Not a good time...
I've been starting this entry over and over again, and I still don't know what to say or how to say it. There's... just so much.
A couple of days ago I went out to look for some risky fun. Something without a safety net.
I met someone who's a friend. Or was. I just don't know anymore.
What do you call someone who beats you until you bleed, cuts you, threatens to kill or castrate you and is short from raping you, only stopping when he finally realises through his rage who you are and what he promised you months ago?
I'm alright. Physically. I can't tell you how it happened but I'm healed, physically, already - well, mostly, except for some bruises that are painless.
There's just so much else.
That friend - I want to help him, I want to reach out to him and get him out of this. Even though I know I can't.
But even more... I hurt my lovers with this. It wasn't a chance meeting, not totally. It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gone out looking for danger, taking risks. It's been months since I've done that last. I've been good ever since I got both Dean and Yevgeny. I could get the urge for adrenaline, the urge for feeling that fear under control.
I fear that I might fall back into my old pattern.
I don't want to. I hope that Dean and Yevgeny are strong enough to anchor me once more.
A couple of days ago I went out to look for some risky fun. Something without a safety net.
I met someone who's a friend. Or was. I just don't know anymore.
What do you call someone who beats you until you bleed, cuts you, threatens to kill or castrate you and is short from raping you, only stopping when he finally realises through his rage who you are and what he promised you months ago?
I'm alright. Physically. I can't tell you how it happened but I'm healed, physically, already - well, mostly, except for some bruises that are painless.
There's just so much else.
That friend - I want to help him, I want to reach out to him and get him out of this. Even though I know I can't.
But even more... I hurt my lovers with this. It wasn't a chance meeting, not totally. It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gone out looking for danger, taking risks. It's been months since I've done that last. I've been good ever since I got both Dean and Yevgeny. I could get the urge for adrenaline, the urge for feeling that fear under control.
I fear that I might fall back into my old pattern.
I don't want to. I hope that Dean and Yevgeny are strong enough to anchor me once more.