Lesson Learnt 21
Note from Jonah86: I would like to thank you all for continuing to read my fic. I appreciate I am a new writer and so may not have a handle on how it is supposed to work but hopefully I am finding my feet. I would like to dedicate this chapter to three people: 1) Carol who is always so supportive 2) Hope, my little ray of sunshine 3) Olivia - I hope this can tide you over until Tuesday. :)
That night at the Muller household Emma was staring blankly at the television while Kate set the table for dinner. They had ordered a takeaway because after the party and all of the conversations which had included ‘How important last names are’, ‘Gifted children and how Jemma would definitely be one of them’ and ‘Which sports teams Jemma should follow’, they were both wiped out. Emma had been referee in more than one of these topics and after deciding that the last name was down to both Jenny and Emma, that Jemma was a bright baby and that Jemma would support both FC Koln and Chelsea she was mentally drained.
“Dinner’s ready babe” Kate called from the kitchen. There was no movement and so Kate went on the search for her partner. “Babe?” she said quite loudly. Emma was still staring at the news but Kate felt as though Emma wasn’t really tuned into the story. She sat down next to her and stroked her face. Emma flinched back as if being woken up from a bad dream. “Oh sorry, sorry Kate I must have spaced out for a bit” Emma managed a weak smile and started to get up from the sofa but Kate pulled her back down by her hand.
“Look I wanted to talk to you about today. It got me thinking. About us and where we are going and what we both want and need.” Kate was clearly nervous and Emma did her best to reassure her. “Hey what's wrong?” Emma shifted so she was facing her. “Well I loved today. Your family and all of us celebrating the arrival of little Jemma and I made me want that...for us. I want us to have a baby.”
Emma had heard the words but she was still taking the time to translate them in her mind. ‘A baby? Another baby? With Kate? What?’.
Emma stood up and headed for the coat rack. She put her jacket on and left the house. Kate opened the door again and shouted after her “Emma, we have to talk about this”. Emma shouted back “Later. We will talk later”. Emma got in her car and just drove. She wasn’t sure where she was headed but she just knew she couldn’t breathe where she was and she just had to get away.
_________________________________________________________________________
Emma had driven for an hour and been all over the city but like an unstoppable force she had ended back outside Jenny’s flat. She looked at the flat and saw a light go out in one of the bedrooms and then she face planted the steering wheel. She nearly knocked herself out again when the tap, tap, tap at the car window came and her head jerked back into the headrest.
“Shit” Emma grabbed the back of her head and then looked to see who the tapping had been from. “Emma open the window” It was Luzi. “What are you doing Muller you mentalist? Were you planning to sleep face first on the steering wheel or...” She gave Emma a rye smile. “Ow. No I was...oh Luzi I don’t know what I was doing. I haven’t known for a while”. Luzi walked around the front of the car, got in and said “Right. Drive to a bar. Any bar. Now.”
____________________________________________________________________________
They both ordered a drink and sat down in a booth. There wasn’t too many people in but there was some good music on and for the first time all day Emma felt she could take a breath and relax. She took a sip of her whiskey and lent back in her seat. She looked at Luzi who was staring in a concerned way at her friend.
“Emma what has happened? I am worried. This isn’t like you”
“Luzi where do I even begin to answer that question?”
“OK then tell me what has happened from the end of the baby shower to now which meant you had to slam your head into your car.”
Emma took another huge drink out of her glass. She raised both of her hands and rubbed her face trying to make sense of what had happened in her mind so she could feed this information back to Luzi,
“Kate wants a baby”
The words hung in the air almost echoing around the two of them. Luzi downed her rum and coke and got up from her seat. A panic stricken Emma called out “Are you leaving?”. Luzi laughed and said “No way. But I do think I need to order another two drinks...each, if we are going to sort out your life”.
______________________________________________________________________________
Half an hour later and now three double whiskeys down Emma was pouring her heart out to an equally tipsy Luzi.
“I can’t have another baby Luzi. I don’t want another one. I want Jemma and I want... well one is enough”.
“Do you miss Jenny?” Luzi was tearing a beer mat in frustration of the situation and her idiotic best friends.
“Everyday. But I know it is over and I think tonight I have just realised I’m not fully over her.”
______________________________________________________________________________
Kate had eaten alone and was now washing up alone. Unable to bare the silence around the house anymore she switched on the radio and began sorting some laundry. ‘OK so it was too soon to raise the baby idea. It was a stupid thing to do.’ Kate thought as she got into a rhythm of folding clothes. She tuned out of her thoughts and into what was being played on the radio. It was Paloma Faith. The singers haunted tones echoed around the empty kitchen.
“Do you think of her
When you're with me
Repeat the memories you made together
Who's face do you see?
Do you wish I was a bit more like her?”
Kate’s hands stopped. She sank down into one of the kitchen chairs and placed her head in her hands.
“I found a photograph behind the TV
You look so happy are you missing the way it used to be?
And I have changed this room around more often lately
It's clear that we
And these four walls
Still known as hers and yours.
Perfect part
She's flawless
She's the other woman
Shining in her splendor
You were lost”
‘It’s not that she doesn’t want another child’ thought Kate, “It’s that she doesn’t want one with me” she said this last bit aloud and stood up.
“Are we liars in denial?
Are we smoke without the fire?
Tell me please is this worth it?”
The song played on but she had stopped listening. She folded the last few items of clothing and made her way out of the kitchen and headed for the bedroom.
______________________________________________________________________________
“You need to tell Jenny how you feel Emma” Luzi implored with her friend. It was almost a selfish request now from the singer. This had dragged on for months and she knew how much they both loved each other if they would only talk about it. It was driving both Luzi and TImo crazy and had become a popular choice of conversation between the two of them.
“Luzi. Just forget it. It’s over. Look I should be getting home. I have some explaining to do to Kate, all this isn’t her fault and I feel like I’ve acted terribly tonight.” Emma picked up her phone and ordered a taxi to drop them both off. She would come back for the car tomorrow.
__________________________________________________________________________
Emma put her key in the lock and opened the front door. It was so quiet and dark, she looked at her watch and she couldn’t believe it was already 1am. She knew Kate would be upset and debated whether to stay downstairs on the sofa but decided it wasn’t fair to leave her on her own if she needed some comfort.
She made her way up the stairs and she felt so guilty. ‘I just ran off. I literally ran off and left her on her own’ Emma kept thinking and the feeling in the pit of her stomach was getting stronger with each step. She could see the light under the door as she approached. Emma opened the bedroom door and looked at the bed but Kate wasn’t there. Instead a note on Emma’s pillow:
‘Emma,
I now realise that I have been fooling myself for almost a year. It isn’t your fault and I know you have tried to be with me. However I now know that you cannot hold my heart while you still hold another’s in your hands.
I have left some money on the sideboard to cover my half of the rent for the next two months.
England calls me Romeo.
Yours,
Juliet/Kate’
Emma sat down on the bed and cried until sleep took over her body.
That night at the Muller household Emma was staring blankly at the television while Kate set the table for dinner. They had ordered a takeaway because after the party and all of the conversations which had included ‘How important last names are’, ‘Gifted children and how Jemma would definitely be one of them’ and ‘Which sports teams Jemma should follow’, they were both wiped out. Emma had been referee in more than one of these topics and after deciding that the last name was down to both Jenny and Emma, that Jemma was a bright baby and that Jemma would support both FC Koln and Chelsea she was mentally drained.
“Dinner’s ready babe” Kate called from the kitchen. There was no movement and so Kate went on the search for her partner. “Babe?” she said quite loudly. Emma was still staring at the news but Kate felt as though Emma wasn’t really tuned into the story. She sat down next to her and stroked her face. Emma flinched back as if being woken up from a bad dream. “Oh sorry, sorry Kate I must have spaced out for a bit” Emma managed a weak smile and started to get up from the sofa but Kate pulled her back down by her hand.
“Look I wanted to talk to you about today. It got me thinking. About us and where we are going and what we both want and need.” Kate was clearly nervous and Emma did her best to reassure her. “Hey what's wrong?” Emma shifted so she was facing her. “Well I loved today. Your family and all of us celebrating the arrival of little Jemma and I made me want that...for us. I want us to have a baby.”
Emma had heard the words but she was still taking the time to translate them in her mind. ‘A baby? Another baby? With Kate? What?’.
Emma stood up and headed for the coat rack. She put her jacket on and left the house. Kate opened the door again and shouted after her “Emma, we have to talk about this”. Emma shouted back “Later. We will talk later”. Emma got in her car and just drove. She wasn’t sure where she was headed but she just knew she couldn’t breathe where she was and she just had to get away.
_________________________________________________________________________
Emma had driven for an hour and been all over the city but like an unstoppable force she had ended back outside Jenny’s flat. She looked at the flat and saw a light go out in one of the bedrooms and then she face planted the steering wheel. She nearly knocked herself out again when the tap, tap, tap at the car window came and her head jerked back into the headrest.
“Shit” Emma grabbed the back of her head and then looked to see who the tapping had been from. “Emma open the window” It was Luzi. “What are you doing Muller you mentalist? Were you planning to sleep face first on the steering wheel or...” She gave Emma a rye smile. “Ow. No I was...oh Luzi I don’t know what I was doing. I haven’t known for a while”. Luzi walked around the front of the car, got in and said “Right. Drive to a bar. Any bar. Now.”
____________________________________________________________________________
They both ordered a drink and sat down in a booth. There wasn’t too many people in but there was some good music on and for the first time all day Emma felt she could take a breath and relax. She took a sip of her whiskey and lent back in her seat. She looked at Luzi who was staring in a concerned way at her friend.
“Emma what has happened? I am worried. This isn’t like you”
“Luzi where do I even begin to answer that question?”
“OK then tell me what has happened from the end of the baby shower to now which meant you had to slam your head into your car.”
Emma took another huge drink out of her glass. She raised both of her hands and rubbed her face trying to make sense of what had happened in her mind so she could feed this information back to Luzi,
“Kate wants a baby”
The words hung in the air almost echoing around the two of them. Luzi downed her rum and coke and got up from her seat. A panic stricken Emma called out “Are you leaving?”. Luzi laughed and said “No way. But I do think I need to order another two drinks...each, if we are going to sort out your life”.
______________________________________________________________________________
Half an hour later and now three double whiskeys down Emma was pouring her heart out to an equally tipsy Luzi.
“I can’t have another baby Luzi. I don’t want another one. I want Jemma and I want... well one is enough”.
“Do you miss Jenny?” Luzi was tearing a beer mat in frustration of the situation and her idiotic best friends.
“Everyday. But I know it is over and I think tonight I have just realised I’m not fully over her.”
______________________________________________________________________________
Kate had eaten alone and was now washing up alone. Unable to bare the silence around the house anymore she switched on the radio and began sorting some laundry. ‘OK so it was too soon to raise the baby idea. It was a stupid thing to do.’ Kate thought as she got into a rhythm of folding clothes. She tuned out of her thoughts and into what was being played on the radio. It was Paloma Faith. The singers haunted tones echoed around the empty kitchen.
“Do you think of her
When you're with me
Repeat the memories you made together
Who's face do you see?
Do you wish I was a bit more like her?”
Kate’s hands stopped. She sank down into one of the kitchen chairs and placed her head in her hands.
“I found a photograph behind the TV
You look so happy are you missing the way it used to be?
And I have changed this room around more often lately
It's clear that we
And these four walls
Still known as hers and yours.
Perfect part
She's flawless
She's the other woman
Shining in her splendor
You were lost”
‘It’s not that she doesn’t want another child’ thought Kate, “It’s that she doesn’t want one with me” she said this last bit aloud and stood up.
“Are we liars in denial?
Are we smoke without the fire?
Tell me please is this worth it?”
The song played on but she had stopped listening. She folded the last few items of clothing and made her way out of the kitchen and headed for the bedroom.
______________________________________________________________________________
“You need to tell Jenny how you feel Emma” Luzi implored with her friend. It was almost a selfish request now from the singer. This had dragged on for months and she knew how much they both loved each other if they would only talk about it. It was driving both Luzi and TImo crazy and had become a popular choice of conversation between the two of them.
“Luzi. Just forget it. It’s over. Look I should be getting home. I have some explaining to do to Kate, all this isn’t her fault and I feel like I’ve acted terribly tonight.” Emma picked up her phone and ordered a taxi to drop them both off. She would come back for the car tomorrow.
__________________________________________________________________________
Emma put her key in the lock and opened the front door. It was so quiet and dark, she looked at her watch and she couldn’t believe it was already 1am. She knew Kate would be upset and debated whether to stay downstairs on the sofa but decided it wasn’t fair to leave her on her own if she needed some comfort.
She made her way up the stairs and she felt so guilty. ‘I just ran off. I literally ran off and left her on her own’ Emma kept thinking and the feeling in the pit of her stomach was getting stronger with each step. She could see the light under the door as she approached. Emma opened the bedroom door and looked at the bed but Kate wasn’t there. Instead a note on Emma’s pillow:
‘Emma,
I now realise that I have been fooling myself for almost a year. It isn’t your fault and I know you have tried to be with me. However I now know that you cannot hold my heart while you still hold another’s in your hands.
I have left some money on the sideboard to cover my half of the rent for the next two months.
England calls me Romeo.
Yours,
Juliet/Kate’
Emma sat down on the bed and cried until sleep took over her body.