life is a huge adventure and i havent reached the highway yet. im just out of the driveway

Sep 11, 2004 01:38

man i was just on top of the world...i was so freakin happy just smiling in the privacy of my room and now im torn up inside. i feel terrible and its like i cant really fix what i have done. i am freakin stupid and i dont always think about the people i care most about because i think that they will always be there but if they choose to...they can just shut me out. i dont think anyone reading this is going to understand but i just want to get it out and if the person that im talkin to see's it then maybe she will understand...here goes...im the person that loves to make people laugh and im freakin sarcastic and that can be really really bad.when i dont feel like hearing someone i straight up say "shut up" im blunt like that. i havent ever been miss perfect manners. i mean my friends know that im a freakin idiot and they shouldnt take me seriously but i guess words hurt but when im quiet its like they think somethings wrong...its like im a confused dog...like what the heck do they want from me? i cant be the person that they always want me to be. im only human but i guess i can be a crap friend sometimes. i cant put a finger on everything that i do but whatever. im a laid back person and people can cap on me and i take it but i guess after a while it would start to bother me...but it would help if YOU SAY SOMETHING WHEN IT FIRST BOTHERS YOU!!!!!!! dont let it build up inside i swear!!! ive been badly trained...im being repremanded long long long after the damage has been done...what he heck? maybe im not the emo type and i dont boohoo about everything but is that bad? i try to be positive. and i also feel that i cant have other best friends...its like im on a leash and i dont have much lead way. man dogs are pretty good references. lol. but im not mad i just feel like crap knowing that all the stuff we joke around about hurts the person that laughs the hardest. im just like...does that make any sense what so ever??? i dont think so. i guess from now on im going to just have to watch what i say and laugh about 99.9% less and have 100% less inside jokes...it's gonna be hard but you know what...if it saves someone from being broken hearted...then its a great thing. i need to give it up to God..thats all i can do. i cant with out him. im not changing who i am i guess ill just adjust it. im not going to waste my time being irritated or worried because thats just crap. i dont have long to live...no one does. i can care but im not going to dwell...just not going to happen. all we have is this moment...make good decisions so you dont have to spend time worrying because worrying sucks and is a waste of time. if you pray...just pray that i watch my mouth and guard my heart and think kind thoughts. life is a huge adventure and i havent reached the highway yet. im just out of the driveway.
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