Mace Windu Explains the Force
I come across some odd things in my work folders sometimes, things I don't even recall writing. The following is one such example.
I distantly remember thinking to myself that it was pure luck that Obi-Wan Kenobi survived the suppression of the Jedi and not, say, Mace Windu. That started me thinking about what kind of film the original Star Wars (I'm sorry, but I still cannot bring myself to call the film anything but Star Wars. I saw it six times in the cinema under that name, and no amount of later jiggery-pokkery by Mr George "But I Didn't Want to Do It That Way, Really. Honest" Lucas will convince me that it is actually Episode 4, is called A New Hope, and that Greedo fired first)... I'll start again. That parenthetical comment ran on a bit longer than intended.
That started me thinking about what kind of film the original Star Wars might have been with Mace Windu lurking out in the deserts of Tatooine, awaiting the day when events brought young Luke Skywalker to him. It is, I suppose, a partner to the Star Wars spoof I posted a while ago. It is also, I regret to say, a bit sweary. I shall therefore hide it away behind an inviolate "Adults Only" shield, both to avoid corrupting any minors, and also because I've never played with the "Adults Only" gizmo before, and I do love to tinker.
MACE WINDU EXPLAINS THE FORCE
THREEPIO: Sir, if you'll not be needing me, I'll close down for awhile.
LUKE: Sure, go ahead.
MACE watches as THREEPIO’s eyes go out, indicating he is in low-power mode.
MACE: Well, thank fuck for that. Where did you get that whiney ass piece of shit, son?
LUKE: The… we bought him from the Jawas.
MACE: Jawas. Shit. So it’s not just whiney, it’s hot? You got to be some sort of special dumb to bring that thing around my crib. Fuck. Look, just take the piece, will you?
MACE hands Luke the saber.
LUKE: What is it?
MACE: Your pop’s lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Think a blaster’s gangsta? THIS is gangsta.
Luke pushes a button on the handle. A long beam shoots out about four feet and flickers there. The light plays across the ceiling.
MACE: An elegant weapon for a more civilized time. When you absolutely, positively haveta kill every motherfucka in the cantina. For over a thousand generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice and shit in the Old Republic. Before the dark times, before the motherfuckin’ Empire.
Luke hasn't really been listening.
LUKE: How did my father die?
MACE: A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. Now the Jedi are all but extinct. Vader was seduced by the dark side of the Force.
LUKE: He killed my father…
MACE: Fuck, no, man. He IS your father.
LUKE: WHAT?
MACE: Want me to tell you about the Force?
LUKE: My father..?
MACE: Sure you do. Well, the Force is what makes a Jedi a badass motherfucker. It's an energy field created by all living things, or somethin’. Kinda snoozed through that part of Jedi 101. Anyways, it surrounds us and penetrates us and lets us do awesome Jedi fu. It binds the galaxy together, too, but that ain’t so interesting.
Artoo makes beeping sounds.
MACE: Okay, so let’s try and figger out what this POS droid is, and maybe where it came from.
LUKE: My father’s alive, and is evil, and is the Emperor’s right hand hatchet man? Is that what you’re telling me?
MACE: Old news. Wait, wait, wait… time for my shows.
LUKE: My dad is Darth fucking Vader?
LUKEis cut short as the recorded image of the beautiful young Rebel princess is projected from Artoo's head.
BEN: Whoa, you got porn on this thing?
Luke stops as the lovely girl's image flickers before his eyes.
LEIA: General Windu, years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars.
MACE: Is THAT what he told you? ‘Cos that is bull… shit.
LEIA: Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed.
MACE: That’ll be your dad. The fuck.
LEIA: I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it.
MACE: Would that be your biological dad, or your adopted dad, princess? Meh, probably both.
LEIA: You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Mace Windu, you're my only hope.
There is a little static and the transmission is cut short. Old MACE leans back and scratches his head. He silently puffs on a tarnished chrome water pipe. LUKE looks traumatised
MACE: She do like to impose, don’t she? Okay, here’s the thing, Luke. You gotta learn the ways of the Force if you're coming with me to Alderaan.
LUKE: Alderaan? I'm not going to Alderaan.
MACE: Sure you are. And you know the great thing about Alderaan? It ain’t this shit hole, that’s what.
LUKE: I've got to go home. I need to talk to my aunt and uncle about my father.
MACE: Fuck that, homeboy. I need your help. Your sister there needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing.
LUKE: I can't get involved! I've got… MY SISTER?
MACE: Yeah, so when we rescue her, no tongues, okay? ‘Cos that would be fuckin’ weird.
LUKE: I need to talk to my uncle and aunt REALLY urgently.
MACE: Hello? Hel-loooo? Tatooine to Luke? (Raps LUKE on the forehead) This… is… not… complicated. Darth Vader’s your long lost pa, Princess Cinnamon Swirls there is your long lost sister, you’ve been lied to your whole life, and your aunt and uncle are probably dead already because they were dumb enough not to hide you under a fake name. So, yeah, it’s a big fuckin' furball. Now cough it up and let’s move on to when I get to fuck up Vader’s shit for being an asshole. Alderaan, okay? Focus.
LUKE: Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead. You can get a transport there to Mos Eisley or wherever you're going.
MACE: Don’t make me hurt you, son. I got a purple lightsaber, and I ain’t so old I can’t take you outside and cut off your legs with it like I did with your old man.
LUKE: You did WHAT?
MACE: He was evil, or maybe you missed that factoid? Dropped him in a lava flow, too. Thought I’d fucked him up but good. Resilient lil cocksucker, it turns out. (Sighs happily) Good times. Oh, is your lip wobbling? Am I upsetting you? Suck it up, man; how do you think I got his lightsaber?
LUKE: You’re an asshole.
MACE: Maybe, but I am a fucking righteous Jedi asshole. Now let’s get to Mos Eisley. Show you a good time there. Warp a few minds, cut up a few motherfuckers. Then hire a ship, then Alderaan, then rescue your sis. Remember: no tongues.
I distantly remember thinking to myself that it was pure luck that Obi-Wan Kenobi survived the suppression of the Jedi and not, say, Mace Windu. That started me thinking about what kind of film the original Star Wars (I'm sorry, but I still cannot bring myself to call the film anything but Star Wars. I saw it six times in the cinema under that name, and no amount of later jiggery-pokkery by Mr George "But I Didn't Want to Do It That Way, Really. Honest" Lucas will convince me that it is actually Episode 4, is called A New Hope, and that Greedo fired first)... I'll start again. That parenthetical comment ran on a bit longer than intended.
That started me thinking about what kind of film the original Star Wars might have been with Mace Windu lurking out in the deserts of Tatooine, awaiting the day when events brought young Luke Skywalker to him. It is, I suppose, a partner to the Star Wars spoof I posted a while ago. It is also, I regret to say, a bit sweary. I shall therefore hide it away behind an inviolate "Adults Only" shield, both to avoid corrupting any minors, and also because I've never played with the "Adults Only" gizmo before, and I do love to tinker.
MACE WINDU EXPLAINS THE FORCE
THREEPIO: Sir, if you'll not be needing me, I'll close down for awhile.
LUKE: Sure, go ahead.
MACE watches as THREEPIO’s eyes go out, indicating he is in low-power mode.
MACE: Well, thank fuck for that. Where did you get that whiney ass piece of shit, son?
LUKE: The… we bought him from the Jawas.
MACE: Jawas. Shit. So it’s not just whiney, it’s hot? You got to be some sort of special dumb to bring that thing around my crib. Fuck. Look, just take the piece, will you?
MACE hands Luke the saber.
LUKE: What is it?
MACE: Your pop’s lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Think a blaster’s gangsta? THIS is gangsta.
Luke pushes a button on the handle. A long beam shoots out about four feet and flickers there. The light plays across the ceiling.
MACE: An elegant weapon for a more civilized time. When you absolutely, positively haveta kill every motherfucka in the cantina. For over a thousand generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice and shit in the Old Republic. Before the dark times, before the motherfuckin’ Empire.
Luke hasn't really been listening.
LUKE: How did my father die?
MACE: A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. Now the Jedi are all but extinct. Vader was seduced by the dark side of the Force.
LUKE: He killed my father…
MACE: Fuck, no, man. He IS your father.
LUKE: WHAT?
MACE: Want me to tell you about the Force?
LUKE: My father..?
MACE: Sure you do. Well, the Force is what makes a Jedi a badass motherfucker. It's an energy field created by all living things, or somethin’. Kinda snoozed through that part of Jedi 101. Anyways, it surrounds us and penetrates us and lets us do awesome Jedi fu. It binds the galaxy together, too, but that ain’t so interesting.
Artoo makes beeping sounds.
MACE: Okay, so let’s try and figger out what this POS droid is, and maybe where it came from.
LUKE: My father’s alive, and is evil, and is the Emperor’s right hand hatchet man? Is that what you’re telling me?
MACE: Old news. Wait, wait, wait… time for my shows.
LUKE: My dad is Darth fucking Vader?
LUKEis cut short as the recorded image of the beautiful young Rebel princess is projected from Artoo's head.
BEN: Whoa, you got porn on this thing?
Luke stops as the lovely girl's image flickers before his eyes.
LEIA: General Windu, years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars.
MACE: Is THAT what he told you? ‘Cos that is bull… shit.
LEIA: Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed.
MACE: That’ll be your dad. The fuck.
LEIA: I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it.
MACE: Would that be your biological dad, or your adopted dad, princess? Meh, probably both.
LEIA: You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Mace Windu, you're my only hope.
There is a little static and the transmission is cut short. Old MACE leans back and scratches his head. He silently puffs on a tarnished chrome water pipe. LUKE looks traumatised
MACE: She do like to impose, don’t she? Okay, here’s the thing, Luke. You gotta learn the ways of the Force if you're coming with me to Alderaan.
LUKE: Alderaan? I'm not going to Alderaan.
MACE: Sure you are. And you know the great thing about Alderaan? It ain’t this shit hole, that’s what.
LUKE: I've got to go home. I need to talk to my aunt and uncle about my father.
MACE: Fuck that, homeboy. I need your help. Your sister there needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing.
LUKE: I can't get involved! I've got… MY SISTER?
MACE: Yeah, so when we rescue her, no tongues, okay? ‘Cos that would be fuckin’ weird.
LUKE: I need to talk to my uncle and aunt REALLY urgently.
MACE: Hello? Hel-loooo? Tatooine to Luke? (Raps LUKE on the forehead) This… is… not… complicated. Darth Vader’s your long lost pa, Princess Cinnamon Swirls there is your long lost sister, you’ve been lied to your whole life, and your aunt and uncle are probably dead already because they were dumb enough not to hide you under a fake name. So, yeah, it’s a big fuckin' furball. Now cough it up and let’s move on to when I get to fuck up Vader’s shit for being an asshole. Alderaan, okay? Focus.
LUKE: Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead. You can get a transport there to Mos Eisley or wherever you're going.
MACE: Don’t make me hurt you, son. I got a purple lightsaber, and I ain’t so old I can’t take you outside and cut off your legs with it like I did with your old man.
LUKE: You did WHAT?
MACE: He was evil, or maybe you missed that factoid? Dropped him in a lava flow, too. Thought I’d fucked him up but good. Resilient lil cocksucker, it turns out. (Sighs happily) Good times. Oh, is your lip wobbling? Am I upsetting you? Suck it up, man; how do you think I got his lightsaber?
LUKE: You’re an asshole.
MACE: Maybe, but I am a fucking righteous Jedi asshole. Now let’s get to Mos Eisley. Show you a good time there. Warp a few minds, cut up a few motherfuckers. Then hire a ship, then Alderaan, then rescue your sis. Remember: no tongues.