immortal Song. Besides, you’re already mine, so why should I worry about Joon-hyung?” and looked concerned. Jinki was speechless, but smoothly recovered and explained, “It’s just because…G.O. hyung wanted to know when you’re free so you Immortal Song guys can have dinner together.” Jonghyun nodded and said, “Hyung I really can’t remember right now. I’ll let G.O. hyung know tomorrow, alright?” and promptly fell asleep. Jinki gazed up at the ceiling of their room, discontent marring his features. Was it too much to ask Jonghyun to be at least a little jealous of Joon? No, I should be happy. Jonghyun loves me and that is enough…is it? He glanced at Jonghyun’s sleeping form, sighed and turned over. He took off his promise ring and kept it on the bedside table. It didn’t fit properly anymore.
They were due to leave to celebrate the Super Junior hyungs’ various award wins. Jinki was ready first; after all, the leader has to set an example. He wore the T-shirt that Jonghyun had bought him on their first date, the jeans that Jonghyun had practically ripped off him when he first wore them and very light make - up (courtesy of Kibum). Jonghyun always said that he liked Jinki as he was, but Jinki was determined to make an effort for him. Taemin wolf-whistled. “Jinki hyung, if I wasn’t already dating Jungmo hyung, I’d tap that.” Jinki blushed and scolded the maknae for his inappropriateness. Minho smiled at them. “You really do look stunning, hyung.” Kibum looked disgruntled and pouted “Stop being such a hyung-whore, Minho! You’re making me jealous.” Minho chuckled and pulled Kibum close. “You know I’ve only ever loved you, Kibum-ah.” Kibum flushed beautifully and punched Minho, instantly looking regretful and kissing Minho’s cheek. Jonghyun was finally ready and after much complaining of how a certain dinosaur was going to make them late, they left.
Jinki sat in the middle, graciously giving up the front seat to Taemin, who wanted to stretch out his legs. Jonghyun sat next to him, and Kibum and Minho sat in the back. Jinki suppressed his sheer yearning for Jonghyun’s infamous skinship and looked ahead instead. He glanced at the rear view mirror and saw Minho curling his arm around Kibum and pulling him closer. Jinki turned away and looked at Jonghyun, who was otherwise occupied with his phone. Jinki sighed and turned away. He decided maybe it was he who should initiate some skinship, and leaned closer to Jonghyun and placed a hand on his thigh. Jonghyun looked up from his phone and smiled at Jinki and patted his hand. Jinki was speechless. What happened? I thought he- he would -
Jinki was weary of asking the same questions and receive the same answers. “Congratulations, Eunhyuk hyung! I’m so happy for you guys!”, “Ah, it is nothing. If it wasn’t for our ELFs…”, “Congratulations Kyuhyun hyung! I’m so happy…”, “Haha thank you, Jinki-ah, but honestly I’m so thankful to our ELFs…” He decided to go out to the balcony of the restaurant for some fresh air to clear his mind. From his position at the balcony, he could see most of what was going on inside the party. Unfortunately for him, his eyes fell on the EunHae couple, infamous for their skinship offstage, famous for their skinship onstage. He observed as Eunhyuk talked about something animatedly, waving his hands and gesturing and Donghae slowly made his way towards Eunhyuk, almost immediately turning him around to kiss him, Eunhyuk pleased but embarrassedly smacking Donghae upside the head, Donghae wearing a blinding, goofy grin all the while. Jinki felt a sharp pain as he swallowed, turning his head away, only to be faced with Minho and Kibum’s skinship. It was as if the two of them revolved around one another; Minho would orient himself around Kibum and vice versa. He turned away angrily; memories of Jonghyun’s radiant face when Jinki would enter a room or when Jinki would surprise Jonghyun with a little gift clouding his mind. He saw Jonghyun walking towards him and the sudden realisation that he should be more proactive hit him. Jinki grabbed Jonghyun’s arm as he walked past, Jonghyun pulling an adorably confused face. Jinki felt his love for Jonghyun sink into his bones and warm his soul. “Jinki-ah. What is it? Is something wrong?” Jinki felt the weight of his words in his mouth, against his tongue. He envisioned the outcome of him opening his heart to Jonghyun, the shock, the quiet accusations that would follow. Jinki knew this could change their relationship for the better but he loved Jonghyun too much to able to bear any adverse outcome of what he would say. Jinki swallowed, the words sinking like stones into his heart. “Ah, Jonghyun-ah. You have something in your hair. Let me...”, dusting away imaginary fluff from Jonghyun’s ‘perfectly-made’ hair. Jonghyun looked perturbed. “Jinki-ah. Are you sure you’re okay? You look really pale. Maybe we should head home -“, “NO! Jjong I’m fine. I just feel a little tired, and we’ll be going home in a few hours. Seriously, I’m okay.” Jonghyun was reassured, and briefly hugged Jinki before continuing on his way. Jinki made his way to the toilets, carefully holding his face devoid of any suspicious sadness and slumped inside one of the cubicles and sobbed quietly. I never had to tell you how I feel. Didn’t you understand? Can’t you feel it? Or…has your love for me disappeared?
Kibum stood outside, unable to comprehend anything. Why was Jinki-hyung sobbing so pitifully? Did something happen between him and Jjong? He had to get to the bottom of this. He turned away quickly, pretending to just have come into the toilets as he heard Jinki’s cubicle door open. Jinki didn’t notice him, carefully washed his face and made sure there wasn’t any evidence that he had been crying on his face, and made his way out. Kibum frowned. Jinki hyung! What is going on with you?!? Giving me unnecessary stress and wrinkles!
At the SHINee dorm, Taemin was currently occupying the bathroom. Everyone else had finished cleaning up and headed off to bed. Kibum however had other ideas. Cornering Jinki in the kitchen, he asked without preamble “Hyung what is wrong? Why were you crying earlier?” Jinki’s eyes widened and he dropped the glass in his hands and looked at Kibum, a tinge of anger and fear swirling in his eyes. “YAH! Who broke something? Jinki hyung was it you? Are you hurt?” Jonghyun yelled from his and Jinki’s bedroom. Kibum opened his mouth to reply to Jonghyun but Jinki beat him to it. “Yeah it was me, Jjong. Don’t worry I’m okay.” He motioned Kibum to stay quiet, and mouthed ‘we’ll talk later’. Jinki cleaned up the broken glass and followed Kibum to his and Minho’s shared bedroom. “But Minho - isn’t he...” Kibum rolled his eyes. “Hyung. Minho is going to play that stupid video game for half an hour more. Don’t you remember me telling you?” Jinki looked abashed and replied “Sorry Kibum-ah. I’ve - I was thinking about something else. I should have been paying attention when you said it.” Kibum narrowed his eyes and motioned for Jinki to sit on his bed. “Hyung, what is going on with you? What is making you so upset that you’re crying? And hiding it from all of us?” Jinki looked up from gazing at the floor, fearfully clutching Kibum’s arms. “A-all of you? Does Jonghyun -“ Kibum cut him off. “Jjong does not know, but I will tell him if you don’t tell me hyung. What has made you so upset? Is it Jonghyun? Did he forget your anniversary? Because Minho did that once and I was pissed as hell -” Jinki hastily cut him off “No, Kibum. It’s not that. I - you - it’s nothing, okay? I’m just - can’t I cry without reason? Can’t it just be stress?” Jinki got up, flustered and wrung his hands. “I don’t have to tell you everything Kibum! It’s none of your business!”, saying this Jinki angrily walked out of the room. Kibum was shocked. Jinki hyung never yells. What IS GOING ON?!? Kibum was understandibly upset, but decided to talk to Minho about it.
The next morning, it seemed like everyone had something or the other to go to, except Minho and Jinki. Minho having spoken to Kibum agreed with him. There was something off about Jinki hyung; he just couldn’t understand what it was. Without an explanation, he dragged Jinki into his and Kibum’s room, Jinki confused and apprehensive. Minho made Jinki sit on the bed, and shortly after, brought 2 mugs of tea and gave one to Jinki, who was still confused. “Minho-ah. Haven’t we already just had breakfast? Wha -“ Minho shushed him and gently said “Hyung Kibum talked to me last night. I agree with what he said. Hyung, you - there’s something wrong, hyung and if you don’t talk to us about it, how can we help you? Aren’t we supposed to be a team? Shining SHINee?” Jinki took one look at Minho’s comforting, steady gaze and broke down in tears. Minho was stunned, but nevertheless managed to hug Jinki and rub soothing circles on his back. His experience with Kibum was quite handy at times like these. “Jinki hyung, it’s okay. Whatever it is, let it out, you know you can trust me, right?” Minho was hesitant, but wanted to know the reason for Jinki’s tears. Jinki hiccoughed, “H - he d -do -doesn’t lo - love me anymore, Minho! I - he do - doesn’t c - care.” Minho was stunned before, but now he was knocked for six. “WHAT?!? Hyung, what are you saying? How - how do you know this? Did Jonghyun say -“ Jinki gave a watery smile “Minho-ah, he - he doesn’t have to say anything. I kn -know him like the back of my hand. Jjong is the infamous skinship king” and now Jinki’s voice gathered resolve, “and yet, for the past year he’s never spontaneously hugged me or kissed me or even held me or become jealous over me or anything.” Jinki took a deep breath and calmed himself. Minho considered this, and Jinki continued “I dressed up for him when we went to congratulate the Suju hyungs, all of you noticed, but he didn’t say anything. There was a time we used to compete with you and Kibum for the most amount of skinship, Minho-ah. Do you remember?” Minho replied cautiously, “But maybe he needs to be told hyung. Maybe he thinks you don’t like it…” Jinki smiled wearily. “When have I ever implied I dislike it, Minho-ah? And if he does these little things after being told, then what’s the use?” Minho looked agonised. “Hyung listen to me. Talk to Jonghyun, hyung. Please. Before your love really does fade.” Jinki seemed fearful, but a steely resolve had taken over. “I promise Minho-ah, I’ll make every effort from my side to talk about this with Jjong. But if he decides he doesn’t want me -“ Jinki couldn’t continue, and Minho cut him off. “Hyung don’t be ridiculous. The amount of trouble you guys have undergone for the sake of your relationship…that can’t all be for nothing. Talk to him, hyung. I’m sure this will all just be a misunderstanding.” Jinki nodded and hugged Minho. “Thank you Minho-ah. Without you, I’d -”, “probably die, I know hyung.” Minho teased Jinki, and Jinki punched him lightly. “Brat!”
Jinki was waiting at the café. This was a special place to Jinki because this was where he and Jonghyun had confessed to each other, where they had their first date, where Jonghyun had introduced his sister to Jinki, where Jinki had opened his heart to Jonghyun, confessing his fears of not being good enough to be the leader and where Jonghyun had joked they’d have their wedding. As he sat there waiting for Jonghyun, he had a flashback of their first date…
‘It was pouring outside and 2 boys came into the café, laughing and soaking well, although they had carried an umbrella. “Jinki-ah, you’re so mean! Pushing your boyfriend out of the umbrella like that! I could catch a cold.” Jonghyun whined and sniffled. Jinki laughed and kissed Jonghyun’s cheek, at which Jonghyun blushed. “Well, my boyfriend shouldn’t have pushed me out first!” Jonghyun smiled beatifically at Jinki. “Jinki hyung, always keep smiling. I don’t need the sun to warm me, your smile is enough.” Jinki blushed and punched Jonghyun’s arm. “Yah, Jonghyun! Stop this…cheesy nonsense!” Jonghyun’s face fell and immediately came back up, smirking. “Aw but this is why you love me, hyung.” Jinki rolled his eyes and laughed at Jonghyun, as Jonghyun pulled Jinki closer to himself. All throughout their meal, Jonghyun shot cheesy pick-up lines at Jinki, who laughed his head off. “Jjong why? I’m already yours.” Jonghyun smirked again. “You look the most beautiful when you’re happy.” Jinki blushed and Jonghyun pulled him impossibly closer, and whispered in his ear. “And luckily I know lots of ways of making you happy.” Jinki blushed and hid himself in Jonghyun’s chest…’
Jinki started as the waiter came to him, politely asking him how much longer was he going to stay, because the couple that had just arrived needed a table and it was Valentine’s Day and all, and he was sorry to be so rude. Jinki held back his tears as he realised it had been 2 hours he had been waiting for. He told the waiter that he was leaving, and could the waiter be so kind as to give this note to a man who may come in later, by the name of Jonghyun. Jinki called Minho, who picked up immediately. “So what happened? Why are you calling me? Hyung..?” Jinki openly sobbed and managed to say, “I k - k - know fo - for sure n - now that he d - doesn’t want me, M - Minho-ah. H - He n - never c -ca -came. N - Not ev - even a c -call.”
Jonghyun finished as fast as he could, and the added delays to the practice run through of Immortal Song didn’t help. He told his manager to drive quickly and his manager chuckled “Jonghyun-ah. There’s a mile of traffic. Why don’t you call and tell Jinki you’re going to be late?” Jonghyun nodded and called Jinki. “The number you have dialled is unreachable. Please try later.” Jonghyun cursed. He knew something was seriously wrong, and unease clawed at his insides. He was able to arrive at the café just before it closed for the day. Jonghyun looked around for Jinki in vain. Finally, ready to give up, he turned to leave, when a waiter called him. “You…are you Jonghyun-sshi?” Jonghyun nodded, puzzled. “The gentleman who was waiting here asked me to give this to you.” Jonghyun took the piece of paper from the waiter, and asked, “Do you know where he went?” at which the waiter replied, “No Jonghyun-sshi. He left rather upset. He was waiting here for 2 hours.” Jonghyun cursed himself but remembering his manners, thanked the waiter.
Once outside, Jonghyun began to walk back to the car. It was autumn, and the leaves blew around Jonghyun as a gust of chilly air hit him. Jonghyun wrapped his scarf tighter around his neck and read the note.
“Some things are felt and not spoken, Jjong. I thought I never have to tell you how I want us to be. I thought you understood. I wish I had spoken and said something. I’m sorry.”
Lyrics/Fi Hagat:
(translated from arabic, so probably a little inaccurate!)
There are some things that are felt but are not spoken about
They hurt the heart, but we never let them show
There are things that I need, but can't ever ask of you
And If you gave them to me, just because I asked
It won't be the same
There are some things that are felt but are not spoken about
They hurt the heart, but you never let them show
And it's hard, I can't make up mind between
whether to tell you or not
I can't ask you to change the way you love me
Or be more jealous
Or surprise me once with a gift
Or please me once by doing something unexpected (X2)
I can't ask you to make my world sweeter, to change how things are
No matter how close you are to me
How dear you are
I can't tell you how I want our life to be
Know, on your own, how I want our life to be
At times, it seems that I'm content
That I'm calm, that I've accepted everything and got used to it
That doesn't mean you can believe that I gave up
Sometimes, you might feel that I don't care anymore
But I'm actually trying to hide that I'm tired of this
Don't push me to the point
Where I regret not having said a thing
I can't ask you to make my world sweeter, to change how things are
No matter how close you are to me
How dear you are
I can't tell you how I want our life to be
Know, on your own, how I want our life to be
I can't ask you to change the way you love me
Or be more jealous
Or bring me once a gift
Or please me once by doing something unexpected
I can't ask you to make my world sweeter, to change how things are
No matter how close you are to me
How dear you are
I can't tell you how I want our life to be
Know, on your own, how I want our life to be
Credit:http://lyricstranslate.com
Author's note 2: Aaah, was it okay? This is my first attempt at writing angst. I'm sorry for any mistakes. Constructive criticism would be loved ~
Rating: PG
Author: letsflywannabe
Genre: angst, romance
Summary: I can't tell you how I want our life to be...
Author’s note: Inspired by this.
Italics are thoughts.
'words in quotation marks' are flashbacks.
Jinki sat perfectly still as the coordi noona made him up, layering the mascara onto his eyelashes. Jinki glanced over at the rest of the members, idling around until Jinki finished his portion of the photo-shoot. He didn’t miss the way Minho would lean down and gently kiss Kibum every so often, making the latter blush prettily and smack Minho. He saw Jonghyun, oblivious in his own world, joking around with Taemin, carefree laughter echoing around. Jinki made a hasty, pathetic excuse to the coordi noona and walked outside the room. His smile cracked and broke, and he slid down the wall, stuffing his fist into his mouth and stifled his sobs in the empty corridor outside.
SHINee was backstage at Music Core. Various artists milled around, exchanging numbers and widening social circles. Taemin was chatting to Heechul hyung, the latter sneakily winding his arm around Taemin’s waist, Taemin oblivious all the while. Key was with B2ST; Key being the social butterfly he is and arranging a mutually-convenient time for them to meet up for dinner. Jinki sat, half listening to Leeteuk hyung talking about Sukira and half watching as Minho walked into the backstage area, noticing Kibum and making a beeline for him. Minho subtly wrapped his arm loosely around Kibum, who instantly relaxed into his hold, a small, content smile appearing on his face. Jinki squashed a sudden yearning for a certain vocalist, hot pinpricks making his eyes water and making him blink several times to control the flow of tears. Suddenly, he was hugged from behind. Jinki smiled radiantly, Jonghyun! He turned but alas, it was Joon hyung. Trying desperately to mask his aching disappointment, he hugged Joon back, meaningless enquiries into whether hyung was well spilling from his lips. Joon enquired into Jinki’s health and looked worried at his listlessness. “Yah, Jinki-ah. Tell me what’s wrong. We meet after weeks and this…this is not how- you’re not being yourself, Jinki. Did something happen with Jonghyun-hyung?” Jinki looked into Joon’s troubled brown eyes and sighed. How can I explain what is in my heart? He settled for “Hyung, I’m sorry if I made you worry. I’m just tired, that’s all.” Joon looked disbelieving for a second and shrugged. “I guess you’ll tell me when you’ll tell me. Now c’mere, Jinki-ah. I’ve missed you!” and pulled Jinki into a tight hug. Jinki smiled despite himself. Silly hyung. Always worries about everyone too much. From then on, until the last second until MBLAQ were due to perform, Joon stuck to Jinki’s side like glue, hugging him, holding him, poking him. Jinki figured he’d make use of it, imagining Jonghyun’s jealousy rearing its head. Smiling properly, he hugged, held and poked Joon back just as much.
When SHINee reached their dorms, and everyone had gone to bed, Jinki and Jonghyun in a post-orgasmic daze, Jinki asked Jonghyun if he’d seen Joon hyung and Jonghyun replied “Eh? At Music Core? Oh, no Jinki-ah, I was with Yesung-hyung, talking about Immortal Song. Besides, you’re already mine, so why should I worry about Joon-hyung?” and looked concerned. Jinki was speechless, but smoothly recovered and explained, “It’s just because…G.O. hyung wanted to know when you’re free so you Immortal Song guys can have dinner together.” Jonghyun nodded and said, “Hyung I really can’t remember right now. I’ll let G.O. hyung know tomorrow, alright?” and promptly fell asleep. Jinki gazed up at the ceiling of their room, discontent marring his features. Was it too much to ask Jonghyun to be at least a little jealous of Joon? No, I should be happy. Jonghyun loves me and that is enough…is it? He glanced at Jonghyun’s sleeping form, sighed and turned over. He took off his promise ring and kept it on the bedside table. It didn’t fit properly anymore.
They were due to leave to celebrate the Super Junior hyungs’ various award wins. Jinki was ready first; after all, the leader has to set an example. He wore the T-shirt that Jonghyun had bought him on their first date, the jeans that Jonghyun had practically ripped off him when he first wore them and very light make - up (courtesy of Kibum). Jonghyun always said that he liked Jinki as he was, but Jinki was determined to make an effort for him. Taemin wolf-whistled. “Jinki hyung, if I wasn’t already dating Jungmo hyung, I’d tap that.” Jinki blushed and scolded the maknae for his inappropriateness. Minho smiled at them. “You really do look stunning, hyung.” Kibum looked disgruntled and pouted “Stop being such a hyung-whore, Minho! You’re making me jealous.” Minho chuckled and pulled Kibum close. “You know I’ve only ever loved you, Kibum-ah.” Kibum flushed beautifully and punched Minho, instantly looking regretful and kissing Minho’s cheek. Jonghyun was finally ready and after much complaining of how a certain dinosaur was going to make them late, they left.
Jinki sat in the middle, graciously giving up the front seat to Taemin, who wanted to stretch out his legs. Jonghyun sat next to him, and Kibum and Minho sat in the back. Jinki suppressed his sheer yearning for Jonghyun’s infamous skinship and looked ahead instead. He glanced at the rear view mirror and saw Minho curling his arm around Kibum and pulling him closer. Jinki turned away and looked at Jonghyun, who was otherwise occupied with his phone. Jinki sighed and turned away. He decided maybe it was he who should initiate some skinship, and leaned closer to Jonghyun and placed a hand on his thigh. Jonghyun looked up from his phone and smiled at Jinki and patted his hand. Jinki was speechless. What happened? I thought he- he would -
Jinki was weary of asking the same questions and receive the same answers. “Congratulations, Eunhyuk hyung! I’m so happy for you guys!”, “Ah, it is nothing. If it wasn’t for our ELFs…”, “Congratulations Kyuhyun hyung! I’m so happy…”, “Haha thank you, Jinki-ah, but honestly I’m so thankful to our ELFs…” He decided to go out to the balcony of the restaurant for some fresh air to clear his mind. From his position at the balcony, he could see most of what was going on inside the party. Unfortunately for him, his eyes fell on the EunHae couple, infamous for their skinship offstage, famous for their skinship onstage. He observed as Eunhyuk talked about something animatedly, waving his hands and gesturing and Donghae slowly made his way towards Eunhyuk, almost immediately turning him around to kiss him, Eunhyuk pleased but embarrassedly smacking Donghae upside the head, Donghae wearing a blinding, goofy grin all the while. Jinki felt a sharp pain as he swallowed, turning his head away, only to be faced with Minho and Kibum’s skinship. It was as if the two of them revolved around one another; Minho would orient himself around Kibum and vice versa. He turned away angrily; memories of Jonghyun’s radiant face when Jinki would enter a room or when Jinki would surprise Jonghyun with a little gift clouding his mind. He saw Jonghyun walking towards him and the sudden realisation that he should be more proactive hit him. Jinki grabbed Jonghyun’s arm as he walked past, Jonghyun pulling an adorably confused face. Jinki felt his love for Jonghyun sink into his bones and warm his soul. “Jinki-ah. What is it? Is something wrong?” Jinki felt the weight of his words in his mouth, against his tongue. He envisioned the outcome of him opening his heart to Jonghyun, the shock, the quiet accusations that would follow. Jinki knew this could change their relationship for the better but he loved Jonghyun too much to able to bear any adverse outcome of what he would say. Jinki swallowed, the words sinking like stones into his heart. “Ah, Jonghyun-ah. You have something in your hair. Let me...”, dusting away imaginary fluff from Jonghyun’s ‘perfectly-made’ hair. Jonghyun looked perturbed. “Jinki-ah. Are you sure you’re okay? You look really pale. Maybe we should head home -“, “NO! Jjong I’m fine. I just feel a little tired, and we’ll be going home in a few hours. Seriously, I’m okay.” Jonghyun was reassured, and briefly hugged Jinki before continuing on his way. Jinki made his way to the toilets, carefully holding his face devoid of any suspicious sadness and slumped inside one of the cubicles and sobbed quietly. I never had to tell you how I feel. Didn’t you understand? Can’t you feel it? Or…has your love for me disappeared?
Kibum stood outside, unable to comprehend anything. Why was Jinki-hyung sobbing so pitifully? Did something happen between him and Jjong? He had to get to the bottom of this. He turned away quickly, pretending to just have come into the toilets as he heard Jinki’s cubicle door open. Jinki didn’t notice him, carefully washed his face and made sure there wasn’t any evidence that he had been crying on his face, and made his way out. Kibum frowned. Jinki hyung! What is going on with you?!? Giving me unnecessary stress and wrinkles!
At the SHINee dorm, Taemin was currently occupying the bathroom. Everyone else had finished cleaning up and headed off to bed. Kibum however had other ideas. Cornering Jinki in the kitchen, he asked without preamble “Hyung what is wrong? Why were you crying earlier?” Jinki’s eyes widened and he dropped the glass in his hands and looked at Kibum, a tinge of anger and fear swirling in his eyes. “YAH! Who broke something? Jinki hyung was it you? Are you hurt?” Jonghyun yelled from his and Jinki’s bedroom. Kibum opened his mouth to reply to Jonghyun but Jinki beat him to it. “Yeah it was me, Jjong. Don’t worry I’m okay.” He motioned Kibum to stay quiet, and mouthed ‘we’ll talk later’. Jinki cleaned up the broken glass and followed Kibum to his and Minho’s shared bedroom. “But Minho - isn’t he...” Kibum rolled his eyes. “Hyung. Minho is going to play that stupid video game for half an hour more. Don’t you remember me telling you?” Jinki looked abashed and replied “Sorry Kibum-ah. I’ve - I was thinking about something else. I should have been paying attention when you said it.” Kibum narrowed his eyes and motioned for Jinki to sit on his bed. “Hyung, what is going on with you? What is making you so upset that you’re crying? And hiding it from all of us?” Jinki looked up from gazing at the floor, fearfully clutching Kibum’s arms. “A-all of you? Does Jonghyun -“ Kibum cut him off. “Jjong does not know, but I will tell him if you don’t tell me hyung. What has made you so upset? Is it Jonghyun? Did he forget your anniversary? Because Minho did that once and I was pissed as hell -” Jinki hastily cut him off “No, Kibum. It’s not that. I - you - it’s nothing, okay? I’m just - can’t I cry without reason? Can’t it just be stress?” Jinki got up, flustered and wrung his hands. “I don’t have to tell you everything Kibum! It’s none of your business!”, saying this Jinki angrily walked out of the room. Kibum was shocked. Jinki hyung never yells. What IS GOING ON?!? Kibum was understandibly upset, but decided to talk to Minho about it.
The next morning, it seemed like everyone had something or the other to go to, except Minho and Jinki. Minho having spoken to Kibum agreed with him. There was something off about Jinki hyung; he just couldn’t understand what it was. Without an explanation, he dragged Jinki into his and Kibum’s room, Jinki confused and apprehensive. Minho made Jinki sit on the bed, and shortly after, brought 2 mugs of tea and gave one to Jinki, who was still confused. “Minho-ah. Haven’t we already just had breakfast? Wha -“ Minho shushed him and gently said “Hyung Kibum talked to me last night. I agree with what he said. Hyung, you - there’s something wrong, hyung and if you don’t talk to us about it, how can we help you? Aren’t we supposed to be a team? Shining SHINee?” Jinki took one look at Minho’s comforting, steady gaze and broke down in tears. Minho was stunned, but nevertheless managed to hug Jinki and rub soothing circles on his back. His experience with Kibum was quite handy at times like these. “Jinki hyung, it’s okay. Whatever it is, let it out, you know you can trust me, right?” Minho was hesitant, but wanted to know the reason for Jinki’s tears. Jinki hiccoughed, “H - he d -do -doesn’t lo - love me anymore, Minho! I - he do - doesn’t c - care.” Minho was stunned before, but now he was knocked for six. “WHAT?!? Hyung, what are you saying? How - how do you know this? Did Jonghyun say -“ Jinki gave a watery smile “Minho-ah, he - he doesn’t have to say anything. I kn -know him like the back of my hand. Jjong is the infamous skinship king” and now Jinki’s voice gathered resolve, “and yet, for the past year he’s never spontaneously hugged me or kissed me or even held me or become jealous over me or anything.” Jinki took a deep breath and calmed himself. Minho considered this, and Jinki continued “I dressed up for him when we went to congratulate the Suju hyungs, all of you noticed, but he didn’t say anything. There was a time we used to compete with you and Kibum for the most amount of skinship, Minho-ah. Do you remember?” Minho replied cautiously, “But maybe he needs to be told hyung. Maybe he thinks you don’t like it…” Jinki smiled wearily. “When have I ever implied I dislike it, Minho-ah? And if he does these little things after being told, then what’s the use?” Minho looked agonised. “Hyung listen to me. Talk to Jonghyun, hyung. Please. Before your love really does fade.” Jinki seemed fearful, but a steely resolve had taken over. “I promise Minho-ah, I’ll make every effort from my side to talk about this with Jjong. But if he decides he doesn’t want me -“ Jinki couldn’t continue, and Minho cut him off. “Hyung don’t be ridiculous. The amount of trouble you guys have undergone for the sake of your relationship…that can’t all be for nothing. Talk to him, hyung. I’m sure this will all just be a misunderstanding.” Jinki nodded and hugged Minho. “Thank you Minho-ah. Without you, I’d -”, “probably die, I know hyung.” Minho teased Jinki, and Jinki punched him lightly. “Brat!”
Jinki was waiting at the café. This was a special place to Jinki because this was where he and Jonghyun had confessed to each other, where they had their first date, where Jonghyun had introduced his sister to Jinki, where Jinki had opened his heart to Jonghyun, confessing his fears of not being good enough to be the leader and where Jonghyun had joked they’d have their wedding. As he sat there waiting for Jonghyun, he had a flashback of their first date…
‘It was pouring outside and 2 boys came into the café, laughing and soaking well, although they had carried an umbrella. “Jinki-ah, you’re so mean! Pushing your boyfriend out of the umbrella like that! I could catch a cold.” Jonghyun whined and sniffled. Jinki laughed and kissed Jonghyun’s cheek, at which Jonghyun blushed. “Well, my boyfriend shouldn’t have pushed me out first!” Jonghyun smiled beatifically at Jinki. “Jinki hyung, always keep smiling. I don’t need the sun to warm me, your smile is enough.” Jinki blushed and punched Jonghyun’s arm. “Yah, Jonghyun! Stop this…cheesy nonsense!” Jonghyun’s face fell and immediately came back up, smirking. “Aw but this is why you love me, hyung.” Jinki rolled his eyes and laughed at Jonghyun, as Jonghyun pulled Jinki closer to himself. All throughout their meal, Jonghyun shot cheesy pick-up lines at Jinki, who laughed his head off. “Jjong why? I’m already yours.” Jonghyun smirked again. “You look the most beautiful when you’re happy.” Jinki blushed and Jonghyun pulled him impossibly closer, and whispered in his ear. “And luckily I know lots of ways of making you happy.” Jinki blushed and hid himself in Jonghyun’s chest…’
Jinki started as the waiter came to him, politely asking him how much longer was he going to stay, because the couple that had just arrived needed a table and it was Valentine’s Day and all, and he was sorry to be so rude. Jinki held back his tears as he realised it had been 2 hours he had been waiting for. He told the waiter that he was leaving, and could the waiter be so kind as to give this note to a man who may come in later, by the name of Jonghyun. Jinki called Minho, who picked up immediately. “So what happened? Why are you calling me? Hyung..?” Jinki openly sobbed and managed to say, “I k - k - know fo - for sure n - now that he d - doesn’t want me, M - Minho-ah. H - He n - never c -ca -came. N - Not ev - even a c -call.”
Jonghyun finished as fast as he could, and the added delays to the practice run through of Immortal Song didn’t help. He told his manager to drive quickly and his manager chuckled “Jonghyun-ah. There’s a mile of traffic. Why don’t you call and tell Jinki you’re going to be late?” Jonghyun nodded and called Jinki. “The number you have dialled is unreachable. Please try later.” Jonghyun cursed. He knew something was seriously wrong, and unease clawed at his insides. He was able to arrive at the café just before it closed for the day. Jonghyun looked around for Jinki in vain. Finally, ready to give up, he turned to leave, when a waiter called him. “You…are you Jonghyun-sshi?” Jonghyun nodded, puzzled. “The gentleman who was waiting here asked me to give this to you.” Jonghyun took the piece of paper from the waiter, and asked, “Do you know where he went?” at which the waiter replied, “No Jonghyun-sshi. He left rather upset. He was waiting here for 2 hours.” Jonghyun cursed himself but remembering his manners, thanked the waiter.
Once outside, Jonghyun began to walk back to the car. It was autumn, and the leaves blew around Jonghyun as a gust of chilly air hit him. Jonghyun wrapped his scarf tighter around his neck and read the note.
“Some things are felt and not spoken, Jjong. I thought I never have to tell you how I want us to be. I thought you understood. I wish I had spoken and said something. I’m sorry.”
Lyrics/Fi Hagat:
(translated from arabic, so probably a little inaccurate!)
There are some things that are felt but are not spoken about
They hurt the heart, but we never let them show
There are things that I need, but can't ever ask of you
And If you gave them to me, just because I asked
It won't be the same
There are some things that are felt but are not spoken about
They hurt the heart, but you never let them show
And it's hard, I can't make up mind between
whether to tell you or not
I can't ask you to change the way you love me
Or be more jealous
Or surprise me once with a gift
Or please me once by doing something unexpected (X2)
I can't ask you to make my world sweeter, to change how things are
No matter how close you are to me
How dear you are
I can't tell you how I want our life to be
Know, on your own, how I want our life to be
At times, it seems that I'm content
That I'm calm, that I've accepted everything and got used to it
That doesn't mean you can believe that I gave up
Sometimes, you might feel that I don't care anymore
But I'm actually trying to hide that I'm tired of this
Don't push me to the point
Where I regret not having said a thing
I can't ask you to make my world sweeter, to change how things are
No matter how close you are to me
How dear you are
I can't tell you how I want our life to be
Know, on your own, how I want our life to be
I can't ask you to change the way you love me
Or be more jealous
Or bring me once a gift
Or please me once by doing something unexpected
I can't ask you to make my world sweeter, to change how things are
No matter how close you are to me
How dear you are
I can't tell you how I want our life to be
Know, on your own, how I want our life to be
Credit:http://lyricstranslate.com
Author's note 2: Aaah, was it okay? This is my first attempt at writing angst. I'm sorry for any mistakes. Constructive criticism would be loved ~