Look at that poor little boy. We should probably pity him.
As I sit here, drunk, I feel the most expressive I've felt in a while. It's time to purge a lot. Maybe more than I've actually ever shared before.
Before I being, I feel like a lot of people feel like I just say or type things for the attention. And, I'll admit it, attention makes me feel good about myself. It makes me feel like I matter. But, when you think about it, when no one is paying attention, do you really matter at all?
Anyway.
As I've pointed out to anyone reading these, as a child, I had a ... As Dexter would call it, a "Traumatic Event". Something that would shape the person I would inevitably become. Two of them, actually. And both caused by the same person. However, I took a different role. The more subservient one.
I have this sexual lust, this urge. A beast raging in me. However, like most animals, it is more afraid that it lets on. I want to ravage and feed upon every man I meet, but it never becomes. I work up to this point. I get a man right where I need him, no matter how hot, and then I flake out. At a point, I was a huge "slut". I slept around. Now, at an older age, I shy away. Men want to fuck me, and I plan on it happening. But, then, the more it comes to fruition, the more I shy away from it. I could have slept with every man in this town by now, but I haven't. Sex has become something so sacred, yet tainted for me. I love the thought, but the actual action scares the shit out of me. Tommy constantly thought I was cheating, but I wasn't really. Maybe once. But it was with someone I felt I could actually trust. And I still feel that way about that guy. In fact, he's one of my best friends. I know I used him more than he used me. And that's my problem. Every sexual encounter, I have to be in control of. In some way. Now, I'm known kind of as the "town whore" and it's just not true. As much as I secretly wish it were true.
Ryan was my one. There are a lot of guys I have been interested in. But, Ryan, he was the person who I felt was "The One". And what do you do then? After you've experienced the person who was your soul mate? Every person after that feels like you're just settling?. And how do you think it feels? Feeling like everyone else is just your silver medal? I'm sure even my best of friends think that I'm just obsessed. But, what do you really do? Do you just move on? Settle for the person who is the best of the silvers? Or do you continue to fight for your gold medal?
Maybe there is something raging inside of me.
Maybe I am obsessed. Some kind of psychologically fucked up person.
Maybe I need help.
There are four things that I've dreamed of in life. And I feel like I'll never obtain any of those things. One personal, one material, and the other two, I don't know how to classify. Secular? Maybe. But, I'm not one for religious terms. What to do?
I've felt this urge. This sinister urge. To literally kill. And just to obtain at least one of those things. Is that normal in a person? To want to take from another for your own personal gain? Or is that the sign of a person in need of something else in life?
I don't have the looks for fame. My one dream since a child. The voice, the feelings, the aura. I don't exude anything. I feel like the rotting shell of a human. Like, I'm just chugging along for the end. I want so bad to be the voice of a generation, but how do I become that? How do I become a Kurt, an Otep, a GaGa, The Beatles, anything like that?
The money? Able to do whatever I want. To donate to those things I feel so strongly about. To be able to indulge in my every whim. Every whim a friend has. To support those who have supported me through life.
The love? Never-ending. Someone who feels for me just as strong as I for them. Friends who will continue to worry about me, even after long absence. Elizabeth is the only person from McDowell I have seen in the past two years or so. I feel like even when I try to contact them, they just shoo me away. Like some pest who will only bring them down.
I know I have changed, everyone has. But, does that make me a cancer to them? So very avoidable? I feel like I've been exiled from the place where I grew up. Like I'm some parasite come to leech upon the humanity of my one-time friends. The people who probably helped me through the most difficult times in my life. I'll, all at once, become my parents. Settling. Abuse in so many forms, just to avoid feeling the loneliness of not having someone next to me.
Happiness in any form? But, what is true happiness? How do you know when you really reach it? Why do you question it so?
Anything I strive for is just met with complete apathy. An apathy I want to overcome so bad. One singular feeling that has ruled nearly twenty years of my life. The one thing that I have truly never been able to overcome. Other than my love for that one untouchable person.
When you have faith in nothing, what do you reach out for?
Before I being, I feel like a lot of people feel like I just say or type things for the attention. And, I'll admit it, attention makes me feel good about myself. It makes me feel like I matter. But, when you think about it, when no one is paying attention, do you really matter at all?
Anyway.
As I've pointed out to anyone reading these, as a child, I had a ... As Dexter would call it, a "Traumatic Event". Something that would shape the person I would inevitably become. Two of them, actually. And both caused by the same person. However, I took a different role. The more subservient one.
I have this sexual lust, this urge. A beast raging in me. However, like most animals, it is more afraid that it lets on. I want to ravage and feed upon every man I meet, but it never becomes. I work up to this point. I get a man right where I need him, no matter how hot, and then I flake out. At a point, I was a huge "slut". I slept around. Now, at an older age, I shy away. Men want to fuck me, and I plan on it happening. But, then, the more it comes to fruition, the more I shy away from it. I could have slept with every man in this town by now, but I haven't. Sex has become something so sacred, yet tainted for me. I love the thought, but the actual action scares the shit out of me. Tommy constantly thought I was cheating, but I wasn't really. Maybe once. But it was with someone I felt I could actually trust. And I still feel that way about that guy. In fact, he's one of my best friends. I know I used him more than he used me. And that's my problem. Every sexual encounter, I have to be in control of. In some way. Now, I'm known kind of as the "town whore" and it's just not true. As much as I secretly wish it were true.
Ryan was my one. There are a lot of guys I have been interested in. But, Ryan, he was the person who I felt was "The One". And what do you do then? After you've experienced the person who was your soul mate? Every person after that feels like you're just settling?. And how do you think it feels? Feeling like everyone else is just your silver medal? I'm sure even my best of friends think that I'm just obsessed. But, what do you really do? Do you just move on? Settle for the person who is the best of the silvers? Or do you continue to fight for your gold medal?
Maybe there is something raging inside of me.
Maybe I am obsessed. Some kind of psychologically fucked up person.
Maybe I need help.
There are four things that I've dreamed of in life. And I feel like I'll never obtain any of those things. One personal, one material, and the other two, I don't know how to classify. Secular? Maybe. But, I'm not one for religious terms. What to do?
I've felt this urge. This sinister urge. To literally kill. And just to obtain at least one of those things. Is that normal in a person? To want to take from another for your own personal gain? Or is that the sign of a person in need of something else in life?
I don't have the looks for fame. My one dream since a child. The voice, the feelings, the aura. I don't exude anything. I feel like the rotting shell of a human. Like, I'm just chugging along for the end. I want so bad to be the voice of a generation, but how do I become that? How do I become a Kurt, an Otep, a GaGa, The Beatles, anything like that?
The money? Able to do whatever I want. To donate to those things I feel so strongly about. To be able to indulge in my every whim. Every whim a friend has. To support those who have supported me through life.
The love? Never-ending. Someone who feels for me just as strong as I for them. Friends who will continue to worry about me, even after long absence. Elizabeth is the only person from McDowell I have seen in the past two years or so. I feel like even when I try to contact them, they just shoo me away. Like some pest who will only bring them down.
I know I have changed, everyone has. But, does that make me a cancer to them? So very avoidable? I feel like I've been exiled from the place where I grew up. Like I'm some parasite come to leech upon the humanity of my one-time friends. The people who probably helped me through the most difficult times in my life. I'll, all at once, become my parents. Settling. Abuse in so many forms, just to avoid feeling the loneliness of not having someone next to me.
Happiness in any form? But, what is true happiness? How do you know when you really reach it? Why do you question it so?
Anything I strive for is just met with complete apathy. An apathy I want to overcome so bad. One singular feeling that has ruled nearly twenty years of my life. The one thing that I have truly never been able to overcome. Other than my love for that one untouchable person.
When you have faith in nothing, what do you reach out for?